Seeking Advice About Daughters and Self Esteem

Hi A.,
Let me just start off with I know what you're going through.My daughter thought she had to wear red lipstick...grandma told me she would grow out of it after about six and a half the red lipstick did but the primping stayed ....the make up got less and less and now at 14 and a half ....yea she is still primping but she were's very little make up.
I guess what I am saying is let her make herself up ..So she wants to be pretty like mom enjoy it.Ten years from now she wont care what mom thinks about what she looks like and you will have other things to worry about besides make up.
Good luck

A.,
I agree - some of the responses are being a bit harsh on you. I have a 20 month old daughter and have been trying to be very concious about praising her for character traits rather than beauty (although it's so natural to want to constantly tell her how beautiful she is!) I also worry that my daughter will pick up bad habits while watching me apply makeup and do my hair each morning. Like some of the other mothers have suggested, I've tried to pare down my "routine", especially on weekends - applying minimal makeup and spending less time styling my hair (I usually opt for a neat pony-tail on weekends to save time) so that she sees me spending less time "primping". Or if you're able to do so, try to apply makeup and do your hair when you're daughter is not around or while she is pre-occupied. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to look good. Just always try to be aware that she's watching you and likely wants to be just like her mommy. And try to talk to her about what is making her feel that she needs make up and curled hair to feel pretty. Remind her of all of her other wonderful qualities (how artistic she is or how wonderfully she's able to read a book or how fast she can run on her strong legs or how wonderful of a friend she is to the other girls at school, etc) and focus on those for a while - hopefully, she'll start to focus away from the makeup and hair. It probably won't happen over night but hopefully it will happen over time. I wish you the best of luck! Our society focuses so much on women's beauty these days (like praising celebrities that lose all of their baby weigh in 2 weeks and look perfect all the time) that it makes it harder to raise a well-rounded little girl. But with your support and encouragement, I think you can really make a difference with your daughter.

It is disturbing to me that you feel as though you HAVE to do your hair and make-up every day. How do you expect her to believe that she's beautiful without make-up and her hair done if YOU don't feel like you are beautiful without those things. Children soak up everything around them. They learn by WATCHING us. Telling her she's beautiful without hair and make-up, but not showing her that you are also beautiful without hair and make-up, makes you a hypocrite. Practice what you preach and take some time off of your own beauty regimen to PROVE to her that you both are beautiful without all the primping!

perhaps if you could not wear any make-up for a while it will help her understand. I stopped wearing make-up on a bet and found that i really don't need it after all. Now I only use it for special occassions. If adults were less obsessed with make-up then our children would understand natural beauty better. I think your husband is partially right...but tv and magazines don't help by featuring women with gobs of make-up and airbrushing. Your daughter picks up what you think whether you say it to her or not. If you can't leave the house without perfect hair/face, then she will follow suit. Just try doing your hair and make-up only for church for a while and explain to her that it is only for special. Lead by example and she is sure to follow. Also be careful what she's watching on television.

YIKES! These woman have been a little harsh. I wear make up every day too, and typically my daughter (age 2) is there watching me apply it. And every once in a while she likes to 'pretend' with mommy. She doesn't say she needs makeup, she just likes to be like mom. I think it's pretty normal.

But maybe some of the self esteem issues that are creeping up with your daughter might be stemming from things she hears you saying, even casually. So be careful not to say how you need makeup... (after all, we don't really need it, we prefer it- and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.) When my daughter is playing dress up with mommy we never make a big deal about it. We certainly never tell her the makeup looks pretty. We wait for other times to tell her she is beautiful. Her father is very good at this, too.

But as far as whether you should stop wearing makeup so your daughter will see you without, I personally feel moms sacrafice an awful lot of ourselves when we have children. There is no reason to sacrafice makeup and curling your hair too.

Wow! I didn't know that their were that many people/women in this area that didn't care about their apperance! I think that some of these women were being way to harsh on you for wanting to look good and taking care of yourself! I guess the question would be do you stress about looks in front of her? Do you reapply make-up throughout the day? Do you ever leave the house without make-up? I think children always try and replicate their mother/father and I would believe that it is normal for her to want to wear make-up but she needs to understand that make-up is for adults and for play time only! Good luck and keep your head up if your on this site asking questions then your more than likely a great and caring mother!

Why is a 5 1/2 year old allowed to wear make-up in the first place?!?!?!?

I don't see a problem with lip gloss - maybe try and get her a cute one with a character or something on it that NOT colored and see if she likes that.

I don't know how most of the other woman here do it - but I can NOT leave this house unless I am showered, hair blow dried, and I have makeup on. I am not vain, I don't think I'm hot sh*t, but - I always try and look my best.

I grew up with my mom always getting ready before leaving the house, and you know what - I was happy she did! Everyone should put effort into looking nice. I can't stand seeing people out with a bun, no makeup and pj pants in public!

When your daughter is older she will wear make up - and that's the thing she needs to understand - when she's older!

There's steps - that's what my mom did with me and I think it worked out. Regular lip gloss is a start and then move up as she gets older.

One more thing we did - have a mommy and me make up time! Take a day where you and her spend a while doing each others makeup and hair and have FUN with it! Let her know there's times when she can wear make up and times when she can't.

Just a thought!

ps - don't let these woman get you down - it's NOT a bad thing that you wear make up everyday. at all.

Little girls love to copy their moms and love to play dress-up even if Mom isn't one who fusses with her appearance. I'd tell her she's pretty when she looks more natural and have dad do that too, but I sure wouldn't make a big deal out of this. It will pass or at least come and go. It's not a permanent thing. Boys this age sometimes think they're a superhero. My 4 yr old grandson won't answer to his real name just now - he's Spiderman. They just try on being a grownup in various roles. Nothing to worry about. I don't thing you are to blame. It's normal. G. B.

your daughter is immitating your behaviors.

I do not wear make up. I do not curl my hair on a daily baiss. I dont know how you have time to do that every morning. I do wear makeup for special occasions.

I dont know that your daughters behavior means she has low self esteem..

she is just trying to be like mommy.

If you are vain.. your daughter will most likely be vain. you are her role model on how to be awoman.

Children copy their parents habits. If she sees you put on make up all the time, then she thinks she has to. That alone passes your vanity on. She needs to understand that you don't HAVE to do it, you choose to do it. Make sure she understands that it isn't because it makes you beautiful - call it what you want. Bottom line - you need to decide if you want her wearing make up (regardless of what it is) at her age. If you don't want to take the time to get her "all done up". If you don't want to then you need to be the parent, tell her no. Explain to her that she is already beautiful. Maybe change your routine so she doesn't see you doing it. If she doesn't know you are putting make up on, maybe she won't ask.

You get up and do your hair and make-up? I do on occasion but my 6 year old doesn't see me do it much. Do you let your husband see you without makeup and looking your best? Does she hear your husband tell you you're beautiful or be affectionate toward you even when you are not all dolled up? That could be very helpful. Does she hear your husband cut you down at all? Does your husband tell her she's beautiful? That's a very important thing. I never realized how pretty I was because my dad never told me so. Not because he didn't think so (I now realize) but because he didn't want me to think it was important, but I didn't know that until recently.

Sorry but I hate to tell you your husband is right. I don't know what industery, but you don't have to wear makeup to be successful. I am a sales representative and I don't wear makeup, I have a friend who is a very successful attorney, and again she doesn't wear makeup. You are presenting this issue to your daughter, my job requres me to be on the phone a lot, and my daughter who is 8 walks around with 2 toy cell phones, but not the makeup. She washes her face every day and is learning how to take care of her skis so she doesnt feel she HAS to wear make up. Our children learn from the example we set, yes we can say "Do as I say not as I do" all we want, but in the end if we as a parent are doing it, then they are going to do it also. Several years ago, my grandmother gave me one of those little throw pillows with a saying on it and I have taken it to hear with my own daughter, because no matter what our children are versions of us. What it said "Mirror Mirrow on the wall I have finally become my mother after all!"

Find someone to help you with your own self esteem and then maybe you can repair your daughters.

Actually, Moms don't "HAVE to" get up and do their hair and make up. Children learn by example.

from my experience.....the best way to tackle that problem is getting at the source of it. I know it is wierd but your babies know what you are feeling, most of the time even before you yourself know. I am still a work in progress with a VERY long road ahead of me in regards to finding things to fill me up inside so that the outside of myself is not such a huge thing.( i have a six year old beauty obsessed little girl too) lead by example is my advice. If you teach one thing and do another it is only a matter of time before they catch on. Good luck, i wish you and your daughter the best of luck because all though it may seem like a small probelem to some it truly is an uphill battle you are fighting with not only yourself but with you daughter. You have the media, peers and so many other things influencing her for the rest of her life. Give her a strong solid foundation to LEARN from and remember don't be blame yourself and don't let others either for EVERYTHING that she does or says! :)

I too think some of the moms were too harsh. I wear make-up almost EVERY day, and I am not a vain nor shallow person!! I think it is very normal for little girls to want to put on make-up.

I really don't think you have that big of a problem. Just make sure you let her know how beautiful she is without make-up and find her other interests so she does not only hve make-up to think about!

GL:)

I am the mother of 4 boys. The other day my 17 year old told me that he broke up with his girlfriend because she wore too much make-up, as does her mother and sister. It is too bad because she is very sweet. This is not what you want other kids thinking of your daughter. You are giving your daughter a very bad impression of herslf and society. I undertand that alot of things in our world are based on appearance, however, she is SO YOUNG to have to deal with this. I think that you need to seek help to see why you feel this way. Is this what your mother taught you? Leave her alone. As far as why you wear make-up, all you need to tell her is that this is what GROWN WOMEN DO - NOT CHILDREN! I am sorry if this sounds cruel but I really feel sorry for your daughter and wonder what is underlining these feelings.

I know this might not be the advice you're looking for but please read it... I wish you the best with your daughter.

You might want to take 1 day a week when you get up, shower, get dressed, wash your face and don't get all dolled up. Don't do your hair to the max, don't wear make-up, don't put on your best clothes. Pretend (in your mind) that your out camping and you don't have all those luxuries. Then take her out somewhere. Go somewhere that YOU'LL feel comfortable that you won't run into a friend (so that YOU'RE not self conscious about how you look). If you have to, go to a park or a mall that is an hour away. I don't think that you can teach her to be confident about herself with "words." I think you need to teach her by example.

Good Luck.

dont let your daughter think that you are not pretty without make up an go with out it sometimes

Wow, A.! I decided to respond to you because I feel that a woman does not HAVE to do anything in the morning. I go to work everyday feeling beautiful with nothing but a thin coat of powder and mascara, and nothing but a comb run through my hair. I am also a teacher who tries to instill self esteem in students every day.
I guess my suggestion would be to immediately stop the practice of allowing her to use make-up all together. Breaking the habit shouldn't take too long at that age. Also, does she get to see you "au natural"? How about for trips to the park, playing in the backyard, going to the grocery store, etc, ...places where you may not feel so vulnerable if you were not feeling perfected. I bet you are even more beautiful than you realize without all of your primping -especially in the eyes of your daughter :-) If she starts to see it as more normal/usual for there to be less make up and curling she may not think it essential for herself. As for your husband's logic, try to look at it this way...maybe he's thinking that since your daughter sees you doing it to make people love or accept you that she will have to do the same to yield those results. You may have to put the ball back in his court if he's not thrilled with an A. who doesn't have her hair and make up done 24/7! Good luck!!!! Also keep in mind this whole thing could just be me over analyzing...I think all girls go through a media induced make up frenzy. My 7 year old loves her lip gloss! We have had our battles over glitter vs. no glitter and light pink vs. hot pink!

A.,
I am the proud mom to a 7 year old girl and I am soon to be 47 years old. I am not sure of your age but I do know that as some women age their priorities change. What I am sayng is simply that you are the role model to your daughter and yes you are some of the reason for the daughter's esteem issue. I was once the type that was up early doing all the girlie things until I started seeing my daughter wanting to do what I was doing at the tender age of 3. What I started doing then was asking myself some heart-soul searching questions---does the make-up really help, what am I covering up, etc. I don't want my daughter thinking that clothes or make-up make you pretty---it is the heart that makes everyone beautiful. I wear blush and brush my teeth and hair and actually get to sleep in a little longer now. Society has our children growing up too fast and looking like little adults way before their time and with that comes so many more issues. Communication can do wonders as long as it's age appropiate but actions speak so much louder and is so much more effective as long as it's consistent.Good luck and I know you two will be fine.

A.,
The issue might seem to be about makeup and hair and your daughter imitating you, but it is really about her self esteem. Wanting to wear makeup is just part of what your daughter is saying about herself. She needs to understand where true beauty comes from, yes. But that is a state of mind that needs to be presented to her. If you were to go without being dolled up, that might be a good starting point, but she needs to see not just that you like the way LOOK naturally, but that you like WHO YOU ARE.
My husband and I always tell our children how great they are. How kind, smart, creative, funny, and talented they are. And we also tell each other these things in front of our children so they know that that is what is always most important. Other people can tell them that they're cute all day. But we are there to let them know that their character is what truly counts.
I am sure that your daughter will discover her true beauty with or without lipgloss.

Well. I'll share with you what I did. By any means Im no pro but my daughter is not vain nor is she concerned about her looks.
She is now 17.
My mother was anal about the looks and the makeup and the hair. I mean she couldn't walk out the door without taking 2 hours to get ready. She always looked good.

Now I went totally the other way. But my mom said I couldn't wear makeup until I was older. She always would tell me I was beautiful without makeup. I was 18 before I started wearing makeup. When My friends kept telling me I could be a knockout if I wore makeup... lol

So... First of all... the rule of makeup I used with my daughter was no makeup until your old enough which I let her have lip gloss when she was in 7th grade. So I started her slowly.
Yes.. she begged for it because all the other girls were wearing it. I dissagree with the make up because everyone else is doing it doesn't mean you need to copy.

Remember... I didn't want her worrying about her looks at such a young age. Have fun !

Now after she couldn't have the makeup she asked if she could get blond highlights.
I let her get the blond highlights in 8th grade.

I let her have makeup for High School which worked out perfect because then her friends helped to learn how to wear the makeup. (great bonding thing)

I also put strict rules on not too much makeup.
I paid for her to go to a specialist to learn how to apply makeup which she loved. It was at a day spa. They did a nice compliment (no excess... )to her skin tone.

Now she is 17 and runs out the door and Im the one saying. Aren't you going to do your hair? lol Makeup? She has the whitest skin... (my snow white girl)

She cracks me up. She reminds me of a college girl who wraps her hair all messed and goes about her day. Not caring what others think. Now that is what makes me happy ... she doesn't care what other people think.

I guess if you have fake makeup.... clear to play with... or have fun with but to go into public with eye shadow. I think it's sending her the wrong message.

She's 5 going on 6... do you think she'll even really care. She probably only cares because you care. I agree with the hubby. (Sorry)

Remember... don't put it on and tell her beautiful. You've just sent the wrong message. She had to have heard the word beautiful when makeup was on.

Tell her she is so pretty without makeup, and keep telling her. I was very confident as a kid and I know it is because my mom kept telling me my skin was perfect, and how beautiful I looked in the morning.

Build her self esteem without the makeup. Good Luck.

P.S. Trust me when I tell you.... makeup is only one of the obstacles you'll be faced with. Stay strong and stick by what you say. Girls are relentless.

Well... just one Mom's opinion and mine is 17 now.

A.,

I do not have a 5 1/2 year old daughter nor do I wear much makeup or do my hair, so I am winging my advice.

First, be careful what you say because we do not HAVE (LOL)to get up and do our hair and make up. You may want to (on the weekends) go natural (a little cover up and lip gloss) so she can see you are beautiful naturally!

Our little girls get insecure much younger now with all the supposed standards that a girl should follow. Tell her that even the models in magazines do not look like that, they are touched up. God made each of us beautiful in our own way.

I understand the stress though, before finding out the gender of our child I cried when I thought of the possibilty of having a girl...why because I do not wear makeup, nail polish, etc and I was afraid that I could not help her one day with that. In retrospect that was silly.

I recently read an article that says our children mimmic us. If we are on the computer all the time they pretend they are on the computer. If that is correct, your daughter is watching you "beautify" yourself in the morning and thinks that is how she needs to be beautiful. I would really consider going natural on the weekend. Point out other beautiful women that look natural.

We put some much emphasis on looks, it is a shame.

Keep us posted, I am interested to see what happens.

Maybe your husband has a point. Nobody HAS to put make-up on every day! If you have problem skin, a little foundation may help. On your day off,(if you work outside the home) try having a NO make-up day. Tell her this is the way GOD made you. If that's the face he gave you, it must be right. GOD doesn't make mistakes. As soon as you are more comfortable with who you are, she will learn by your example. (I work with the public in my job, and never wear make-up. It sure has simplified my life!) And, that old cliche` really is right....True beauty comes from within.

Have you been on the Family Life website looking for advice before? It is a wonderful resource to parents. I just went on for you and typed in "little girls appearances" in the search bar and this came up. It's actually some advice for DAD.
My personal advice to you would be:
* Pray for Wisdom
* Don't put yourself down in front of her when talking on the phone or to your husband.
* When you pay her a compliment choose to make it about her character rather than her appearance (as you said, our appearances change)
* Remember that you are her primary example of beauty. She will watch you and learn. Have you read Proverbs 31?
* My four year old will say things like, "Now I look pretty don't I?", after I put her hair in pig tails. I tell her over and over again that she was beautiful before that and that God made her beautiful and he looks at our hearts. We really focus on what's in the heart as being "ugly" or "beautiful". I LOVE LOVE LOVE WHAT ANDREA SAID ABOUT GOING PLACES "AU NATURAL". I HAVE LEARNED TO DO THIS AS WELL.
*Lastly, ask her to pray for you as well.
It is so hard to live in a culture where we are scorned and mocked for growing old. I think that with age comes wisdom and it's a shame to see an old lady with wrinkles that has "spider eyes" and a bunch of blush and lipstick on her face. I wonder when and how I will "fazeout" my makeup routine. Know that you are not alone A. and I will pray for you. (:
*Oh and to your husband, read some of these amazing resources. What you say to your daughter carries FAR more weight than your wife wearing makeup. She needs to know that YOU think she is special and beautiful. A daddy's opinion matters most to a little girl. (:

10 Things I Want My Daughter to Know
By Annie Chapman
Annie Chapman highlights 10 essential truths for godly living and how you can share them with your daughter.

Read Guarding Our Daughters' Moral Purity
by Dennis Rainey

Secret Keeper Girl 10 Ideas on How to Be Your Daughter's Daddy
Dan Bolin

Daughters are great. I love it when one of my daughters puts her hand in mine, when she hugs so tight my neck hurts, when she crawls up onto my lap, or when she whispers a secret in my ear.

There are no perfect daddies. We are all busy, we all say the wrong things, and we all struggle trying to know what in the world to do with our daughters. We were never little girls.

Our daughters need us to teach them what true love and affection really are so that they will be able to recognize the counterfeits when they appear. They need to know that they are special. This can happen only as they become a priority in our lives. We have a responsibility to protect, direct, and correct their lives and to do it in the most loving, strong, and joyful manner possible.

The worth that your daughter sees in herself will be derived from the image that you project to her, and that takes time. The only quality time that you will enjoy with your daughter is what flows from the quantity of time you invest with her. I hope that this article gives you a lot of ideas that work as you become the very best daddy your daughter could ever have.

Kiss her mother in her presence.
Leave her a note or present where she will find it when you are out of town or not home when she goes to sleep.
Compliment her character and skill three times for every one compliment on her appearance.
Hold her when she cries.
Tell her Bible stories.
Look through a clothing catalog and explain to her what is becoming on a young lady and what is not.
Pray for her future husband.
Help her clean her room.
On your own, read The Blessing by John Trent and Gary Smalley, Little House on the Freeway by Tim Kimmel, and Point Man by Steve Farrar.
Give her a children's Bible with her name on it.

Your daughter is following the example you set. I am a beautiful woman, and I definitely don't wake up in the morning and curl my hair and put make-up on!! My daughters DO like putting on lip gloss and blush and glitter...they love painting their nails...but because they think it's fun and pretty, not because they think it is necessary to make them pretty! Maybe you should try to NOT wear make-up and get all done up, if your going to just be at home for instance. Your daughter will see a more natural, and different side to you. And it might be refreshing for you as well? I'm sure you are just as beautiful without make-up as you are with it. :)

after reading all the other posts' i would say don't get down on yourself for wearing makeup and doing your hair, i understand that is just the way some women are...not me but ok for others ;-)
what you should convey to your daughter is that makeup is for adult women, and is inappropriate for young children.
maybe let her pick out some fancy chap stick or lip gloss and some fun hair ties or head bands.
you don't have to tell her that these things are bad, but do let her know that she doesn't need them to be beautiful.
(and same goes for you beautiful!)

I would sit her down (maybe get some books) and explain that real beauty is on the inside. That makeup and curls do not make us beautiful. She is beautiful by how she acts. I would also simply tell her that little girls do not wear makeup.

I have a 4 mos old girl and 4 year old boy. his little girl firends are all into this princess stuff and while I liked playing barbies and watching Disney movies it is kind of scary to me. There is no Prince Charming that is going to come save our girls. This generation of women needs to be raised strong, with self worth that goes beyond their outward appearance and know that they can work hard and have whatever they want and/or need. I wish Disney would make a movie with a female, doctor, lawyer, business woman, anything....other than a girl waiting to meet some "prince".

Don't let these other women make you feel down on yourself! Who cares is she likes Princess stuff?? She's a little girl, they are supposed to play and imagine and dream! Are little boys not going to be allowed to play with Pirate toys because they can't grow up to be swashbuckling pirates? NO.

I put make up on every day too. I don't feel like I have to, but I LOVE to do my makeup and hair routine. I enjoy it. If you like it, continue on. Just explain to your daughter that only grown ups wear make up and she can wear it (if she wants) when she's grown up.

Maybe get her some cute hair clips or some bonne belle chapstick so she feels special too. Tell her it's fun to put on makeup but she's pretty because she's smart, funny, etc.

I think the way that you present your issue tells a lot about the impression that your daughter is getting about hair/make-up. I'm not one to put on make-up and do my hair every day. I do it on ocassion when I want to make myself feel 'put together' or when going out or having guests, but it is not something I feel that I must do every day. It sounds to me that you feel you must do it every day, and you probably do. Maybe because you work in a professional atmosphere? Children follow the examples we lead for them. Perhaps you could go a day or two from time to time without wearing make-up and see what your daughter thinks of that. Like, on the weekends or when you don't have to work. I have a 4 year old daughter and she's really into the make up. I let her put it on whenever she wants but I told her that it's not appropriate for her to go out with it on. Therefore, we make sure it gets washed off or wears off before we head out. I'm pretty sure she understands that make up is for teenagers and adults but sometimes that message needs to be reinforced, especially when the kids are playing with Bratz dolls which totally contradict the message we want them to get.

she learned it from you. that is to say she has watched you do your thing every-day since she could make the association ! since you have put sooo much into the fact that Mommies HAVE to put on makeup(and her Mommy is THE BEST) she has learned -already- thats what the social norm is at your house. Now If you could maybe one day just get up and wash your face pull your hair into a pretty pony and run with it she will see that that is OK also, I hope I did not sound too harsh, I hope you both can get to seeing how beautiful you are in the way you were made, not the made up way
^_^

She does take some of her cues from you. You need to be comfortable with how you look without all the goo, if you want her to do the same. My daughter won't go ANYWHERE without hair and make-up because that is what she saw from her mom. I didn't get her until she was 10 and the pattern was already set. You can't expect to "have" to do hair and make-up before you leave the house and not have her feel the same way you do. I almost never put make-up on and I was one of those girls who "had" to have it! I learned that beauty does not come in a bottle or curlers. If your husband loves you without the make-up and stuff, why worry????

Hi A.-

It's not your fault, girls look up to their Mothers and Grandmothers to see the morning rutines and how things go. o when she sees you doing these things every morning she thinks that's what she needs to do to. However, I do know that shows like Bratz and That's So Raven even Hanna Montanna influence this same morning ritual (hair, make-up etc)
My 5 1/2yr old daughter also became this way from hearing my Mom speak of a flabby tummy or wrinkles, Lindy even says she doesn't want to get old because she'll have wrinkles like Grandma!
I know it's hard but I do curl Lindy's hair most days but no make-up for school only special occasions. Maybe take her to get her nails painted so she's set apart from other girls or feels special:) Good Luck

Have you thought of not doing the stuff yourself? By saying that you have to wear makeup to be beautiful is teaching her that you have to do those things, I dont always wear makeup to work..(try moisturizer, chapstick and curling your lashes...maybe sneak on some gloss once you have left, that is my normal work makeup!)Makeup does not make you beautiful. I think that is she sees you not wearing it so much then she will understand, maybe have your husband comment to you in front of her how much he likes you with out the makeup.

Get everyone on board with you! Tell everyone you want to try this out (and see if it works). Hurry out of the house telling her that you do not have time to "do her up" (maybe go "natural" too) before a family get together or a play date (somewhere where you can go where there are a lot of people who will work with you on this). Then have every one you come into contact with tell her and you how pretty you and she are. She needs to know that she is pretty without it. She maybe imitating you (my 4 year old son used to put on make-up too when I did, now he puts it on me instead!), but she must be getting these ideas somewhere else? Older school girls, tv, sitter, etc...Good luck!!

Hi A.,

The fact that you are asking this question shows that you are concerned about your daughter's well-being and that's a very good thing! Yes, we lead by example for better or for worse. My daughter is 11 and has no interest in make-up even chapstick! She combs her hair and washes her face every morning. I wear foundation, powder and lip gloss almost every day because I like it! The bottom line is if you feel good about yourself with make-up on (and without make-up), that's all that is important. The message is we feel good about ourselves so we want to look good (this is healthy self-esteem) not we "jazz" ourselves up to look good so we feel better about ourselves. Follow your heart. It won't lie to you.

Peace...

Hi A.,

I'm not going to berate you for what you do with your own skin. I will give you advice from the pov of someone with a degree in developmental psychology and tell you what I think is going on.

I think that you might want to change your tactic a bit. You're almost there by telling her that she's already beautiful, but don't tell her that "moms get up and do their hair and make-up because [we] HAVE to." That's instilling the idea that somehow, as moms (and as adult women) that we are flawed and therefore "need" to put on some external thing to make us beautiful. Instead, remove the colored lip gloss, eye shadow and other make-up from her entirely, since little girls are supposed to bed little girls, and explain that wearing make-up etc. is a special rite of passage and a privilege for big girls who are turning into grown up ladies. (Then pick some arbitrary age where she'll be able to have that privilege and gradually.) Unless she is doing pageants, it's Halloween, or she's acting, there's no reason for a five year old to have make up on, and of course only for those events. It not only ruins her skin, it also gives her the wrong message about make up and may lead you down a slippery slope of dealing with other issues later. Show her other things about herself that have nothing to do with appearance that make her beautiful--how kind she is, how good a friend she is, her ability to...(whatever thing(s) she's really good at), her imagination...etc. etc. Those are the things that make us beautiful. (Beauty is as beauty does.) Mama might even want to set an example or two and skip doing your make up in front of her, then she won't want to copy what mama does. (Playing dress-up is one thing, but should be in the context of pretending. But from your Q, it sounds like she wants to wear makeup-type things all the time.)

Good luck with it. I hope that it all works out for you two.

My daughter is almost 5 and she's the same way, but like the previous poster, I don't wear make up or curl my hair and all that time consuming stuff to keep us women folk busy. So she doesn't get it from me. I think she gets it from school, and what little exposure that slips through the cracks of my conscious effort to keep it from her. i don't let her watch commercials cause no matter what it is, she thinks she needs it cause that's what commercials do! they make you think you're not good enough so you have to buy something to fix it. That's why you wake up early and do all that, cause our society tells you that you're not good enough as you are. So even if you don't talk about it with her, she's still getting the message that girls and women must make sure they are attractive at all times or they won't be accepted. It's sad, cause I didn't feel like this at 5, but our culture wasn't so laced with the poisonous beauty industry. You know make up can cause birth defects? that's nice, huh? They don't care about us they just want money and they'll break us down and they'll start in on our daughters so they can have a whole new generation of suckers to exploit. Unfortunately, the damage has already been done to our daughters at such a young age, and even if we ourselves don't encourage it, as long as they're living in America, they'll see women rewarded for their fake painted faces and their unnatural hair, so they'll do it anyway. Do what you can to shield your kids from our world of media. that means don't watch adult tv at all when they're around. that means don't buy glam-slave magazines and let them lay around for them to see. Don't comment on another woman's appearance around them. Talk about women's accomplishments and skills and show them that women have more value than the way they look. Don't do any of your beauty routine in front of them, only hygene like brushing teeth and hair. Don't just tell your daughters they look pretty when they're all dressed up, tell them you like their outfit even if she's wearing pants and a tshirt. I'm especially pissed about my daughter feeling like this, since I've gone to great lengths to prevent it, but like other things I don't approve of, she's gotten it from other people that don't have to deal with her self esteem issues. Start emphasizing her intelligence or her creativity or something that will bring her some fulfillment, because the pursuit of beauty in this culture is brutal and inhumane and she will never be happy if this is her only aspiration. Does she like the Disney princesses? cause if she does and you allow her to have that stuff and watch those movies, you are indoctrinating her into a life of emptiness. Princesses don't exist in this country, yet most little girls want to be one when she grows up. So we're encouraging our daughters to aspire to being someone who's only contribution is to look pretty and undernourished and to always be available to men in case one of them is a prince, and they won't even get the title princess, they'll just be called a trophy wife. Princesses have to marry some older guy they don't even know, and most likely don't have much opportunity to find their own happiness. That's the reality, but our culture allows these people to take our daughters minds hostage and tell them lies and make them think that being a princess is the best thing in the world. They can't even be one, but spend much of their childhood thinking they will be one day. That's what's wrong with this world, finally women have some power and we waste all this time and money and energy worrying about our looks even when we're not models or actresses that at least have a reason to invest time and money into the practice of unnecessary beauty routines. We need to get out of the bathroom and into the boardroom! We need to save this world from the psychopathic men that have been ruining it for some time now. But no, we're still acting like princesses and passing this disease down to our kids, while telling them at the same time they can be anything they want to be. Yeah they can be anything they want, as long as they look good doing it right? You don't HAVE to do any of that stuff at all! NO ONE has to do it, if you brushed your hair and washed your face and walked out of the house, you would look just as beautiful as your daughter. You're just being brainwashed into thinking it's required. I don't do any of it and I still manage to have a normal life, including a loving husband that is attracted to me, and loves me and thinks I am beautiful. I use deoderant, toothpaste, soap, and lotion on my dry skin and chapstick if my lips are dry. That's the extent of my personal care products. It's very affordable and doesn't keep me in the bathroom for hours a day. if i was a model then yeah i could see doing all that. But that's not my job, so I don't use their equipment. My equipment is dishrags and mops and brooms and diapers and sippy cups. And before that it was working in an office setting. again, no need for makeup, cause I wasn't there to look pretty for my coworkers. I was there to do my job. And if I look pretty while I'm doing it because I happen to be pretty, then great! But we don't need to go out of our way, we already ARE beautiful!
i wish you luck with this issue and hope that our daughters don't end up half as messed up as us and can actually spend their time doing things that need to be done. Take a look at her environment and take away the things that are telling her these things, and watch your words with her. Build up her confidence in other things. If it's already too late and she already has Disney princess stuff and barbie stuff and all the other toys they make to limit our daughter's imagination, then start balancing it out with toys and books and things to play with that will nurture her mind and give a chance to feel good about herself without someone telling her she looks pretty. Do activities with her that have nothing to do with improving appearance and everything to do with having fun, getting dirty, learning about nature, mastering a puzzle, or anything that has to do with being a KID and not a WOMAN primping for a date. She needs see that beauty has nothing to do with makeup and curling irons and everything to do with truth and love and things that happen naturally. If she needs to create beauty in her life, hand her a paintbrush and some paper.
Also, something that seems to work for me a little bit is saying to my daughter that dressing up and looking nice is for special occasions like holidays, but for everyday we don't dress up cause we have things to do. this gives her an outlet for this on those special days when it's appropriate to wear a dress and put a barrette in her hair, but i always bring a change of clothes so she can play with her cousins. So she at least knows the difference between everyday practicality and occasional adornment. Little girls need to tumble around and play just like boys, so why should they have to limit themselves by wearing a skirt or having their hair a certain way that will get messed up? Save it for Easter and Christmas and even Mother's day, but show her that she has better things to worry about the rest of the time.

The following is a headline about a report released by the American Psychological Association on a study conducted recently about women's and girl's self esteem.
I would suggest all mothers go to this link and read this report. It addresses the many layers of a larger problem that this issue is surrounded by.

SEXUALIZATION OF GIRLS IS LINKED TO COMMON MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS IN GIRLS AND WOMEN—EATING DISORDERS, LOW SELF-ESTEEM, AND DEPRESSION; AN APA TASK FORCE REPORTS:

http://www.apa.org/releases/sexualization.html

I admire your honesty in your question, so I hope you don't think my answer is harshly point at you. I think it would be awful for you to tell your daughter that adult women have to wear makeup and have elaborate hairstyles. As someone else mentioned, we get enough of this from our culture. Your daughter's sense of worth should come from her accomplishments and talents and abilities, not from feeling like girls are objects to decorate the world (and women are sex objects). Of course her ideas about who a woman is are going to come from you. My one year old already sits with me in front of the mirror and wants lip gloss on (and I paint her toenails). She doesn't see daddy do that. But it is my job to rolemodel qualities other than physical beauty and vanity.

Hi A.,
I read a few of the responses. I have an eight year old daughter. I am concerned about self esteem issues all the time. My daughter and I recently went to a conference "Girls Matter". There were separate workshops for girls and parents to help deal with different issues. My daughter and I benefited from this conference. Girl empowered is the group that holds different workshops. They are hosting a mother/daugher workshop on April 29. They are also hosting a camp sampler May 4 which will include a parenting workshop that will give you 30 ways to empower your daughter. Visit www.girlsempowered.com if this is something that you might be interested in. Good Luck!

My father used to tell me I was pretty, etc., but every time he saw a woman he commented on her looks, and with sharp criticism if they were flawed at all. So the message I got was that it mattered a lot what women looked like. Both my parents felt it was not something I should be worried about. My mom even avoided Barbies because she thought they promoted the wrong values. I grew up in the 60's/70's and women were being liberated from sexual stereotypes! But despite any efforts my parents made, the message came through to me loud and clear. Compound that with societies input (Twiggy was big when I was a pre-teen), and I have dealt with real body image issues all my life. My point is, its much more than what you say to her, its what she sees and hears, and absorbs. And its a bit of simply who she is, too. It makes me very sad to hear that she's concerned about her looks at such a young age, and I think you're right to pay close attention. Is she a perfectionist in other ways? I don't really have advice. My own daughter is so well adjusted that way! (She's 9) I imagine I had something to do with that, but I couldn't say exactly what. Likely its even more her dad if my experience is typical. I try to compliment her on a good choice of colors, or her hair looks nice that way rather than say, "You look pretty". Anyway, I would suggest paying attention to what she hears and sees. From all people in her life, really. If you suspect she's a perfectionist, its worth educating yourself on it. Its not a problem if we strive for excellence, but its bad if it stops us from trying because we know we can't be as good as we "should". There are some good books about it. If you want the names, let me know. Oh, and lastly, its no one's fault. I didn't notice my dad did that until I was 40 years old. It wasn't his fault, it was just the way our world's meshed. Had he known, he'd have been more careful what he said. So don't feel bad or try to find out why so much as try to make changes that can empower her to love herself. She's lucky to be so loved by you and her dad!