At What Age Do You Not Allow Your Child to Be Friends with the Opposite Sex?

I agree that having a friend is having a friend, the gender doesn't matter. I would be with them the whole time like you were also, but I don't see his issue like you said they were with an adult and not playing Dr in the closed room. I do feel strongly that he should not have been mad at her. When one adult lets a kid do something and the other parent doesn't like that it is between the parents. She only did what you had blessed so to speak. He should have gotten mad at you (for no reason in my opinion), not her.

K.,
My niece has a best friend since preschool that is a boy.
They are now 11 years old. My middle daughter and oldest 19 and 16 both have friends that are boys. They have never been anything but friends. It sometimes works to their advantage because they can ask the friend if certain things are normal with a guy who ends up being a boyfriend. Also, they can have the disadvantage when the girlfriend gets jealous that he has a female friend.
I have never told my kids they could not be friends with someone, unless the person was truly mean and nasty to them. Male or female was fine.
W. M.

My children have always known that they are not allowed to have anyone at the house girls or boys unless we are home. Noone of the opposite sex is allowed in bedrooms or other areas of the house with the door closed. They always respect these rules which were the same for my son as for my daughter. We often have friends of the opposite sex over for swimming, bbqs, movie watching and I see nothing werong with that as long as we are home. As parents we cant be naive enough to tell ourselves that nothing could happen which is why we supervise but at the same time more kids than you can imagine are engaging in sexual activities in bathrooms at school or whereever they want so it may not be a bad idea to talk to your 11 yr old about sex and prepare her for her dads big talk yourself first as he is upset with you and may not tell her in the best way. Tell her that she will hear from other kids in school etc about things they are doing and that friends will tell her different things as well as she will hear things at school that are incorrect and respecting herself is most important. She needs to know she can always come to you with questions or to verify something she has heard or wants to ask about.

I agree with everyone. It might be different if they had been up in her room, but they were with you the whole time, so he is over reacting. Again, this is your home, he can dictate when you do in your home, don't let him tell you how to raise your daughter on your watch!

Another suggestion for you is, have you had your daughter read the book "the care and keeping of you" by the American Doll company? It is a great book to give a girl when she is about 10 or 11 and it talks about the changes in her body etc. It would be a great time to discuss things in more detail, especially the beginning of the "sex" talk after she has read it.

Good Luck and don't let him make you second guess yourself!

K.-

You are doing fine. My 12 year old has friends of both genders, is not 'into' boys, and can have a good time with whoever is there. I personally feel that is a healthy child/pre-teen.

Your ex's response is flabbergasting to say the least. His punishing her for what you allowed is beyond stupid, and I don't use that term lightly.

I don't know if it would help, but there is a book called "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters" that has helped my husband (we have 5 daughters, he needs the help).

The ex needs to be aware that in CA, I believe when a child is 12, they can refuse visitation (check on this before quoting it) with the non-custodial parent. I refused to go see my father at that age because he was hyper-critical in some areas and plain lazy in others. And he was re-married and I didn't feel like dealing with her. It damaged our relationship until adulthood when I was mature enough to forgive his faults and move on, and he was able to apologize for some things.

Good luck to you and your daughter. I hope he becomes more reasonable, I don't know if you can talk calmly to him or not, his current wife may not tolerate you two having a civil conversation and while that is his problem, it still affects everyone else.

D.

I think he's remembering what he was like at 11. Some boys at that age are already thinking about sex and have a difficult time dealing with and controlling their hormones. Regardless, there should be no limitations to friends her own age based upon such silliness. And if anyone should talk to an 11-year old girl about sex, it should be a woman, if not her mother an aunt or older cousin. At this age they're already seeing the reproduction videos at school, so they know the basics. Just talk to her about the "funny feelings" that she may not even get in the next 5 years. I was an early bloomer, though, so make sure you're open about it.

Back to friends, you need to figure out what to say to your ex so that he can relax and back off. Making friends should not be punished.

You're absolutely right. There is nothing wrong with her having a friend who also happens to be a boy. I am discovering that my seven year old granddaughter has a lot of friends who happen to be boys. I think it's wonderful and nothing wrong. People always expect others to do what they would do - perhaps your husband knows what he would have been up to at that age and just expects everyone to be the same. stand up for your daughter!

Hi K.,

I would have a conversation with your daughter about different people having different value systems, because i'm sure her Dad's reaction is eating her up.

Children in early adolescence often don't want to be friends with the opposite sex, and that's ok. It's okay if they do have a close friend of the opposite sex, too.

If you supervised the visit, and you felt comfortable with this young man, then there's nothing wrong with the situation.

Sometimes, people feel that boys and girls shouldn't play together for cultural reasons.... some parents won't let their preschool aged boys play with girls because they think they won't be "tough" when they grow up.

If it's possible, talk to your ex about his beliefs. Why does he feel so strongly? If not possible, maybe just agree that the children can't be punished because the other parent's decisions.

Well my son is only almost 4 so I haven't had to deal with this yet. I really don't see any problem with it though. I think it's great that boys and girls can hang out and be friends. She gets to do some boy stuff and he can do some girl stuff. I can see what your husband is thinking though, because there are some kids these days who are having sex WAY too early. I really think that has to do with the parents though and not talking to them about sex. Your husband is a brave man for wanting to have "the talk" with your daughter. Perhaps go to the library and get some reference stuff for her or a video on development. I remember when I was probably 12 I took a 2 night lecture thing with my mom about it. I think 11 is a little young for the in depth details, but maybe just the basic birds and bees talk. Good luck to you all. I hope she can still hang out with her buddy. Things might change when school starts up again anyways.

I have a 12 yo daughter, and I see nothing wrong with the scenario you described. Boys and girls this age can be "just" friends. Sounds like your ex has a vivid imagination and may be putting ideas in your daughter's head that otherwise wouldn't be there. Sounds a bit paranoid.

Your "ex" is really making a big deal out of nothing.It makes me wonder would he rather have her sneaking around instead of being up front about who her friends are?

Having the sex talk already is kind an extreme measure which makes me also think he does not trust her and why would he not trust her? You need to ask him that! She is 11 years old for crying out loud. Trust her until she gives a reason not to.

He may make matters worse and personally I think he should let YOU talk to her about sex when the time is right.

I always had both female and male friends when I was that age and younger and it was never a big deal. My parents trusted me. I lived on a street loaded with kids.

You are there to supervise so he is basically telling you he doesn't trust you either??? What the heck is wrong with this guy?

I would not worry what problem he is having coz it is his problem not yours or your daughter. I would let him know he is pushing her further away from him and if that is what he wants....he is doing a good job at it.

Let him know he has a good girl and to appreciate that!!!

R.

I don't think you should ever not allow your kid to be friends with the opposite sex. And I think your ex is way out of line and kind of nutty. The whole situation sounded fine, but it sounds like you have a lot of other problems with your ex, so this behavior is hardly a surprise.

Good luck dealing with him. I don't know the answer.

ps - I don't think it will hurt her to have a sex talk, however he has some weird ideas, so what the heck is he going to tell her? You might want to have a talk with her of your own.

First of all your daughter has a right to be 'friends' with boys as well as girls. My daughter was always friends with boys more than girls because she said there is less drama with boys. Girls tend to over dramatize everything and boy friendships are simplistic most of the time.(Some people just don't like drama) My daughter didin't have her first boyfriend until she was over 18 and she was a beautiful girl. She just felt comfortable around boys and because of that could be very selective of who she dated once she got to that point in her life.(this made her a more confident girl and not afraid to express herself around boys) It is good to prepare your daughter for the sex issues, but I feel it might be better coming from Mom than Dad. You might have a more comfortable relationship with her. If she is talked to by you first, she then can let her Dad know that Mom already explained that to her and she understands the consequences of young relationships. Don't allow her to fear the opposite sex. The world if full of guys.....she won't be able to avoid them. :)
Hope this helps,
E.

"not allow?" you can't choose your daughter's friends. and when she IS attracted to someones, shouldn't she become friends with that person first? her dad's paranoia and lack of trust in his daughter is going to backfire, and at the very least may make her feel insecure and question her own judgement. what is at the base of his irrational reaction? did some boy take advantage of an important girl in his life? was he an aggressive boy at that age who only thought about taking advantage of females? where is all this coming from? although it is a wonderful idea to talk to her about sex, why him? usually you or another respected female would be the one to have that talk with her first. is he going to be sensitive and patient or accusatory and judgemental? this is a delicate age; trust your daughter and equip her with the skills she needs to protect herself if necessary and to communicate her boundaries to boys and to others in her life. good luck!

Is it really necessary to poison what is innocent? Just keep you eye out for red flags.... Them going off by them selves is one thing you keep a close eye one. Any inappropriate teasing or comments is another. I say teach your child it's okay and possible to have friends of the other sex.
Keep it innocent, if not it could back fire and peak her curiosity where you really don't want it to go to.

Hello K.: As the mother of 5 with the ages varying we always had large groups in our house of boys and girls. Sometimes it was hard when a daughter had acrush on a brother's friend but they usually got it worked out. Reality check: It is ok to have this young man over like this but you might need to start having at least one other person there to keep thngs in balance. Kids just like being friends without the pressure of sexual attitudes. I have see as a foster mother my fair share of 12 year olds that have given birth. So talking about sex is not a bad thing as long as her father is tasteful andnot extream about it. Where you planning on doing it soon?? Maybe you can find a fine line of ways you agree upon and use those guidelines to teach her with.
My children now adults and parents now, say they are using the same lines I did with them smmile rules cat in concret? that worked in our family.
1. We are your parents not your friends or buddy.
2. They could always talk with us -- we might not like what they said but we: listened, and had to say " we may not be able to fix this, we love you without conditions, you will have to pay the price for your choices but we will stand by you"
3. Your friends are always welcome to our home as long they are respectful of our standards. (even when I didn't like a few of the friends it was safer to have them at our house not elsewhere)
4. This was the rule that the foster children liked the best: I will be a mother in law before a Grandmother and You will not cause shame to our family name.
5. Groups not single couples are alone anywhere unless I have given personal permission and know the why of it.
NOW DID THEY ALL LISTEN? ABIDE BY IT? NO!!! but very few of these were broken and even when they were the butt of many a kids jokes I have been told repeatedly that they saved their bacon morethan once when push came to shove about why they didn't want to go along with the crowd rules.
I just honestly hope that your x has the best intentions and doesn't create many upheaveals for your child by talking of things that she may not be ready for all at once--- some of these talks take time and patience. But she is the age to start talking that is for sure, I am sure that if she has watched TV or a movie she has more information that you know about. Good Luck Nana Glenda

Forgive me if I come across too hard; I know I do have strong opinions.
You're right about your husband going ballistic. It's the typical male thing, knowing what they were like when they were young and wanting to protect their daughter from someone like themselves... At NO point would I discourage either of my children from befriending children of the opposite gender. I think we can become more well-rounded when we have a diverse group of friends and that includes people of all genders, races, classes, sexual orientations, etc. When our experiences are be guided with supervision as in the case you described, what could be better. It sounds like a really balanced family day and I'm sure it was pleasant, right? (perhaps you ex felt jealous or left out.)
If your ex is really concerned with the kind of males that your daughter will be affiliating herself with in the future, now is the time for him to give her super high quality experiences in his time spent with her. He could be making her feel like the absolute most precious gift in the world and totally prized. I think a closeness that shows her that her father values her, who she is- as she is, and respects her mind, choices and ideas thus far, is the foundation for positive intimate relationships with males in the years to come.
Oh, a one great rebuttal to him for the future could include the topic of how so many girls are experimenting with their female friends these days. Does that mean we should put our children into little boxes and lock them up? I think not!

PS I love your bio! I am so happy for you you have strong relations w/ them. I am close to my 7 yr old daughter in a similar way and I just picked out a bday card for my mom wishing "one of my favorite people in the world" a happy day. Sounds like you are well on your way to a long standing close friendship. Yay!!!

Your ex has some serious issues with sex and doesn't trust any boy because he himself is not to be trusted. the idea of a FATHER talking to a girl about sex is ridiculous--unless there is no mother, of course--it's a painful enough subject for my daughter (15) to talk to me, and painful enough for her to ask her dad to take her to the store to get sanitary supplies if I'm not around.
As for friends of the opposite sex, well, you simply can't prevent that and my daughter has had boys for friends since she was a baby! THat's the way to normalize relations between the sexes is to keep them around as friends!

your ex is totally out of line, and maybe needs to see a counselor to figure out how to handle his hangups about his daughter's coming of age before he really messes her up.

good luck!

mom of two grown sons and a gorgeous teenage daughter who has always had boys around her life.

Sounds like your husband is being unreasonable. Especially considering that you were supervising them and they were not left alone.

I have friends whose son's best friend happened to be a girl who lived down the street and it was at about 11 yo when their parents quit allowing them to have sleepovers together, but they still allow them to play and even be alone in the bedroom together. The kids felt similar about each other in that they had a friendship kind of like brother and sister and would NEVER think of anything more!

I used to worry about my son whose best friend for a couple of years (10-11 yo) was my husband's friend's daughter. They spent lots of summer days completely unsupervised except that my younger son (6-7 yo) was always with them. At one point, they thought they were "in love" and my son gave her a necklace (fashion jewelry) for Valentine's Day. They kissed a couple of times after that and found out that it was too weird because their relationship was truly platonic. I worried a lot during those two years, but the kids figured it out for themselves. They are still good friends, but they have both moved on and really only hang out when our families get together.

I say you set guidelines, such as they are not to be alone in the bedroom or in an unsupervised situation, and let them figure it out. Eventually, your daughter will get interested in boys and it will be too weird to hang out with her guy friend. She will make more girlfriends and he will hang out more with guys. Try to convince your husband to let them enjoy the remainder of their close friendship while it lasts and if it doesn't wane, then you can keep the guidelines is place or change your mind. I think he is right about having the sexuality discussion with your daughter if that has not already happened. Many girls are getting their period at 10 and 11 yo, so she needs to be informed and prepared.

Keep in mind that if your daughter is forbidden to enjoy her friendship with this boy, she may be driven to sneak around and see him, which may lead to exactly what your husband is worried about and you want to avoid. Good luck with the kids and your husband!

Wow! Your ex-husband sounds like he is overreacting and really setting your daughter up for some hard times as she gets older. (my opinion only) I totally disagree with punishing your daughter for this....that sends such a negative outlook on having friends of the opposite sex. I would recommend some co-parenting counseling for you and your ex so you can try to be on the same page with this issue. Her interest in boys could be right around the corner and with her fathers reaction to this it could be VERY STRESSFUL on her and you. I think having a boy who is a friend is perfectly fine...it's not like your letting him spend the night or hang out in her room alone. Good luck!

I have to agree that it's ALWAYS ok for your kids to be friends with the opposite sex. And your ex-husband is batsh*t crazy if you ask me.

You did all the right things with them hanging out together so I don't know what his problem is. But I don't think I would have let him punish her for it since it was at YOUR home with YOUR permission. If he doesn't want her to have male friends over at HIS house that's his option, but he doesn't get to dictate that in YOUR home.

And I'd have the chat with her FIRST or at the very least insist on being present when HE has the chat with her.

I feel all the guy friends I had as a teen kept me "real" about guys (as much as I was crazy for certain boys) and that they were people, not aliens. If anything it taught me to relate to them as "one of the guys" and I was terrible at flirting and stuff. By the time I was in college I suspected it was hurting my ability to get a boyfriend!

As long as ALL friends are well supervised (no closed bedroom doors) I think it's fine. (really: the girls could be up to nefarious things like drugs or social networking ;-) in some ways they are far more devious.)

I hope your ex gets therapy before your daughter decides she doesn't need to visit him.

I don't think it is any big deal...

WOW - sounds like the real issue lies between you and your ex! In my opinion, he has no business punishing her for something that happened at your house under your supervision, with your permission! That is insane! Does the iPod stay at his house? How often does she go over there? Maybe you should just get her one for at your house if that is the case? about the sex talk part, WOW, that is kinda a conversation for a MOM to have with her daughter, not a dad, and Dad talks to the boys, or it is something that is done together.....I would think that it will be very embarrassing for her to be having that talk with her dad. I really think that YOU need to sit down with Dad and discuss things. Maybe if the two of you can come to some sort of agreement, even if you have to bend a little bit to please him, it will make your daughters life a little bit more bearable. And the issue with the jealous wife.....don't even get me started! that is like my pet peave, you knew he was previously married and had kids when you got with him, you signed up for this, don't make everyone miserable now because you are childish and selfish and insecure...

Hi K.,
ANY AGE!! If you trust your child & they were chaperoned the whole time WHAT exactly does he not approve of?
Seems to me that HE IS THE ONE WITH A PROBLEM! Maybe because men tend to think of nothing but sex? Since his mind is in the gutter maybe he figures this boy's is too???
To me this is bizzare....I don't see 11 year olds as a problem....I'm NOT in the dark, or DON'T HAVE A CLUE,I have raised older boys....
So am I not to let my grandson age 9 months play with a girl that is of the same age? Or is it just that he is 11 yrs old?
Just this last weekend my daughter & her best friend went to the house of a boy (they are all 13) to ride horses on a ranch & swim. They were supervised by his grandma the whole time. I let her go. Now, we have discussed sex with her and we have a 9 month old in the house(our grandson) so she is well aware of what it takes to care for a baby.(probably the BEST birth control any parent can hope for)..she is not allowed to have a "BOYFRIEND" till she is 16. She can have friends that are boys but that's as far as it goes. Our daughter has ALWAYS had friends of the opposite sex,since she was a baby...I don't see anything wrong with that.
I raised two boys with the same rules & never had a problem.They both learned to respect women & what is okay & what is not....
I say give her back the Ipod..she didn't do anything wrong if he was invited to your home & was supervised. IF Dad feels someone needs to be punished it's not fair to punish her, IF you gave her the approval.That's the biggest issue I have with all this. IF your daughter had permission & supervision, then HOW is it that SHE is being punished?
I would guess that this would be the time for both of you as parents to discuss what you both feel is approprate & what is not....Discuss these decisions with her so she will know in the future what is allowed & what is not.
It sends the WRONG message to punish her for something she had permission to do.
Good Luck, I'm sure that you can both come up with some acceptable rules for the future...
L.

Wow. I actually think it is unhealthy to NOT have boy friends. After all, they are half the population. Your ex-husband sounds a little like how my father treated me when I was around that age and through my teenage years. As soon as I was no longer a little girl I think he just didn't know how to handle it. I always felt like I was in trouble but knew I wasn't really doing anything wrong. Your ex really needs a wake up call because when kids feel like they are always in trouble they end up rebelling because if you're being punished you might as well be comitting a crime, ya know what I mean. Its a good thing she has you. Obviously kids have to be supervised around the opposite sex when they get to a certain age and that's exactly what you were doing.

i feel that interacting with the opposite sex is natural and normal and something we have to do for the rest of our lives! yes, kids are experimenting early these days but with the father's attitude, she will be pushed into experimenting if she isn't allowed to have normal , healthy, supervised interactions with the opposite sex now! this father needs to talk to someone about his harsh and irrational feelings and actions regarding this matter because she will have many more friends of the opposite sex as the years go by. we all want her to be able to have healthy, happy relationships with men and that "training" starts NOW. good luck mama!

In my opinion, never. I don't see the problem with girls and boys being friends at any age, in fact, I think it's a good thing. Your husband sounds overly worried and overreacting. I would definitely try to get to the bottom of his fears and figure out why he is so concerned.

I dont think that there has to be a limit. and quite honestly, i think your exhusband is a lunatic. Why would you deny a child the oportunity to have a friend over! SPECIALLY when they are both under your constant supervisioon. Yes, they are at that "weird" age, but, what really can they do with you around. I think he is just insecure and has a guilty conscious about himself and wants to protect the girls from what creeps like him did. Quite honestly, i dont see anything wrong with it. And, well, he will learn the hard way that the more he restricts, and yells at them the less forth coming they will become, then he will just be an outsider looking in wondering what went wrong. Trust your instincts mom, you know what's up.

good luck
B. H

I think your ex has "issues" that are his and not yours or your daughter's. My 11 year old has friends of both sexes and she too can think that boys can be dorky, but she thinks that she is dorky (and likes it). Main point-there is nothing wrong with anyone having friends of the other sex. Keep the dialogue up with your children. It will pay off when they are in high school. I'd explain that you think her dad's behavior is a bit bizzare, without condeming him, as men and women do have different ways of looking at relationships.

Hi, K.,
I am so sorry that you and your daughter have to deal with this. It is totally normal and acceptable to have friends of both sexes, at least in this country!!! I am not sure why your ex would think it is not okay. Obviously, as others have stated, he has major issues. I would definitely talk to your daughter and clarify that she did nothing wrong! You don't want her growing up with a skewed sense of the world! To punish your daughter for something you allowed is really sad. Does he not realize how he looks through her eyes? It would seem completely unfair from a child's point of view, if a parent condoned something and then they got punished for behavior that was normal and acceptable. Your ex should think about these things.

I hope you are able to keep the lines of communication open not only with your daughter, but with your ex. I know that is hard, but for her sake, it would make her life easier if he could come around to seeing your point of view on this particular matter.

best of luck,

Dear K.,
It sounds like your ex-husband has some serious control issues, if nothing else. If you allowed something at your home that he doesn't like, he should have taken it up with you in a calm and adult manner. Punishing your daughter for something you allowed under your supervision makes about as much sense as me yelling at my next door neighbor because the dog across the street barks all night long. I hope that's something your ex will work on. Your daughter is only 11. If he punishes her for decisions you make, she's going to be one miserable kid.

Don't take this the wrong way, but your question seemed so odd to me at first. I don't think there's ANY age you should stop allowing your kids to have friends of the opposite sex. Growing up, I always had more male friends than female friends. My neighborhood was loaded with boys and my female friends all had brothers and guys around. My daughter had tons of boy friends. In fact, her very best friend was a boy and when we moved to a different town, he used to come and stay with us. Over night, in pajamas and everything! My son is 14 and he has very close friends who are girls. His sister is 10 years older than him and he's been around girls all his life. I can't even imagine telling him that now he's 14 and he can't have friends that are girls anymore. He'd think I'd flipped my lid.
I personally think it's best to let kids have friends of both genders. Take it from me, neither one of my kids ever developed a crush on someone that they consider a friend, like a brother or a sister. I'm not saying it never happens, but to just automatically assume they're going to "experiment" with each other just because they are of the opposite sex is being a little overly cautious. Going to a bbq or playing video games together does not immediately lead to sex. I do agree they don't need to be in a bedroom with the door closed or anything. Heck...I don't let my son and his friends be in his room with the door closed. One kid I've known since he was a baby...I wouldn't put it past him to climb out the window onto the ledge to try to pick apples off the tree. Supervision is always a good idea.

I think that letting your kids have friends of both sexes also takes some of the "mystery" out of it. If you tell a kid that the opposite sex is forbidden, they're going to make a bee-line for it.
Having friendships in this life is important for all of us. If your daughter isn't allowed to have friends who are boys, how will she know how to relate to males when she's older?
Maybe your ex was a little horn-dog when he was 11 and he's thinking that way. But, he needs to cut her some slack as far as having boys who are friends because the last thing you want is her rebelling because he's being too harsh. His reaction was inappropriate. She didn't do anything wrong and neither did you.

I wish you the best!

Some of my best friends are boys. I am 41 now but have had better relationships with boys than girls all my life. Some of my boy-friends from junior high and highschool are still my best friends. I dont see anything wrong with that. It's not sexual. It's friendship. Make sure SHE knows the difference between those though so she doesn't get pressured into anything by a boy that doesn't know the difference. The sex talk has to happen. might as well be now.

Wow, it sounds like he reacted irrationally. Did he state why, when both children were in the main part of the house all day, he thought it was a problem? As far as talking with her about sex, this should be done a.s.a.p? Has anyone talked with her about sex up to this point? Will you both be talking with her together about sex? It seems your ex-husband may give your daughter a talk that you are not comfortable with as he obviously has "issues" with your daughter being with a boy. This may cause the "sex talk" to be a matter of telling her to obstain, which may cause more harm than good. He also may make her feel like boys are bad. It is imperative for your daughter to be able to explore her feelings about boys and this can not be done in the absence of boys. This should be a time when she can explore emotions in a healthy way and with the reaction from your ex this may cause her to be very confused.

Of course every daddy feels protective of his little girl, so maybe I am having too strong a reaction, but this sounds like a VERY extreme reaction. I've never even heard of the idea of one gender 'not allowed' to play with the other, except in muslim cultures or the 18th century (and even then with chaperone it was okay). I feel the need to encourage you to dig deeper by having a conversation with your ex-husband about exactly why this is a big trigger for him. I'm just wondering if your husband was molested or exposed to inappropriate behavior right about the same age. That said, an age appropriate talk about sex with BOTH of you isn't necessarily a bad thing by age 11, if only because she'll be hearing mis-information from older kids soon, and it would be better/healthier to be able to discuss it openly with her parents... Good luck!

ALLOW your daughter to be friends?? If you try to forbid it you are in for big trouble.

Besides it is perfectly normal and natural for children to have friends of both genders. As they grow and age and become more mature and aware of their sexuality, then it's time for mom and dad to be present. It sounds as if you were doing this. The children were supervised. Having a sex talk is appropriate, I would recommend you go first with the talk (if you haven't already), because it sounds as if he is going to color the discussion with his own baggage. At 11 years old she doesn't need to hear about the "only things boys want from you..." Just the facts, only the facts, the other stuff can come in bits and pieces as she matures.

Dear K.,

It might be time for “the talk” because you are right, kids are experimenting at a much earlier age. Let your former husband know that you agree, let’s have “the talk” and before we do, lets discuss what we will say to our daughter and lets say it together. I don’t think it’s necessary for two talks.

There is nothing wrong with having both male and female friends. I think it’s better in a group (like when you were young), rather then one on one (no pun intended).
In this particular case the kids were supervised, so your former husband’s anger seems to be misplaced. Hopefully he has returned the Ipod.

You mentioned you have a second child, but there is no mention of her father. I he in the picture at all?

Your former husband cheated on you 11 years ago and he now has a jealous wife. How long has he been remarried? Was the current wife the reason for your breakup? Could you be holding on to old wounds? Why would and adult be jealous of an 11 year old?

If your daughter needs more of her father’s time and is unable to express it to him, maybe you should talk to him. No matter how the two of you feel about each other, neither of you should be expressing your negative feelings to your children.

Blessings….

Hi K.,
I had to respond when I read your post. Your ex-husband is out of line (wrong). He definitely has some trust issues going on and from what I read, his mind is twisted. If your daughter(s) have friends that are boys and you are supervising their activity in your home, there is NOTHING wrong.
You are doing everything right, especially keeping the lines of communication open with your daughter(s).
Take care and good luck.
p.s. My ex used to accuse me of cheating, which I wasn’t, he was the one cheating. So I understand where you are coming from.

hi K.!

I think that is a great dialogue you started, and quite frankly, you should do what you're doing. The most important thing I girl will learn from her father is to have healthy relationships with males. His emotional connection and interaction with her will determine far more when she chooses to be sexually active. And, I believe that sex is on on-going conversation that begins at an early age, obviously with appropriate content. Encouraging healthy friendships is huge, because most healthy relationships that culminate in a strong, healthy marriage begin as a solid friendship. And, if someone doesn't know how to be a friend to the opposite sex without being sexual, there will be alot of problems later on with healthy boundaries and thinking the only way a male and female can connect is through sex, and that is not true.
So, it sounds like your ex is really scared and not trusting. You should talk to him about that, and that if he is domineering and controlling, he will drive her away and straight into the arms of some guy who tells her how wonderful she is. So, he gets to choose to be the one who fulfills her need for male interaction and emotional content, or he will be picking to let some stranger do it.
As for you, keep doing what your doing, but make sure you don't buy everything she is selling because kids do lie and manipulate to get what they want. keep the boundary as parent clear, and don't try to be her friend. it sounds like you encourage communication and trust, and that is so huge, so keep it up!
Good luck.

Goshhh!!!!!!! I think your ex has a real problem. My 2 kids boy and girl are now 23. They have always had friends boys and girls and seen each other naked, me included and my ex husband.it is natural, you just have to talk soon to her about sex. So they do not hear to much from friends.
As he cheated on you he has a quilty mind.......
It is not health not to have friends of both gender´s, well that is my opinion.
I was born in u.k put lived my life in spain,zimbabwe and now costa rica, so have been about a bit. Take care. Good luck.

It's very healthy for children of the opposite sex to be friends. You should encourage the behavior for as long as possible.

your ex husband is psycho and making something out of nothing. you were there the whole time. WHAT could they possibly have done?? Tell him to relax. Unfortunately you guys need to parent together and be consistent. Good luck!

i think your ex is over-reacting. It is important for children to maintain friendships and such with both sexes, how else are they going to learn how to have healthy relationships as adults? I don't think she is too young for the very broad discussion about sex (most likely they are already addressing it in school), especially since she is at the age where she should be starting her cycle soon. But I would have a talk with your ex and let him know how you feel. She should not be punished for having friends.

Hi K.,
There isn't anything wrong with it. I grew up with lots of friends who happened to be boys. I also have two girls and we encourage friendships with boys. My sister's ex-husband went ballistic about these types of things, but then, he didn't grow up with any sisters and had many hangups as well as a huge alcohol problem. It is also completely unatural for your husband to have the sex talk with your daughter. This is a mother's role through and through regardless of what any PC person thinks. Every parent night meeting I have attended about raising girls is VERY specific about gender related issues. Girls are VERY uncomfortable talking about sex at such an early age and your husband is the one stepping way out of line. I am concerned about his behavior regarding this issue. Be careful that he doesn't hurt your daughter further. Taking away her ipod because she has a friend is completely ludicrous and setting up the precedent that if she does anything he doesn't like, he will punish her. The thing is, having a male friend is not stepping out of line, and therefore she will never know what is. I would meet with a counselor together over this one if I were you. Your daughter is entering a time in her life when she will start patterning her choice of a mate off of her own father and having someone pull the rug from under you for any stupid reason is not the kind of guy you want her choosing for herself. Be careful.

I agree that the problem is your ex-husband's. I have some ideas that I think might be causing him to act this way, but since I'm not a psychologist those are best left unsaid. Why did he even know about this situation? I think you probably need to just have a good discussion with your daughter letting her know she did nothing wrong (nor did you) in this regard and perhaps agree that her dad doesn't need to know every detail about what goes on in your home. You'll need to carefully discuss with her that some adults just have unreasonable "hang-ups" and sometimes it's just best to avoid setting them off with too much information.

K.~

I think that as long as they are supervised, there is nothing wrong with your daughter having male friends at ANY age. It is definitely time for the "talk", as she is getting to a very scary age. I'm a high school health teacher, and I see how "advenced" the 13 and 14 year old freshmen are. It is a little frightening. I can see how Dad might be a little nervouse about his daughter getting to this age, but he did overreact.

I would like to add my two cents in about the wife. I'm the second wife for my husband. He didn't cheat, in fact it was his first wife that destroyed their marriage. I have to say that for you to say that she has no part of co-parenting is a little harsh. She is his wife and does have a part in raising your daughter, whether you like the situation or not. There will come a time when you have to accept this person as a parent for her as well. That doesn't mean that you accept negative behavior towards your daughter, but perhaps if there were more positive feelings displayed from you towards her it would soften her fear or jealousy. It took my husband's ex several years, but we are finely in a good place where she understands that I'm an important part of the parenting equation and I do take a very active role in parenting. My "bonus daughter" and I are extremely close (I've been in her life now since she was 3 and she is 9 now), and I cherish that relationship that I have with her. All I'm saying is that is sounds like there needs to be a softening of feelings on the sides of all parties involved.

Good luck to you and your family.