Help!! - Pleasant Plains,AR

T., I can't help but think about what Oprah has been suggesting for the past couple of years. Celebrate your loved ones before they leave you. Throw your aunt the biggest celebration possible, even in her ailing state, I'm certain that she would enjoy being around the ones that she love in a celebration. If you know the end is near, why not allow others to celebrate her and love her when she's here. That way your 4 year old will remember her with lots of joy as oppose to lots of the pain that she must be enduring now. Allow your 4 year old to be a part of the planning as possible and allow her to be a part of the celebration as possible. Get a video done of your aunt. Do it in her favorite colors. Have lots of candles burning all around. Have her favorite food. Have all her friends around. Celebrate her when she's here as oppose to mourning her when she's gone.

My father passed away when my youngest was 4. The only advice i can really give you is to be totally honest with your daughter. She will grieve just like an adult does. My daughter still grieves for my father. Open communication is the best advice i can give. My daughter was mad at first and thought my dad wanted to leave us. I explained that that was far from the truth. I told her god had a time for everyone to die and that that was his time to die. I told her one day she would see him again. Another thing i did was put up a memorial page for him on findagrave.com where she can go and leave flowers for him and notes. It helps her when she wants to say hi or leave him flowers for his birthday and such. Hope this helps. Take Care. A.

well, my husband died about a month b4 our daugter turned 2 years old. she is 11 years old now. we have our moments. but we 2 have God in our lives very strongly. we pray and we read our bibles every day. and we know we will c him again 1 day. i told her that daddy was needed in heaven. all we can do as parents is just b there 4 when our babies need comfort, reassurance and lots of love. and when they need answers - pray b4 u give it and let God guide your words.

I agree, just be as gentle as possible but also as honest as possible when you tell her what is going on. Of course she doesn't need all of the details, just the basics like how her great-aunt is sick and that God will make her better, when she passes you can tell her that she has gone to live with God and Jesus now, and what a wonderful place that Heaven is. And that it's OK to miss the ones we love but that we will all be together one day.

My 3yo daughter stayed with my inlaws for a few days while we were on a trip, and after we returned my daughter told me that my MIL said that her mother (who passed several years ago) had died and gone to heaven, and that she didn't have a mother anymore.... (Why the h*** you would tell this to a toddler - esp. one whose parents are gone for a while - is beyond me!!) I think that was a bit much and I haven't said anything to my MIL (I will talk about it when the right time comes) but I did tell my daughter that NO, we always have our mamas and daddies, NO MATTER WHAT.

So whatever you tell her, also try and make a point that "families are forever", because death does seem so final sometimes (even when we are driven by faith!), and that can be so scary to little ones.

This is a natural part of life. Allowing your daughter to experience this with love will help her grow and accept that your Aunt had a beautiful and rich life. That you enjoyed the time you have had with your life and now it is time for your Aunt to rest with God and while there is pain in your heart and longing to see her and touch know.. just knowing that she will be at peace and no longer in pain will slowly give some comfort to everyone here in her passing.

Sharing your love and your pain will help your daughter lead a normal and healthy life. Do not shut her out.

Hugs,
A. C.

T.~
First of all, let me tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this. My father is very ill and has been for some time. I have been researching ways to help my oldest daughter, who is 6, deal with his passing when it happens. I, too, am a religious person and find comfort in that. I found some children's books that deal with death that might be helpful. You could read them to your daughter when the time comes. Thumpy's Story by Thumpy the Bunny; Where's Heaven by Maria Shriver; and The Next Place by Warren Hanson.

Hope this helps!

It's not easy helping a child deal with death and the greiving process. Mostly because they just don't understand what is going on. Just be honest with your daughter about the death. Try not to tell her that her aunt is "just sleeping". And know that it usually takes them much longer to get through the process than an adult. They may still ask questions about it even years later when they are starting to understand it even more.

I am assuming that being a religious person, your daughter knows all about God and Jesus. We explained to my daughter that Heaven is a place that we go when we die if we believe in God. And that there is no hurting in Heaven and everyone gets to take walks with Jesus and eat dinner with him. When my grandfather died, we explained to my daughter that Paw was very sick and hurting a lot. And that God brought him to Heaven so he wouldn't hurt anymore. I told her that yes, we would miss him, but now he gets to WALK and EAT with Jesus. (My grandfather was confined to a wheelchair and refused to eat right before he passed.) We also told her that God really needed him for something special and we would see him again when it was our turn to go to Heaven.
My daughter is now 6 and it has been 4 years since he passed, but we are still dealing with the greiving process. There are many books and articles online, and I also asked my pastor for advice. Just have lots of patience. Answer any questions honestly, but be reassuring.

Good luck! Your family is in my prayers!

Hi T., My name is S.. We lost my husbands Grandpa not too long ago. I was concerned how all my kids would take it especially since we WERE (and did) going to take them to the funeral. But when I told them that Great Grandpa was dancing with the angels now. My four year old said,"So he died?" I kinda chuckled and said," Yes, sweetie he did."
So try to explain it to them easily and that someday we will see them again!! Kids surprise you sometimes!
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

T.,

I am sorry to hear that your family will have to deal with this kind of loss. It is good that you are religious; it will be a great asset to you and a blessing to your daughter as you try to explain and to cope.

I agree with what has been said previously. Let me add that children are remarkably resilient and if you are strong and give them perspective, they generally cope well. Our good friends recently buried their 9 month old baby who spent his entire life in the hospital. It was my daughter's best friend whose baby brother died and I was worried how my children (age 5,3,1) would handle it, especially the viewing and funeral.

My children dealt with it so well. We did a lot of preparation and discussion with them. They were sad of course, but the experience united our family and strengthened our faith. I am expecting baby #4 in May and my children did express concern about the same thing happening to our baby or something happening to me. I reassured them that premature death is rare - most people live to be old - and they accepted that and are looking forward to their new baby sister's arrival.

Have faith in your daughter that she can understand that this is not only a part of life; it is an essential part of God's plan to return to Him. Answer her questions simply and directly and try to predict what might come up. (Questions about caskets, burials, viewings, crying at the funeral, longevity of death, etc. are likely to come up.)

Best wishes,
S.