Help 9 Year Old Going on 13 - Clackamas,OR

I cant offer any tips but want to let you know that you are not alone. My eight year old son is the same way. Please let me know if you come up with something.

I've gone through the same thing. My daughter was 7, dad not around, had brothers from different mom she rarely saw, it was just me and her. I think when it's just the two of you, you are way more relaxed. But when you have help, you realize the way things were before are not the way you really wnat them. I now have a great husband, and my daughter has 3 siblings from him. It's been tough, but the biggest thing is consistancy, adn both of you being on the same page. Do you allow him to discipline? Although this is a very hard thing for me, I do have to allow this. Sometimes it's not the way I would have done it, but it lets her know I'm not going to bail her out. Her biggest issue use to be food. I would fix her eggs, or cereal for dinner and she'd never eat her veggies. When we had all four kid though, it would be impossible to have that type of thing going on. So the rule was, you eat what's in front of you or you don't get dessert and you go to bed 1/2 hour early. There were times she wouldn't eat her dinner and I'd send it to school the next day. She wouldn't get anything else until she ate it. Sound mean, but those foods she hated now are some of her favorite. She still chooses to go without dessert on occasion, but for the most part she knows "you don't have to like it, you just have to eat it."
Also we've been going to therapy, and they recommended Parenting with Love and Logic book. I've been reading it, and it's helped dramatically. It teaches that the kids are in control of their consequences. They make choices and with that comes a good or bad consequence. I would recommend reading that.
Anyway, hang in there, be consistant, husband and wife be on the same page, those are the most important. And if none of taht works, don't be afraid to ask help from a family counselor. We get great ideas from ours.

Hi Liz,

Have you considered a reward system as opposed to a punishment? Some kids work better if they are working toward a goal (i.e., 5 stars = a new toy or whatever their "currency" is). Often times kids respond to rewards, as punishments do nothing but to lower their self esteem. Punishment serves to stop the behavior temporarily (though not always), whereas goals make them *want* to behave.

:)

Keep reminding her how important she is to you. Make time for special adventures and trips just for the two of you. When she gets a smart mouth, or attitude, stop everything and tell her she needs to start over...NOW. Tell her she must back up and rephrase, restate her demand, request or whatever she needs to convey. It is always difficult to work with a child with a sassy, demanding attitude. She is developing a habit and habits can be changed.
You must not give in, argue, lose your temper when she behaves badly. You don't want to give her actions fuel. She probably feels resentment for your new situation no matter how much better it is for you both.
Remind yourself how she must appear to others like teachers and peers. You do not want her to be excluded due to her bad behavior. This age is known for being sassy and somewhat bratty. I call it the Little-Big syndrome. If she wants to act 'big' she's going about it in the wrong way.
Good luck. J.

Hi Liz,
I attend parenting classes at Willamette falls hospital. Although there are no weekly classes for her age group and it looks like you have a busy schedule, they do hold a lot of evening parenting classes though out the year. They have wonderful teachers and teach positive discipline. If you like to read, there are a number of positive discipline books out there. You can also Google search this type of parenting style and find good info on the internet as well. It is amazing how a little different communication style with your children can go A LONG WAY!!!

I have read the other suggestions and many of them are great! The word currencey was used in on or two of them. Every child has a currency. Rewarding for good behavior is an awesome idea. I don't agree that negative behavior shouldn't be punished. She needs to know t hat if she does not do what is expected of her that her whole world is going to come crashing down. If you have to take everything but her mattress out of her room til she figures it out...so be it. If she wants to throw the attitude..you need to calmly start removing things of hers. She sould lose all privaleges when she sasses and disobeys. I do agree that some counseling would be beneficial. Sounds like you two have went through a lot. Be consistent and it will get better! Just remember it's normally gonna get worse before it gets better. Just stay consistent! G'luck!

First of all pressure is not going to help.

I have found that the first thing to do is check myself. Slow down, clam down and ask why I need this to be a certain way. What am I attached to and how I am teaching her to have tension here.

You are obviously projecting a lot onto the child. Carrying the burden in your mind of all the coming troubles. This type of projection is never helpful.

Also, it appears that there is some oppositional language. This is an age when opposition often comes in, it is the parents job to model rising above it or you end up with what you are fearing.

Sit down with her. Your being busy is not something she understands. Put yourself in her place, she loves you, needs you, wants you, and may not be feeling connected, especially if there is a man in the picture.

Take time to be slow, to walk, to hang out, relieve yourself of the role of mom sometimes and be a person with her. She and you will go through lots of stages, but if you let the negative energy come in now, you both loose out.

Talk to her. Tell her about your day, your life. You have been through a divorce, that is hard, you don't want to tell her about that, but remember that when you looked at her. Your stress filters may be on. When you are aware that you may not be objective it helps you be more present with what is.

Don't hit your child. The way it makes you both feel is too negative.

Take time, that is usually what they respond best too.

Warmly,
NM

The only thing I can suggest is to be very, very consistent. Do not feel 'bad' when you punish her for her actions. She needs to respect you and your decisions. When my daughter, also an only child, argues with me I send her to her room. If she continues I will start taking away privileges. Sometimes I will have her write on ruled paper the same sentence over and over all day... then I know she understands what I expect from her. You cannot slip and let things go because it will only continue and you will just have to keep punishing her again and again for the same things and that's no fun =S My daughter is only 7 and she is very good at making me question myself... she is smarter than I give her credit for. Does your daughter make you feel that way? Maybe write a list of rules and post it?? Make sure she understands that things are changing for the better and they are going to stay the same and she needs to get use to it. Good Luck!

Is your daughter an overachiever at school??..I too have a 9yo daughter and this past year it's like we entered the teen years....WAY too early!! Have talked to her teacher and counselor at school.....she is very smart...so consequently we don't get to go thru it early and be done..or later and be done....it just starts early...and keeps going!!! Love & Logic books are good but not always right about everything...I'd seek out other authors...I do like the idea of working towards rewards rather than just punishing....hard in our house too to be consistent these days..I'm in school full time and Dad is very busy(and stressed) with work. But consistency in everything is very important...good luck(to both of us)..let me know how it's going