He Says No More, but I Still Want Another Baby.

DO NOT GET YOUR TUBES TIED GIRL!! If he doesnt want another child (which is totally fine) then he should get a vasectomy. My husband got one because he defiantly did not want another child. I have three children and I am 32 years old. If you are meant to have another child, you will. Let God handle it and dont worry so much. DO NOT GET YOUR TUBES TIED!

My husband never really wanted any kids, so our daughter was a kind of compromise. He has said she's IT, no more, but I would like another. He knows this. However, I don't want another NOW, so the issue will remain dropped until I urgently want to start trying for another. And that may never happen anyway. So until that day, I will not let it bother me.
That's what I recommend for you. Just drop the issue for now. I think if you keep beating a dead horse right now he may become resentful and think that his feelings and opinions don't matter to you. Not to mention, that guys are moody! They say WE'RE moody, but please, guys are just as bad, and they tend to take it out on us, especially when pressured, whether by us or work or whatever. So don't sweat it! Just enjoy your boys and your life right now. Too much worry about the future can make you lose sight of all the positive things in your life today.
In the meantime, get an IUD. They are great, long-term (5 or 10 year), low/no side effects. They are also easy to remove if you do change your mind. YOU ARE STILL YOUNG. There is still plenty of time for your DH to change his mind, or you for that matter, who knows. Then, if the IUD runs out and he STILL doesn't want kids, tell him he has to get a vasectomy. Tell him your doctor said you were an "unlikely candidate" for tubal ligation or something. ;) If he's willing to get himself snipped, then he REALLY is finished and there's nothing you can do to change his mind.
But for now, don't worry about it!

Don't you dare get your tubes tied!! If anyone is going to become sterile, it's going to be your husband, since he is the one who doesn't want any more children. Besides, a vacsectomy is a much easier procedure than having tubes tied. With all of that said, I don't think either one of you should become sterile for many years. You are so young (and I assume your husband is also very young), and maybe he will come around and change his mind after all. But it might take a few years. You didn't say how old your twins are, but I am assuming they are very young, like age three or under. Maybe your husband feels the boys are a huge challenge right now, since they are so young. But when they get older, taking care of them will become much easier, and maybe then your husband will reconsider having another child. Maybe when they start kindergarten, it will be perfect to have another child since you won't have any kids to care for all day long. Again, do NOT get your tubes tied. That is way too much of a sacrifice for you!

Hi B......You don't mention how old your twins are at present. It could be that your husband just needs time to adjust to being a dad and having twins the first time can be rather daunting. So, if they are tiny, I would give him some time. I would think twice about having your tubes tied. If your husband is TOTALLY convinced that he doesn't want children AND if you can in your heart agree with him....I would let him be the one to have a surgery because it is a much simpler operation, and cheaper, for the man than for the woman. But, in the end, if YOU want another child, than I would certainly put off any permanent decision until a later date. You never know, he may change his mind in time. Just kind of drop the subject for a bit and maybe it will work itself out.

And, while I hope you can work this issue out, a lot of things can change over the next 15 or so years. My first four children were born during my first marriage...and my ex had a vasectomy (he hadn't really wanted any children but that is NOT what caused our divorce)...then 4 years later we got a divorce. I remarried and had three more beautiful daughters when I was 36, 40 and 42. I All normal, healthy, smart, beautiful babies who have enriched our lives tremendously. Our "baby" was 18 on Saturday...hard to believe my youngest is all grown up now. Boy!...I am so glad I didn't get MY tubes tied when my husband wanted me to do it.
N. C.
East Texas

Have you thought of counselling? Not because you have a huge problem, but just to increase and strengthen your relationship. If not counselling, what about Marriage workshops at church? If you don't belong to a church it might be time to find one. Fellowship Church and Irving Bible Church are great. They usually have marriage workshops that enhance your relationship... marriage is a lot of work and lasts a very long time, so work is needed to help keep it in shape!

I would not go for the tubal ligation at this point. You can wait. You both need to practice birth control, not just you.

Remember how people say we should talk about these things before we get married...and we seldom do.:) People also think marriage is supposed to be 50/50 and it's not.:) In this situation he loses if he agrees you can have another baby. You lose if he says no. Either way you are both unhappy...he because you want another and you because he doesn't...that doesn't sound like a win/win for either of you, right? If you have not sought out professional counseling yet, please do. Many are ashamed at thinking they need counseling but the truth is you are very strong to get counseling when you need it. A counselor could help you develop clarity for yourself as to why you want another baby....and there is nothing wrong with wanting another! but....if the reason you want one more is to fill a void in your life that is about something else....like maybe this time he will be happy I am pregnant...then that isn't fair to you or another baby. Counseling could also help him understand why he feels like he wasn't ready to have your two precious sons and how it hurts you when he talks about not being ready.
Recently I read something about what you tell your daughter about boys and the advice was "pay attention to what they do and not what they say"....this case I think is one of those perfect examples...he says things that he doesn't realize that hurt you like he could have waited to have kids...yet, his actions say that he loves the two beautiful sons...that he could have waited for:)....and he is there and loves them and loves you...his actions speak a very different story. Sometimes we forget to give them credit for the BIG things they do like provide a living, love us, be home with us, enjoy the kids, etc...and we focus on the little things like him saying from time to time he wish that you and him could have waited to have children....love him for the BIG things he does and forgive him for the little things...it will make for a wonderful marriage for many years to come as you both grow up and grow old together....and who knows once he understands why he feels the way he does and why you feel the way you do...he might change his mind about another baby....but you might also change your mind about wanting one.
Be kind to one another thru this process...sending you love and good thoughts from someone who has been married much longer and has been thru many compromises:)

Women have hormones that scream "make a baby" and men don't understandbut If your husband is "done" you need to honor that BUT if HE is DONE then HE needs to get a vesectomy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Getting your tubes tied is much more of a surgery than his vesectomy. My husband had it done and it was easy.

I wouldn't tie my tubes. It's never your "fault" if you get pregnant---last I remember the hubby has to participate also. You are very young to make such a permanent decision. There are other methods of birth control available. If hubby is THAT serious, he could take of the matter himself.

BTW, having eight children, I know I'm considered a bit extreme. But I could NOT imagine life without any one of them. They are the best thing I've ever done. If you want more children, I would patiently and kindly stand your ground.

B.,
Congratulations on your two boys. It is so hard when you and your husband have different life goal--especially when it comes to big things like children. Don't put your fulfillment on having kids, though. Kids can't fill a void and add to your fulfillment. Think about that, do some reading, maybe even go see a counselor. To be the best mom you can be, you need to be the best person you can be. Good luck.

L.

B.,
Be happy with two healthy babies. With the world like it is two is plenty. You have to think about your time with them, their expenses like college, the state of our world. Its a blessing to have 2. We are so overpopulated as it is and people are not thinking of the consequences for our children in the future. If you both don't agree on it , it would be a good idea not to. Be thankful and put all your energy into those sweet twis

Lots of advice has been given.
How old are the twins? *oops just read the age* Still little and very dependent. Did your husband say why
he did not want another baby?
Do not do anything as permanent as tubes getting tied in
you emotional area at this time. That is a big step, needs
2 weeks to heal *means he has to do everything* or more,
and reversals are just as invasive *hospital stay of a few
days**andd same time frame to heal up* and may not work.

I would have one last talk with him, telling him how his
comments make you feel. Be honest. Ask him why he does
now want another child. Then set a time frame to wait it
out and see if things change before doing anything
permanent. Maybe in a year things will more calm, or your
license and new job will relieve some of what he may
be feeling *money* so he may think about another.
Birth control is a 2 way street. He needs to consider
using a condom if he does not want another. At the end of
the time frame, if he is adamantely against another child,
then he gets his tubes cut. For a male, they go in, and
go home on same day, they are tender for a few days *no
heavy lifting* and that is it. They can also get a reversal
cheaper, quicker and more chance of success.
Be prepared to have like a 2 year time frame. If you do get
pregnant inthat time frame...he is at fault too...again
birthcontrol is not only for women.
Talk about birthcontrol to. Decide what is out there.
The pill, the shot, iud...maybe best way to go as those
you can stop.

Twins are a big handful, to have 2 of em going....the
fun of their play, their laughing...
Till the time period ends...enjoy 2 rambunctios boys.

I feel your pain. My husband was very similar; he wasn't sure he ever wanted kids. Once we had our first baby he didn't want another, but he was happy he had a baby... I really pressured him into having another, and he was happy we had our second. He didn't want them, but he's happy they are there pretty much sums it up.

One thing that helped us overcome hard feelings was honest communication. I told him how much the things he said hurt me. Perhaps if you tell your husband how hurt you are that he says he could have waited he'll start to see your point of view. I don't have any advice on getting him to see the light and having another baby. As I said, I really pressured mine into it. I didn't trick him, but he was very unhappy about it. Now his little girl has him totally wrapped around her little finger, and he wouldn't have it any other way. I'll pray for you and your family.

B., you have two healthy boys and a husband. Why isn't enough to fulfill you? You were blessed with the ability to give birth, something not all women have the ality to do. Instead of looking at what you do not have (a third child), focus on the joys that God has chosen to bless your life with (two sons). You're really lucky, I have one son, and we are done having children. If I could have had twins the first time around, I think that would have been amazing! If you're wanting to have one more because you didn't get a girl, and you do have one more, it could possibly be a boy and then you are still possibly unfulfilled. I encourage you to be content with the blessings you have. Some women would give anything to have what you have.

I have been married for 11 years. I have a 10 and 8 year old girls. For the longest time my husband always said that he was done. And that was it. You could not hardly even talk about it to him. But like you, I knew that I wanted another baby, maybe to try for that little boy. My advice to you would be to just give him a chance. Maybe if you let him think about it for a while and not pressure him, maybe in time he will come around. I now have a beautiful little 14 month old boy. This was a decision that we agreed on. He knew what I wanted, and as we prayed about it, God answered our prayers. As far as getting your tubes tied, I would advise against that. If you know that this is truely something that your heart desires, dont get rid of that completly. You will always have that "empty" feeling. There are other ways to avoid having a baby. Try talking to your OBGYN about this. Good luck.

This is a common difference between men and women. Women think "Babies are so lovable and cute. I love babies!"
Men think, "Another mouth to feed. Another child to put through daycare/preschool/MDO/college. More money to pay on our health/dental insurance plans. More money to pay for diapers, clothes, formula/babyfood/groceries." They think in being able to provide for them ... and also thereby putting their financial/spending dreams on hold (ex: buying a vacation home; or a boat; or a motorcycle; etc.)

and if you're getting your realtor's license, I assume that you're planning to go back to work. That means 3 kids in daycare expenses. I'm just saying that's what he's adding up in his head. Or he's thinking, 3 kids I have to watch while she works on the weekends - like many realtors do.

So that's the reasoning for his lack of enthusiasm.
Live in the moment now. Be happy with your wonderful twins and enjoy this time with them. Let them grow to be more independent and your hubby will more than likely grow to be comfortable with the idea of having another when he sees the twins being able to do more things for themselves. My son is 4 now and my husband is very open to the idea of us having another now .... but not sooner because my son was still very needy. He's more independent now, so the idea of bringing a newborn into the home doesn't scare him anymore. He still remembers the sleepless nights, the crying (and not knowing why the baby is crying); he remembers my emotional highs and lows (in first 6 wks); etc etc.

So just pray about it and be patient. But be content in the present with your twins.

It sounds like he is a "reluctant father", but since he also is happy and says he has "No regrets" about the boys, I wouldn't push my luck anymore, at least not right now. It's not fair to bring another child into the world unless both parents are very sure they want more. It's so true, time after time, that when one parent is not "on board" with having another child, they treat that child differently, and the child can sense it, and constantly do things to try to earn that love for the rest of their life. Some women may think, "Oh, he'll change once he holds that baby in his arms" but that's a long shot, and history hasn't shown that to be usually true. It's almost impossible to get grown men to change about anything-- and since he's now happy with your boys, I'd count my blessings!! Especially if they have been easy children to raise. Another child might not be the same!

My husband and I went through the same thing after the birth of our second son. Our two boys are 21 months apart. I told him that if he really didn't want any more kids that birth control needed to be his responsibilty. I was afraid that if I became pregnant again accidentally he would resent me. He waited a year to be sure he felt the same way, and then had a vasectomy. I would have liked to have had more children, but realized that if he was that set that two were enough, I had to respect his feelings. In the long run...my kids are 6 and 8, and I'm glad I don't have any more. They are busy enough!!

I would definately not get your tubes tied. My husband and I are going through a somewhat similar situation. I am blessed with a wonderful family... we have four children(8 year old son and three daughters ages 4, 2, and a 5 month old). My husband says that we are done having children, but I am not ready to committ to saying that I'm done. He knew when we started dating that I wanted a large family, and he agreed. I just turned 31 and I think I'm far too young to say that I am never having another child. He is 13 years older than I so he's looking at wanting to travel and retire, but he knew what he was getting into when he asked me to marry him. If I do decide that we are done he will be the one getting the procedure b/c it is far less intrusive for a man than it is for a woman. For him it will be an outpatient procedure and he can be on the golf course the next day. For me it would be a much longer recovery period. Hope this helps~

You might want to quit bringing this up to your husband but DO NOT get your tubes tied. He can get a vasectomy, and that way HE won't have any more kids. A lot can happen to people and to a marriage in the next 15 years or so it will take you to hit menopause. You may find yourself having children with someone else before then - and it costs quite a bit to reverse a tubal.

JMO
S.

B., sorry to hear your story. I was in the same spot. My husband too felt he was 100% sure he didn't want to have anymore after our first two. Well.. First off I want to say that It would never be Just your fault! You shouldn't feel guilty for something you feel, and never apologize for how you feel. I would recommend not jumping the gun on getting the tubes tied just yet. Maybe just an IUD.? Some men change their minds too. The last thing I want to send the message of "false hope" but it's possible in a few years he might look at it differently. (My husband took 5 years of subtle hints to want number 3, after his aggressive NO.) I wish you the best and for a Number 3 as well! If you need some more detailed advice just send me a message anytime, there's always more then the eye can see to help any situation.

Hi B.,

I just say be patient and wait. When my husband and I married, I already had 2 sons. We soon had one together, another boy. We had both talked and were neither ready at the same time to have another. I prayed and waited for 8 years, yes 8 years. When I was 38 I got pregnant with our daughter! She was very much planned and wanted by both of us at that time. Even though I was told I was high risk, the pregnancy went perfectly! At 39 I gave birth to a beautiful 8 pound baby girl and she has her daddy wrapped around her little finger so tight! And the best part is that I am so much more relaxed with her at my age than when I was in my 20's when my boys were little. You are still very young and you have plenty of time. Have faith and when the time is right for both you - it will happen!

B. B.

Hi B.,
I also feel your pain. When I met my husband, my daughter was 4. He was in no hurry to have kids...well I got pregnant when my daughter was 7, he was not excited until he found out we were having a boy. I felt very little support & he had already decided that he didn't want more. Then I got pregnant again & again, he wasn't excited until he found out it was another boy. Still, no support. I wanted the husband that was excited when the pg test came out positive & couldn't wait until the baby arrived & would help me pick out clothes, bedding, etc. Maybe that is a little far fetched but I wanted some kind of involvement from him.
We got pregnant again in July 06 with boy #3, he was glad it was another boy (of coarse) but kept talking about how 4 kids would be so difficult, blah, blah, blah. I was thinking, yeah difficult for me because I do most of the work, but I didn't care. Well, I lost my son in my 2nd trimester, almost 20 weeks pg. It was awful & he never talks about it. I do still want one more, I am 32 & still have time, but I don't even talk about it with him.... Every once in a while I mention a vasectomy (because he talked about it a few years ago) but he changes the subject. Obviously, I (we) need counseling.
I don't have much advise other than drop the subject for a while. I would definitly not get your tubes tied. If he's really sure that he doesn't want more kids then he will get a vasectomy (I think).

If you get your tubes tied there is almost no turning back. If your husband gets a vasectomy it is 95% reversable. You are too young to make such a permanent choice. Your husband may feel completly differently in 1 or 2 years. But if you are worried about getting pregnant, put the responsibility on him and he can reverse the procedure later if you both decide to have another child. Sorry if I am coming on strong but I am 41 and know how much I have changed and my husband as well.
Good luck with whatever choice you make.

My heart goes out to you. My husband and I had the same conversation with him saying he was definitely not wanting any other children. I would lay awake as you did longing for another one, I just didn't feel done. I told my husband that he needed to go get a vasectomy thinking that maybe if there was no chance of having another one, I might start to let it go in my heart. However, he never went to have the surgery and we got pregnant again. My husband was so upset that he wouldn't talk about it with me for most of the pregnancy. I felt so bad like it was all my fault and couldn't even express my joy about it to him. It was awful. He now loves his new little boy and that little boy loves him. They are inseparable when Dad is home. I'm not telling you it would be the same for you but talk with your husband about having the surgery - it's easier and less expensive for him to do it than you.

Hi B.,

I did not notice how old your twin boys are. With you being in school your husband could be thinking you have enough on your plate at the moment. I would not get a tubal. You are young. If your husband is adament about not wanting more let him take the step. However, when you are done with school and actually working your husband might see the flexibility your career allows.

If your twins are still young it is hard for your husband to imagine going through it again. He may also be afraid of being blessed with twins a second time. The financial responsibility could be a big concern for him too.

Take your time in making a permanent decision. Pray. Some topics need more than one conversation.

Good luck.

You never said how old your twins were. Your wanting another baby right now and doing real estate is a tough call. So you become a top realtor (24 hours on call job) and you have a baby can you drag baby with you to show a house when someone from out of town drops in at a moments notice? At your age of 25 you have your whole life ahead of you it's not like two centuries ago when most people were considered over the hill. Life begins now days at 30 and goes on. You are just finding out who you are. Stop putting deadlines on everything as life does not work that way. Putting pressure on your husband right now is NOT going to help him change his mind it may even make him very determined to not have any more ever. Leave the subject alone for several months or so and mention it in passing only with no pressure to see what he thinks about it. Draw your ques from his responses as you are a team. Don't feel guilty and beat yourself up. As one responder said they had children later and they enjoy them much more. Above all, don't get your tubes tied out of haste or anger. In most states you have to have a certain number of kids and/or you have to be a certain age or 30 something. Enjoy what you have now and stop pushing for more.

B.,

First I want to say "DO NOT GET YOUR TUBES TIED!!" You are still very young, so your opportunity to have more children is wide open. Who knows what lies in store for you and your husband in the next 10-15 years? He may decide he wants more when your boys are older and easier to take care of. I don't know how old your husband is, but if he's around your age he's still very young and his opinions and views will change over the years.

I would say right now just enjoy your boys and see what happens. Don't make a life long decision right now when it comes to the tubal. YOu are so young, I think you would regret (and probably your husband too) not having at least the option of having more on down the line. I know 35 and even 30 sound old to you for having children right now, but it's not (I had mine at 34 and 37). I have plenty of friends that had a child or two in their 20's and ended up having at least one more in their 30's.

Anyway, enjoy your kids, enjoy your family and wait to see if your husband's opinion changes. GOOD LUCK@@

Given that you are so young, please don't get your tubes tied. It seems you would regret that more than feeling it's your "fault" should you conceive again. Perhaps he will change his mind in a few years - afterall, you say he wasn't quite ready for the twins. Try discussing with him his reasons for not wanting more (assuming you already haven't). Many discussion and his experience of how wonderful kids can be might sway him with time. Good luck.

I am not an expert but as far as it upsetting you when he mentions he "could have waited", try asking him when would have been a good time to get pregnant. Tell him that it's almost impossible to plan out a family with perfect timing (and he'll likely agree with you). He probably doesn't mean anything by his comment and it could be totally innocent--maybe he just meant that in a couple years you could have moved into bigger house or a new area, or maybe he wanted to get a jump start on saving more money to get a college fund started for the kiddos.

As far as getting your tubes tied, I'd be surprised if your OB would do it since you are only 25. I'd recommend getting Mirena--it's an IUD that lasts up to 5 years but can easily be removed if you should decide to have another child before then.

Hi B.,

I can identify with your situation, I wanted to have more children after my first two( a girl and a boy), but my husband did not want anymore children.

Having children is a big decision and something that should be discussed before marriage. If your husband does not want anymore children, sit down and discuss why and have an open mind about his reason. He may be trying to tell you something.

Good Luck,

I'm sorry you have been unable to agree on this issue. You didn't say how old your boys are but you are still very young. I certainly wouldn't have your tubes tied at such a young age. That is something pretty permanent. Don't be in a rush for this decision. Neither my husband or I wanted to have a second child after our first was born but after a couple of years we changed our minds and had a second. Give yourself and your husband some time. Don't do anything permenant for 5 to 10 years. If he doesn't change his mind you will have to respect his wishes. You may change your mind and decide two is enough.

Good Luck!
M.

Don't have your tubes tied yet!! At 25 you have many years left to decide about having more children. One thing I would suggest is to live in the moment for now. Enjoy your sons being little. I know how it feels to want another baby no matter what age your sons are. Maybe you need to figure out if you could be happy with what you are blessed with now. Talk to your husband, does he know how you really feel, not just that you want another baby? Talk to your doctor, clergy, friend, just someone who can help you through this even if it is just to listen. You said you are confused and sad, well from what I know, you can't make a life decision feeling like you are right now, wait!! Life has a way of working out for the best when we take the time we need to make truly thoughtful decisions.

You are way to young to get your tubes tied and alot of doctors will tell you that. Alot of things could happen in 15 years. God forbid something happen to your husband and you remarry and can't have more children. Just stay on the pill and bring it up again in a year.

Hi, I don't really have any advice, other than I can relate to how you feel. I have 21 month old boy/girl twins and I also lucked out by having them. That said, I'd like to experience pregnancy again, I want to know what it's like to have a newborn with all the experience I've gained, I want a big family and I just still have the maternal urge. My husband hasn't said no yet, but I know he would probably be happy if I said I was done, but I don't and I bug him about it all the time (as I did when I wanted to have a baby the first time around). Anyway, I don't know how old your twins are, but maybe it is a difficult stage right now and they still require tons of attention. My husband says he needs to see "the light at the end of the tunnel" before he'll agree to have another baby. Maybe your husband just needs a little more time. I hope it works out for you b/c I definitely know what it's like to want another baby. Maybe you could get a dog if you don't already have one? I know it's not the same, but just a thought. Good luck!

Hi B.,

I feel the exact same way! We have two boys, age 2 and 4 and my husband is very adamant about not having a third child. I know I could probably talk him into it if I keep pushing but I don't want him to resent me or the child. I am 35 and I agree with what others have said about a lot happening in your lives over the next 10-15 years. You definitely have lots of time to make a decision. I am keeping the communication up about it and we are exploring why we do and don't want more children. I am trying not to let it preoccupy me too much.

First, you don't say how old your boys are which could be a factor. Twins would be a big stress and resposibility and guys are always concerned about providing and the change to their lifestyle and being able to do what they want. So, it might be that the thought of more kids seems very overwhelming to him at the time. Also, it seems like guys are more apt to want to not try for another one if they have their 'boy'. Of course, daddies love, love, love their little girls but there is something special to them about being able to pass on their name and have a son especially to guys that are big sports fans or hunters. So, maybe he just feels like your family is complete. I would just leave the issue alone for now but I certainly wouldn't have my tubes tied at 25. That is way too young and things can change. You have time on your side and I wouldn't turn it into an issue of contention or he will probably become more set in his answer and defensive versus if you tell him that you love him and are happy with your family now but aren't ready to say never yet. Good luck and congrats and your boys.

That is a tough situation. But I wouldn't get my tubes tied. first of all it is far easier procedure for him to get his taken care of. since you are still feeling like you should have another I would talk it over with him that you want to think about it for another year or two. He might change his mind, but you don't want to do anything to your body until you feel sure. Both of you should feel good about your decision. I would give yourself more time, that is my advice. good luck!