HELP, Advice Needed Please! (Step-mother to One 10 Yr Old Daughter)

Does her half brother have his own room? You might be sending her the message that she is not a full part of the family. When you are 10 you are unable to see all the thing people are doing for you, only the things they are not.

You have gotten a lot of good advice so I dont want to get too wordy, but I was a step mother to twins, now 12. We were able to provide to them there own space. We also bought them things. I tried to get something that they didnt have at mom, to keep there interest. It is very hard. We always tried to do what was best for them. We sacraficed a lot of weekends, so that they could "have a life". Dont push her. And at 10 she has a lot of stuff going on in her head. But she does need a place and things to call her own, she will need her privacy, probably sooner then later. Good Luck!

I have a step daughter too. I came into her life when she was two and now she's 18 so I've been through this already. I think she probably just wants her own room so she doesn't feel like a guest. Is there any way you can get a larger apartment? My husband always made sure his daughter had her own room and her own things in her room. He felt it was the only way she could truly relax like she did at her mom's house. It could also be that she just misses her mom and the whole thing will blow over once she gets settled into being back home. My SD always seemed to prefer being with her mom despite all of our attempts to make her feel welcome with us. The hardest thing for you and your husband will be not taking it personally. She's caught in the middle and it's no fun being shuffled around all the time. It seems fine when they're little but the older they get the more they protest. Just do what you're doing and love her through it. You have the teenage years ahead of you and that's never easy but keeping up with the communication will help. Give her some power over when she sees you even if that means she doesn't spend the night as much. It's hard but try to look at it from her point of view. Also, the one thing we would have done differently--looking back--is my husband would have spent more one on one time with his daughter because later we found out that is what she really needed. She loves me and our kids but she really needed her dad to herself from time to time and we did everything as a family. Hang in there. You'll get through this and as long as you love your SD it will all work itself out as long as you communicate with her.

I am also a step-mother of a 9 (almost 10) year old. Do you have a legal custody agreement? if not that's an important step to take! since we've had that my husband's ex understands she can't play games with custody. she needs our okay to do anything different than the papers say.
her weekend schedule does seem quite hectic... why can't she just stay with you friday through sunday? that alone would probably ease some of the stress she feels...
yes, i'd say make your step daughter come and when she does, kindly have a sit down conversation with her about how you can make your home more comfortable and work on it together. It's sooooo important that she is comfortable because as she gets older this will only get worse! Teenagers need their personal space.

I'd say its a very personal choice if you still want her spending nights or if you just want to do days. I know for my husband and me, we take her every second we can... we have her every other weekend during school, split or alternate holidays and do every other full week during the summer. But every situation is different. If you decide not to do overnights make sure you tell her carefully because you don't want her to feel she's not wanted. If you do want to still have her overnights this is my suggestion:
When my stepdaughter was young, when my husband and i were just dating, she did not have her own room, she shared with him. But once we were married (i met them when she was 2, we married when she was 6) we wouldn't settle for a 1 room apartment, we knew that the only option was a 2 bedroom for her. In my opinion it's a very important thing for her to have a bedroom, i know its its made her feel a permanent part of this family knowing that she's always got this room to come to and its not just a bed we pull out when she's here... imagine being a 10 year old (or even more when she gets older and is a teenager) having to spend every other weekend without a bedroom, somewhere that's supposed to be home. If its not possible to move to a larger apartment, is there anywhere you can section off to be a "bedroom" for her? with sheets or those folding screens? Somewhere she can call her own? I'd be willing to bet it would make her more comfortable. And who can blame her for that?
My step-daughter has her own clothes and toys - probably even too many, but we buy barely any of them because she gets a lot for her birthday from family and also randomly from grandparents. Do you have family you could ask to help out with that? If you aren't able to provide that, i think asking her or her mother to pack a bag from home is a great idea! when my step daughter was very young they did that and it worked just fine. i'm sure she'd be much more comfortable with having more toys and things she likes around.
Hope that helps a bit, I know the frustrations of step-parenting. It's a hard world, but it's so worth it!
Let us know how things turn out!!

Laura,

I don't have your issues( I not divorced, can't imagine your aggravation) so take this advice lightly. I am however evil, and that can sometimes be of help.First "forcing" a child to do anything is a mythical and unproductive concept. You "force",then the child recalculates and escalates resulting in a spiral of frustration.As much as they may indicate otherwise a child's primary concern is of loyalty and steadfastness. If the father and yourself are there for her always and are willing to make some sacrifice for creating time for her this will surely bear fruit. "Things" aren't a long term solution even if you could afford them,and are more likely an excuse for the truer reason for her discontent( if there is any).As far as the mother is concerned I believe she is using the primacy of religion in what has turned into a successfull power play. If the church was so important on Sunday why didn't she give you friday and saturday? If she's taking part or all of Sunday will she give you friday? Half of monday? Here's the evil part. Join her church(I don't know how flexible you are with regards to religion but this would be a powerful show of your loyalty to the girl if you could do this). Tell the mother that you will see her there and take the girl all of Sunday,along with the responsibility for her spiritual growth, per what I assume is a legal agreement.If the mother takes issue with this, seek advice from the minister,priest,pastor,whatever. If the mother is going to muddy the water, show her what muddy water looks like.Never miss an opportunity to out "Herod" Herod. As far as time with the daughter is concerned there is official family time obviously split between the birth parents and there is time the daughter has for friends and other activities at her discretion. By asking the daughter's permission the father can accsess the latter. Take her on buddy dates during the week when she has free time reasserting her primacy among the things in his life.Time spent in small adventures is better than any "thing " which can be given.In the end however titles mean nothing. Family is as family does.
good luck
David

Dear Laura,

First of all I think you are a great stepmom for caring so much for your stepdaughter. I think her age may have something to do with it and I am sure you and her dad have done nothing to make her feel uncomfortable. I think you should respect her wishes (for now) and do not force her to sleep over. I think dad should have a talk alone with her and just let her know how much he misses her and that when she feels ready again you would both love for her to spend the night again. Maybe just do it once a month as a compromise. Remember that as she becomes a teenager life will be all about her and she will probably want to spend less time with you both. I was a child of divorce and my dad and I had a terrible relationship, i have a 19 year old daughter now and one thing I always told my husband was to give her love, praise her, make her feel as if she was one of the most important people in his life and i guarantee she will respond. Girls need their dad's love it will predict the future of all of her relationships with men. I am sure you are a wonderful stepmom but i think it is natural for any daughter to hold some resentment towards a stepmom because( and this comes from me ) because you never want to share your dad with another women. Like I said it is nothing you are doing. I think you should back off and maybe have dad take the initiative maybe take her to dinner or a movie and have them reinforce their relationship and i think everything in time everything will fall into place. Good Luck

First of all, I like to commend you in making a serious attempt to provide the love, warmth and kindness to this young girl. If she does not want to sleep over any more for whatever reason other than her personal things not being there, it is up to her. She is much older than her brother and she probably gets bored or feels she needs someone her age that she can relate to. You know girls are known to be very moody. Maybe that is how she feels at this moment. She may change her mind in the near future. It is better to have her come and stay for the day than not come over at all. Perhaps as she gets older she will realize that she needs to bond more with her father and brother and eventually end up at your place. She will even be a great babysitter. But for now, she is 10 years old and is still growing and very indecisive.

I think that your husband should speak to her mother and ask that she pack some of her toys and/or video games to keep her entertained. That would be very helpful and you are right, you cannot buy double toys and/or video games just to entertain her at your home. That is ludricrous.

Maybe she is also bored playing with the same toys and doing the same thing she does at home and then go and do the same your place. I think she needs to have a little change of plans when she comes over to your house. Why not take one hour and bake cookies. There are many ready to bake doughs at the supermarket that does not entail much of your time. Check them out. Baking can help her like being at your place. Let her read the instructions and just guide her as she prepares for baking. Let her get everything she needs for making the cookies, bread, or even pizza. That would be so much fun.

Or even go to Michaels and get involved with arts and crafts. Simple things like painting little toys, houses, knitting, making rugs or tie dyeing T-shirts. They have so many different ideas for a young person to become creative.

I think she is just bored and needs a change. Switching things up a bit would be good for you too cause you can also get involved with various activities as well.

I also think that going to Target and buying her a $10 sewing machine would be fabulous. She can make pillow cases, scarves, tableclothes, table runners, pocketbooks, blankets for her dolls. I am telling you this bc I bought that sewing machine for myself. (hee-hee). It really works. I was amazed.
Just make sure you supervise her while she sews. You are going to have to sew with it first before you give it to her so that you can safely instruct her on how to use it. Try it. So much fun. You can even buy yourself one and you both can have fun. Try it, you might like it.

Good luck and I wish you the best.

M.

Hi Laura,
While I am not a stepmom, I have been through having a 10 year old girl (now 13).
She is entering puberty. Privacy and space are very important. If she is sharing a room with a 2 year old (and it's his room) or if she's sleeping on a pullout couch somewhere, this isn't going to go over very well in the teen years. Even when you dont see her frequently, she needs privacy and her own space to retreat to. I'm sure it's hard for her not to have any space there that is hers, and all the space belongs to another child who is younger and lives there. While you can't necessarily move to a larger home to accommodate an every other weekend child, the fact is that she is a visitor in your home, and she doesn't like feeling like a visitor. She also may be afraid that she will get her period at your house. While you are thinking about toys and things, maybe what she needs at your house is a stash of pads.

<<Wouldn't the sensible thing to do be for her mom to pack her a few of her favorite toys to bring here and then she can bring them back home?>> 10 is pretty much past the age of toys and past the age of mom packing for her. She is not a little girl. I don't mean to sound accusatory, but maybe you and dad need to realize that this is a time of change and maturity, and the things she needs and does is different than in her younger years. She's entering that time where she isn't going to sit and play with toys for a couple of days. She's probably getting to the age where two days will be a long time not to call your friends, or IM or listen to your Ipod and miss sleepovers and such. Friends become very important at this age. Is she missing activities and social opportunities because of the visitation? This can be a huge issue for tweens/teens.
My suggestion would be for dad to speak with daughter about what would make her comfortable in spending time with the 3 of you. Good luck.

I too have 3 step-daughters. They are older now (24, 20, 18). My Husband and I have been together for approx 9 years; not married the whole time. We also have a 4 yr daughter. Long Story short: We made the mistake of not "forcing" our daughters to stay at our house, overnight, at least once a month. It has come back to bite us in that they have said that we didn't care enough to make them stay. My suggestion is that a 10 year old is not old enough to be making the decision as to whether or not she's going to spend time with her "other family". You should have her bring over some of her favorite things with her and they can go home with her as well. Presumably she stays on the couch as you only have 2 bedrooms. Maybe you could have her keep some of her things in her brother's bedroom (they can share - he's little so he won't mind). Good luck! It's not easy and it doesn't get better.

Open up the lines of communication with her!!

I can not stress that enough. I am a GS leader to this age group as well as a first time Mom and the oldest of 4 siblings and communication is key in these types of situations.

Take the pressure off her by going to lunch with you, hubby and her and as much as you all love the baby brother, leave him with a sitter, so that the attention stays focused on her. Be specific in your questions and reinforce her feelings - "Your Daddy and I have learned that you do not want to spend the nights at our house. This makes us very sad. Can you explain to us why? We are really concerned because we love you and miss you and we like being able to have you sleep-over. What can we do to make you more comfortable? What do you miss most about home when you spend the night with us? Is there anything that you wish we could do? Is there anything that you wish we could do more often together/seperately/with Daddy/with me?"

All of these types of questions should be leading and give you some ideas on what to work on. Maybe it is not a "stuff" issue. Maybe it is a privacy issue? Maybe it is a jealouy issue festering and just showing? You won't know until you ask her. She is on that boarderline where she is maturing and embarassed and probably not sure how to voice her new opinion and trying to exert some personal freedom all at the same time. Girls at this age need firm but gentle guidance. If possible, get some insight from Mom before and after the conversation, but don't betray her trust in you by spilling what you talked about. Again, ask direct pertinent questions like "Did she feel better after our last visit?"

Another thought: Maybe by not asking her to take on responsibility at you house too (i.e. chores), maybe she feels less a member of the family? Also, are the general rules (like bedtime) consistent between the houses? If not, this could be causing some of the stress.

I would do everything I could before pulling out the "I'm the parent" or the "court papers said" card; although it may ultimately be necessary. No matter what pans out Mom needs to get on board and reinforce the weekend visit rules.

I do believe that she should be spending the allotted time with you/Dad.

Love to hear how it works out.
~C.

PS. Don't know what the sleeping arrangments are, but a cute daybed or pullout couch with some nice screens around it works will as an "extra" room. If you got ones with Photoholes in it, she could decorate the papers and add a special photo of each of her visits to make a memory collage to fall asleep looking at. Alternatively, three door panels cut out and hinged can be made as a way cheaper alternative. This could be more fun too as you can paint the panel doors or cover them in fabric, add framing from the local dollar store, etc. Her choices of course! :-)

Laura,

I can very much relate to what you are going through. I have been a step mother for 10 years, my step son is now 16, so I know how difficult it is. Step children, really any child whose parents don't live together, have the opportunity to manipulate situations to get their way. This, at least in my step-son, has caused him to become very self centered and manipulative.

Here's the deal. She's 10...there is probably a court order that stipulates visitation...it needs to be followed. If she doesn't want to spend the night, her mother has to petition the court and have a darn good reason (not having a bedroom of her own is not a reason) why she shouldn't spend the night at your apartment. My step son has lived with us for the past two years (after years of begging to live with us the courts finally allowed it when he turned 14), and now he is trying to say he wants to go back with his mom because he shares a bedroom with his 9 and 6 year old brothers. It's not going to fly...no judge will let him go back to his drinking and driving, heavy smoking mother just because he has to share a room. Siblings have to share a room. Period. That's life. We tried to explain to him that his brothers don't get to leave and go live somewhere else just because he throws his stuff all over the floor and they don't have their own room. They are kids until they are 18.

They don't get to make adult decisions. Visitation and the details surrounding it is an adult decision. To allow them that power causes problems later on. Your step daughter needs to spend the night at your apartment on your weekends. Does she share with the 2 year old, or sleep on the sofa? In either case, that is not a reason for her not to stay. Would she never visit her grandmother if the grandmother didn't have a special bedroom for her?

As for stuff...that's why there are suitcases. You shouldn't have to buy all kinds of things for 4 days a month. My stepson had two sets of everything and I don't think it did him any favors. He is very spoiled and entitled. Don't let that happen to your step daughter.

It isn't easy for the step kids, and it is really unfortunate that they have to switch households. I do feel bad for them for that, but it doesn't give them the right to be making adult decisions. She doesn't know what is best for her. She needs time with her father...not just a day visit...and your son needs his sister around too.

Now, with all of that being said, it is possible she should see a counselor to figure out if there is some reason for the sudden change.

Feel free to send me a private email if you want to talk more about this issue.

D.
mother to 1 step son (16) and 4 biological children (9, 6, 3, 20 months)

Hi, I don't have much advice to give here...but I was once a stepdaughter (I was 15 when I lost my mom to cancer, the next year we moved into a new house along with my dads girlfriend and her 2 boys and my 2 brothers.) I tried very hard to like my SM. But I never truly felt comfortable around them being all huggy and kissy. So, if you and your husband are like that, maybe keep in mind that she might feel uncomfortable around that. I only lived one year with them...it just didn't work between her and I.

One other thing...I have heard many friends with exhusbands talk about the "bag of toys" they sent with their child to the step house. They are always complaing about broken toys or suppling the other house with all the toys, etc, because things don't come back with the child. So, be sure if she does bring things over, that they get returned, all toys, clothes, etc.

Have fun activities in mind to do, with options for her to pick from. 10 year old girls love crafts. Walmart, AC More, Michaels, all have great craft ideas for cheap. Make bracelets, decorate picture frames, paint a piece of wood or rock. Give her ideas of what to do....don't keep asking her, "What do you want to do today?" They still need suggestions at that age. Take her with you to the craft store...she would love it! Good Luck!!!

You already have some great advice. I just want to share that chores are not evil. I don't know if you ask for her help or if she would like to help. If she doesn't feel apart of life there and the family, why bother going it she is to just sit there with her games.

I know others have said that you're the parent, along with her mom, but her feelings, the step daughter's, need to be taken seriously. I agree with someone saying earilier that your husband (or you if think it might be a 'girl thing') chat with her. Let her know that her thoughts and feelings matter to both (all three) of you. I disagree with forcing a young lady into a situation where she is not comfortable pshyically. Not that you or your husband are harmful, it could just be the privacy issue. Any pre-teen or teen would like to know that they are taken seriously.

Laura,

It might possibly work that if you sit her down and explain to her the ins and outs of this situation, she might understand it better.

Does she play with her brother at all, any interaction?

Do you and your husband express things? I know my parents (and they weren't even separated!) didn't use the words 'I love you' until the day I left for college. Some people think kids understand this, and yet it remains unsaid.

Is her Mom telling you this or is she? Can you get her Mom to work with you on this maybe?

I wish you luck. I cannot imagine this or having to go through it, and yet I've heard the situation so much.

Good Luck,
M.

I think I understand your situation from the other side. My son has gone to his father's and his wife's on the weekends for years. As he got older (now 15), he felt like he was missing out on things with his friends at home, and he didn't have a private space at his father's. I talked to him about it and I said that his father really wants to spend time with him and that he should talk to him about what's bothering him. His father and I worked it out to be more flexible if there was something my son really wanted to do with us or his friends, but we make up the day another time.

Is your step-daughter's mother willing to have the same kind of talk? Maybe if you change the schedule - you have one weekend day and another evening during the week - or every other weekend - she wouldn't be missing every weekend.

Good luck - I know the back and forth with a child is challenging.

I have no intention of changing my initial response but after receiving over 20 nasty messages would like to clarify some things;

#1 They are living in step mother's parents house, step mother is pregnant with another child

#2 Until now the child has not been provided so much as a drawer to keep basics in

#3 Step mother will not attend step daughter's church

#4 Child of step and bio father has own room

#5 They don't plan on giving step child own room even when they do save for a bigger place

#6 Step daughter also doesn't have own room while at mother's home, where there are also children from different fathers

So before anyone else sends me a nasty message let me tell you that this child is in a really bad place.

If you cannot afford to take care of the children you've already had, you don't keep making more. With few exceptions if you're living in your parent's house with your husband, child, & baby on the way you need to do something about your financial situation prior to reproducing. The father should be working six jobs if he has to in order to provide for his first child.

I do not understand why so many find it offensive that I think the step daughter should have at the very least a drawer of her own she can keep things in. Why do so few of you view her as a person that has rights? Children deserve respect. At her age she should have some form of privacy.

Her mother is her primary care taker. Since the step mom won't attend her church what is the big deal that her mother takes her to the church she attends on a regular basis and then brings her back?

I have also gotten messages thanking me for having the courage to say what so many think. Step children have been pushed aside and mistreated for too long. I am not against step parents. I am against parents who do not take responsability for the children they produce. I am against the first child not being treated as well as the others in the second or third marriage.

There are some good step parents out there and I only wish I had one. Those who are doing the right thing should not be offended. Those who are doing the wrong thing deserve to be offended, embarrassed, and in some cases not allowed further contact with any child.

Do not send me nasty messages if you don't feel like reading to the end. I did not ask her to answer to me, only to herself. I also gave my reason for each and every question.

I also have a stepmother. I will tell you from my view point but please don't be offended. I want you to put yourself in her position. I am coming to you with very first hand experience. Honestly from your description I wouldn't want to be there either.

First there are some things I want you to ask yourself I'm not asking you to tell me or anyone else but this is what you need to realize;

-Does your child have a bedroom in your apartment?

-Do you work also?

-If you don't why should she do without something so her "half brother" can have it?

-How many jobs does your husband work?

-Do you have a space where she can keep things at your home (even if they are duplicates) so she has her own stuff there instead of bringing her stuff back and fourth and living out of a suit case?

-Have you ever said in front of her that her mom should pack things for her to bring?

-How long were her parents married and what kind of terms are they on now?

-Were you dating him while he was married to her mother?

-Do you and your husband offer to bring her to church?

-Do you and your husband bring her to do things with her friends?

-Is your husband paying a large amount of child support that he is providing her with significantly more then half of what her mother's expenses are for their daughter(including the amount of money it takes to have a room for her, utilities, food, her clothing, her toys, her activities)?

-You mentioned that her mother brings her back, is the mother responsible for all the transportation?

-It is summer vacation, have you and your husband brought her anywhere fun?

-Have you brought your son anywhere fun?

-Do you always include her in your family events?

-The things you mention for her to play with, who picked them out? Is there a place she can play without being bothered by her two year old brother?

I ask these things because I'm willing to bet she resents many of these things, I did.

She was your husband's first child and did not ask to be born. You married him and had a baby knowing he has a life time obligation to be there for her. There will be big things, Braces, Bicycles, Sweet 16 Party, Getting a car, College, and even a Wedding that he will be responsible for.

Now I will explain each question for you;
(remember I'm giving you the view point of a ten year old)

-Does your child have a bedroom in your apartment?
If he does it is not fair for her to be expected to either share a room with a two year old or sleep on the couch. If he doesn't you don't have room for over night visits.

-Do you work also?
If no why not?

-If you don't why should she do without something so her half brother can have it?
She was there first, why should her father work so that he can spend all of "his" money on you and your baby

-How many jobs does your husband work?
His #1 priority is his daughter, she was there before you were, why should she have less so that her "half brother" can have more, isn't it enough he gets to live with both his parents

-Do you have a space where she can keep things at your home (even if they are duplicates) so she has her own stuff there instead of bringing her stuff back and fourth and living out of a suit case?
It sucks being shuffled back & forth. Would it be that much trouble for you to make some permanent closet and bathroom space so she doesn't feel like a visitor. She's not being treated like a family member but a guest, you'd be better off giving her closet space and chores, that way she can belong

-Have you ever said in front of her that her mom should pack things for her to bring?
She resents you to begin with, one off color comment about her mother, even joking, she will hate you

-How long were her parents married and what kind of terms are they on now?
If they get along it's better for everyone. Is it feasible for all of you to do some activities together?

-Were you dating him while he was married to her mother?
If so she will always resent you

-Do you and your husband offer to bring her to church?
If this is a value important to her mother you need to raise her while in your home as her mother would, maybe you can all go together even if you are not the same religion

-Do you and your husband bring her to do things with her friends?
What kind of social life does she have at your home? She's at the age where she want to do things with her other tween friends, also she's at the age where hormones start flowing and new things happen

-Is your husband paying a large amount of child support that he is providing her with significantly more then half of what her mother's expenses are for their daughter(including the amount of money it takes to have a room for her, utilities, food, her clothing, her toys, her activities)?
Unless your husband is paying at least $1,500 a month there is no reason why he can't provide a room for her if she is there every weekend, get a bigger apartment, or buy a house since this is when they are the least expensive

-You mentioned that her mother brings her back, is the mother responsible for all the transportation?
What are you and your husband responsible for other then feeding her & giving her a pillow & blanket, do you bring her to medical or dental appointments, attend school events, teacher meetings?

-It is summer vacation, have you and your husband brought her anywhere fun?
Would you want to be stuck in a small apartment with a sticky (I love my sticky baby) little brother where she has no privacy, if she sleeps on the couch she's at the mercy of the lighting in the room, if she shares a room that's no fun either, babies touch everything even if it doesn't belong to them, she's ten and wants her own space

-Have you brought your son anywhere fun?
If so you may want to take her somewhere fun separately, have a babysitter come and go bowling, let her be the center of attention for once, have her dad take her out alone and do something fun, have dad take care of the two year old and you and her go get your nails done

-Do you always include her in your family events?
What happens at the holidays? Do you spend more on her brother then her? Do you bring her with you on family vacations?

-The things you mention for her to play with, who picked them out? Is there a place she can play without being bothered by her two year old brother?
Right now things are changing, she's growing hair in strange places, even if just a stray here and there, I remember I wasn't allowed to lock the bathroom door and my younger brothers would always come in when I was showering, I didn't even want to shower. Girls at that age are shy about their bodies, make sure she has privacy, as a temporary measure you could put her brother in the living room for the weekend and let her have his room

It only gets worse with age. When I got married I thought things were different. I couldn't pick the time of my wedding, I always dreamed of a night wedding, I didn't know most of the guests, I couldn't do the seating, my step mom's best friend even took one of the free hotel rooms that came with the package that was supposed to be my husband's for the night before the wedding & we had to pay for his room.

They only gave me a budget of $15,000 and they invited 70 people (well, 70 out of the 100 they invited came) so I was only allowed a few guests. I was told if I could do it without spending all the money I could keep the difference. I made the candles myself, did floral arrangements, two vases with two dozen roses that had to be done 48 hours prior so they'd live, I etched the glass votive candle holders, painted others, glued pearls on others, I had almost 1,000 candles that lit the room. I painted disposable cameras because it was too much for the pretty ones, I even bought a dress off the rack for $99, the MSRP was $2,300, it did cost another $600 for it to fit correctly but it was still a great price. They messed up the cake horribly, so I convinced them to return the $1,100, my dad's mom kept it!

Then when I was pregnant she started being nicer to me. At first she couldn't get enough of her new "grand daughter". My mother was gracious enough to share the title so no one feels left out. The first time she saw her she made my dad spend the night, that was the first time ever that they spent the night. When my daughter was 2 months old she babysat so my husband and I could have a dinner date. But she can flip faster then a pancake. As soon as money's involved I'm my father's daughter.

How do you really feel about your stepdaughter? The transition wasn't easy on her. It's up to you to go out of your way to make her feel special. Don't try to replace her mom, just show her you are a family member and her feelings matter to you. What about weeknights? Could you and/or your husband take her out to eat? Right now the weekends are great for fruit picking. Halloween is right around the corner.

Try taking her school shopping. I remember how upset I was when my brothers both had Nike high top sneakers & I had low tops because I had a $25 limit

I know you said you don't have all the money in the world but the economy sucks. I have been legally disabled since 2001 but refused to start working until I got hurt working my second job last year. A house would help and it's not a bad long term investment.

Try making meals she likes, get her some school clothes. I'm actually posting an ad right now but if you want to look up my website I'll give you some clothes NWT for her at my cost to help smooth things out.

Please feel free to contact me, I'm sorry that this was blunt but it's hard to understand if you haven't been there.

I wish you the best of luck.
Kim

Hi Laura,

I have been there done that, except it was my son not wanting to go to his Dad's, and it was because his father was a let down and not a promise keeper. He basically did'nt bother with him, so I stopped forcing him to go. A 12 yr. old isn't going to cry for "No Reason". Plus they get to an age where they want and need to spend more time with their friends, it's normal. I think that Forcing them to spend time with someone isn't going to make them like that person, they will eventually come around.

What I would suggest is doing some things that are'nt expensive that would cause you and your step daughter to spend some quality time together, when she does come over. For example:

Mani~Pedi Day

Bake, or cook a meal together, something she likes : )

Get the family outside and have a ballon toss.

Let her have a friend sleep over and make bead bracelets, get them a movie, and make some pop corn!

There are lots of activities that 10 yr. olds like to do that they sell at the craft stores that she'll enjoy, yet you'll probably have to help her, therefore causing you or her dad to spend quality time together! : )

Hope this helps! Best Wishes!

R. : )

IM at work right now so I cant write eveything I want to, but I went through the SAMEEEEE thing you did! Since my step daughter didnt comever much (by choice of her or her mother it seemed) anything I bought stayed at our house.. My husband would tell her all the time "call me, call me" she never would, but when she seen us she loved us... I told him you tell her that again agter 5 years and shes not calling Im going to go NUTS! He stopped saying it THANK GOD!!! But around the age of 11-13 maybe even 14 she NEVER came around... MAybe once every otehr month! I WAS LIVID! But I let the bird go and seen if she would ever come back around! IT WORKED!!! Not that she comes around much still but she enjoys herself and we didi push her way from making her do anything she didnt want ot do... If she wanted to stay she would.. .We always told her if you want ot move in/come over when ever YOUR WELCOME TO ANYTIME! Still she never went over board and showed much emotion on coming over... Any toerh kid that comes over NEVER WANTS to leave, so I guess Ill never under stand it! Maybe she had more freedon at home and didnt like we had rules is the ONLY thing I can emagoin she wouldnt want to stay!!
I hear the same comment ' I dont have my own room, my own stuff" Well we toild her if you were here alot more nad we can count on her coming all the time we would make it differnt, but there was NEVER any intrest in her part.... Soooooo
moral to my story, I would let her know all the time you guys love her and shes welcomed ANYTIME and ANY DAY... You may see more of her or you may have to let hergrow up and figure out what ever is going on in her head!!

I dontk now if this helped, but I rember those days of FUSTERATION!!! Now shes going on 16 and we have 2 little ones of our own and we see her every now and then.. I guess thats just what our relationship will be with her (Im just glad we have a relationship still) I didnt want ot push ehr away.

I'm a step mom too and I know how stressful it can be. It would seem to me that the sleeping arrangements are probably not the "true" issue. It seems like it's a pretty hectic schedule for a 10 yr. old. Is there a way to minimize her "moving around" on the weekends that she is with you? Also, she should have her own set of toys and clothes for your house--i'm not sure who this should be provided by, but it is essentially her second home and it should feel that way. it may be an inconvenience, but she is a child. Also, I would suggest, she get some one on one special time with Dad. She may just want some special attention, however, I do not think she should be allowed to dictate when she comes to visit and doesn't.
As a sidenote, stepmom, i can hear the stress in your voice. DO NOT TAKE THIS ALL ON YOURSELF...i know that i used to get really stressed about these things and i have my own two small children. Finally, I told my husband he had to figure it out and that's when he was forced to do something proactive.

Laura,

I am sure deep in her heart she loves her daddy, you and her little step brother just as much as you love her. But, if she doesn't have any siblings at her mom's house, then she is the center of attention, ALL eyes are on her. At your house, she is competing with her little brother, who daddy picks up and throws in the air and catches him, feeds him, changes his diapers and cuddles him, while she looks on (with a slight smile) Tell the truth, Daddy doesn't pick her up and swing her or toss her in the air anymore does he, because she is too big? Sure he hugs her and lets her sit on his lap, but, she is told she is a big girl. Maybe she doesn't want to be a big girl, at 10 years old, maybe she still wants to be daddy's little girl.

20 years ago I married my second husband, who had one daugher, she was 13 years old and I had 3 children of my own, daughter 14, son 15 and son 9 at that time. When she came to my house for visits, I insisted that her father take her out for personal time, ALONE! All four of our children were showered with love, but, I also insisted that my children to be with their Father ALONE, for personal time. In the Summer his daughter used to come for 2 weeks vacation, and day before or week after holidays. She always wanted to be with her Mom on those days, and we did not object. 20 years later if you ask her about her step Mom, she will say, she's my best friend, she is an Underwriter for a Major Insurance Company and showers me with presents everytime she visits, and I treat her like she came out of my womb. And if you ask her about her siblings she will say she has a sister and two brothers. Have patience, don't force her into anything. If she doesn't want to come, wait until she does. My step-daugher's mother and I are like sisters, very close. The 20 years I've been in her life, she has NEVER had to ask twice for anything, and I've always made sure her daughter was WELL taken care of and her mother was complete. On mother's day I would shop for her Mom's present, and I spoiled her mom as well.

I would say, take a step back and give her time to adjust. Allow her to love her step father and enjoy her mom's home, before pressuring her to accept you and her little brother. Patience is a Virtue. Eventually, she will come around, and by pre-teen or a couple of years, she may be the one requesting to spend more time with you.

Well, let me start off by saying that I was in the sme boat as your stepdaughter when I was a kid. My parents divorced when I was 2 years old. My younger brother and I always hatd spending the night at my dad's. We never flet like we had a place there. We also did not have a bedroom there and my dad just put us on cots in a room where my step mother bred quail and finches. It was not "homey" feeling to us. I do understand that you really don't have mych room, but maybe you could try to find a place in the house that she can call her own. if our two year old is ready for or already in a bed, maybe bunk beds would make her feel a little more at home. If your son really looks forward to her visit, maybe she will feel she is needed when he wants to share his room with her. maybe even put a night stand in his room for her to keep her stuff in. I had nothing at my dad's. We liven out of our suitcase and the only toys we had to play with were the ones we bought with us. The big difference in you guys and my dad are you are trying to make her visits more enjoyable for her. if you live close to her mom, maybe suggest her bringing a friend over for the night. You can join them and have a girls night. Rent "old" chic flicks, make popcorn and you could camp on the living room floor. It might not be a physically comfortable night for you, but she might get a kick out of it. It might really make her feel like you want her to feel comfortable at your house. it is back to school time, maybe you could take her shopping for a couple of outfits and help her put a fashion sho on for your husband and son.

The one thing I can suggest is that you don't make her spnd the night. there were a few times that I didn't want to go to my dad's house and he physically drug me out of my house. i think the key is to make her feel as comfortable with you guys as possible. if she tells you guys se doesn't want to spend the night just say "okay, we will pick you up in the morning/afternoon and go to breakfast/lunch or whatever your plans are for that day.

i think the best thing you can do is just try to make her as comfortable as possible. Without me knowing your relationship with her I am not sure how comgortable she is with you and your husband. Maybe it you guys take turns having one on one time with her she will be more comfortable. Goos Luck! please feel free to email me if you would like any other suggestions or insight!!!!

First of all, if there is a court order for visits, you need to stick with it, no matter what.
Second of all, she is 10 yrs old...she doesn't get to make the decisions on whether she comes and stays or not.

If you (her dad) start letting her make the choice now of whether she comes or not, then it will only get worse from here.
We've gone through this with my bonus daughters. They are now teenagers and we only see them once or twice a year because they live 8 hours away and their mother will not meet us half way on transportation. (She did when they were little, but then she got a wild hair and refuses to do it now.)

As for her having her stuff at your place, it's understandable that she'd want some of her own stuff there to make it feel more like it's her home.She doesn't need her own room to do this either.
I would suggest that she either bring some extras with her, or you get her some of her own things to keep at your home. There's really nothing wrong with her having two of whatever if one is at your home and one at her mom's.
It could be she is bored with the toys she has there... you mention a lot of games... does anyone sit down and play them with her? it sounds like she needs something new to stimulate her.

Where does she sleep when she comes to visit? If she doesn't have her own room, does she share a room with her brother? Or does she sleep in the living room?
Maybe you could ask her what would make her more comfortable. If you can put a bed ( you could use a fold up cot for space) specifically for her in her brother's room and let her have her own little area, she may feel more at home.
If you can't do that, maybe you can get her a small tent for the living room so she can have her own area there. It would giver her some privacy and an area to 'get away' when she is there.
I know it's a pain to set it up and take it down all the time, but really, if you want her to be comfortable and feel like it is her home too, then making adjustments is a necessary thing to do.

I really hoe you get this all worked out. It's important for kids to be able to see both parents and it seems that most times the dads are the ones who lose out on time with them in these situations. But it's important for dad to stick to his guns on her visits and make her still come. Hopefully the mom with cooperate with him in enforcing it.
Even if the daughter doesn't appreciate it not, she will when she gets older. It could just be that she feels left out and not a real part of your family... she could feel like an 'extra' or a burden. You need to make an extra effort to make her feel involved in the family and part of it.

Oh and one more thing... you said you don't make her do chores. That is one thing she needs to help with. That is a big mistake some parents make, because they don't have the kids on a regular basis, they don't make the kids help out. But in doing this, it also either spoils the child or makes them feel like they are not really a part of that family.
Start having her help out..she is old enough to do some chores.... vacuuming, doing some dishes, folding laundry, etc.... light work.

The most important thing is to treat her the same as you would if she was your own daughter by birth. And it's important for your husband to treat her the same as the other child (besides the age difference). You don't want them to grow up and resent each other because one got more attention than the other, or one had to do chores and the other didn't.

We recently had this discussion with our kids and the boys (who live with us) were starting to feel hurt because my husband wasn't as hard on the girls when they come for a visit, he didn't ask them to do chores and if he did, and they didn't do them, he just laughed about it. Meanwhile he would get mad at the boys if they did the same thing. The boys finally sat down and talked to me about it and I sat down with them and their dad so they could explain it to him.... because they were starting to resent him and the girls for it (the girls knew they could get away with it and took advantage).

Hi Laura, Because 10 year olds get board very easy here are are some suggestions if you haven't considered them already.Plan ahead before she comes and let her & the Mom know you guys have plans for the weekend. You don't have to change your whole weekend routine but It's Ok to accomodate her a little but It's also Ok to include her with some of the chores around the house so she feels like It's her home too. Maybe you could pick up 1 thing a week to add to her space in the home. Does she have her own space?
10 year olds like to bake. I raised 3 daughters myself as a divorced mom and started teaching them to cook & bake along with me around that age. Actually earlier when it came to making things like cookies & cupcakes. I remember having so much fun & now I do the same with my Grandaughters. (A good way for you to bond). Think of things to do outside the house that cost little or no money that you all can do. Does she like sports? Go skating,roller skating at a rink & ice skating in the winter. if your in NY there are tons of activities for kids & families. As far as church, why can't you & your husband share with that responsibility on your weekends. Also can you share your concerns with the mother? Put yourself in the childs place. A lot of the time they can't express at that age what they are feeling. Tell her It's important to you that she is happy and you would love it if she had any suggestions , within reason of course. You guys are still in charge but I believe this will open her up and give her a sense of belonging. Having a place there in the home and being part of the family unit. Don't get me wrong, I believe you guys are doing the best you know how.
I hope I've been able to help a little but I just want ot tell you a little about my oldest daughter. She was a single mom of a son. She married a man with 2 children, a boy & girl. It wasn't easy for any of them. All the children are about the same age. The girl now just turned 13. It took along time for her and my daughter to bond. I am so proud of my daughter & how she handles it. They do girlie things together,nails,hair,shopping,just the 2 of them . There was a lot of rebellion and still is sometimes. The hate word popped up a few times for whatever reason little girls rebell against the stepmom. She tried to play the father against my daughter at times but that didn't work. Anyway I've rambled too much,lol.
Good luck Laura,keep us up to date OK?

J.

No, do not force her to sleep over and do not buy her more toys unless it's her birthday or x-mas.

Yes, it would seem right that the child can come along with her own toys if she's not happy with the ones you do provide for her....which gives me the feeling that something more is going on here.

Go with picking her up and droping her off on the set days that she is to be with you and your family. Spend quality time with her during the hours she is with you. Let the child know she's loved and that with her Mom's permission, she can sleep over if she wants to.... but if she expresses that she doesn't want to, you might want to ask why to see if the problem can be corrected but don't push it, don't pressure her or put her on the spot or cause her to feel guilty about it..
See how it goes....watch for a pattern of her Mom messing up the time you have with the child. Keep a record of the dates and excuses given. Maybe at some point the child will express some clues about what is really going on with all of this and her Mom or express missing sleeping over etc. etc. If she does, don't re-act with bad mouthing her Mom. Don't put the child in the middle of a power struggle. Have your husband deal with her Mom directly.

What are the legal visitation rights for this child??? If for any reason the pattern is showing it's the Mom causing the change, and was not the child wishes, your husband might want to remind MOM, he can and will take her back to court if she doesn't stop playing games with this.

The point is be sure of what is really going on here as you want the child to be happy.

Why not get her a cedar chest to put her belongings in? These are nice decorative items and sometimes you can get them used, but they are not more than a few hundred dollars new.

It could be her private place and stake at your home and kept locked when she is not there (which you should keep locked or inaccessible, if there is a 2 year old in the house).

It could be her "hope chest" for later in life when she gets married or is on her own.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. My husband and I are in the same predicament and the best thing you can do is let her do her thing. Don't force her to stay over, because she will resent you. Let her know that your home is always open and she is welcomed anytime.

Laura,

Your step daughter is 10 so I would go to her and talk to and ask her why she feels uncomfortable and what would make her feel that way and maybe get her a stuffed animal or something. Not saying to go spend a ton of money because it is understandable that times are hard right now. It could be something simple or maybe she is upset that her brother is there all the time and she is not.
I hope this helps and wish you the best of luck.
J.

I would suggest making here stay... if you give in now you will loose the days too. she is just testing the waters. your the parents put your foot down.

Does the court settlement say she is to be with her father every other weekend? Whatever the court papers say should be done. She is 10 and doesnt know what she wants, thats why she has parents and thats why there is an agreement in writing. Her father should tell her that the court ordered her to come to his house AND sleep there. He should tell her to pack whatever toys she wants and plan to sllep on the couch. Or maybe you can get an inflatable mattress for her.
Whatever the case she cannot dictate what she wants. If she didnt want to go to school would that be ok? She needs the bond between her dad and her baby brother. If it isnt maintained she will regret it later and probably blame you.

Having said that, make sure your husband makes an effort to entertain her. If she comes to your house and just sits and plays video games its no wonder she is bored. You should plan an activity for her to look forward to. "Next time you come we will go to the zoo/movie/park/pool." You should also plan to do a girly thing with her. Maybe fix her hair or bake cookies. Make a crafty thing to surprise her mom. I'm sure you plan activities for your son and you should take the time to do the same for her, but her father should spend some one on one time with her to make her feel special.

Hi Laura,

I don't kno anything about step-daughters....However I have to commend you for really caring as a step-mother.

Because you are truly sincere, I think you and your husband should sit down and discuss your sincerity and find out what that 10-year old brain is thinking. It could be something that's easy to fix, but communication is key. You won't know unless you talk with her. It will show your openness and true concern.

Good Luck!
J.

Having been the stepdaughter in the situation, here's a little insight into her eyes. My SM came into my life when I was 6, she had a daughter that was 2 yrs younger than me. When I was 8, she and my Dad had another child, my sister. While I love my sister to no end, I have always held some bitterness toward my stepmother. My SM is a loving mother, and has always tried to treat me as her own. Even now, I'm 26 yrs old, with a child of my own, I still harbor the same bitter feelings from my childhood.

I do know my mother contributed quite a bit in the bitter feelings toward my SM. So maybe that's the case in your SD's situation. I don't know how communication is between you, your husband and her mother. But I think everyone needs to have a sit down conversation about this situation.

Dear Laura,
Please remember first and foremost that she is ten and a preteen. So she does need her privacy. If you have a good relationship with her mom you can ask her if she can keep some of her clothes there. Now is the time that she will be testing the waters and seeing who she can play. It is extremely that you have an open communication between all her parents. If you live close enough to her mom than is it to much of a big deal if you pick her and spend the day with her. I know that it hurts when they say that they don't want to be there but please don't take it personally. Remember she is a preteen. Try to think that if the parents were still together would she be home every weekend? Good Luck