Help - Minneapolis,MN

Every couple goes through periods when they don't like each other or feel disconnected. He may be talking to other women to simply get a woman's point of view. And yes, he should have spoken up sooner.
My advice is to try and talk it out. Have you both gotten so involved in being parents that you forgot to be a couple? Do you have a date night? Do you ever have weekend get aways?
If you have not been as attentive in the past few years is it because he has not been as loving and kind as he should be? If he is always tossing out remarks like 'gee you used be be so pretty and thin' or not taking his share of the household responsibilities that can really make the wife not so attentive.
Talking it out is the best way to get past this, counseling may help. A counselor can often get to the heart of the issue faster than the couple talking by themselves.

You have to be extemely hurt. Try sitting down and having a calm discussion about what is going on. I guess you will have to find out where his head is at. No matter how hurt the children would be abt the divorce it would be worse for them to live in an unhappy home with parents who feel resentful towards each other. Could be that you are both in a rut and need a little of that "spice" in your life. Try a date night routine or other favorite acitivies you used to enjoy together.

I have a few thoughts about this. Other people don't make us happy. That is something that you find within yourself. At the risk of sounding like a country song, love is something you do, not just something you feel. Being "in love" is how couples get together, not how they stay together. Love an marriage are work, and if you are willing to put in the work, you get far more back than you put in.

I agree with others, you should seek counseling, even if your husband won't go, you will benefit. Men often seek divorce, only to discover too late that child support and custody arrangements are much worse than a lukewarm marriage (that could have been heated up with some effort). I would also suggest reading the book "The Five Love Languages". You can't make your husband get happy, but you can figure out how to make him feel loved. He might just discover that he loves you a lot more than he thinks he does. People who feel loved usually don't go looking for an affair. Best of luck.

Make love. (It's not easy advice, but someone's gotta do it. Might as well be you.)

Well, first of all I am so sorry this is happening to you, it happened to me a year ago. He told me very similar things and walked out a week later, I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me.
Get to a counselor, just you for now, find someone to talk to who is unbiased to the situation. Also, don't start internet or any other form of dating just because you're afraid you're going to get left. Talk to your husband about what you're feeling but stay calm, I started journaling to try to get a handle on my fears.
If he will go, encourage him to talk to a counselor as well then when you are both ready, go together.
My ex husband is now alone, broke and leads a rather pathetic life, he is very sad and now regretful of the things he said and did.
Also I would talk to your medical doctor if you start having a hard time with controlling your emotions, look for signs of depression.
I will be thinking of you
D.

J.,

I would ask him to go to marriage counseling. It sounds like you two need to communicate with each other better, and it could save your marriage. Seek a counselor from your church or a highly recommended one in your area, you could even check with your doctor for a recommendation. Sometimes, he just needs more attention. Try dating him again - ask him out, get a sitter, and really focus on him and how he's feeling and ask who he is talking to as well - at least you might get some of the answers you are looking for. Hope this helps.

J.,

Hi there. I just want say that I'm proud of you for asking for help here. :) There are so many wonderful ladies willing to give advice on here- it's such a great source of wisdom..

:) That said, here's my advice:
The biggest red flag that went up in my mind as I was reading your post was to get him away from putting himself in that vulnerable position where he could slip into an affair. If he started talking to you about what's been bugging him, maybe that's a good thing. Maybe he does want things to change and move forward for you two. But what he has with you in a marriage is hard work, it's messy, full of compromise and not getting his own way... What he has with any other women he talks to is easy.. So many men take the easy route... I would advise to try to get him to read the book "His Needs, Her Needs." I cant remember the author, but its Harvey or Harley. (And you should read it too!) It basically talks about how to "affair proof" your marriage and it helped me and my husband a lot. (Neither of us were even close to having an affair, but It helped us to see things from the other person's perspective a lot better. It also opened up our lines of communication more. I remember reading it and thinking several times: "Thats exactly it! Thats what's been buggin me and why!" So I could take that part to my hubby and be able to talk to him about it.

As for the trust issue of what's already going on or not.. Thats so hard! But I agree with anther poster who said to pray about it. God's the only one who will help you forgive even the fear of an affair.

I'm a big fan of thinking that "Love Conquers ALL" Be the bigger person and control what _you_ do. You cannot control what he does. But if you can be the person who loves him unconditionally, treats him like the king he was when you were falling in love, and doesn't give up, then at the very least you can say you tried your best.

Good Luck, May God bless you with the peace of mind you need.

Sorry to hear what is going but just to start things out I don't know what your faith is but my husband and I having been having some issues...we have been working on them and one movie that was recommended to us was FIREPROOF. It is a Christian based film and it is very intense, it talks about things that you and yo0ur husband are going thru right now.
My husband I were able to sit down and watch it together and have a great discussion about it. Obviously it does not cure everything but it kinda gives you a stepping stone on how to approach things when talking.
Good Luck and I hope things work out whatever that may be.

I was told the same thing but as far as I know there is no action on the side. I am communicating with other men as friends on-line but it stays at that without breaking my vows or dipping into on-line sex.

Did he tell you what it was that he doesn't like?
Is he willing to work with you?
How about marriage counseling?

I know marriage counseling for us was a joke for my husband. He went along with it but after we stopped going he said he told the guy what he wanted to hear.

With my experience in dating there is not one person whom I didn't have some issue with and there was something about me they didn't like too so I don't know what he's running away from because the next lady will make him feel warm and fuzzy and it'll settle down and he won't like something about her. Maybe he needs some zest or change but it's something he should seek out with you. There will always be something about someone that will bother someone. It's loving someone enough to let it go and let the person live their life without controlling someone else.

If it's your attitude or complaining a lot and moodiness like I've run into with my own self I'd suggest checking out Prozac or Zoloft from your doctor.

I was on an on-line dating service seeking out friends to chat with and sometimes it helps to just chat with others about issues but it won't resolve anything unless you address the person you have an issue with.

Seems like you two need to talk before he steps over a line.

I am sorry that you are going through this. It is hard when people think that there should always be that "in love" feeling and are so disappointed when it isn't there. Best thing to do is get some counciling so you both can work through the hurt and the pain. He can also learn that involving other women isn't going to help your marriage at all.

I think communication is key to a marriage first of all. Your husband, even tho he kept it to himself for at least 3 years is telling you now that he is unhappy. You need to talk about this and if you are both willing to work this issue out and save your marriage, you might want to make a list(s) of pros and cons about each other (since he already 'started' this kind of list) and make a list of pros and cons about your own selves. Then find the common ones and discuss how they could be changed (cons) and how more of the pros can be done. It would be important to look at this as a helping exercise and not a time to put each other down.

You mentioned you know you haven't been attentive so you might want to initiate date nites - doesn't have to be costly - just needs to be time spent together without interruptions - you know, like before you were married. Pull ideas from those times. It will be 23 years in June that I have been married to my second husband and I remember when I wasn't feeling so positive toward him, etc., and I had to do just that. I had to take some time out and pray for us and to remember all the things that made me attracted to him in the first place and made me fall in love with him. It works!

The internet can be a very good thing, but at times it can be not so much. He is getting attention from (women) who of course he can only see the positive side of...maybe he is talking to them about your situation and maybe asking advice and someone told him to tell you he is unhappy. I'd take that as my cue to talk about all of this.

You both sound like intelligent people and he must realize that the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side. And you are smart enough to seek advice about this as you have done becos you know it's important to keep your marriage intact and happy.

I read thru some of the other responses and I agree that the book "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate" by Gary Chapman is a great read and very intuitive help for couples. Good luck in whatever you do!

Wow, I am so sorry for you. I will pray for your situation. I do think you need to talk to him more about this. Ask him "you say you don't love me, but what do you want to do about it?" Relationships do go through a comfortable turn, where things aren't exciting anymore and people start to get on each other's nerves. Some people misread this change and think that the love is gone, or that something is wrong. This is especially bad when that person then goes looking elsewhere for that "falling in love" feeling. He is out of line talking to other women about his problems when he is still married to you. I think you should sit him down and let him know that you still love him, and suggest that the two of you see a marraige counselor together. Let him know how much you care about keeping your marraige and family together. Hopefully he will at least be willing to give it a try. Ask him to not discuss this with outsiders. Many women who don't care about cheating and such will lend a willing ear and act all sympathetic and end up getting what they want from the guy, if you know what I mean. Let him know you are willing to do some changing, if he will meet you half way. I think the counselor is definately a must though. God bless you!

Hi J., I am sorry to hear about what's going on in your marriage, how does one deal with that? I guess alls I can say is get a good support system going for you and your kids, ask a therapist or your doctor on how to explain what's happening to your children so they don't get as blind-sided like you were.
It was very selfish of your husband to throw this out at you like he did, if this is how he truly felt 3 yrs ago, then he should have acted like an adult and seeked out help with you two in therapy!! I wish you and your children all the best. Gina

I would start by telling him everything you just posted. He needs to hear all that. I would also tell him that you are glad that he talked to you about how he felt, and that he was honest.

I would talk to a counselor. If he won't go, then go by yourself.

If you talk to people who have been married for 30, 40, 50+ years, most are bound to tell you that there were periods where they didn't love their spouse, they entertained the thought of divorce, and so on. Hang in there.

Hi J.,
I'm so sorry this is happening, and it must be very sad for you right now, as well as frustrating and confusing. Have you two considered counseling? I would suggest getting counseling for yourself, either way, so that you can work through all of this and how you want to respond in the most healthy way. If he is unwilling to see a counselor, he may see you making changes and it's a domino effect- he may make some more positive changes himself as well. Also, he may at some time be willing to attend a session of yours with you, or start up marital counseling down the road. This is what I would suggest. You definitely deserve support and you already know you cannot do this on your own. My best wishes and support to you! Let me know if you ever want to talk....
K.

J.,

First of all hang in there...if he came to you he definitely wants to talk about it. Second, I have a slightly different perspective...at least your husband respected you enough to tell you how he feels (even if it is after a couple years). My ex-husband just went out and had an affair for 3 years...and then was caught so he was forced to tell me. I agree with the other posts - to seek counseling or some way to open the lines of communication with him. Third, no matter what happens believe that everything will be okay - everything happens for a reason. Your husband telling you could be the best thing that ever happens to you...great things can come from this (even if they are the things you may not think you want right now). For example, I divorced my first husband due to the affair and now am re-married and we just had our first child together. Its funny how things work out for the best...so like I said hang in there and definitely seek counseling or at the very least sit down with your husband and talk everything out...

Go to counseling, talk to a pastor, I would exhaust EVER resource to get my marriage back on track. Also try to remember why you two fell in love, what you really like about each other, go on dates and so on... I really think a third party to mediate will help if either of you will feel defensive about talking about how you felt when you first meet to how you feel now along with also the little things that seem to creating issues.

Have you read the book, "Fireproof"? I just read it and have found it very good. Maybe you could try the "Love Dare" on your husband? Fireproof is also a movie, so perhaps you could rent it and watch that. It might prove helpful.

Another thing to try is to be physically intimate with your husband...often. Perhaps set a schedule for this. And maybe you will need to "fake it until you make it"...but it may get things started.

im so sorry for your situation.

im thinking that the only solution is prayer. pray for guidance, pray for strength. see if you can take a weekend without the kids - even if you just stay home, and try to reconnect. try to talk about the things that made you fall in love to begin with. ask him to trust you - to talk to you about things - not other people. i dont know if it will help to tell him this or not, but by him talking to anyone else about your marriage is a violation of your marriage. tell him that you want to work things out and ask him if he wants the same. figure out what he wants.

then pretty much find a counselor. there will have to be sessions where you are together, and sessions where you are apart. deal with the issues. divorce NEVER is an answer - it doesnt solve anything - you will just be forced to move on without resolving any issues that caused the distance to begin with. remember to do the little things you know? i have heard about marriages that were on VERY thin ice come back from the brink but just ONE of the 2 people in the marriage starting with the basics. the little kisses, the smiles, the massages, making dinner, doing the chores without asking for help, no nagging - even if he doesnt deserve it, even if you dont feel like it - try to do these things anyway. even if you dont feel like having sex with him, if he shows interest - DO IT! :D

one thing that you have to remember is that you sound like you are already in the position of competing for your own husband. this is your time to become the woman that you used to be - a woman who desires her husband. a woman willing to FIGHT for him. you dont have to say anything to the other women, that might furthur distance your husband from you - but certainly fight to keep your man. do the things that make you more attractive than the other women. be the one who sympathizes with him - be a wife who cares deeply for her husband.

i know of a few books that might help you. one is "created to be his help meet" another is "the power of a praying wife" and if your husband is willing there is also "the power of a praying husband"

these books might give you the guidance and information that you need. another one i can think of is "the proper care and feeding of husbands" which is easy to read and offers a no nonesense approach to relationships, and i think thats where i remember reading about you need to fight for your man - treat this as if you were dating your husband - and you have to compete for his attention and time. when things get "comfortable" it also means boring - and your husband has already had conversation with other women - they are probably infatuated with him and thinking "poooooor guuuuuy" and sympathizing and stuff... and that makes him feel good.
its within your rights to compete!!!

I have been in your husband's shoes a few times in the past - same husband though for me and for 39 years! Something that has always helped me when feeling that I do not love my husband anymore is to think back to why I fell in love with him in the first place. Over the years we can grow to that comfortable stage and I think that is where we are now but you are still young into the marriage. Take some time for just the two of you and talk about what it was that brought the two of you together. I have even gone so far as(when my husband has been feeling down) to have him write down all things that he does not like or is not happy about on small pieces of paper. Then he pulls out one statement at a time and you both discuss it together. Sometimes we can get discouraged or depressed about things and may not talk about them freely. They bottle up inside and come out in the form of dislike or even hatred of the other person. Sometimes we just have to bring it back to the roots of the relationship before one steps outside it and makes an unforgetable decision.
Mom of 8

Hi J.

You and your husband need to sit down and talk and let each other know how you are feeling about each other and your marriage .
I think allot of couples fall in to the comfort zone and one or both fall out or love with their mate .
Every relationship needs attention . I know having kids and pets and a house and husband and if you work is allot to keep every one happy . And your self also .
I know it is hard to not fall in to the thought the kids come first before any one or thing .
My husband and I let each other know when we are neglecting each other and we make extra time for each other .
We have two kids a girl who is 10 and a son who is 9 and two cats and fish who just had babies .
And I have a part time job . My husband has a very stressful job .
Enough about me you need to talk to each other and work things out either you stay together or not .
Good luck

My sister's fiance told her the same thing, he was already cheating on her with the roommate's girlfriend. I think, if he's airing your relationship to another woman that's cheating in itself. Ask if he's interested in salvaging through counseling, ask bluntly about cheating and decide what you can live with.

Read the book "Created to be His Helpmeet" by Debi Pearl. I don't know what all to say to recommend it. I just hope you will read it. What could it hurt, right? I will even send it to you if you send me your address. I truly believe it has saved many marriages.

I just read everyone else's response and realized mine seemed so cold. My heart really does break for you--I am praying for you right now. I also want to say that I have almost every other book/movie recommended to you in these responses and would send to you in a heartbeat anything I have that you would like to read or watch. Just let me know.