Help with 13-Year Old Son

T.,

First of all: YOU HAVE NOT FAILED AS A PARENT!!! You and your husband are trying to deal with a series of serious problems as best as you can. However, your son's world is no longer the world he knew. He's moved. He's changed schools. He has a new step-father AND a new baby brother. He's had to share you with this new family. He's absolutely lost! I would strongly urge you to consider counseling for him. He needs a place where he feels safe to vent and rage about all the changes that's happened to him without his control. The changes that happened to him are in no way "wrong". They are, however, out of his control and he's just spinning and needs to find some solid ground. He needs to find help in coming to terms with so many changes in such a short time. He apparently doesn't want to hurt you so he just doesn't say anything. Hence, the "no" when you ask him things. He sounds like a really great kid who just needs a little professional help to guide him back to where he needs to be.

Good luck and best wishes for your new family,
R.

Hi, T.

I think changing schools really did it. My mom switched our schools all the time, and uprooted us from Tx to Ca was not easy, then back to Tx. It's hard being that age and having to start all over again. No friends to hang out with like his old school. I know as a kid I got into a lot of trouble when my mom did this to us. And I didn't speak to her either or tell her what was going on with me. I look back now and know it was wrong she should of been more consistant with me. Now with my 13 yr old daughter I would hate for her to act the way I did. I think you shouldn't let him get away with the things he's doing...stay consistant with your discipline. Once he finds out he can get away with it..it will get worse for you and your family. Stay on top of him and still expect the greatness you use to know of your son. Keep trying to talk to him, don't give up. Set some goals for him, find out what he really wants and say...if you stay outta trouble for 3 weeks we can do it or I will get this for you. I think you also should start paying him for helping around the house. It has to be something he looks forward too. If he doesn't do anything and still wants to be ugly and lazy...i would take the TV away and everything he looks forward too everyday. Why should you have to give in to him if he is being disrespectful to his teachers and you. Tell him everyday you love him, but also don't let him run you over either.

T.,
You are a good mother, don't doubt yourself. I know this has to be really hard on you. I also think it would be good for him to see a counselor if you possibly can get him to go. His world has been completely changed and he probably feels it wasn't fair to him. I'm sure he loves you dearly, I don't know how long you dated your new husband, how long you have just been on your own with him, but I'm sure there is some level of closeness that you and him no longer share. You have another son, and a new husband, maybe he's feeling left out, even though you are trying to include him and make it a "whole" family. I understand where you are at. I'm sure some of it has to do with the age, but he's mad and probably scared right now, and our natural defense is to push people away when we need them the most. Pray with him and talk with him. I'm praying for you!
God Bless!

remember there is a reason for him acting this way. he needs somebody neutral to talk to. he coudl be acting out b/c he is bored with school and needs deeper challenges or b/c of home issues...just trying to find his place in what feels like a new family. i would not chalk it up to teen. you are reaching out and he is pulling further away. don't stop trying. just find him a comfort zone where he can vent and release. someone of confidence. hang in there.

I would consider trying the school counselor or a counselor of your choice to try to get him to talk. 13-year-old boys aren't usually interested in opening up to family or family friends...I think for fear of what they say getting back to mom/dad...so I'd try someone a little bit more neutral...sounds like he obviously has some frustrations building up (although just plain hormones are probably a part of it too) & he needs to have an outlet now before it becomes even more serious. And don't forget to pray...for your son & for guidance for you as a parent! I hope all goes well!

Bless your heart. Hang on to that teen for all your might. He needs you right now more than ever.
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Try asking another question-we all already know the answer to "What's Wrong?" to get another response.
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Can you get him a job? Something that he can do that he feels good about himself? An old auto where he can work with his hands and get his mind off things and learn a skill? A really good youth group (church) in the area where he can meet some nice kids that welcome him into the circle?
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I hate to ask this, you don't have to answer, but are there issues between your son and his new step father? Were you single long? Was he-the man of the house for awhile? Are there drugs involved?
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He is definitely telling you something is wrong in his behavior. It is really tough to be new at school, to break into the established groups and at this age-school is so much about the social aspect.
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Can you check with the YMCA in your area for sports or music lessons? Get him involved. Baby is so little yet you can tote him around and baby won't mind.
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And no - they don't want to Hang with their parents - it's all about them at this age until they are adults. Does he have a MySpace to keep in touch with his friends back home? That might help keep his feet on the ground - but be careful to know the password to check his Space w/o him knowing -keep him safe.
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Does he have grandparents that he could go and visit? That unconditional love of grandparents goes a long long way.
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Where is his dad? Does he have a relationship with him and can he go visit more often during this time and please don't get your heart sick but can he live with him for awhile? Boys need that male figure this time of heir lives and no matter how hard a step dad tries-it just isn't the same.
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I would recommend a counselor but would not count on them "Fixing" him unless the boy is willing to change. Right now he is probably mad at you thinking it is you that needs fixing. :)
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Date night - plan one night a week without new hubby and baby where you go and do something together - just the two of you. Something neutral like movies - no errands, no grocery runs, no shopping just for him or doing something just for him. Something where you can go and have a Starbucks or to the local book store -no video games and distractions and NO PRODDING for info.
This all minimal cost and does wonders for the soul. Plan on at least 3 hours - takes awhile for him to feel relaxed again and open up.
And don't put this time off - don't promise it will happen next week instead - no this is important and life saving. He needs you and he needs to learn to count on you again - please prioritize this.
This worked wonders for my teen.
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Please please tell him every day that no matter what he does, where he goes, you will love with with all your heart. No matter what and really mean it. He needs to know.

I will pray for your son and your family. Hang in there and keep the faith that he will grow to be a good man. You have done all the hard work already - making him who he is. This too shall pass. Love, C.

It sounds like your family has gone through a lot of changes. I would try to connect with him over something he enjoyed prior to all these changes. Is there a friend you can plan to come visit for the weekend? Can you spend some one on one time doing an activity you both enjoy, like going to the movies? Maybe just through some fun activity he will confide in you what is going on with him. Sometimes teenager are very stubborn and just wanted to be included. Then of course sometimes they just want to be left alone. What a balance! Maybe he is having a problem with someone at school and just does not want to say anything to not cause problems. I think seeing a counselor is a good idea. It may take a few sessions to open up. You may want to schedule a visit with the counselor on getting advice on how to approach it with your son. The counselor may also have some advice to help you with him and to work things out with school. I feel for you. Raising kids is tough, but when they stop talking to us it is even tougher. I hope you can get things back on track.

I assume you have told him that you realize that moving to a new school is very hard, trying to make new friends etc. and that you feel for with him, but given a chance he may meet some really neat new people. And also that having a new step dad has got to be hard to adjust to, and a new baby too. Wow tell him that is a lot on his plate, but that you are hoping that this will make a big happy family and you want him to enjoy and join in, that it is no fun for him not to be part of you , and the new baby espically would love to have some one to grow up with. I think all three things for him to adjust to is going to be hard and will take time, but in the mean time tell him if he can't talk about what he is upset about, and you feel with him getting in trouble at school, he is upset, that maybe he could write in a journal about it. and no one needs to read it unless he wants them to, he could even lock it up. Do you have a pastor or friend he could feel comfortable talking to. Think of something he enjoyed in the past before you re-married and go do that with him, and maybe try and find time at least once a week, where you and him go have a coke, or do something one on one. I know he isn't being pushed out, but he may feel like it.

After everything he has been through, I'm not surprised he has some problems and he has no male figure to turn to, since his dad is not around. I know you said he has a supportive stepdad, but he probably hasn't had time to form a trusting relationship yet. Just keep loving him, supporting him, including him, and maybe let him get involved in something he is interested in like music, sports, art, etc. Maybe he and your husband could do something together every week like go to a movie, play a sport, volunteer somewhere to help others(Big Brothers). This may deepen their relationship. As much as a boy needs his mom when he is little, he needs a dad, too, when he gets older. Some things a boy just needs a man to talk to and do things with. If he has been raised with love and kindness and respect, I believe he will be ok. He just needs some special attention and patience to get through a tough time in his life. Good luck to you all!!