Healthy Self Image

I agree from Leslie. She needs to hear from you that she is beautiful inside and out. My husband is always complimenting my daughters, and I think that has helped immensely with their self-image. It gives them the confidence they need as they enter the teen years, which can be so challenging.

I have a 12yr old daughter as well. She makes comments as well. I hate my hair, I hate these marks on my face, I hate the color of my hair etc, etc. This is such a tough age for kids, and girls are so mean to each other as it is.

All you can do is keep reinforcing that she is a beautiful girl inside and out. Also, we as moms probably feel this way sometimes, so we have to be careful what we say in front of them.

Also, it is said that fathers are the ones that actually reinforce how a girl feels about herself. Maybe have her dad, or other male figure reinforce this for her.

Good luck. I have 2 more girls to go after this, so I hope to get better at reinforcing this.

I think in junior high everyone is trying to find themselves. I don't think this is much of an issue to be concerned about. I do realize that a mother's self image does affect a girl and her image. I would concentrate on the importance of smiling or being happy and having good grades. I have tons of friends because I smile and I know it is not because I put on my make up perfectly (because I don't wear any.) Go to the store with out make up or go into the front yard in your robe. Show her that no one really cares. I do have a friend who will not sleep without her make-up and her daughter has zilch for self-image and an eating disorder. I think it is important to show her as well as talk to her. I can remember when I was in junior high I had to have my makeup perfect and my hair done in hot rollers or the world would fall down. I would rather be happy now. My sister is very insecure to this day but she was raised to be very self centered. She always had to have the best and she got it. She can never be happy with herself to this day. My daughter who is 19 is very beautiful without makeup. She went through a phase where she had to have the thick eye make-up though. I think her phase lasted a little bit longer then usual because she had issues that she was dealing with at home. Got rid of the problem and got my happy baby back. Just some things to think about!!

As much as we want to shake our kids and scream "you are the most beautiful thing in the world!", even that can't compete with peer pressure! I feel your pain - it must be so hard to hear your daughter talk about not feeling beautiful because I am sure she is and just doesn't know it. Try to remember how you felt at this stage in life - even the most popular and beautiful girls felt this way at that age.
I would try to talk to her from a point of accepting that she feels this way and trying to help her through it, rather than trying to convince her to see herself the way you do. Ask her what it is about her appearance that she doesn't like that day or any day. This might give you a clue as to where these feelings are coming from. If it is something she can't change, like a facial feature or her figure etc. then she might need some help from a counselor to find the beauty in her that you see.
The smirk and the comment sound like she is convinced that you just don't understand her problem - she doesn't know you've probably been there at some point in your life too! With this kind of thing, I almost feel like you are better off trying to relate to her and take her problem seriously. Just saying "looks aren't everything" won't do much because she doesn't have the life experience to see that yet. Getting into a conversation about this kind of thing and showing her that your are taking her concerns seriously and that you are genuinely interested in helping her though this problem (even if you don't see it being an issue the some way she does) might help her open up to you more and that in turn should help you get to the root of the problem and where this is coming from. Is it just a case of normal teenage lack of confidence, or does she need more help with a self-worth issue?
Best of luck on this - I know it is a tough one!

Unfortunately, kids (and if we're being honest, adults too) feel so much pressure from their friends and how people perceive them.

If you're someone who lacks self-confidence or has a strong desire to fit into a certain group (something to which I can unfortunately relate), it is hard to alter that mindset.

My only advice would be to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with her and really find out what people are saying, what she doesn't like, what she would change if she could so you have a point of reference for where she's coming.

It took until after college for me to be genuine with myself about who I am and who I want to associate with personally. Hindsight being 20/20, there's so much I would change about my upbringing, but it took that experience, the trials and tribulations to get here.

The honest truth is that our world is very image conscious - many people do get passed-by for jobs because they aren't pretty enough or popular enough. Keep pressing on her to be authentic to herself and find what makes her incredible and unique so she can thrive in any of life's challenges.

I think the best way for a girl to develop a positive self image is by the example her mother sets. Do you make a big deal of the way you dress/look? Do you openly diet? Do you ever make comments about others appearance?

My 12 year old is the same way. I don't try to talk her out of anything...she only pushes back harder. I just talk about how it was the same way (because it was) when I was in middle school and how much that part of life is crummy, but that it does pass. Instead of trying to change what I can't, I just talk about my own experiences (I have a good memory concerning my childhood). And I have to be the meanie when that certain shirt isn't washed and oh well...you have to put on something else. And then remind myself of the raging hormones that are making her poor mind crazy and miserable as not wearing that particular thing right now IS the worst thing in the world for her...thank God for that. It's good what you are teaching...instead of looking for the instant effect, think of it as planting a seed for her future...at some point it WILL take effect.

The only thing you say in your post that does not just screem typical, dramatic, over the top 12 year old (they are almost all that way) is...to the point of interfering w/daily life. Do you mean that she is pain for your life? That would be one thing, and I would not let her rule the roost with her dramatics. If you mean that she is having trouble functioning at a expected levels when this non-functional status causes her concequences that do not change her behavior, though it would beneift her to do so, then you may have an issue that she needs help with.

Only you can decide if this is a typical drama, or one that has gone beyond that.

M.