He Is on Day Off, You Come Home for Lunch..

I would have asked "do you want this stuff out for you & the kids?"
You assumed he did.
He didn't.
Don't assume!

I don't know - when my husband takes a day off from work, I make food for him or ask if he wants anything. If he doesn't, I clean up my stuff. And I still make food for the kids. But I'm home every day and that's my job. And he takes care of me often in the evenings and is pretty engaged with my kids. The way you described the scene, I'd still take care of him. But if my husband was chronically disengaged and irritable, I'd be more mad.

You realize your part in it.

I would get pissed if Troy made something and left everything out with the assumption I was going to make the same thing.

Here is the thing, you aren't communicating and then getting upset because he didn't read your mind. If you want him off the computer say I want you off the computer. Granted don't say that if there isn't a reason.

Sorry but nothing irritates me more than when someone says you have been on that computer too long or some variation on that theme then I get off....and...nothing. Like, really? You don't need me, there is nothing you want, but you want me off the computer so I can twiddle my thumbs?

S'anyway, you didn't say to him I am making a salad, do you want me to leave the stuff out for you?

You didn't say could you make the kids lunch.

You are mad because he didn't read your mind. Hopefully just knowing that will help with your anger, it does when I realize I am being stupid.

Next time go out to lunch. ;) Let them figure it out.

Did he say he wanted a salad? Go back and put it away is the right answer.

It's his day off. Cut him a break. I imagine that he would have made the kids something to eat when one came in and said "daddy, I'm hungry."

Your husband cannot read your mind. And if you've been married more than 10 minutes, you should already know that men don't take hints...even when we're stomping around and sighing in frustration.

ETA: I just had to add, NO, you do NOT need to tell him what your expectations are on his day off. You're his wife, not his mother. If something needs to be done, you could say, "honey, this thing really needs to get done today...would you please take care of it?" But you don't get to tell him what he's going to do or not. UNLESS you would like him to start doing the same to you.

It's his day off. The kids are big enough to say "Daddy, I'm hungry." Stop trying to run everything YOUR way.

I think that you are probably mad at him for not paying attention to the kids because he often ignores them in order to play on the computer. So you were punishing him by leaving the stuff out. You told him that you were leaving it out for him, but that's not really it. You were mad.

This is called "passive/aggressive" behavior. You are probably justified. However, it doesn't help your relationship because he just bawls you out and then you don't go head-to-head with him. He learns nothing, and you get nothing from this behavior.

Instead, tell him that you want him to spend some time with the kids instead of on the computer. Whatever it is that bothers you with him, tell him. He might not like it, but at least you are really communicating. Doing things to spite him (like leaving food out) don't help at all.

We caretake - it's what we do. But a lot of the time, we don't HAVE to. I suffer from this as well.

Here's the thing - we want to help, be nice, take care of. Sometimes we do it TOO much.

Hubby was capable of getting himself food. If you didn't ask, and he didn't ask, then leaving it out was actually leaving a mess. It wasn't MEANT to be a mess, but it ended up that way.

The kids are old enough to say "I'm hungry" when they are hungry. They can ask you or dad. But you are used to getting it for them. So if you don't, you feel guilty or get annoyed at hubby for not doing it either. If you do, you feel put upon because you feel like you are the one that "has" do to do it. It's an emotional no-win sometimes.

It's hubby's day off and everyone is relaxing how they want to. Everyone is happy. But you may have a picture in your head of what the family SHOULD be doing - i.e. spending time together. So you feel annoyed that he's not doing what you think he "should" be doing. But he needs time to decompress. I know, we never seem to get time for that. WE need to make the time, though, and not get mad at others for not seeing that we need it. If we don't work it out first, it's not their fault.

Let the kids take care of themselves a bit. My hubby was surprised yesterday when our 6 year old got himself dinner (a microwave meal) when it was time. We exercise on Thursdays and the micro-meals are quick. It shows you what kids are capable of self-care wise when we let them.

Give him AND you a break.

Next time make your lunch in the morning and take it with you.
Let him and the kids figure it out.
You didn't "have to" make them all something, you chose to, and now you're choosing to be mad about it.
Sorry but you need to let him and the kids figure it out, he's not a child and they're not babies.
I'm reminded of an old episode of The Simpsons where Marge is gone and Homer lets the kids watch too much TV and eat a can of frosting. Was it what Marge would have done? Of course not (but it was funny!) and the kids survived.
Your kids will too.
Ease up on this kind of stuff, it's not worth your energy or the toll it takes on your relationship.

Lesson learned. If he is working at home, have lunch elsewhere lol. So much easier.

He's being a baby.
He is acting like a kid himself.
He is not tending to the kids, as a "Dad."
He is off doing his own thing. He is on the computer and not paying attention to the kids.
Thinking the kids are not there. But they are.
He can't handle it.

When you have time and are not on your lunch break pressed for time... TELL HIM, he is an adult. And a Dad. And a PART of the house.
Therefore, HE has to, think on his own and do things too.
Being in a family and being a part of a home means:
that you ALL HELP EACH OTHER.
It is not like living in a dorm... with another roommate.
You GOTTA say something.

Or, make a poster sized list, delineating what, he is supposed to do.
And then, tack it up on the kitchen wall.
Call it "The Daddy-Do List."
Because, if he can't think on his own about what needs to be done, then he will get a list, TELLING him, what to do. Since he has no brain.

And, being you were on your lunch break from work, AND pressed for time to get back to work by a certain time, HE COULD HAVE PUT AWAY THE LUNCH STUFF TOO.
HE, could have put it away. And said "Hey, don't worry, I'll put the stuff away. I know you are pressed for time and don't have all day."
But he didn't.
He was acting like a child.

But also, you need to tell him what is on your mind.
I used to leave food out for my Husband too. Because he'd get in a tad later and eat later than us, sometimes. But then he'd get all irked that it was left out. Because, he didn't want to put it away. Himself. But I TOLD him "you gotta eat too. So then you gotta take it all out again, eat, and then put it all away after, again. So what's the difference?"
His problem was, he just didn't like the "idea" of something being "left" out on the counter... and THEN having to put it away. But c'mon... it has to be put away anyway, even if he took it out himself later. Anyway.
And I did not just leave it out because I was lazy. I left it out, FOR HIM. So all the dinner stuff was ready and waiting for him, when he got home. Why put it ALL back in the fridge, it getting cold, then him having to take it ALL out again, reheat it, himself... and then eat, then put it ALL away again, after he eats?

It doesn't matter if someone is on a day off or not.
Things, STILL has to be put away, the kids still need to be tended to, the house still has things in it to clean up, he still has to take himself to the bathroom too right?
I don't get the "I'm on a day off therefore I don't have to do anything" mentality.
I mean hey, I don't get a day off.
Even if I am a SAHM. And work part time.
So what.
I STILL DO THINGS IN THE HOUSE AND DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE. Regardless.
ALL members of a family, has things to do.
AND the Husband, too. Day off or not.

And oh boy, I have been out sometimes. Came home. At night. And the kids not fed. At all. Nor did they shower yet. And it is 8:00pm.
And, Husband is on the computer doing HIS, things.
And the house is a mess. And then, he thinks that as soon as I enter the door, *I* will do it or have time to do it.
Then I tell him "the kids didn't eat yet?" And the kids are telling me that they are starving and they told him, and he told them make their own meal. My kids are 6 and 10. They can. But, the point is... why can't HE DO IT TOO? He's the parent. He's not a hotel guest who happens to have kids in the vicinity by chance. C'mon. But he feeds, himself.

The thing is, be an independent thinker who can and does, problem solve....As a parent who happens to be home WITH the kids, and the other parent is NOT, home.
Sure, my Husband does do things too. But not everyday like we, do.
But we, don't get any day off.

You are working, come home for lunch, and have to fix not just yourself but also everone else something for lunch? I would have specified ahead of time that I would like for him to fix me lunch (as in have it ready when I arrive so I can enjoy lunch with the family).

Viola:

You need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband about your expectations on his day off.

How do you get out of a foul mood? You shake it off. The more you brood over it - the worse it will get. Make a list of things you want to talk with your husband about and leave that foul mood on that list.

When you talk with him about it - use the **I** am feeling - **I** am...not the **YOU** so he doesn't feel attacked and go on the defensive.

I thought I was being nice and leaving it out so you could fix yourself something to eat. I had already fixed lunch for myself and the kids. Sorry. I really thought I was being nice.

I get that your days off are few and far between. However, I expect the kids to spend time with you when you are off - not playing in their room and you on the computer. I was disappointed.

Good luck! COMMUNICATE!! COMMUNICATE!! COMMUNICATE!!

You're right...it IS minor. A minor miscommunication...but the fact that you're upset about it means that you need to fix it. At age 5 and 7, the kids are capable of playing on their own. It's his day off. Maybe he was playing with them all morning and they went their separate ways before lunch...you never know.

How do you get over it? Think about the positive things. The more you "stew" over the situation, the angrier you'll get. And then when you're calm, you talk to him about expectations on his day off and come to an agreement.

As others have said, you should have ASKED if he wanted you to leave the stuff out. I HATE having stuff out, and my husband knows that (because I've told him!). Work on your communications skills...for both of you!

So you did something nice like leave out lunch fixings for your husband and he COMPLAINS that you didn't put it away???

Lesson learned: When you come home for lunch and it's his day off, take care of YOU!!!

As for his POV, maybe the kids weren't ready for lunch yet and maybe he wasn't either.

If you go out of your way and it's not appreciated then you know better next time. Lord knows, it took me a long time to learn that. I can't be mad and expect something in return if I go out of my way.

As for cooling off? I usually have to leave the premises and go outside. There is something calming about nature. Also, exercise helps tremendously, release frustration and get the endorphins going.

It would have been nice if he made you lunch. But kids that are 5 and 7 don't need constant parental supervision. They can play all day by themselves if you let them. They were fine weren't they?

I don't sit in the kids rooms and watch them play, I don't even sit in the den where I can see into their rooms while they play. I sew, read, get on the computer, do laundry, cook, all sorts of things.

He can be on the computer and the kids be fine. As for expecting you to cook lunch, well, you rescued him so he didn't have to do it. Let him take care of the kids. I recommend that you don't go home for lunch anymore. Take your lunch or eat out. That way you won't have to deal with home issues during your work day.

call him and talk about it. let it go.

I can see both points. Did you ask if he wanted lunch?

I usually have to go take a shower or a long drive to cool down.