"Father and Son Relationship

Hi L.,

Coming from a father and husband working two jobs, I can certainly sympathize with your (and your husband's) plight. On the weekends I have to cram in as much "daddy" time as possible. For the past few months I have been attending a "Daddy & Me" class and my daughter and I both love it! It gets us out of the house, away from mom (who can be a distraction) and lets us focus on each other. The instructor is awesome and the experience has really brought my daughter and I closer together. We initially tried a free demo class at the suggestion of a colleague and were immediately "hooked". It's called Peas in a Pod Music and the web address is peasinapodmusic.com (Instructor's Cell:###-###-####) It's very affordable and the QT that I’m able to spend with Ellie is priceless. Hope this helps...good luck!

L.,

This may sound harsh, but your husband sounds like he needs to grow up! To butt heads with a 3 year old is obsurd! And it sounds as if he has never been a daddy to him. Your husband should go to some parenting classes and perhaps counseling before it's too late to salvage the relationship and repair the damage he has done. I'm sure your sons rejection of his dad is just the result of feeling rejected by his dad. Kids will trust you, but if you reject them on a consistent basis, they will not feel safe with you. Your son sounds as if he is simply trying to protect himself from his father causing him hurt feelings. It's a defense mechanism to keep his little world safe, since his dad doesn't make him feel safe. There are usually free classes that people can take through the state agency, DCF (Department of Children and Families). Your husband was not prepared to be a dad and he needs to learn and quickly. "Parenting isn't for cowards" would be a great book for him too.
My prayers are with you.
Take Care,
T. (mom of 4)

Everyone has the areas that they are best working with. Some people are really good with babies, but not so good with toddlers or preteens, etc. Hubby may feel like he doesn't really know what to do with a toddler. His fear could be keeping him from really interacting. Or, like my own husband, he feels like he needs to be "doing" something at all times. He has issues with just taking time to play.
What I've found is that to get him to just take time to play with the kids, schedule it on the calendar. I put down a block of time that is mandatory play time. Nothing productive should be done. If he wants to get something done during that time, he must have the kids help and he must be interacting with them the entire time. I do not participate in that time block. Because I'm home with them all the time so I get plenty of play time.
Another thing is that some people just aren't very outwardly affectionnate. My 3 year old has always shyed away from affection. Hugs and kisses and saying I love you, etc. Come hard for him. Even though he's received those his entire life. He's almost 4 now and he now loves hugs, but only when he wants to give them, you can't request it. He would prefer to blow kisses.
Every once in a while you just have to step out of the picture. Go window shopping or to a movie or to hang out with some lady friends without the kids and give dad a chance to be a parent without someone waiting in the wings to come rescue him. Give him suggestions for how to interact with them. Set out some games or tell him about a park you like to take him to. Make some cupcakes and leave all the decorating stuff on the counter so they can do that together. Or make ice cream sundaes. Anything to get him involved.

My 3 yr old was like that with my husband too. My husband never got up at night with her since she was a baby. He would always say while you are breastfeeding or she wants you and then he realized how all of those excuses he made so he could sleep affected their relationship. I only noticed it when she was 19mths and I had my second. She wouldn't let my husband do anything. She would scream and cry for me. Unlke most people's advice I couldn't let her cry for me and not come. I always gave in for good or bad. But the difference was my husband knew what the problem was him. I pushed him to take her for bike rides while I feed the baby etc. She is now a lot better. She still prefers me for most things but she does love having her daddy around. I noticed it the most when my husband was gone for 2 mths in the army. She would tell me how much she missed him and would say she wanted to wish on a star that she wouldn't miss him so much. Fortunate for them he was discharged from the army because of feet problems and only missed 2 mths. Let him do stuff for your son. Take him to the park while you make dinner, go out for ice cream etc. But make sure your son knows that you still love him and want to spend time with him too. Even though my husband realized the problem his family said it was all me because I spoiled her so I had to do some pushing with him to improve the problem. Of course now that we have 3 kids she doesn't get as much attention from me and he picks up the slack. Good luck!

I have a three year old son as well and he prefers me for a lot of things. I think your son may be having a difficult time with the "shift" change. It may help to join in and make the transition easier. Be with your husband and son when your husband comes home for a while. Your son may feel a bit dumped by you when Daddy comes home. He may be a type of person who doesn't like change. Please be patient and don't force them together (as your son may perceive it).

God Bless you and your family,
A.

talk to your son and ask him why he does what he does. And reslly listen to him and believe him.

We're experiencing something similar although it isn't just one parent at any one time... my almost 3 year old DD gives Mommy only hugs and kisses and only wants Mommy to help her somedays... other days it's Daddy only! As long as she isn't rude about it... it's fine most times. As another post said, it is one of the things they can control and that's okay.
Of course, my husband has fed, changed and spent whole days alone with both of my kids (almost 3 DD and 10 month old DS) so the kids don't see only one of us as their caretaker. If this is the case, you definitely need to schedule Daddy time... ESPECIALLY since you have one of the way. You will so need that time when the baby comes and it will help with any jealousy issues that may arise.
You mentioned the carseat issue... in that case, sometimes we give in, and sometimes we explain that we're in a hurry and this is what is going to happen (or whatever the case is...) Sometimes we have to deal with a temper tantrum as a result of it, but we are the parents and we have to keep in mind that what we say goes. I'm a school teacher and am VERY cognizant of children who dictate everything to the adults in their lives... it starts off with little things and can escalate! If it isn't stopped now, there will be big problems with doing what an adult tells them to do in a school/similar setting later.
T. B.
Mom to Katie, almost 3 and Matthew 10.5 months

I agree with Karen G. Get out of the house, go out for girls night, get your hair done, nails done, whatever but get out for a few hours and leave your husband and son by themselves. Find something your son likes to do like go to the library or the park and then after you are gone, your husband can suggest they do that (I wouldn't mention it before hand because then he may rebel and say he only wants to do it with you). This way if they do go out together, right there, he has to let him put him in the carseat, etc and it can be a time for them to bond.
Try it!!

My son will sometimes say- "No- I want mommy to do it" and sometimes "No- I want daddy to do it" so most of the time we let him have it his way because it's no big deal. But if it's ALWAYS mommy and NEVER daddy then there's a problem. Unfortunately, it's not YOUR problem, it's your husband's so there isn't much you can do. If your husband isn't willing to take your advice and spend more one-on-one time with him then he will have to live with the repercussions. It would be great if they could find something special to do together that ONLY daddy does. My son has one of those little fire trucks that you sit on and push with your feet--- my husband grabs it by the bar in the back and zooms my son around the house on it. When he asks me to do it, I tell him I don't know how and he has to ask daddy. Also, when my son wants to stall being put to bed at night, he brings a book to daddy and climbs up on his lap and they read together. Your husband needs to find his niche with your son.

Precious L.,
I've read from : Karen & Lora response for you
& totally agree! Precious, about the only other
advice to consider is "Prayer". God know's your
heart & 'really is in control of Everything'!
He Does have the Best Plan for you as HE Love's
you & your family...even the precious child
you now carry.
What can you lose? and all to gain? ....
James Dobson has some good books
on children/relationships.
I'll be praying with you,trusting in the Lord,
S.

Have your husband spend as much time with him as possible, and YOU get out of the house and just leave them alone together! Go get your nails done or go grocery shopping. Do not tell your husband what to do....just let him figure out his own way to interact with his son. Do not criticise even if you don't agree (unless of course the child is in danger) with the way he does things. My kids went thru this "mommy" phase too....this is normal especially since you are the primary caregiver. Fathers interact differently with their kids than moms do,; this is why kids need a mom AND a dad! They get different needs met thru each parent. Encourage your husband, and do not allow him to withdraw from your son because of this phase. It's not about him, and it is temporary! My kids are teenagers and their dad died last week. They were closer to him than they were to me and they are grieving terribly...yet we had all those years together to cherish and he built their charachter to what it is today. They are great kids and I would say at least 80% of that is because of my husband. I am so glad I got out of the way and allowed them to form a great relationship!

Peace....K. G.

Here's two choices you have right now. Your three year old is at a stage where he wants to control his world. You just give in and let him control the little things, like who puts him in his car seat, or take the fun out of the control thing and realize that if he is going to give you a hard time about something, you might as well do it. Remember the phrase, pick your battles. Are they banging heads because they are too much alike? You can gently say "remember who is the adult" or" you like it when I do things for you too." I wouldn't call it "giving in". You do what makes your life a little easier sometimes. Is it worth the fight?

Also I've noticed that men have a little bit of a harder time adjusting to being parents. Men seem to define themselves by their job, not their parental status like we do. I think you will find that when you have your second, they get much more into it, just because they have to , and it is no longer unfamiliar ground to them. It took mine till the second to "get it" about being a parent. It's kinda like when you have one, and a SAHM, they don't have to change much about their lives. 2 kids means you are really a parent and you'll find they are much more active. I remember taking my first out to practice basketball, and baseball (although I know next to nothing about either sport) while my husband chilled out from his 'rough day' in front of the tv, which used to irk me to high heaven. Now he plays with them constantly and its second nature. ANd the worst part is, my oldest doesn't remember mommy playing basketball with him!!!!! Arg!
All kids are mommy centered. We are there most of the time. Relax in your "making" him give daddy a hug. It kinda sounds as if there are some control issues going on
with the whole household. And believe me, I was the same way with my first. I am giving advice from the experience of hindsight, not always first hand knowledge. But it's like I say to my kids, I want you to learn from my mistakes, not repeat them. So we used to do this, I would go up and give my husband a hug, and say "don't give daddy a hug; he doesn't want one". Almost every time my kids (and yes this happened with more than one child) came flying over to do something they weren't supposed to do. And my husband got a hug, Its not about the hug; its more about their controlling their world.
Good luck, girl!!

L.,

Your son seems to have more 'respect' for you than his dad. He looks to you as the care-giver because you are home with him more often. For your childs sake you need to leave him with daddy more often. There have been times in my 3 year olds life where I was home full time with him and he acted this way, always wanting mommy to do, mommy come see and almost to a point of shunning his dad. When I realized what was happening I explained that mommy and daddy loved him very much and that when daddy is home its daddy's turn to do and see and be. When he would tell daddy, "no, mommy do it" I would correct my son and say, "no, daddy is going to do it so mommy can do...get in the car or whatever". Sometimes he would whine and even do a slight cry but I didn't give in.

There have also been times that my husband is home more often than I and my son has acted this way toward ME - the dear precious irreplaceable MOMMY, yes it proved that your children will look more to the one caring for them at the most recent time. No matter what the home situation is my husband and I react the same way everytime he becomes more attached to one than the other. My son has gotten better over the years and although he still asked one of us (currently my husband who is home with him more often) to do more than the other he still shows 'respect'and love to me.