Heart Broken Daddy over Daughter's Lack of Affection for Him

Daddy daughter day... go fishing, to the zoo/park/playground/bookstore/reading time/quiet snuggle time with her favorite movie/ lunch-- They may need more one on one time to bond more?
Maybe he can start being more hands on w/ her at home and you leave --dinner/ bath time and bed time/story time start with one night a week and then go 2 and 3 all DADDY time only...

My advice is really simple. I have three children, my first two are boy/girl twins. My daughter was automatically drawn to me, and wouldn't let my husband do anything for her. I then had a third child, another little girl, that consumed most of my time. She soon learned that Daddy was going to be able to give her what she needed, when she needed it, but that Mommy still loved her. She is now the best adjusted between Mommy and Daddy. She still prefers Mommy, but Daddy can do things for her now. The third one is a whole other story, Daddy can't do anything for her. I think she will be fine once the other baby gets here. Just be patient with her. Good luck!!

J.,

Could be a stage. Perhaps she is anxious about the new baby and is clinging to you? Not a personal offense to her dad.

My daughter clung to me lots as an infant toddler. Now, at 6, she is the apple of her dad's eye and she misses him dearly when he is away.

They go through so many stages and changes!

Good luck

You've gotten a ton of responses and some great advice. My husband and I just went through all of this. We have a 3 year old "mommy's girl" and now a new 8-week old daughter, too. We made a concerted effort to get rid of the mommyitis by doing several things:

1. I holler "Daddy's home" when he gets home at night. I act very excited to see him and it carries over to her.
2. I encourage her to be nice to Daddy and when she is downright ugly to him, she goes in time out or gets a swat on her bottom from me (and only me). I wasn't sure about the punishment side of this (like I was forcing her affections for him), but my husband and a friend of his were talking and he and his wife had had this problem with their daughter. They had to do this a few times and it resolved. We had the same experience. After about 3-4 "punishments" for being outright ugly to her dad, she very very rarely does it now.
3. The two of them need to spend time alone. Going somewhere together is important but it is just as important that he be the one to take care of her at home so she knows she can rely on him to do all those things that you do for her. I also reinforce this by telling my daughter that Daddy can do those things Mommy does just as well, and sometimes better, than Mommy.
4. I encourage her to love on Daddy - crawl in bed and give him a good morning hug before he gets out of bed, give him a hug when he gets home, etc. If she doesn't or balks at doing it, then I hug him and we invite her to come hug both of us. Then she is pretty easy to pass off to him for "Daddy bear hugs."
5. At first, we had to have my husband start putting her to bed every night and she had to cry out any upset over that. It was really hard to stay out of her bedroom and let her cry. Eventually, only after she would go to bed for Daddy without any drama, my husband and I started taking "turns." It is Daddy's turn to give her a bath or tuck her in. Mommy has a turn the next day. Most of the time she forgets who did it the night before so he does it more often than I do just to reinforce that bond they are developing.
6. I told her before the baby came that she needed to help me take care of Daddy by letting Daddy help her more. She seemed very responsive to that.
7. We refer to the baby as "our" baby and encourage her to help out so she doesn't feel left out. We take turns with the girls so she doesn't think that the baby is getting all of my attention. That seems to help with the mommyitis as well.
8. My husband does the grocery shopping about as much or more than I do. I will tell our daughter that he bought her something special at the store just for her - popsicles, Toaster Strudel, whatever - and he did it because he knew she would like it, Daddy did something nice for her, etc. so she understands that he thinks of her and wants her to be happy. She makes that connection.
9. I made up new words to Frere Jacques (Brother John): We love Daddy, We love Daddy, yes we do, yes we do, Daddy is the Greatest, Daddy is the Greatest, yes he is, yes he is. It embarrases my husband, but we would sing it and sometimes I catch her singing it when she is singing to herself. I would sing it to her just when I thought Daddy needed some boostering with her. It's silly, I know, but it seems to help.
10. I even told her she had mommyitis and that we were trying to make it go away. I told her that mommyitis made Daddy sad because he wanted to be able to do things for her, spend time with her, etc.
11. I've told her that being ugly to Daddy makes me sad because I picked him special just for her to be her daddy. She really listens when I tell her this and seems to take it to heart.

I don't think it was just one thing for her that helped the problem. Now, it is very rare that she is ugly to him or clings to me over him. She fell down last night and went straight to him to comfort her instead of coming to me. I know that we are on the right track.

Good luck! It will be fine.

I wouldn't stress too much about it. I had the same problem with my husband and each one of my girls. Tell him to get more involoved than he is now. Maybe more feedings, more diapers changes than he is currently doing. One he will have to do this anyway when the second baby comes. Second, the reason why your daughter comes to you for everything right now is because you are the primary care giver, or as I say in my house "I am the food lady." They are used to getting the most from you so they are going to turn to you first. Deflect her to your husband more for requests that she has. They need more interaction and over time you will see that she will go to him. Children will have favorite parents over the course of time and it will change. Don't let it hurt your feelings if all the sudden you notice she goes to him more than you.

Have your husband just jump in and take the reins of some of your daughter's care. Most small children will "prefer" the parent or care giver that does most everything for them. I have 3 kiddos and I am a stay-at-home mom. Everyone of my kids have gone through this, wanting me over their daddy because I am the primary person that takes care of their needs. When I was pregnant with my youngest, I just quit doing the little things for my middle child whenever my husband was home so that he (my son) could get use to someone else sharing in his care. Your daughter also probably sinces that another baby is coming along, though she might not understand exactly until the baby gets there. It is natural for anyone to fear the unknown and for kids, they tend to cling to the ones that give them the most feeling of being comforted.

Good Luck and Congrats!

Oh I know how hard this can be. My daughter did the same thing with my hubby and it absolutely killed him. Even when he just went to pick her up she would scream and cry for me.

Here's what we did.....I set aside a few hours a week to be away from them so she would be forced to depend on him for things she needed. It was good for her and great for me! It gave me some much needed "me" time and helped them bond a bit more.

Looking back, I think it was really just a phase because she is all about daddy these days and doesn't show favortisum to either one of us.

Hang in there, I'm sure it will get better on it's own.

D.

J.,

I totally know what you are saying...my first daughter did this too for a good little while. My husband is very hands on with her and plays and does just about anything she wants to do, and we couldn't figure it out. The only thing we came up with is 1. he traveled a lot when she was a baby and she would give him the cold shoulder when he was in town and 2. because she is with me all day long, she sees Mommy as the "stable" figure. She knows that I am always going to be there day or night. But the good news is that it is just a phase!!! I had another baby girl right after her 2nd birthday and it took about 6 months after the baby was born for my first daughter to really become attached to her Daddy. She would let her Daddy do stuff for her and help her when I couldn't because I was doing stuff with the baby, but now Mommy has totally been replaced. ;( It kind of breaks my heart, but I know how important it is for her to be close to her Daddy. Just this morning she woke up and asked for him and he was already at work and she just started crying so I took her to eat lunch with him. Just be patient with her and encourage her and make sure that your husband stays consistent doing stuff with her even when she doesn't want to...he needs to keep trying. Never, Never, Never make her feel like she is going to be trouble for not wanting anything to do with him. You can't force a child to love or show affection. It doesn't work that way. You love them and they learn to love you back. Remember this little person is learning by what she sees and if she gets in trouble for not showing affection, then she will associate love with punishment or pain. That's NOT GOOD! Best of luck with both you babies!

I would not force the affection but I would look for ways for them to spend some time together without you. My husband worked very long hours when our daughter was small and she became way too dependent on me. When we realized what was happening he gradually started looking for ways for them to spend more time together. They started "daddy/daughter dinner" where they went out just the two of them once a week and she got to pick the restaurant. They also started once a month movie night where they would rent a movie pop popcorn and no mom was allowed. He started taking her with him to run errands etc..and gradually they became very close. She is 14 now and they have a terrific relationship. Hope this helps!

Hello J.,

yes, that happens. you can do a couple of things. on one hand, remind your daughter how much daddy loves her (just work it into the conversation throughout the day... like subliminal messages) and also mention how much you love daddy and how much you love her and how much SHE loves daddy....(I remember having to do that and a friend of mine too... is that a daughter/daddy thing? because it's not the first time I hear about it)

Also, when your daughter is not around, remind your husband how you probably don't want your daughter to give hugs and kisses out of 'obligation'...

I don't know what might or might not work but here are a few things to try:

--Please know that I'm insinuating that he's not loving enough or anything of that sort-- maybe your husband can make sure he does 'small talk' with her. and to smile every time he looks at her (which I'm sure he does) the trick is to make sure _SHE_ sees him smiling at _HER_.

~plan a tea party and make a special invitation for daddy.

~have her help you make a little note to sneak it into daddy's shirt pocket (and then make sure he finds it in front of her and make a big deal of what a nice surprise it is, etc... even if you have to tell your husband all about it before hand)

~have your husband watch her favorite shows with her.
~let your daughter see YOU hugging your husband.
~do family hugs

Good luck and patience...
~C.~

We went throught this with our 3 year old when he was about 2 years of age also. Tryston always came to me for anything and went through a stage where he didn't want anything to do with my husband.We broke him by having daddy take him somewhere alone and spend time with him (like the park) or Daddy would tell him Tryston I need your help can you come help daddy. Also when Tryston came to me for something I wouldn't be rude about it, but I would tell him he needed to go ask daddy to help him that I was busy. I was a stay at home mom and was with him most of the time. I feel like because I was the one always there and doing everything, he didn't feel like daddy was able to do anything for him. If you have daddy take her places alone like to the park, or to the store to buy her a little something, Then it will help her to see that it is ok to go to daddy for things. Also if he takes her to the park alone to play and he is the only one there to help her when she falls or gets hurt and he comforts her it will help. My son now will go to my husband before he comes to me for things. He is a very loving child and goes to daddy or I now for affection. I hope that you find a method that works for yall, and you are able to move past this stage soon.

This is just a normal stage of childhood developement. Kids will prefer one parent over the other, usually Mom because she is the one doing most of the childcare. Tell Dad not to be offended, as many things, this will pass!

It's completely normal for a child (boy or girl) to gravitate to one parent and then the other. They usually go to the parent that is with them more (usually mom) to ask for things. If you want dad to take over, you may have to force the issue. If you are doing something and she asks for juice, say "go ask daddy please, I'm working" and if she won't go, just yell to hubby "honey, Sarah wants some juice, but I'm busy, can you please get it for her" and he needs to do it IMMEDIATELY! I think sometimes kids know "who" does for them...meaning both parents do for them, but they know mom stops and helps and sometimes dad's not there or if he's watching a game he waits until a commercial to help, etc. Mom's tend to be "on the ball". I would encourage hubby to take an active role with her...if she says she needs something, he needs to jump up, he needs to take her places she finds fun, without you, like to the park, library, movies, or for walks/rides in the wagon, etc. That will help. This really needs to be worked on before the baby comes, but certainly she will have to let daddy help once the baby comes.

good luck!

I made the mistake of doing everything for my girls. My hubby was/is a workaholic, so he wasn't around much anyway. When I went into the hospital, my middle one, 7 then, panicked at the idea of my not being there for them. When my husband brought the girls to visit me, my middle one announced, "Mama, Daddy DOES know how to do ponytails!" It changed the whole dynamic between him and our girls, and I learned NOT to be so efficient and let him do things for them when he was home. That's my story. Hope it helps.

Encourage him to spend TIME with her, even if at first she doesn't seem interested - she'll see that he is and it will start to work.

My daughter used to migrate to me because I spent the most time with her. Once my husband made an assertive effort to spend more time with her (playing, reading, giving baths, etc.) the tides turned. He did feel rejected at first, but saw a response from her quickly.

Tell him to hang in there and don't give up. Time will make all the difference!

I didn't read the other advice you've received, but I have twins who just turned three and a 2 month old. When I was still pregnant, my twins wanted me to do everything for them and they weren't very nice to their dad. I was also worried about how things would be once I had the baby, but it hasn't been a problem at all. I think it's because I was in the hospital and the twins had to get used to help from other people. Also, my husband takes them for donuts every weekend and puts them to bed sometimes. This has helped so much.

J.,

Not that it makes it any better but this is completely natural developmentally speaking. You can encourage specific Daddy-Daughter time 1-3 times each week. Even if it's just for 30 min. but Mommy should be out somewhere else. Let her have the chance to feel secure with just Daddy. If he's the only one around it will give her the opportunity to run to him first for conversation, comforting, and play.

Oh, I feel for you guys! We had this problem too, around the same age. My now 7 year old went through that phase a couple of times -both times it lasted quite a few months, too - that my son wanted me to do everything - get him dressed, give him a bath, read to him, tuck him in - everything. And my husband too is an incredible dad, so it was heartbreaking. The good news is it did eventually end - it seemed to just be some strange phase, and I have talked to numerous other moms who had the same situation. My son even shocked us when he was able to speak more and at I think age 4 said "Dad, you remember when I used to not like you? Yeah, but I really like you now." My husband just had to remember that kids do weird things, say weird things, and can't really explain their weird weirdness, so sometimes we just have to do our best not to take it personally.

As for not being affectionate, we have always had the same issue with that same child - he has never liked being cuddled, hugged, or kissed. I have to remind myself to respect his space, because I often want to walk up and just put my hand on his shoulder or rub his hair or something like that, and he always pulls away. It is nothing personally - you can tell that he really loves us - he just doesn't like to be touched and expresses his love verbally rather than physically. Some people are just that way, and we accept it from adults - we just always expect little kids to want to be touched and cuddled and held, but not everybody is built that way. Our second child is the total opposite - always all over you and wanting to be close to you. They're just programmed differently, and our challenge is learning how to respect that and not take it personally.

We had this exact situation with my daughter. we just made a deliberate effort to give her more daddy time. We moved her carseat so that it was natural for dad to buckle her in and and take her out, then she walked and held his hand. She sat by him at the dinner table etc. Daddy stayed sweet and it was never punishment, he gave her lots of attention but not in a pleading begging way. If she blew him off we ignored it, but we did not allow her to play me against him. If she threw a tantrum to have me over him then it was a deal breaker, I would walk away( once I had to leave the house) and dad would be her only option(to get her juice, or bed time etc.) I spent our time alone talking about how wonderful daddy is and how much she loved him. We NEVER ever talked about the fact that she rejects dad in front of her, just privately. We too had a new baby on the way, this actually helped because when mom was busy with the baby, dad was waiting to shower her with attention.
My daughter is 8 now, and we have recently told her about this behavior and she can't believe it, she is her dad's biggest fan.

I didn't read any other responses, but you both need to remember that children at that age are very attached to mommy. It is natural. As she ages she will grow into more of a daddy's girl. In the meantime, what can he do to start showing affection to her... it should come from the parent first and then the children resond. Not the other way around.

Dear J.:

Your daughter is being a normal 2-year-old. They latch onto one parent to the exclusion of everything. She's also caught on about the baby coming and is getting possessive with you.

You need to take yourself out of the picture ever so often. Arrange some father-daughter outings where you aren't involved. Don't give your daughter any say in the matter. If you think she's going to throw a fuss when they're trying to leave, then you leave earlier, quietly.

Also, don't do some of the things you're doing for your dauther now; have your husband do them. For example, Daddy is going to tuck you in tonight. Don't give her a choice of who she wants to do it.

This worked with my daughter. She quickly grew to love having daddy in charge of baths and tucking in at night!

L. F., married to my best friend for 23 years, and a 13-year-old daughter

I have had a similar situation with my husband and my son. He prefers me and will often snub my husband. We have "daddy time". My husband will take him to breakfast without me and at home I will go to my room to have me time and put him in charge. No matter what happens I do not emerge for 30 minutes. These times they spend alone has really helped to strengthen their relationship and my husband has more confidence in taking care of my son on his own. It is very important that you disappear because as long as your daughter can see you, then she will prefer for you to take care of her.

Hi J.
I did something really simple that helped our daughter change her perspective on showing daddy some love. When he gets home in the evening I say "DADDYS HOME" and get really excited and run to the back door. When he walks in he gets hugs and kisses from me. I tell him how excited I am to see him, really make a big production about it. It only took a few times and now when she hears the gargage door open she does the same thing. We "race" to see who can get hugs and kisses from daddy first.
If he isnt already giving her baths he might want to start that now. We bought a $9 bubble machine from babies r us and it "only works when daddy gives us a bath" He gave it to her and made a big production about it and now she LOVES bath time with daddy.
Good luck!

It is normal at that stage. Just reaffirm with your daughter that you love her. When you are feeding the baby talk about how much you love your daughter. Have her help you by giving you burp rags. I actually found a chair where I could hold my 2 yr old and nurse the baby. No it wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world but the connection that developed between the two kids was amazing. They are like twins now and my daughter who wanted nothing to do with her daddy now knows that daddy hung the moon.

When your daughter was young, were you the one
That always comforted her? Does she go to you
When she is hurt or upset? My suggestion is
Next time have her go your husband when she
Cries. My daughter would always come to me
For comfort, but we would make her go to her dad
To have him hold her, hug her etc.

My daughter went through the same thing. It REALLY bothered my husband. So, every time she go hurt (real or imagined), I said "Oh, wow. Go to Daddy. He'll give you sympathy." Then I returned to whatever activity I was doing. Others thought it was a little cold, but after a couple of weeks, she would go to either one of us for hurts, love, or whatever she was needing. Whatever y'all decide to do, you both need to agree and support each other. Good Luck.

Unfortunately you can't force affection...it's a natural emotion. The fact that you tell her to do it may be "turning her off" from doing it on her own.

I wouldn't worry about this. I think once the new baby comes along, and Dad and daughter spend time together that perhaps they otherwise wouldn't, it will come naturally and all will be well.

Best of luck,

K.

Sounds pretty normal. Our two year old daughter does the same thing and my husband usually just gives up with things because he feels that she doesn't want him doing it. Bedtime is a perfect example. She would prefer me doing bedtime; however, it is b/c I do it all of the time and that is what she is used to. However, I have made some strides with my husband convincing him through my daughter's tears that she would love for him to read her a story. I have him start the reading and I stand at the bed. After she gets engaged into the story, I leave. I hear a few crys at first; however, she eventually stops and listens to the story. I would just suggest continue to give your husband a lot of encouragement and try to plan father-daughter hours with just the two of them so that she feels comfortable. Good luck!

i know this is hard! it hurt my husbands feelings soo bad when my daughter went through this stage. I would feel so bad too! i know it is very common. And remember she WILL grow out of it.
i have loved a lot of the suggestions. For sure daddy needs to do bedtime or bathtime routine. daddy daughter dates are great too. let him take her to the park or somewhere she really likes. I know my daughter loves to get to ride in daddy's truck. That is a special treat.
one thing my doctor recommended was instead of saying daddy's leaving you need to give him a hug and tell him you love him. I would say daddy's leaving if you want to give him a hug you have to catch him! Then daddy should say good bye and walk out the door. She may be upset that she didn't get to give him a hug. But that puts the power on her plate.
keep at it! i know it's frustrating but it will pass! just don't push her too much cause then it's turning into a control thing. The more she is around just daddy the better!

Babies do this. They gravitate toward one and say, "No, Mama!" then they will graviate toward the other and say, "No, Daddy!" It is perfectly normal. So don't feel offended when she does transition to him because it WILL happen.

Things that can help:

He needs to scoop her up and take her places. Without you. Even if she acts like she doesn't want to go at first. Take her to playgrounds, McDonalds, etc. You will enjoy the alone time esp. once baby #2 arrives and it will really strengthen their relationship. Call them daddy dates and don't get involved in any part of it. Don't walk her to the car or buckle her in. Just sit at the table while he scoops her up and runs outside with her. The whole experience should just be the two of them.

When she says, "No, Mama!" and tries to run from him, he needs to chase her, tickle her, play with her and say the whole time, "No! Daddy!" over and over. This should become their game. My husband does this with our 2 year old (our 3rd kiddo) all the time and he loves it.

When your husband comes home (assuming the 2 of you are already at home) you need to be very excited yourself. YOu need to yell, "Daddy's home!" and run to the door. Every time. This will train her to run with you and be excited with you. And there is nothing better for a daddy than to be greeted at the door by an excited kid. So if you do it every workday for a month, you can guarantee that the day will come when you will yell, "Daddy's home!" and your daughter will already be at the door laughing and shrieking and hugging.

VickiS

Does your husband take part in daily activities like giving her a bath, fixing her dinner, putting her to bed, playing and reading to her, taking her on outings, etc? If not, he needs to begin taking part in these activites and when she gets used to him, let him take over some of them. I took care of my youngest, exclusively, from birth until 5 months because my husband would watch our older child while I took care of the baby. Our baby would have nothing to do with him until my husband started giving him a bath each night. That is how their close relationship began. Good luck and congratulations!

I know this is a stressful time right now, esp. having a new baby coming along any day. Don't panic too much about the way she's acting toward your hubby right now and esp. try to not let her see either of you reacting to it. My niece who is almost three has been doing the same thing with my brother in law (her uncle, not dad) whom she has always adored. It is just a phase, I promise. Ashlyn is finally starting to come out of it and is becoming more affectionate to him once again. Also, my 2 1/2 yr old son has started gravitating more toward my husband these days when we are together. It does hurt my feelings a little bit but I try to remind myself that he is a boy and they tend to want their fathers more around this age. Plus, we have a 4 month old girl so she is really needing me a lot right now so I figure that has a lot to do with it as well. Try to make a big deal about her helping daddy with the new baby and how she is going to be "daddy's helper." Also, when she is affectionate with him, praise her. Say things like "Mommy loves it when you are sweet to daddy" and "Daddy loves it when you give him a hug and/or kiss." I know it's tough but it will all work out, I promise. Take care of yourself, you have a big day coming up. Take care and congrats!!

J.,
It's typical for 2 year olds to favor mom. As dad continues to spend time with his daughter her affection for him will grow. Be patient and don't say or do anything to make your daughter feel guilty for not kissing or hugging daddy. My daughter is 7 years old and she adores her dad. She hugs him and sits with him but when she was 2 years old, she only wanted me! My husband takes her on little "dates" to have a treat or to eat breakfast or to play at the park. He is the dad I wanted when I was a little girl so I can understand how you feel. You will see that in time your daughter and her daddy will be very close!

We had this problem with our youngest son. It turned out that my son had a huge vision problem and didn't really "bond" with Daddy. I'm not saying this is your problem, but it made a huge difference with my son once we got his glasses.

I would suggest doing things together as a group and let him take the lead. You are there to provide her comfort and she has the opportunity to have daddy in the picture over time you may see that relationship blossom.

They will totally bond when HE is her playmate after the baby comes. They will be best friends like my older daughter and my husband. Don't worry....

Tell Dad to try not to take it personally. She probably comes to you because you are probably more available. All he needs to do is put more time in with her on a one to one.

It's probably not a bad idea for mommy to be a little busy now, so that Daddy has to do more for his little girl. This way when the baby comes she won't identify that you can't BECAUSE OF the baby and see the baby in a resentful way. Try telling her you are too tired, or you that you love her but you don't want to get up right now. Then let Daddy take the reins. If she throws a fit, hug and love her, but don't get up. Also, be careful not to blame it on the baby. This too shall pass! Congratulations on the new soon arrival!

I wonder if it would help if she saw you giving daddy (your husband) hugs and pecks on the cheek, or sitting on the couch snuggled with him. Since you are her world, perhaps if she hears you say "Daddy is so sweet - I love his hugs" etc. and make Daddy a priority when he comes home, etc. she will think "hey - maybe there is something special about this guy."

I would avoid saying things like "don't you want to give Daddy a hug too?" Just keep her out of it, so to speak. Make it about how special he is to you and let her see you express that to him regularly.

Just want you to know my 2nd daughter is the same way. She only wants affection and comfort from me. And both of my daughters have to be told to "say goodbye and hug" dad when he leaves for work or anywhere else, whereas if I leave both girls tell me to stay, hold on,etc.

But my husband seems to laugh it off and still has a good time horsing around with them. He can pick them up and spin around with them or swing them around like I can't and they love running to him for that.

Perhaps let your husband know that it is not a serious problem, and no doubt it will get better as long as you keep trying (without pushing it too much) :-)