DH And DS Just Can't Seem to Get Along

Um, stop enabling. No way in hell any member of my family would even try going up to me saying tell your son.... and then tell my dad.... They know that wouldn't fly. You are putting yourself in the middle instead of making them work through it themselves. As long as you continue doing this it will continue.

The first thing you do to help this situation is to completely, unapologetically, 100% take yourself out of the middle-man position. EVERY SINGLE TIME this happens.

If they get angry at each other, they need to learn to work it out and talk rationally and reasonably to ONE ANOTHER. Every time you act as the go-between, you let them off the hook with this childish type of behavior, and you actually perpetuate the cycle. So, stop that part now.

Now, for the next part, which may sound a little harsh, but I can only go by the little bit you have here. Your husband is acting like a child. He won't talk to his son??? He's abdicating his role as a parent, and you're letting him. We get mad at our kids sometimes. All of us. But, we get a grip, and then we deal with it.

I get the need to have a cooling off period sometimes when an argument is really tense or when there is an impasse, but at some point, the parties involved need to calm down, collect themselves, and maturely face the situation. Why does your husband refuse to do this? And what kind of role model is he being to your son with respect to healthy communications?
Can you imagine getting mad at your boss and refusing to talk things over with him/her? That's the stage your husband is setting: I get mad. I retreat. I refuse to talk. I let somebody else work it out for me.

I don't think this is how you want your son to communicate in the important relationships in his life, so start by modeling better for him. Tell your husband you'll no longer act as interpreter or middle-man and insist that he start dealing with his son directly. If he doesn't know how, there are tons of books on the subject, or if it's really that difficult for him, then therapy would be the next option.

Good luck, stay out of it, and let them both learn!

This is called sweating the small stuff. DH needs to lighten up. Kids forget things and lose things. Teaching them is a process that continues even after they leave home.

Try to remind DH that his time with DS is short, and he should try to treasure it more and enjoy it, and stop getting angry over everything. And get insurance on your computers.

And giving people the silent treatment is really immature. But yes, you do need to present a unified front, so you can't say anything to your husband in front of your son.

Walk away from it. Do not allow your child to manipulate you into talking to his father, but absolutely do not allow your husband to abdicate his role as a parent by putting it on you! I do think it's important for parents to be on the same page as much as possible - work it out (or argue it out) yourselves behind closed doors, and come up with an agreed-upon plan that your husband (NOT you as his surrogate) can calmly present to your son with you at his side.

Your husband is not showing any ability to do anything except get angry and make demands, and your son is learning how to be a man, a husband and a father from that.

Don't make this about "my life is difficult" (even though I get that it is) because that makes the goal "to keep mom happy." But the real goal here is for both son and husband to actually have communication skills, to listen without blowing up, to respond without eye-rolling, to compromise if possible but otherwise for the kid to do it the way the parents say.

If it were me, I would lay down the ground rules to my husband. Then I would lay down the rules for my son. Then I would get up and leave - every single time - they break the rules and act like idiots. If laundry doesn't get done, if dinner doesn't get made, if rides don't get offered, so be it. You will not participate in moronic displays of machismo and territory-marking.

If this doesn't work, get family counseling. Urgently.

PS I personally don't see why your son can't bring a computer home. I don't know why he needs a personal computer at school for projects, but if he takes it, it needs to be in his possession because I don't think lockers are secure. (I'm not sure how to handle lunch and physical ed classes with a computer, but I'm sure you can work out the logistics.) But really, this isn't just about the computer. It's about DH and DS having a dysfunctional relationship.

Tell them to go work it out and leave you out of it.
You're Switzerland, neutral and refuse to take sides.
EVERY TIME they do this - leave and go see a movie, have a coffee, get together with a girlfriend, etc.
If they really can't figure this out - then sign them both up for anger management so they can both learn to deal it without trampling all over you.

I don't think you should be getting in the middle, you should be presenting a united front with your husband to your child, if you think your husband is being overbearing then talk to him about that privately. And for things like computers just make sure the rules are clear, it is an expensive time and as such needs to come home.

Your husband needs to grow up and learn how to deal with his anger. Not speaking to someone is passive aggressive. Not not is he being a big ol pain in your but, he is teaching his son very unhealthy ways to deal with his own anger. Is this really what he wants his son to learn?

I think you need to do more than simply tell him to talk to his soon, though I do think you should do that. I think you also need to let your husband know that he needs to grow up and be a better role model for your son.

I also think you need to teach your son that this is not a healthy way to behave. Sit down with your son and talk to him about positive things he can do to work things out with his dad. Brainstorm with hm. He might learn faster than his dad.

This is ridiculous. Your son and husband are acting like a couple of idiots.

About the computer, did y'all buy it? Does your son understand the cost of the computer? Personally, I would be pissed as well if my kid left his new expensive computer in his locker.

Your son and husband need to learn how to communicate with each other WITHOUT your involvement. I suggest family therapy. It will help them learn to communicate and help you not get in the middle.

Time is too short to live in a battlefield with two idiots.

this post makes me sad.
your son will be gone one day, and your husband's opportunity to have a close, loving relationship with his little boy will have been squandered.
i would drag them both by the ear to family counseling. like, today.
khairete
S.

First off, I wouldn't accept being put in the middle, that's so immature, especially from a grown man. If son or dad says, "tell him I said this or to do that" I would look whoever was saying it in the eye and say, if you've got something to say to him you need to say it yourself" then I'd go do something else.
They need to manage their own relationship. I'd be pissed if one of my kids left their computer in a locker at school too. Maybe your husband yells more than he talks? My ex was like that, not a great communicator, very authoritarian, just expected his kids to fall in line because HE is the parent. Your son is pushing back, of course.
Let them work it out. Get out of the house for a while. Take a walk, see your friends, take a class, do something to give yourself a break from the situation.
The truth is they may NEVER get along, sad but true, that's not really something you can force.

Family counseling. Tell your husband that he had better get his act together if he wants to have his son as a friend once he leaves the nest.

Tell husband to put on his big boy pants.. he is a parent now not a spoiled child.

Immature adults act like this grown-up adults talk things out without anger. He needs to learn to control his anger and talk to son about this and any other topic.

This is happening every few days?
Makes me wonder what the heck is going on at your house that there is constantly this much tension.

And why wasn't the whole computer thing discussed? Who gave him permission to bring it to school? Before buying a child something so expensive I think it is important to clearly define the rules and consequences of its care. Was this done?

Without clear communication that sets expectations, everybody thinks they are right and it becomes an issue of control that just festers on and on......

Sounds like dysfunctional communication in your house between all of you. I wouldn't work on this too long WITHOUT a professional.

I've never had that happen. In my family growing up or my family now.

Why don't you just leave it to them to sort out? I would say just that. Stay out of it.

I tend to agree with my husband as a team - so I back him up when he takes issue with something our kid has done. So the kid wouldn't come to me angry with my hubby. My husband is fair and the adult, so generally, I support him.

That works here - they know coming to me to complain about Dad wouldn't fly.

If they are venting and you're just there listening, I'd walk away from that too. That would just stress me out and nothing would be solved.

Pretend you are in the playground with your children. Actually it sounds like you are. Don't get involved. Let them figure things out themselves.

I'd leave and have them sort it out.. I also wouldn't tolerate playing middle man.. I have a 12 year old son, my husband and myself.. so I would make sure they would work it out..

They need to communicate and learn to listen to the other. Without you intervening.

In four years DS can take his anger on the road and become completely estranged from DH. Sounds fun, right?

DH needs to get his act in gear quickly. Before he loses DS to the adult world. And before DS choses his nursing home.

As one poster below notes, do NOT make this about you!!!! "Us men need to keep mom happy even if we hate each other" - very old-fashioned. Your DH - the adult - needs to work on being a loving father to his son.

My husband and my daughter can have a very rocky relationship. It has gotten better since she was 10 or so. I cannot tell you how many times I would get home from the store or work and find my daughter crying on the front steps because daddy told her to leave. They both have tempers (hey, me too but I can usually take a step back at things). My daughter tends to say things before she speaks. Dad has to learn (still) that as the parent you don't treat one of the kids like some adult on the street that pissed you off. The thing is, my dd and daddy are SOOOOO much alike. She was daddy's girl before she was even born. Now at 17, it has improved a lot but he still tends to treat them more like adults he knows versus kids that need his guidance.

I have to agree that dh needs to be able to step back a bit. Sure, I can see being upset about leaving the computer at school. I assume though that ds did not make some announcement that he was leaving the computer in his locker and it is locked. Really, what is going to be accomplished by being livid about it and taking it out on him with silence? For me, it would pretty much be "no you cannot use mine and you better bring it home tomorrow". And when it comes to putting you in the middle, I would step out. When ds asks you to tell dh, I would tell him where dh is and he can talk to him himself. This is something he is going to have to handle his whole life. There are going to be people we don't want to deal with at certain times etc but we all know we have to.

In the school my kids go to, leaving your school laptop in your locker is a normal option. Why cart it home if you have no intention of using it over the weekend? It is a secondary and very minor issue. I only bring it up because it shows that your husband's sense of priority may be skewed.

My husband and older son have some things in common that make them butt heads on occasion. They both like to argue a point to death and they don't always know when to shut up.

I basically don't allow it. I will tell my son to drop it and go do something else in another room. This gives him time to cool off and switch mental gears.
In private, I remind my husband that he is an adult, and that means having the maturity to know when to stop talking first and let go of petty junk.

This has worked very well in my house, because my husband doesn't want to be that kind of person and can realize the truth in my words. My son doesn't want to be at odds with his dad. The occasions that the two of them annoy me like this are very rare and far apart. There is no silent treatment between them or other passive-aggressive behavior.

That said, when I was a teen, my stepfather was constantly arguing about every darn thing. With all of us, but most with his own son. It took therapy and medication for my stepdad to get a grip and behave like a rational adult. He didn't get his head sorted until my half-brother was 16 or so. It was kind of too late to repair all the damage done. t took some years into independent adulthood and proof that my stepdad had changed before they came to a real peace.