I Need Help with Addressing a Relatives Passing with 4 Yr Old

Children under the age of 5 can't understand death. They believe the person is sleeping and there's nothing wrong with this. You have to meet the child where he or she is. I personally think it is your boyfriends responsiblity to explain to his son about his grandmother passing. You can give your boyfriend advice on what to say, but I would leave it at that. It's simply not your place to say anything. If your boyfriend wants you to talk with him then you can word things by telling the little boy that this is what YOU believe is happening. This may be a good time for your boyfriend to do some reflecting. You can't carry faith for your boyfriend. He has to find it himself and believe it himself.

he can explain it very simply - His Grandma is going to visit the same man that put us here! :-)

K., I would think about taking the child to the visitation, but not necessarily the funeral, that is a long time to sit for a child. My son was only 18 months when my dad passed, and my niece and nephew were 3, they really didn't get it other than grampy was sick and is now with GOD, as you stated. And I know one of the funeral homes here in Omaha has brochures called care notes- which explain how to talk about death to a child. I would be curious to see how your boyfriend explains death to his son, heaven, reincarnation, what exactly happens after death- I know there are people who are unsure, but when they think about it-they have an idea or belief they hold inside.

We too are having to deal with the same issue. We are religious although with both of our children being smaller we have not been to church with them more than a handful of times. My grandfather is passing away in the hospital and my 3 year old son is very close to him and will ask about him out of the blue. What I did was explained (as it sounds you guys have) that he is really sick and that we may not be able to see him any more. He is going to live with God and that didn't seem to click with my son. So the other thing I told him was that Great Grandpa is going to be in the stars and that in the summer when we go outside to look at the stars we can talk to him and he will hear us but we will not see him. Of course with this be prepared for funny comments (to us but logical to them). My son asked how grandpa was getting up there, he asked about grandpa driving his car or climbing a ladder, and I told him that when you die it is a snap of a finger and you are in the stars.

Good luck, I will be keeping an eye on other responses you get because this is a hard one for me too.

Hi K., well I'm a mother of a 4 year old and 2 year old and unfortunately have been through too many deaths in the family with them. First let me say explaining to a 2 year old is much harder to do!! But, however, I am also religious so in a sense it gives my kids almost a sense of relief knowing that their loved one is 'with' someone else now (God). But my only advice is to sit down with your boyfriend and ask him how he wants you to talk about it with his son. If it turns out he doesn't want religion brought up at all then there's really no great magical way to present it other than what it is. Everybody gets old and sometimes people get sick and their bodies can't get through being sick and they die. If it makes it any easier refer to a car. I know that sounded really bad, but cars brand new, work really well and you have to take care of them. But sometimes there's wear and tear and sometimes things just can't be fixed so the car dies. I wish you good luck because I know from a lot of experience it's not easy. What ever you do, don't be afraid to cry in front of kids and make sure they know it's ok to cry if they want too. Even if they really don't know why they're crying. This is the opportunity to teach this child how to cope with the bad parts of life. Make sure your boyfriend understands how important this situation really is to his son.

K., I was in a similar situation when my dad passed and then my boyfriend's dad did 2 years later. My son was 3 when my dad died and I explained papa went to heaven and is watchin over us. My BF doesn't believe the same things I do and when his dad passed away he explained that now he's no longer hurting and is at peace.
Kids that age do ask tons of questions and they don't necessarily feel the grief immediately because they can't comprehend forever until it's been long enough for them to realize this person isn't coming back.
Talk to your boyfriend about what he wants to tell his son so you can decide if he's ok if you share your beliefs with him -- then if you do share yours, make sure you tell him that not everyone believes the same things and it's ok to choose how you feel and what you believe in.
Hope this helps!!

'

I've explained death to my toddler by saying that our cat's spirit left his body. His body didn't work anymore, and the doctor couldn't fix what was wrong with his body, so his spirit let it go. In our case, we still talk about Boo, and if she sees/feels him around, that's cool by me.

Your BF's issues with religion or not are his own issues. If this situation makes him stressed/feel "on the spot" about his uncertainties, then in the best light, this death is an opportunity for him to do some deep thinking/searching to arrive at some explanations for spirit and death that feel true to him/in line with his values.

And, if he doesn't know "the answers" to his son's queries, that's totally okay. Be honest and say, "I don't know." People have lots of ideas about death, spirit and religion -- his son will likely be exposed to several viewpoints, and that's okay. Life is big enough for lots of knowing and not-knowing. :)

I'm sorry for you loss, and wish you patience, strength, and calm support for yourself and your BF!

Death can be confusing to a yound child if it's not explained correctly. I remember being quite young when a family member died--I was told that Aunt Sal went to heaven. However this made no sense to me, as I watched Aunt Sal being buried in the ground. Is heaven in the dirt?

Finally, another relative explained it to me. Aunt Sal's soul went to heaven, and her old body was sick and broken and that's why it had to be buried. Souls were like "magic batteries" and invisible. The soul goes to heaven and turns into an angel.

Anyway, you can choose if you want to use this schema. All I know is that people need to explain to children not only about the soul "going to heaven" but also what happens to our old, broken bodies. God created plants and animals (us) with end-dates. When the body gets old and dies, we become food for other animals or go back to the soil. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. This is the circle of life.

Watch Disney's "Brother Bear" or "The Lion King."

I think it's a lot to burden a 4 year-old with, and I'd avoid the topic until he's older. At age 6, my daughter saw her grandmother in the casket and we were very matter-of-fact and unemotional about it when we saw her noticing her grandma lying there at the wake.

When the subject comes up, or when one of my kids ask me about people dying, I explain a little bit at a time. Too much explaination at such an early age I think can be damaging to the child because that type of information about life can be a HUGE burden on a small child.

This is tough as you will have to try to step outside of familiar cultural values - those that you see as appropriate for children to live by. I hope i can help a little, but i am just offering my perspective from philisophical background, not from similar direct experience - yet.

I see how too much information could seem burdensome to a child, but he should be given something to go on so as to not seem like death is forbidden to discuss or bad to think about. try to keep it light - or ask him what he thinks. tell him that is a good question, and try to go on his own ideas about it rather than focusing on your ideas. little ones are incredibly smart! he might have a very creative and innocent explanation for it all on his own.

if not and he is desperate for information, then just try to keep it simple, reference his familiar experiences with loss of loved animals and the idea that she was ill in her old age and is no longer feeling sick because she has passed and is no longer living in her sick body. "Her time on earth has passed, that is why we call it passing away... or she had a long fulfilling life and we are celebrating the times we had with her." If he is not familiar with your religious ideals, then it shouldnt be hard for him to understand in non-religious terms. Try to avoid the 'where did she go' follow up.

so if he does ask 'where did she go?', in non-religious terms death makes sense when we accept that its OK to not know what happens to someone after they pass - we focus on our lives on earth and we celebrate loved ones when they die. some people might think that is to open ended for kids, but in this instance it should just matter to your boyfriend - ask him if he would be OK with you talking it about it as an unkown. from an agnostic viewpoint, it is not possible to really KNOW anyway, so this perspective makes sense to non-religious people - where not knowing what happens to someone after death is OK.

if it gets complicated, you can explain that different people beleive different things happen to people after they die. This might get messy if you dont talk to your boyfriend first though - if you tell his son that you beleive in heaven, then you would have to also say that others dont beleive in it (and that is OK) so that he doesnt expect his dad to beleive in heaven. hopefully it will stay simple so to not have to go that far into it.

if it gets too complicated, tell him that you arent sure the answer to his question, and ask him to wait and ask his father the next day! good luck.