Family Issues with Hubby and Mom

I hope you'll decide to graciously accept the ticket. Its sounds like you have a loving family and you should celebrate that and connect the generations. I think you would have a wonderful time!

That's a tough one. Personally I couldn't imagine putting my baby on a plane with someone other than myself or being apart from my baby that long. That may be the way her Daddy is feeling.
My kids are grown and live in other countries, so I can't afford to visit my granddaughter either. BUT the WEBCAM is the most awesome invention for such circumstances. Maybe you could get someone to hook her up over there, it would probably be a lot less than a plane ticket and alleviate the stress. Let us know what you ultimately decide and how it panned out.

Cristin said exactly what came to my mind. You will never regret going. Go! What ever it takes. Have a wonderful first mothers day.

I can understand your husbands concerns, they are completely valid. It's not that he doesn't trust your mom with your daughter. It's more a matter of "what if and neither of us is with her".

I'd have everyone sit down together and try to find a compromise. Figure out if there IS a way for you to go, since your dad has offered to pay for the flight. Maybe see where you could tighten the belt a little more just enough so that the time you'd have to take off work wouldn't put a huge dent in the family finances. But above all validate his concerns as being important.

My personal opinion is try to work this out so you both can go. I wouldn't have seen my grandmother one last time if I hadn't accepted the charity of strangers. We were struggling financially, I had 3 small children and we were preparing for a change of station for my military husband. We didn't have the money for me to go home for christmas while we still lived within driving distance. We ended up with a donation from a charity and I was able to go home for christmas one last time before we moved a plane flight away (MUCH more expensive than a car ride for 5). My grandmother passed away 8 days later and due to financial issues I wasn't able to attend the funeral. But I still have the memory and the pictures of my grandmother with my children and myself one last time. With a smile on her face.

Don't pass up an opportunity that may not come again if you can at all help it. But don't blow off your husbands concerns as nothing either. Sit down together and try to figure out a way everyone can be happy and get what they want and/or need to make this happen.

I feel for you, A.. My family is far away, too. And over the last couple of years I lost both my grandmother and grandfather, about a year apart. My advice, for what it's worth, is GO with your mom and your daughter. Money might be tight, but you should introduce your baby to your grandparents. And you'll never regret seeing your grandparents one last time. You probably will regret not going after they're gone. I regret not making more of an effort to see my grandparents before it was too late. A little money now and pressure at work is nothing compared to connections with family -- that's what really matters. I think your husband's concerns are understandable. Hopefully he'll feel differently if you go on the trip.

I hope that helps a little. Best wishes as you decide what to do.
A.

I think you should accept your dad's most generous offer of buying your ticket, and go. I do agree with your husband that it's too far for you to send your daughter without a parent, even though she will be in good hands. I'm also sure that your grandparents would be doubly blessed by having you there too. Talk to your boss about what it will mean at work, and figure out a time frame and length of stay that will work out. I know that in these times we tend to want to be careful lest our bosses decide we are expendable, but if you show you are taking the best interest of the workplace into consideration, I'm sure they will be willing to work with you to help you take the trip. If you don't have enough accrued vacation time, most places will allow you to borrow against future vacation, or even take some time off without pay. Find some things to cut back on in order to save enough money to be able to survive that lack of income. It may sound impossible, but if you really look carefully at your budget, I'm sure you can find a way to do it.

Think of how happy your Grandmother would be if she got to see YOU and your Daughter! And if you went with your Mom also, then you would be able to have 4 generations together! Your daughter might be too young to remember, but what a wonderful memory, and Photo you could have for her. I am sure you would never regret such a trip. Jobs are important, but Family is irreplaceable. I think If you went together, This would make everyone the happiest, including you! Best of luck to you all!
From C., Mom of 4 beautiful girls

Wow- I totally understand what you are going through. I go through this sort of thing all the time. Your priority is your husband though. He is the other parent of your child. How would you feel if you were butting heads with his mother- don't you think you have the final say in the matter? If he is not comfortable with this, she should not go. However, if your dad is willing to pay your ticket and your husband is alright with that, I would make that work!! I wish you well! Just remember that your marriage needs to be #1 here....

For such an important thing I would say that you, your husband, your child, and your mother should all go to Central America for the visit. I would do whatever it takes - borrow money from relatives, cash in vacation at work. You only get one chance to do this if you grandmother is that old. And you don't want to regret not doing this later because of work or temporary money issues. Try to remember what's important in life. It's worth borrowing the money and taking advance vacation time from work (for both you and your husband) if you have to. That will also resolve the conflict with your husband and mother - since your husband will be with the baby too. It sounds like you are looking at the ONLY option as your mother going alone with the baby. Well, that's not the only option. Your husband (and you!) can go too. Don't get trapped into thinking you can't afford it. You can't afford NOT to do it, even if it means paying off the trip for a while, or accepting help from a relative.

Wow. That is a tough situation. I can tell you though, there is no way that I would let my daughter leave the country without me. So I don't blame your husband at all. You are lucky he is a father that cares that much. Regardless of who takes your daughter, things can happen-- medical needs, crime, food safety, viruses-- lots of things that may not be safe in another country. Is it not possible to use the $ to have your grandparents fly to the US?
Good luck.

I have to agree with your husband. I think That is too far for a baby to be away from her parents. Can Your grandparents come to visit you? Its two plane tickets if you and your mom go or if they come to see you.

I think that you need to understand your husband's feelings. She is HIS child and YOURS - not your moms. Even though you feel confident in your mom taking her - I understand his reservations. You are a team with your husband. You need to agree. I think one of you needs to go with your mom. Let your dad pay for the ticket and if your grandmother really means that much to you and you want her to meet your child, you will take the time off of work. You will make it work somehow. Family is more important - but you can't neglect your husband's concerns. She is HIS child too.

Hi A.,

I agree with Toni's post (further down) and I'm concerned for the health of your marriage if you continue to side with your mom against your husband's wishes. I am not being accusatory, but the fact is that this is the situation at present and I get the sense that your husband would certainly see it that way. This kind of situation tends to cause rifts in intimacy and trust, and also can cause ill feelings between the in-laws and the spouse, with the person in your position feeling stuck in the middle. Not good for anyone! When you married him, he (and now your daughter) became your closest family and should be the highest priority.

All that being said, your husband's concerns are valid and not unreasonable...it's not good for a child as young as your daughter to be separated from one or both parents for extended periods of time, no matter how wonderful and loving the caregiver would be. Sometimes that kind of separation sadly becomes necessary, i.e. military service, but it has its price - that's just one more reason to be thankful for the men and women who serve our country in the armed forces. Another valid concern that can't be denied is the reality that traveling to another country, no matter which country, does carry certain risks especially these days. It's not like driving to the next town or even the next state.

All that being said, your desire to have your beloved grandparents meet your daughter makes sense too. Wanting to maintain ties with those we love is a deep human need. There have been some good solutions presented here already, especially since your dad is willing to pay for a ticket - that's a great blessing! The best solution all around seems obvious - it would be best for your family and marriage for your grandparents to come here, with your dad paying for a ticket as he has so generously offered, and whomever was going to pay for your mom's and daughter's tickets paying for the other ticket. It would bring everyone together (your husband then could also get to know your grandparents and vice versa) and would work to preserve family and most importantly marital unity.

It's not important that your daughter see the COUNTRY where your grandparents live - she is too young and won't remember any of this. What's important is that they get to meet her, which they will remember, and she can be told about it later, shown photos, etc. I can't imagine that if someone is paying their way they would refuse a trip to the USA to see their daughter, granddaughter and husband, and great-granddaughter. This way everyone is being respected and the desired objective can be fulfilled - your grandparents will meet your daughter. There won't be any other issues to worry about either, like your work etc.

This seems like a no-brainer, a win-win situation - don't you think so? Unless it's more about "control" issues on someone's part, which I hope is not the case, this is an an ideal answer which will give everyone what they want and will keep your baby daughter where she most belongs - home with her parents - while allowing her to bask in the love of grandparents and great-grandparents.

I hope you will resolve this ASAP and remove this unnecessary stress from yourself and your family life! Relax, enjoy your husband and daughter, and start planning for company! :)

Blessings to you and your loved ones,

S. M.

If the great grandparents are healthy enough to travel I'd say use the money from your moms ticket and dads offer for your ticket and fly both great grandparents to visit. They can see everyone this way, Have that 4 generation photo taken, and you won't have to take time off work and risk your job. Dad would feel sooo much better. I'd be concerend about a grama taking a small child out of the country and then dealing with issues with immigration trying to get out of that country and back in the US. Her age and different last names might look suspitious and cause some problems. If the great grandparents can't travel, and you can afford to be gone from work several days then I think it's best if you go with your M. and if your husband can go then all the better. I would never dream of taking my grand child out of the country without one of her parents. It's just not a wise idea. Would you feel ok if your husband wanted to take your baby out of the country without you? Or what if his M. wanted to take her? Many children grow up fine without seeing extended family who live far away. Sure we all wish we could see them but sometimes it just isn't possible.It's much more important that your child stay safe and in your care and that you respect your husband's feelings and concerns.

i have to agree -I would never let my 10 mo fly w/o me going along - If your grandparents cannot come over here - then you need to take your dad up on his offer and travel along with your mother as you probably need to see them too? Hubby is right! Too far away for a baby w/o her parents.

I hate to say it, but I wouldn't let child go to Central America period no matter who else was going.

Hello A. M: You don't say if your husband is also from Centeral Ameriaca or from here. I understand having lived ovrseas, and having many friends and family from out of the United States of America, that this is highly charged and emtional issue. Centeral America, may just be to far for your husband to trust his child to go just incase something unforseen happens. Your child and you are your husbands major priority and responsibility not your mother's needs or feelings.
You are very fortunate to have your mother here. Please reconsider and go on the trip of the lifetime and get a lot of photos to treasure as you may not get to ever go back again. May God Bless you all as you make this decision, Nana G

So I an from central America and had a very similar situation happen with me and my husband. We have two kids ages one and three. My great aunt whom I have visited in Nicaragua every summer since I was seven was very I'll at one point. She did get better but we didn't know how long that would last... My mom planned a trip to go see her and said shed pay for our tickets to go. My husband was not able to take off work so he was not able to come with us.... He was not ok with the kids going with just myself and my mom. However I put up such a fight! I wanted my extended family to meet my kids! Just because the country is poorer dosent mean we need to be afraid! It's ridiculous... That's my country with the rest of my family. I had traveled there noumerous times and my family did not live some where to be afraid of! The point is I convinced him it would be ok. The trip was fantastic! My daughter to this day still talks of her Nicaragua family... The other day she said " mommy take me to the beach in Nicaragua" so cute! Anyways u will regret not going so I suggest you slap make the trip. You never know what can happen with your grandparents and you will kick yourself later if something does. Most of all give that gift to your child... The gift of visiting their native land. Good luck and best wishes :)

Side with your hubby, out of respect for him as a husband and father. GO with them, and have fun!! But I would heed all the health warnings- just research any issues and talk with your ped. Good luck!

I totally understand where your husband is coming from and I agree with him. While I understand that you trust your mom, I still wouldn't want to send my 10 month old without me. If your father has offered to pay for you ticket, I would go if it's really that important for you to bring her to see your grandmother. I would talk to your boss and let them know what the situation is and I don't see why they won't let you take vacation time.

MAKE it work so you can take your daughter! You will not regret missing "work and other things" but will regret not experiencing your daughter meeting her great grand mother...and your husband will be secure and comfortable to boot.

Make like NIKE and just do it.

GL

I think you have to find a way to go on the trip also.

Your daughter doesn't fly anywhere without at least one of her parents.

Let dad buy you a ticket, and you travel with your mother and daughter to visit with your maternal grandparents. Maybe your husband comes along as well.

If dad has the cash to fund your trip, go. Your grandmother is not like London, she won't always be there.

And I'm surprised at how many of you suggest the grandparents fly here. I don't know what age group you're thinking of but there's no way my grandmother could travel to visit me without potentially returning in a box.

Hi A.,
I had a similar experience with my husband. For me it was traveling to Mexico with our daughter. He was okay with it as long as I went. I would definitely try to work out your work situation in order to take your daughter to see your grandparents, especially if your dad will pay for the ticket. Your husband is not being unreasonable in not wanting your baby daughter out of the country without her parents. You are lucky to have your grandparents and I see the importance in wanting your daughter to meet them. So definitely consider doing everything possible to go with her and your mom to visit. Good luck!

Why don"t you all pitch in together and bring the grandparents here. I understand your husbands concerns, it isn't your mom, it is everyone else that is a threat. I wouldn't do it, but they could come here.
Stac

Dear A.,
I could really hear from your post that you are feeling very much in the middle between your mother and your husband. That's never an easy position to be in and hopefully they can learn to communicate their feelings with each other instead of relating everything through you. Your daughter is very young and there will be likely many things throughout the years that they don't really see eye-to-eye on. They don't need to get into arguments, but learn to have conversations with each other about things....agreeing to disagree, if nothing else.
My grandmother is only in Tennessee and she never got to see my son, which breaks my heart to this day. But, she had lots of pictures and I have tons of pictures and stories to tell my son, so in a way, he feels that he "knows" her. My grandmother had literally travelled the world, but as she got older, she was just too frail to fly anymore. If your grandparents are elderly, not to mention the possible language barrier, I don't know that the idea of them coming to you is realistic.
If your father can pay for your flight so you can accompany your mother and baby on the trip, I say that would be the best way to go. I know scheduling time off from work, etc, is not the easiest thing to do, but talk to your employer about it in advance so you have time to get your passports, any shots, etc. See if that will be a workable solution so that you can see your grandparents as well.
My grandmother didn't have a computer and passed away before the invention of web-cams, but my uncle bought her a VCR and I sent her video recordings of me and the children, our house....she really enjoyed them.
I hope you will figure something out that will make you all happy and I'm sure if you can go on the trip, you'll be glad you did. Your baby might not remember it, but you can have lots of pictures and stories to tell when she's older.
Very best of wishes and let us know how it works out.

I wouldn't let my child leave the country without me. I don't care who she was with.

I think you should make it work so that you can travel too. Your daughter is your husbands as well and deserves to have his wishes respected.

I agree with your husband. I wouldn't send my daughter of any minor age out of the country without going myself. I'm not sure which country you will be going to, but that would be a consideration also. If at all possible, I would try to get the grandparents to come to you. If that's not possible, I'm agreeing with the other postings--make it a family trip.

I am with your hubby on this one. Sorry. I would never let my son travel with anyone on a plane or a car or whatever without me at this age. I am sure your mom takes great care of her (my parents are taking great care of our son too) but I know how your husband feels. It is just not fair to expect him to agree to this. How would you feel if his parents wanted to take the baby to Australia or somewhere far. My advice is wait another year and you and everyone else can go together.

I am with Kimmie on this one.

Hi,
Your mother may have problems getting your daughter in and out of the country. She'll absolutely need a copy of her birth certificate on her. Check with the state department.
Your Grandparents aren't getting any younger. YOU and your mother and daughter should absolutely go. Work will still be there when you get back. People miss so much of their lives because "Oh I could never take the time off work." You will never remeber what you did at work the week you could have been in Central America but you will always remeber the time you took your daughter to see her family.

You should go too. This might be your last chance to see your grandparents and your only chance to see them with your daughter. You don't want to miss it because of a few bucks. Plus, it will make your husband feel better to have you with your daughter. He is right to be worried about her being so far away from her parents. It is one thing to be home with grandma during the day and entirely different to be without parents in a foreign land. Don't worry about taking a 10mt old to Central America, though. We took our son to Costa Rica when he was 10mts old and he loved it. We had a wonderful trip. Nursed a lot on the plane and he was fine.

I love my mother, but I wouldn't let her take my child out of the country.

Go with her. See your grandparents. Make it a family vacation. Bring hubby along.

I would not let my child go to a different country without me eing there. If something happened,..... (I don't know what would happen, but I am always worried about that.)

Stephanie

Hi A.,
It sounds like a very complicated issue, but as a marriage therapist, I have to recommend you back your husband. You and he should be a team as much as possible, and right now your mom is getting in the way. If you pick your mom over your husband in this, it will be a big blow to your relationship. If you pick your husband over your mom, your marriage will be stronger for it.

I served a religious mission in Brazil 7 years ago and have many beloved friends there. I would LOVE to take my three tiny children there to meet these wonderful people, but at ages 4,3, and 20 months I am concerned for the health conditions and food they would be around. I had to get vaccinated for yellow fever and they are too small for this shot, among lots of other shots that they either cannot have or I am not willing to overload their systems to if i don't have to. Also, some of the places I most love are the most rural and least hygenic for children, and the food and water conditions are vastly different as far as safety. Also, with swine flu and other contagious and harmful diseases going around, I just cannot feel good about taking them (even though I LOVE Brazil and her people and my friends so MUCH). At 10 months old, your daughter would be even more suseptable to catching something, and of course your mother would take very good care of her, but your mother cannot shield her from the flu or other sickness. Honestly, I say no. The best you can do is send lots of pictures and if they get a dvd player or computer send videos of her. Not to be rude, but just thinking of the safety of your beautiful baby daughter!

My daughter recently went on vacation with a friend and her family outside the country. There is a serious problem with child kidnapping and the people leaving the country, so any time a child is traveling without BOTH parents they really scrutinize the paperwork (She needed her passport, birth certificate and a notarized letter from my husband and myself stating who she was with, where she was going including where she would be staying, purpose of the trip, exact dates she was traveling and how to contact us in case they had questions. She was also questioned separately by the border patrol. They kept the letter in case they needed to contact us later.)

I'd suggest YOU go with your Mom to visit the grandparents. Or better yet, the whole family go and have a nice visit / vacation.

I understand the folks suggesting your grandparents come visit you, and I'd much rather people come to us -- it's cheaper to pay for 2 tickets a visit than 4! But older people really have a hard time navigating airports, let alone customs, immigration etc, especially if it's not a regular thing for them. My father-in-law is only 67 and traveled to Europe regularly during his early years (he's an immigrant). He can't deal with the increased security since 9/11, the long terminal walks, etc anymore. We need to go see him now.

Don't forget, passports can take a couple of months to get. And both you and your husband need to go together to apply for your daughter's. He cannot sign the form saying you have permission any longer.

If your dad will pay for your plane ticket, why doesn't he just pay for a plane ticket for one of the grandparents and your mom pay for the other. Bring them here. This way they can spend the time with everyone!

I used to take my first grandchild from 9 months on everywhere but I there is no way his mom (my daughter) would have gone along with a plane trip. I have to side with your husband on that.

Hi there,

I would not let my daughter travel alone to a foreign country only with her grandmother. That is a tremendous responsibility for her to have, in addition, I would not feel comfortable letting my daughter at of my sight at such a young age! If this is so important to you, I would take up your dad's offer for the airplane ticket, and ask for some time off at work. Remember to respect your husband's wishes because you would expect the same from him. Your relationship with your husband should ALWAYS come first. Many divorces are caused later in life when the kids are grown because many moms put their children first for everything and neglect their husbands. When the kids one day leave, the parents no longer have anything in common because they did not nourish their marriage and end up splitting up. So always put hubby first. Your mother should stay out of whatever decision you and your husband make. She can definitely cause problems in your marriage. If you absolutely cannot travel with the baby, I would not let her go with grandmother, but I would make a dvd of your daughter and with your family too, and send it to your grandparents. They would really enjoy this. Also in this package I would include many photos. DVD is the next best thing to being there so make the DVD enjoyable. I wish you the very best!

Hi A.,
I feel for you; but I also feel that --from what you've written-- this is causing issues b/t you & your mom, and you & your husband. Anytime anything from some other family member starts causing an issue with you and your husband be careful. You, your husband, and your baby come first. I know that your mom means a lot and does a lot for you; but don't let this cause issues in your marriage. It's not worth it. Your husband is right, and you shouldn't have your baby (still a baby) go anywhere on a plane without you two. Your husbands concerns come first over your mom. If this means so much to you for her to meet your grandparents then it is simple.. go with her. I wouldn't ever let my son go to another country without one of us. Something could happen and you'd never forgive yourself. (and don't forget about the horrible flu going around..... ).

Hi A.,
You did'nt mention how your husband feels about you going without him. If he is okay with you going with the baby then thats what I would recommend. However, you need to "stand by your man" so to speak. If you don't your relationship will never be the same. My personal opinion is (my daughter is almost 2) and I would not let her go to a different country without both my husband and I, let alone when she was just 10 months, Please for your relationship, make sure you both agree 100% with your spouse, it does not make a difference what your mom feels, you and your husband are the parents.
Best wishes.
M.

ask your husband how he would feel if your grandmother died and never got to meet your daughter because of his overprotection. maybe that will sink in for him. buena suerte!

If you are not going I would keep your baby at home. Your daughter will not remember this trip. If pics are not good enough for your grandparents. Video tape some of the things she does on a daily basis and send it with your mom.

A.,

Start by admitting that you married a man that does not share your ethnic values and you perhaps did not discuss what might happen when children became a part of the picture.

How old are your grandparents? Unless they are in ill health or unable to obtain a passports, it would be better if they came to you for a visit.

If they are in ill health, I to would be reluctant to have my child visit in an unhealthy atmosphere and a country that does not have the same health standards as in the US.

I’m sure your mother takes excellent care of you daughter---most of us have the “BEST MOM IN THE WORLD” (Happy Mother’s Day All You MOMs!), but I share your husbands worries about sending his only child away.

Stop butting heads….you married your husband (remember that “forsaking all others part”), which should really ring true to your family values and your mother should be supportive (unless your husband is not a great guy—which doesn’t seem like the problem).

Your dad said he would buy some tickets, let him buy the tickets for the GRANDS….If they can’t travel, maybe you could arrange a video conference (live visit) on line between all of you.

Blessings…..

I feel you need to respect your husband's opinion. Many, many children never meet their great grandparents and they do not suffer. At 10 months, your daughter would not remember the visit. The visit is more for your Mom than for your daughter. It is your Mom who wants to show off her granddaughter (which is understandable). Fly the great grandparents here. Support your husband in this matter and send lots of pictures to the great grandparents.

I think you should take the trip with your daughter. It would be good also for you to see your grandparents. If your dad is offer to pay for the plan ticket then take him up on it or find away to pay for it.

I think you might regret not making the trip.

I can help you earn extra money - check out my website www.partylite.biz/kimdrago let me know.

Best wishes.
K.

Hi!

My mother is from Central America too...and she watches our children (a 3yr old and 5 month old). It sounds like you have a lot of confiedence in your mother as I do with my mother. I would have no problems with my mother taking my 5 month old to visit home; however, the only issue I would have is immunization when visiting developing countries...but that can be resolved.

But that's me...You didn't elaborate what your husband's concerns are...but there real and you should, along with your mother, address them seriously and respectfully.

Good Luck!

S.

Hmm, on this one, I think you need to listen to your hubby. Imagine if you were in his shoes. I don't think he's being unreasonable; 10 months is really young to be away from you both. I say let your dad buy your ticket and go with them. It's not worth the strain on your marriage.

You should try to find out why your husband is so uncomfortable with the idea of your daughter traveling with your mother. Ask him about it, and see if you can discover exactly what his fears are. And let him know how much YOU want your grandparents to meet her.

If he would be more comfortable with you taking her to see your grandparents, let your dad pay for your ticket. It would be wonderful for your grandparents to be able to see their little great-granddaughter before they go. If your husband is still uncomfortable, let your mother and your husband discuss it, but not through you. They need to be up front with each other about how they feel in a conflict like this.

Good luck with this. It's a tough one.

I would make it work and go. You will not regret it. I am sure your grandmother would be just as happy to see you too.