Help Calming My Child Down

A three year old can certainly be challenging, as I am learning from my own little girl. ANd it must be such a challenge doing it all yourself! However, you mentioned several areas and not all of them require discipline. I think when it comes to tantrums and hitting, she's trying to tell you something, so really she shouldn't be punished. she should be taught a more appropriate way to get her needs met. Telling her "dont hit or you'll have a time out" doesn't teach her anything. Redirecting her gently is what you should do, even though most people will tell you to punish her, they are wrong. There is a great book by Kathryn Kvols called Redirecting Children's Behavior and it's a great resourse. As for sleeping, I'm not sure what is going on there so I cant give great advice, but she may be ready to give up naps. My oldest gave them up around 2, and while it was hard at first because she needed them on some days, I just made a point to provide a quiet place for her to lie down if she was acting really tired. If I made it an option she was more likely to say she was tired and go nap for a while. Now she only naps once or twice a month if she hasn't slept well the night before. If your little girl is reluctant to sleep in her bed it's probably because she's feeling scared or insecure and you want to create a positive association with her bedroom. So, if she needs you to be with her, you can stay in her room until she falls asleep and after a few days leave just before she falls asleep and then gradually leave sooner. If she cries out for you go back in and sit with her, but don't talk to her. Just be a comforting presence. Over a week or two she'll get used to falling asleep on her own. Leaving her to cry will only make her more resistant and fearful of sleeping alone. As for eating, you really shouldn't force a child to eat. It will give them an unhealthy relationship with food and babies and children have an internal mechanism that tells them to stop eating when they are full. You don't want to disturb that! And no 3 year old ever starved themselves, so just offer her healthy foods and if she doesn't eat then so be it. Watch her juice intake. That's an appetite killer and it shouldn't be something she drinks all day long, just a few ounces once a day is plenty. Sometimes they will eat alot in one day and sometimes nothing much, and that's ok. Look at the big picture. And even if she only likes pizza and mac and cheese, you can buy (or make) pureed carrots and sweet potatoes (baby food) and sneak it into her foods. I sneak all kinds of veggies into my kids' food. I hope some of this helps. Good luck!

I've noticed things with my daughters, and from when I babysat before I got married.

With the tantrums, depending on the circumstances (like if you're at home) - once she starts them, just walk away because it's all for show. Once she realizes that you aren't paying attention, she'll usually quit.

WIth not getting what she wants, a lot of it is they don't think you realize what they want or how much they want it. I remember telling our oldest on several occasions, "I'm sorry you're so upset. I know you want that right now, but that isn't a good idea because ________" (Fill in the blank; "we need to go to the store" or whatever).

With the hitting/yelling and other "discipline" areas, time outs (when done correctly) can work wonders. Designate a "time out" spot, and when she misbehaves, put her in the spot and tell her, "You're in time out because..." (you hit me)..." and that isn't acceptable. You'll be in time out for 3 minutes." (1 minute per year of age) She will try to get up and go do what she wants, so you'll need to put her back until she stays there. THe clock "reset's" every time she gets up. Once she realizes you mean business (and that can take a while - possibly up to 2 hours or so depending on how stubborn she is), she'll stay there. Once she's been there for 3 minutes, tell her, "You were in time out because you hit Mommy. I want you to tell me you're sorry." And when she does, tell her, "Okay" and then she gets a hug/kiss. If you do this with EVERY infraction, she'll finally get the message of what things aren't acceptable.

With Sleeping: have a night time routine that starts at a set time every night - book and bedtime, or "favorite show" (maybe a show on PBS or Noggin - or if you have a TIVO, you can record appropriate shows) and bedtime - Hug and a kiss, and an "I love you" - and tuck her in. She will want to get out of bed. SO when you tuck her in, you sit near the bed, facing the door. Every time she gets out of bed, place her back into the bed, and resume your spot. The first/second time will be the hardest. Again, once she realizes that "mommy makes the rules" and you're serious, she'll do it.

Our bedtime routine with our oldest is a few of her favorite shows on Tivo - we start at about 7:00. Then, she goes potty, and we'll make sure her pajamas are on (if that wasn't worked into the schedule by then), and go into the kids room. We read 2 books. I tell her "sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite, and have sweet dreams." She wants to "tell me the whole story" and tells me she wants all the doors closed, all the lights off, all the tv's off, and snuggling with mommy." Then we do a good night kiss, and I'll lay on the bed with her for just a few minutes until she gets settled, and will get up, kiss her on the forehead and walk out. (At some point during all of this, I'll tell her that she did a good job that day - she helped mommy make dinner, or helped give baby sister her nuk - whatever it was, I remind her of all the things she did that were helpful and tell her how much mommy appreciates it.)
***It has helped that she has a humidifier that has a "nightlight" that shines up through the water tank - so it's not so dark in the room. She also has a flashlight on her nightstand.

With eating right - we've found this to be especially difficult, but we just keep trying different foods. We've about given up on the veggies, but we try to make sure they get in fruit and dairy in. Getting the kids to eat chicken or turkey is very easy. Of the things like veggies, we have them eat at least one bite before they can have the fruit or whatever.

When I babysat, it was "When Ms. B. is here, She makes the rules." or "Mommy makes the rules...and it's time for a nap." The girl I used to babysit for would say, "But I don't want to take a nap." I'd tell her, "I didn't ask if you wanted to take a nap, did I?" "no." "Who makes the rules?" She'd say, "You do." and I'd say, "Right. Time for a nap." Fortunately, that worked with her. It didn't worked on my oldest when she was taking naps. I'd just tell her, "I know you don't want to take a nap, but I think you do, and mommy's tired too - so we'll take a nap together."

Just a few cents worth there, for what it's worth...

I too am a single mom with help only when I work (and out at most once a month without him). Otherwise it's all me and my son, all the time. Its hard to be the bad guy and do the discipline, but I have found once I made rules, stuck to them and he caught on that he's better most the time and we get to have fun.
Decide what you want to start with, and work on a new thing each week. Expect tears (from her and you), but don't give in through the tears. Keep all consequences the same each time (ex. if she doesn't eat her veggies (or at least 3 bites) then she doesn't get a snack) and it's the same every single night.
I picked sleeping as an issue of point (this was our toughest one personally).
I stating one morning that bedtime is going to change starting that night. I told him how bedtime would go: You will put on your pj's, brush your teeth, then we will read 3 books, talk about our day (limit to however much time you choose, we choose 5 minutes), say our prayers and you will go to sleep. We read in bed so there's no moving after we get relaxed.
So the first night I did this and helped him through the whole process including dressing and undressing him, and then there were tears when it came to the sleeping part. I walked him back to his bed about 50 times that night and was only sitting outside his door.
Second morning reminded him of the new bedtime routine, discussed what we liked about it (left out the didn't like, we know what they don't like no need to dwell). Second night, same thing. This time I only walked him back to his room about 25 times, each time putting him in bed and not saying a word to him. Finally he went to sleep.
Third day, same thing. And by this night he only needed put back like 5-10 times. Again the fourth and fifth nights, which by then it was 3 times back to bed. By the 7th night he gave up, and just cried in bed.
It wasn't sooo long (two weeks) that we had our bedtime routine down, and bedtime was REALLY a joy for both of us. Up until that point I can say (and did say) that I HATED bedtime.
I would suggest choosing one or two things to change at a time and really stick to them. Once you have those two things down, stick to them and start on the next two things. You can do this! :) There were nights I layed in bed crying after he went to sleep wondering if I was doing the right thing...but if for some reason we got in a bad habit again, I know I would do this method all over again!
Best of luck, feel free to email me if you need someone to just listen to ya!

Remember one thing each child is unique. I am a mom of two daughters 3+ and 1+ y/o respectively. I have faced several problems regarding their discipline and tantrum, some we got over with and some we are still dealing with. During all these things, I found that there could be several reason for the same action. It could be possible that there could be two different reason of the same act done by two different kids respectively. First analyze your kid's behavior and try to find out the exact reason behind that kind of behavior Kylee is doing. Then it will get more easy for u to react with right solution.

Check out this website which has several articles related to kid's and parenting.

http://www.myparentingsource.com/learning/topics.aspx

You might find your answer under

Children's Anger and Tantrums

Discipline

You will find both topics and more after going to this website.

It's totally free and if you will sign up on it then you can find exact behavior chart acc. to your child. Just check My Parenting Compass after registering on this site, it will guide you itself. All you have to do is add Kylee's name and age and it will ask you couple of questions related to her behavior, habits and so on. Then it will show you some tips and ways to tackle her. It works well with me because I am using it right now for my girls. Good part is that it is designed exactly according to my girl's unique nature. Everything is so personal that I have no worries of somebody else reading my plans. Hope it will work with you to.
Good luck

These are things that work for me and my daughter. This might be a little long.

You have to be firm with her, you are the parent and you know what's best for her. Do not give in when you know you are doing what's right for her, no matter what she thinks. Make sure your voice and face both are saying the same thing and be consistent, routine works well with little ones.

If mine is throwing a fit/hitting/kicking/yelling, I get down on her level, I make sure nothing else is going on so I have her attention. Gently I talk her down, sort of like I did when she was a fussy baby. Lots so "shhhh" and a soft soothing voice. I tell her that I need to talk to her and that I can't until she calms down. Once she does I talk to her, I tell her what she did wrong and what she needs to do right. You may have to do this many times and have to keep reminding yours, I do. Just keep telling yourself, you are the boss not her and try to stay calm. If we're are out, I remove her from public, I take her to the bathroom and do the calm down routine and talk in there. Be consistent.

Bedtime/nap/big girl bed, I have a baby gate at my daughter's door (was originally to keep the cat from pawing at it while she was sleeping). We do our routine, I set her in bed and close the door. 10 to 15 mins is usually how long it takes for her to fall asleep. I'll listen, make suer she's alright, if she comes to the door I move the gate and set her back into bed again. I play it by ear, if she's just playing or talking to herself I don't worry too much along as it doesn't go on too long. There's nothing in her room that can hurt her, really there's not much in there anyway. If it does go on too long (longer then 10 or 15 mins) I either go in and set her back in bed or I let her out (I do this very very rarely, I don't want to have her thinking of it as a reward for not going to bed, it's usually saved for try 3). If I let her out I usually cuddle her on the couch for 10 to 15 mins, quiet time, maybe give her a few sips of milk then it's back to bed. She's usually asleep after the first "goodnight", if not then it only usually doesn't takes more then the second try. Some nights are good some nights aren't so good, but routine is key.

The eating thing we are working on now. I've taken to just making her one thing at meal times, if she refuses to eat what I have made then she doesn't eat until the next meal time. She's skipped meals because she's refused to eat what I've made. She can have drinks but no snacks or treats, if she's refused. If she eats what I make at meal time she can have snack and treats.

I hope this helps.

Hi N.,

What I tried with my little ones was a reward system. For every good behavior they received a star on thier chart or a bead in the jar. Tell her she has got to receive a certain amount of beads or she has to fill up her weekly star chart then at the end of the week she gets a surprise. Also time-outs really work but you have to be persistant. I know how easy it is to give in once they start crying but stick with it and it will pay off. Get her a small chair and sit it in the corner of a room where you can see her from where ever you are. She will get up several times but just continue to take her back not saying a word to her. Stay on it!!! The same goes for bedtime, put her to bed at the same time every night with hugs and kisses and maybe a story. Make it fun for her by letting her know she is a big girl and can sleep in her big girl bed. Put down turn out the light (use a night light)crack the door and leave. SHe will cry, scream and through a tantrum but don't give in or get frustrated she will sense it. Just take her saying that it is time for bed and you will see her in the morning. She will get up again, this time take her back without a word. Continue this until she no longer gets up. This process can take as long as an hour but don't give up.
As far as eating habits,she can only eat what you feed her, so only feed her what you cook. Make it fun for her by letting her help you with meal prep. Dessert is her treat for finishing her meal. Make sure her meals are in small portions not to overwhelm her.
I have been where you are and I had no help as well so I tried everything I could and when I found something that worked I stuck with it.

Good Luck To You,
S.

Allowing a child to have what they want and have their own way is NOT worth it! You HAVE to set boundaries and stick to them. FOLLOW THRU....no matter what with what you say. There needs to be respect, consistent discipline and guidelines for a child to follow. They need to know the consequences and stick to them, EVEN IF it's not convenient for you. It's NOT about you. Look at the long term ramifications.

DO NOT respond to tantrums. Tell her you'll address her and talk to her WHEN and only when she can calm down and talk nicely. WALK AWAY! Talk about what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior......OVER & OVER & OVER & OVER. Affirm when it's good and tell her what a great job she's done & how proud. Tell her how sad it makes you when she acts like that. Talk about what ALTERNATIVES might be....instead of hitting to get your attention....how about asking nicely. Teach "EXCUSE ME" ,etc. FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN DO DIFFERENTLY rather than the poor behavior. If you see good/bad behavior on TV, a cartoon, or in a store, talk about it, why it was appropriate/inappropriate. As her how she felt about it. How would she feel if people saw her acting that way........good or bad. She needs to get the bigger picture and she's certainly old enough to start doing that.
When you talk to her, talk in a soft tone of voice. It's hard for someone to hear & scream at the same time. In teaching pre-schoolers, I always talked directly to them at their level in a soft voice. Almost instantly they calm down. I tell them that this behavior is unnecessary and that I will be more than happy to talk to them when they get my attention appropriately (whatever you've discussed or worked out).

I am a mother of three and your daughter has learned what can be your worst nightmare. The ART of pushing your buttons to get what she wants. I am not sure what Stickerbook you are talking about. But you are on the right track of rewarding her for GOOD behaviors. When she is acting up whether it be yelling or having a tantrum; as long as she is not hurting herself or others IGNORE her for as long as you can. Kids learn that if the bug us, or throw a fit long enough mom will give in. It is a game to them and they are good at it. Reward her for good behaviors, and ignore her when she is having unwanted behaviors. Do me a favor. I know you are yound and I know a lot of parents that do this, and I used to but quit; Don't say, "Your bad", or "Your Stupid". Kids see that as they themselves are no good. Try to remember to say " Your Behavior is Bad". Just stick to your guns and once you start inforcing this reward system. It will most likely get worse before it gets better. But in the long run...it will be worth it. And something else to always remember. Say what you mean, and mean what you say!!!!! If you tell her that she can not have any snacks if she doesn't finish her lunch. Mean it. If you tell her that if she gets all her toys picked up you will take her to the park. You better make sure you move heaven and earth to get her to the park that same day. Kids are very observant. If you don't tell the truth; one she will do what she wants because mom isn't going to do what she says if she did what you wanted. And Second; she will figure that if mom doesn't tell me the truth and do what she says, then I don't have to tell her the truth. Good Luck and I give you lots of credit for raising your daughter at such a young age by yourself.

I am sure it is very hard raising your daughter alone, and at your age. I work at a daycare. Kylee needs a routine. Scheduled meals (at the table), scheduled naps (in her own bed)are the way to start. She needs to be disciplined when she yells or throws things, or she will continue this. It will take a long time to train her on these things if you have not had a steady routine. Time outs work if you are dedicated to helping her. If she gets out of time out, keep taking her back. She will eventually wear out and stay until you say she can get out. The same with bedtime. If she gets out and comes to your room, keep taking her back to her room. She needs to know that you are in charge - not her. If you let her have her way, she will walk all over you.

Video called "1-2-3 Magic". Guy who does it is a bit boring [maybe Tom Phelan?] but the advice for parents is very sensible and easy enough to follow. Look for it at you local library. I know it is in book form too, but the video is faster. I'm twice your age and still have times I cannot control my kids...but hopefully I have set good enough examples of how to behave.

first of all, i hope you are getting child support at least, if the father isn't in the picture. raising a kid is so hard, even with two parents...you have to be a pretty strong woman & mother to make it this far on your own.

as for discipline help...make sure you are getting down on her level when putting her in a time out (a minute for every year of age). tell her that she is being rude, disrespectful, naughty, whatever you choose, really.

sleeping in her own bed...we did this from day 2, so i don't really know how to switch from sleeping with a parent to sleeping in their own bed. what we do with our toddler now is lock the door from the outside until we go to bed, then unlock it. we also have a bedtime routine: bath (we don't wash her every night, just 10 minutes in the tub to swim around), then brushing teeth, then read 2 books, then sing 3 songs. don't read more books or sing another song, that gives her the idea that she's in control. up until about 4 months ago, our toddler would cry for 10 minutes before falling asleep & this is okay, i know many kids who have to cry a bit before going to sleep. & she has stopped that already. give her a lovey, like a stuffed animal or blanket to hold onto. if she cries in the middle of the night, we check on her & comfort her.

really, i highly suggest watching the supernanny! we find lots of good ideas from that show. i hope my meager advice helps!

-H.

Hi, N.! A three year old can be tough, but you need to let her know who's boss. Be consistent, and get her on a routine. That way she knows what to expect. Don't let her tell you what to do and when to do it... you are HER mother! I would sit her down and explain the new rules and let her know that if she doesn't follow the rules, she's going to have consequences, such as no TV, no treats, no fun time with grandma... whatever it is that she likes that you can use as leverage to take away from her. My kids hate when I tell them that they have to go to bed early. Every time they run their mouths, they go to bed 15 minutes earlier. Make a chart for her and give her stickers when she does good things, like eating her vegetables, cleaning up her toys, helping clear the table, putting her clothes in the laundry... then give her a reward at the end of the week, like a trip to the dollar store to pick something out or an ice cream cone. Praise her positive actions -- that will go a long way! She is probably looking for positive attention. It's really easy to jump all over them when they do something wrong, but be sure to praise her too. First and foremost, be consistent with whatever you choose to do! I wish you the best of luck!

Hi N.,
I just want to commend you for raising your daughter by yourself at the age of 20. It's not an easy thing for a couple to deal with discipline issues, so it's even harder when it's just you. Good for you for realizing that things are out of control and admitting that you need help and having the courage to ask for help! Kids will walk all over you if you let them. Now that you are ready to start working on discipline, first of all, know that it is NOT going to be easy. Following thru and being consistant is going to be the key to successfully working thru problems. You got alot of really good advise from the other moms. I say take some from each of them and start with baby steps. You don't want to overwhelm your daughter with everything at once. Look at it as you and your daughter learning together. You are learning to be the disciplinarian and she is learning to follow your rules. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
If you ever need to talk, you can always private message me or you can find me on aol my screen name is jaeann123. I have four kids who are grown and three grandkids. I was a young mom so I know the struggles. I was very firm with my firstborn, but when I had my son, he was hard and he walked all over me for a while. You have to make the decision to do this. It will make you a better mother and it will make your daughter a better person as she grows.
Good luck to you. Keep us posted on your progress and your daughter's progress. I wish you the best!
J.

Hi N....It is never to late to start discipline. Just tackle on thing at a time or you will overwhelm your child. Tackle one bad behavior and wait a small amount of time before you try to tackle the next. She has been used to getting her own way for so long now that this is going to really upset her little world. Good luck to you!