Please help, I am really struggling here. My daughter is 9 and she has only known her father for the past couple of years, their relationship is very basic they see each occasionaly when it suits him!
His parents have never met and have never done anything about meeting her. now he is saying we need to get this situation sorted out that they want to meet her be involved etc. They pretty much have ignored she exists for 9 years even though we live close by i have heard nothing from them. My feelings are she has wonderful grandparents who would do anything for her, does she really need them, also its too little too late. Its a horrible situation but i can't see a way out, they have said some horrible and untrue things about me and my family when it was not deserved. ( forgive my spelling typing in anger). any advice gretaly appreciated. also to note she has never asked about them.
1st thanks so much for the advice some of it very valuable- but more, her dad has left her 3 times in her life, as in walked in and out, I reached out to his sister as we were once friends she came met her few times than nothng same with his brother, how can i take the chance that theyw on't do the same, its just very messy. Equally as i have been hurt so have my parents they have been my support netowrk and the last thing i want to do is hurt them. I understand the part about about letting her make her own decisions and that it is about her, but they have done nothing nothing to try and see her, I asked them when she was a babyto come and see her and they said no. The anger i have for them is toxic how can i ever get over that and do whats right for my daughter what is right, she is happy and very well balanced has a large family in my side, and is slowly getting to know her father, isn't that enough for now, is it not too late for them. Funny thing is i loose sleep over this, stress out constantly and the minute he says it about them i'm thinking what i should do, but they have never seemed to have done this or they would hav made contact a long time ago.
I don't think you owe anyone anything. If HE wants to take her to meet them, or wants to set up a time they can meet, fine. But it's not up to you do to it or be involved. Do you know if they even want a relationship with her? I'd tell him to tell them that if they want to meet her, they should call you and make amends for the last 9 years.
She may never have asked about them but that doesn't mean they haven't been on her mind.
I am adopted and I have a full, normalish, family. Yet if my biological parents contacted me I would still have room for them in my life. I guess that is just the nature of humanity. Just like a parent of one always has enough love for the second and the love for the second doesn't diminish the love for the first.
Let her get to know her other grandparents. This should not be about you. You also shouldn't share your feelings with her. She will act like she doesn't care and doesn't want to meet them just to spare your feelings. Not a nice place to put your child in.
I know this hurts and makes you angry but again, not about you.
I think its only fair she gets to meet them. But I think there should be strict guidelines that nothing negative is said to her about you. Then let your daughter decide how much of a relationship she wants with them.
Well you daughter will eventually want to know about her father and her fathers side. Can you trust him not to hurt her? If so give him a few hours with them so she can meet them. Warn her not to expect to much. Just do not let it be an every week thing. If your worried about her safety I'd say no to him taking her and I'd maybe allow the grandparets to meet us at a park if they really want to see her. I'd also bring some back up of my own.
I was in a similar situation as a child. We were separated by distance, because we lived in Germany, while my Dad was in Korea. It strained our relationship, but I think he tried. My grandmother lived in Texas. My mother was thankful for this, because not only had she bad mouthed my mother, she tried to blame me for my parents divorce. After hours of family talks and my mother telling us over and over it had nothing to do with us, my grandmother sent me a letter stating that if I had been a better daughter and hadn't whined so much, maybe mommy and daddy wouldn't fight so much. When I was about 14 my dad came to get us and take us on a trip. Part of the trip included meeting my grandparents. I was not thrilled with this idea. MY mother encouraged me though. She said that people change and I needed to give it a try. So I went. I am 36 now. I still don't care too much for my grandmother. But I did love and adore my grandfather. I met several cousins who I have bonded with and I think meeting my dad's family helped us bond more. I am also glad that I got to see things for myself and make my own judgments. If safety is not an issue, let her go and see what happens. My parents were both good at not bad mouthing each other. My mom didn't talk to much about my grandmother either, but she did warn me that my grandmother is sometimes not the most kind person. It prepared me a bit.
Time heals wounds in many instances. They are your daughters family. She's 9 and old enough to decide whether she's comfortable with them. It sounds like it's time to give it a whirl, for her sake.
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Maybe be best to meet at a group setting a few times before allowing her to actually go their home alone?? That gives you time to have conversations with them and hopefully mend fences so you feel more comfortable.
I SO agree with Jo...this is not about you or your ex or even the grandparents...it is about your daughter.
Unfortunately you can't protect her from her grandparents saying hurtful or untrue things...but she deserves a chance to get to know them...and make her own decision. All you can do is be there to help her deal with the things she learns and hears from them.
I would try to come up with a compromise....a meeting in a public place ( a playground ...a discovery center...someplace that she can occupy herself herself with something OTHER than just sitting and staring at her grandparents.) You probably aren't going to be there...that would not make for a very calm, stress free situation for anyone. It should also be a limited time...an hour or so...just a meet and greet sort of situation. Then...let your daughter be in charge of saying whether she wants to have another visit with them. She is old enough to have some personal feedback into this situation.
Who knows, these grandparents may turn out to be a real blessing for your daughter...and it isn't fair to rob her of the chance to find out!!!
Good luck...and God Bless
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I would say, "Your father's parents, your other grandparents, want to meet you. What do you think about that?" If she is interested in meeting them, then say something like, "Well, I don't know if they are the best people in the whole wide world, they sometimes say mean things and are kind of weird, but maybe they will be nice and you will end up liking them. Let's give it a try. If you don't like them, you don't have to spend time with them."
At 9 years old you can be pretty straightforward about it, and if they turn out to be wackos, then she doesn't have to continue seeing them.
I don't see why it should harm her. She has enough people who love her, testing out her other grandparents shouldn't be too traumatic.
Stop stressing about it. You are putting your anger and disappointment on her. She will do perfectly fine in life with only one good set of grandparents. There are lots of well-adjusted people walking around with zero grandparents.
It sounds as if there has been a falling out and maybe that's why they don't visit her.
Updated
It sounds as if there has been a falling out and maybe that's why they don't visit her.
Updated
It sounds as if there has been a falling out and maybe that's why they don't visit her.
I am thinking that you and her father never married. If this is the situation what you are facing is his parents being unable to face the fact that you had a child, their grandchild, out of wedlock. They probably see this as a sin, an unforgivable sin. So many people get so trapped in their religious training that they can't see beyond it.
They are so worried about 'what people will think' they can't open their hearts to their own grandchild.
I would insist on a meeting with them at a neutral place, coffee shop for example. Do not take your daughter, ask them why they did not step forward earlier and what their plans are now. Explain to them that your daughter is totally innocent in this and you will not allow any judgement on her. IF you like what they have to say, allow them to meet her. As long as this is a positive relationship for your daughter let it happen. A child can never have too much love. If they get nasty or say derogatory things about you or your daughter, you can always stop the visits.
My first thought is maybe her father didn't allow them to see her? But maybe that's giving them too much credit.
If you HAVE to let her see them, then make it clear to everyone that you will introduce them as Mr and Mrs So&so, like any other "friend" of yours she will meet.
I don't believe in introducing a young child to people, who have willingly ignored her her whole life, as relations until that child is ready. Her life is fine w/o them...why throw in a wrench she doesn't deserve.
Let her get to know them and prove themselves to her some time before she has to learn she is related to them.
This is tough. They are blood. Sometimes people FINALLY grow up (yes, even Grandparents can be immature) and realize what they are missing out on. Maybe they should meet with YOU first so you can see if they've changed. The hard part on that is? IF you can let go of the past and see if they've changed...that's SOOO hard!!!
I would set rules and guidelines...no nasty talk. no overnights. no unsupervised visits.
You have every right to be angry - you have no trust with him or them. It's not like they've done anything to ingratiate themselves to you, quiet the opposite...so ask to meet with them - as I suggested at first WITHOUT your daughter and see what you think. Ask them WHY now? If they can't give you a good answer, then say not yet...
Then talk with her about their interest in her and see what she says. Don't be negative. Don't bring up the past - just say "your dad's parents have expressed interest in meeting you...can you tell me your thoughts?" If she asked WHY now? hopefully, they will have given you a good answer....
GOOD LUCK!
