Help!!! - Evans Mills,NY

I'm new to this, so I have to ask a question..Is this guy her biological father? If he is a new stepfather I could almost understand his reluctance to accept another family member in the house, disrupting his time with his new wife/significant other. It's possible he's just jealous of the time (and money) being spent on her. If he is the biological father, shame on him. Unless you are leaving out a major behavioral problem that perhaps you as a loving mother a blind to, she sounds like a normal, friendly, happy child who contributes to the household on a regular basis. A 17yr old daughter that calls her mother into her room to share something funny that she and her girlfriend have seen is a delight indeed. I personally LOVE it when my teenage daughters run into the room to show me something funny or interesting when they have a friend over. I feel included and appreciated. If he cannot appreciate this girl,perhaps something is missing in his own relationship with her. He's only got a few years left to re-establish a friendship with this great kid, so he'd better get cracking! Maybe they have more in common than he thinks. Good luck!

It sounds like you need to work on your relationship with your husband and be a team and a partner. When he expressed a valid concern over bottled water, you totally disregarded his opinion and bought it anyway. Your husband really may believe that it is a waste of money not to mention terrible for the environment. Instead of seeing it as an attack on your daughter, maybe you should have tried to compromise- buy a reusable plastic water bottle that she can refill. If he is open to compromise and sees that you are, too, things may get better. He probably feels he has no parental control when it comes to your daughter because you are not acting as a team. I don't know about what happened in the past with your daughter but as a parent he has every right to be worried about what goes on behind a closed bedroom door and to disregard his feelings has put him on the defensive. You should sit down together as a parental unit and set clear boundaries and expectations of one another and your children. Build a happy and safe home. Good luck.

I am not clear whether your husband is her stepfather or not. And if he is how long? And how is their relationship does she get along with him? These are all things that can have an impact on the current situation. I have worked with families in the past and situations you are describing can be extremely difficult on a family. I would recommend seeking professional advice because sometimes an outside perspective can really make a difference. I am not sure whether your husband would agree to it but it is worth a try. There are numerous professionals you can see but an MFT or Social Worker would be great. If you have insurance just call your insurance company to find one in your local area. If not there are local agencies that assist individuals who don't have insurance. In my area you would contact the Department of Mental Health Services and if they don't assist families they can refer you to an agency that does.

Have you suggested that he talk to his buddies about their teen age daughters. Seems like when they hear it from their peers it makes more sense to them. Have him ask what his friends girls are doing in their rooms all night. Then he'll understand it to be a normal thing with girls. Teen age boys and teen age girls are so different. He just can't picture it.

You say that you guys are in your room watching TV anyway. Well, there you go. If a family separates and goes into their own private space after dinner then thats what the kids do too. How about trying to watch TV together, play a game, have more time together in a common room of the house. You can make it fun for your husband too. Play poker and the looser has to make the snack for the next game. Do things that are creative and fun and bring you together rather than separate you. If she has a friend over, include the friend in on the game. This way your daughter feels that she and her friends are accepted in the house and you and your husband get the benefit of getting to know your daughter and her friends. Then you'll have no doubt about the kind of people she is hanging out with. Turn this all around into some fun for everyone and your daughter and husband won't want to hide in their rooms.

As far as the bottled water thing goes, thats just the nature of a frugual man. You have options, you can re-sue the bottles or you can also buy a re-usable bottle for her to carry water in and only buy new ones when really necessary.

Lots of luck to you!

First, I don't understand why your daughter left. Did she go t boarding school, runaway or go live with friends or relatives? Was it because of your husband? Does he resent that?

It sounds like you ou might need to get a book about teenagers. Or you just might need some family therapy or your husband might need some on his own. Teenagers NEED privacy. I grew up in a house with very little privacy and had to get dressed in my closet because my dad didn't respect doors and NEVER knocked. Teenagers have bodies that are changing, feelings and hormones to deal with and need to know that they have their own space they can call their own.

She sounds like a good kid. If she's doing well in school and doing chores, why should he get so upset about friends over in her room? She's not out getting high or drinking and lying. She's home having fun and even including you in her fun. It sounds like your hubby has the problem. Is she the only girl? Maybe your hubby feels displaced because she's not daddy's little girl anymore and he doesn't know what his place is? Maybe you can talk to one of your other older kids and have them talk to your husband. If something doesn't happen soon, he just might push your daughter out of his life and heart.

what a situation! it sounds like she is being a good kid! the part that really struck me was that she calls you into her room to "share" something funny....that is really a great sign. it shows she actually likes you and not just thinks of you as her mother. from your descriptions it doesn't sound like your daughter is the problem.
good luck!!

D., I wonder if he isn't having an issue outside of your girl returning home. Maybe he misses you or something you were doing together while she was away. Also, it takes time to trust again. Just keep communicating. Look to friends for support on tough days. That is all I can offer.

he needs counseling or a different home, susan

D.,
This sounds like it has to be an extremely difficult situation for you. Between trying to please your daughter and trying to please (i'm assuming - b/c you didn't say so directly) your husband, you have to be feeling like you are at your wits end. I'm wondering how much communication the two of them have w/ eachother? Does your daughter and husband talk at all? Have they tried to sit down together and work through their differences?
It sounds like the major problem is communication and role identification. Your daughter is not sure what role she should be playing in the family, and your husband is not sure what role he's playing w/ your daughter. If you feel like you've tried everythign and nothing seems to be working, you might want to consider having the family talk to a professional. A family counselor is a great resource and can give everyone an opportunity to speak their mind in a safe secure environment. Best of Luck.

Well, I would let him know his behavior is unacceptable and he is pushing you away. Your daughter (and son, and grandchildren) is, and always should come before him. Let him know his reactions are hurting you, and driving you to feel he doesnt want the two of you around. Arguing with a man will get you nowhere (this is not advice to you, I am sure.. just old news) but letting him know in a subtil way he is being a complete selfish fool in a CLEAR but round about way will hit him most.

If he fights with you about the water, tell him this is the way it is going to be, if he doesn't like it you will go shopping alone to spare him the greif. Just don't argue back, it is what he wants. Just keep letting him know his non supportive attitude is very hurtful, and tell him how suprised you are with his reactions. The key is to make him feel like as much of a fool as he is acting. But not in a arguementitive way. good luck, and kudos to your Marine. Semper Fi.

From what I'm hearing, your daughter is not the problem. I think your husband is being very childish and maybe it is that he's jealous, but he needs to find a better outlet for that. You giving more to him isn't going to solve the problem. Him accepting the new family dynamic and remembering that he is an adult will. You shouldn't be walking on eggshells and having him complain to you about things that it sounds like you know don't make sense, like your pointing out that the money wasn't the issue about buying the bottled water. I would listen to your gut on this one.

i would sit him down and explain to him what teenage girls are like, what YOU expect from her, and what she is doing (to help out) and how you won't punish her for being a normal teenage girl that DOES help out and ISN'T doing anything wrong! when i was just turning into a 'teen' my mother told my step father that if he didn't like the way i acted (being the fact that i like your daughter DID help out and was pretty much a good kid, other then the normal sibling rivalry w/ my 5 yr younger brother) she said that he would have to either deal with it, ground me which she would then un-ground me once she found out, or leave. she also told him that she refused to choose between her child(ren) and her new husband because he's the one that would be the loser in the end. things did get pretty bad, ending in divorce..but there were 2 horrible boys involved (his kids were physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive due to the fact that he used to beat them for any wrong doing...including something as simple as giving a dirty look, or teasing, even accidents).

it doesn't sound like he's that bad of a guy, just that he doesn't seem to realize how teenage girls are supposed to act. hopefully if you talk to him, and explain to him, things will get better. i personally wouldn't bother with your daughter at all...sounds like she's doing everything right (as you said she's trying), it's him that you should deal with since he just doesn't seem to understand. good luck, hope things go well. let us know how it goes.

maybe your hubby just wants to think something is going to go wrong again. he doesnt want you to do the little things that may help bc from a guys POV why should you bother?
JMO but i think from the sounds of it everything is going well. keep up the positive aspects and encourage her....
A.

Sounds like he's a miserable jerk and needs enlightening. Kick him to the curb.

He doesn't like to share and needs a wake up that this is your child, she is behaving well, and you have just a short time left with her before she becomes independent. Counseling might be a good thing.

Hi D.,
When your daughter came home, did you sit down as a family (you, your daughter and your husband) to "design your alliance?" What I mean by that is all of you coming to the table and laying all your cards out in an open and honest discussion. However, before this is done, it is important to set some "ground rules" on how you are going to interact with each other to create a safe space to share thoughts, needs, requests, etc. A great way to start is to allow each person to co-create this safe space together with setting the ground rules together first. My favorite rule that always keeps things in perspective for me is "no one gets to be wrong," meaning we may differ in opinion but that does not make one of us wrong and one of us right...it simply means there are at least two ways of looking at something. So, this essentially eliminates the "yes, but" which can easily lead to heated arguments and replaces it with "yes, and" that acknowledges that individual's perspective and allows you to share your own. I am not sure how useful this will be for you, but I share it with you in hopes that it may help. If you are past this point, I would recommend seeking out a Life Coach that specializes in relationship coaching in families. If you need help with this or would like to know more about coaching, I would be happy to give you some thoughts on where to look.

Many blessings,
C.

Hi D. –

I see you have had a lot of advice on the subject so I will try to be brief. Many folks mention the ‘bio-or step’ father – does it matter?? Yea, a little, but he is right now, no matter what the circumstances, the MALE role model so he needs to be that no matter. You are caught in several ‘circles’ – your ‘mother daughter’ relationship / your ‘wife-spouse’ relationship / and “you-yourself” relationship. All these most co-exist to bring ‘harmony’ in a home. I think of all those I read I found the response From: Christelle H to be closest to what I was thinking. We have six children in our blended family. Three boys, three girls, ages 22 to five. I have had three of the children attempt to move in and out as ‘adults’ <children who choose to move out and than back>, it is a HARD situation. Family meetings are a blessing. They have to be brief / they have to be scheduled; everyone must be in attendance. Everyone must be free to ‘share’. Put all the ‘cards’ on the table. Everyone needs to discuss things – NO FIGHTING / or name calling / no yelling – meeting is over should that happen. I would say the first three are the hardest, after that everyone knows and follows the ground rules.
For example – the ‘water’ – okay you have the bottles / it is done: situation that can’t be changed need to be dropped; there is no changing what is already done yet, now we learn from it….. NOW, she can reuse those bottles, and the next time a ‘subject’ will be discussed if there is any concern over something. The bedroom thing was settled in our home that no-one of the opposite sex is EVER allowed in the bedroom areas and friends over during daylight the door can be shut / evening +/or night the door must remain open. Everyone got a ‘piece’ of what THEY wanted. It is nice to hear you have a ‘helpful’ teen, and she is doing HER job <going to school, getting good grades etc>, now the “parents” must do theirs. GOOD LUCK to you and your family.

I commend your daughter for how she is behaving and I commend you for being a loving accepting mother. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Don't let what anyone else says, ANYONE, derail what you are doing to raise her. I left home a few times when I was in my late teens and my mother always welcomed me back though my father was not as pleasant about my return each time. So I can relate a bit. YOU GO MOM!!!! God bless you and your family.

D.,

My heart goes out to you. I was in the same situation many years ago with my now 30 year old daughter and my husband. He had adopted her when she was 4 and was the only father she knew.

Anyway, I suspect with men there is a difference between a girl and a boy. My husband too was always picking at something and she in return would give him things to pick about. It felt as if I was living in a cold war.

My daughter too moved in and out for a couple of years. It was a difficult time for us all. It sounds as if your husband does love her and doesn't want to see her go down the wrong path, and possibly has no idea how to show that.

Have you tried a family meeting so all involved can voice their opinions and what it is that makes them uncomfortable, angry or worried? Before you attempt this technique, you must lay down strict guidlines for the meeting and how it will be handled so you don't end up with a family free for all.

When your daughter goes to her room and the door is closed, is it with other female friends or are males involved also? How about a compromise, female friends can close the door and male friends cannot. That has been the rule in my home since I had children and they have not given me a difficult time over it.

My youngest son, now 18, will still ask if he should leave the door open when having a female guest over. Depending upon the girl, I answer yes or no. All of his entertainment is in his room, video games, stereo, television, computer, etc. To be honest with you, I'd rather the door was closed so his noise doesn't leak through the rest of the house.

hi D.; i didn't get to read about the first posting you did on this issue so i don't know the whole story. is your husband the father of this daughter or step father?

if he's the birth father it's harder for you to put limits on how the two of them interact. but if it's your relationship with him that's outside your kids original family, maybe he's not the right parent for them. it's clear that you really see your daughter's efforts and that you respect her, but maybe you have to put her first, before him, in your life. if he's not able to support and encourage and respect her, and make compromises, he might not be mature enough to deserve the title of 'dad.' it sounds like you have a really wonderful daughter, i would hate to think that she's being punished for her great efforts.

if your partner is your husband and is the father of this girl , it might be time for family counseling. maybe you could speak to your clergy person about available resources in your area. at the very least this would open up a place for open discussion among the three of you about what's going on, so that your daughter knows you really care about how she's being treated, and that you respect her feelings. i think the worst message we as moms can send to daughters is that thier feelings are unimportant, so maybe a forum for her to speak would be a good way to show her some support. it might help you, too, to unload some of the pressure; you seem to be very much caught in the middle of this, and that can't be easy or good for you.

good luck,
J.

D. K...I really don't believe in buying bottled water..I agree with your husband...it is a waste of money...the water in Albany is good water...In my opinion this bottled water is a big rip off & someone getting rich by scamming us...there have been studies done that this water is no different than tap water...if you want to get something...get one of those things to go on your faucet to filter the water or there are ones from Brita that are ones that go in the fridge ...check them out instead of buying that bottled water garbage...that is only my opinion...

D.,

He is jealous

Thankfully he is hiding he feelings,
let him vent, and then explain that even tho you can understand how he might feel she doesn't deserve SPECIAL treatment, she is still your daughter. I agree that bottled water is NOT necessary, so perhaps you coulf get her 3 fancy sports bottles and put water inside of it, to show your compomising and CONSIDERING him.

Besides this he is simply jealous, and feeling excluded, instead of INCLUDED.

Think about how things normally go down,
YOU AND him TOGETHER watching TV, BUT now your gossiping with the girls. Instead of with him,

TRY AND HELP HIM TO SEE HE IS STILL YOUR big baby

When he asked you NOT to get the water he was really asking you to CHOOSE him.

He more than likely realizes how ridiculous it is but can help his feelings, thats what he is waiting til she isn't around,

He doesn't want to hurt her feelings and NEEDS your attention,

JUST like one of the kids

Food
sex and
sleep

Make sure he is getting ALL of these, and he should be ok

**** FOr the record, Don't tell him WHEN or how much money your spending as this will only annoy him further,

Keep it all on the DL

OK

M

D.,

I am T. and have 3 daughters. one 28 one 24 and one with the Lord. In a situation like this, I personally try to find a reason for the activity to diffuse the oposing parties upset. For example. Mononucliosis (can't spell it) is very highly contageous. It is able to be transmitted through drinking fountains at school. Also if there is a breach in the water system and the school does not realize it right away, your daughter could be at risk for some serious illness. So bottled water for her at school is a good preventative.
I personally would object to the behind closed doors in the bedroom if it is a boy/girl situation, but as being a teenager in years gone by, I did not have a door on my room, it was at the top of the stairs, but I was always told, if you are going to giggle and chatter, go to your room with your friends. Maybe a compromise is in store. see if your daughter will leave the door open a little, rather than wide open or tightly closed. reason to her is if there was ever a fire or anything they would be able to hear you if you yelled from another room. food for thought. Sounds like your girl is doing very well and he needs to focus on her possatives instead of what upsets her. Kids of all ages thrive on affirmation instead of distrust. Hope this was of help.

Tell him he should be happy she is home safely and that she is able to come home. My girlfriend lost her daughter in a terrible auto accident almost 2 years ago at the age of 17, just before her highschool graduation. They are still very broken now and probably will be for a long time to come.

T.