Having a Hard Time with Being the Stepmom Right Now

College is not for everyone. I did not go until I started working full time and realized that it was the only way for me to achieve my goals. The rule in my house was, we either go to school or work full time. We were not allowed to sit at home and do nothing. Maybe this mission will help him see how school will set him free. No is is not wrong of you to be neutral. My only recommendation is that you keep him focused on his future, what ever that means for him.

I think it would be good if you remain neutral. In fact, then your stepson might be able to bounce ideas off of you and you can try to at least keep him reasonable, even if you don't direct him. At 18, maybe it would be good for him to get a job and see what he can do to raise the money for the mission. I think he'll be surprised by how difficult it is to raise that kind of money without a college education, but I wouldn't push it. I would push getting a job - he'll need one no matter what. And it may help him make up his mind.

If your stepson knows he's not ready for college, there's no point in pushing it. I think you should try to help him formulate some kind of plan for after high school. Working is not a bad idea, and if he really wants to go on a mission, he will make it happen. You might try to help him get some career counseling -- there's a book called What Color is Your Parachute? that many people use to try to figure out what they want. I'm sure there are many others at the bookstore. It sounds like it may take him a while. Help him try to set some goals that will lead him towards a happy life. Also, be clear about rules and expectations -- how long does he get to live with you after high school? Does he have to work, contribute to expenses, pay for things you now pay for? I don't know what to say about the Bishop, but it seems to me that now that your stepson is 18, he can talk to the Bishop himself if he wants to, but you and your husband shouldn't have to if you don't want to. I think you should be honest with your stepson about why LDS wasn't for you, how you feel about the Bishop -- talk to him openly, but always emphasize that the most important thing is that he figures out how to have a healthy, happy life as an independent adult.

He doesn't know what he wants to do because he is feeling pressure from both sides to do what they want him to do. He doesn't want to dissapoint anyone. He needs to know that whatever decision he makes that his family & church family will support him. Everyone needs to back off with their agenda. You could probably talk to him about how important it is to go to college but that going a year later won't make a difference. You could also tell him that if he doesn't want to go on the mission trip then that is his choice. You could also tell him that whatever decision he makes that he shouldn't feel guilty about disappointing anyone. You could also tell him how important it is to have some sort of a job even if it is part time no matter what decision he makes. You are in a great position to help this boy transition into an adult & how to make adult decisions all on his own. I think helping him make his own choice IS remaining neutral.

Good luck & God Bless!

I think that you are doing the right thing. You're in a touchy situation because you do have some influence over him and you are in the middle here.. I would stay neutral simply because you don't want to be blamed for any decision that may turn out to be a bad choice in the long run for him. Obviously, college is not a priority for him since he's not making good grades and doesn't seem too interested. At 18, most of us did not know what we wanted to do with our lives and somewhere down the road, most of us find out where we are going. As far as the Bishop goes, your stepson is an adult and if chooses to have a relationship with the Bishop, I wouldn't get between them. Although I am not a LSD member, I am a non-practicing Catholic, and I think that is great that your stepson has such a strong religious upbringing--more kids need that nowadays.

M.

I am a christian and don't have the same beliefs that the mormons so, but I have known mormons and they were the nicest people ever. At his age I would say that he should go on the mission. Even though it is a religion that his dad isn't comfortable with it is still alot better than getting into the things most 18yr olds are into. Like you said, he recently moved in with you guys and has been LDS his entire life. This is what he's been raised to do and probably feels the most comfortable doing. In time, he, like every one else will question his faith and make his own decisions. Eighteen is an age where you as the stepmom needs to be there for him, but also be neutral. Talking to him in private would be a good idea, but definately make sure you do more listening than talking. Ask questions about why he wants to do things and how he plans to do it (like raise the money). Sometimes these conversations can be very revealing for both sides....Good luck!

My gut feeling as an educator is that many students feel like they *have* to go to college right out of high school - but I would say that for many of the people I knew in college and over the years, they weren't ready. There's absolutely no point going to college unless you want to be there and want to work hard and want to get everything out of it that you can. So, if he's not interested, don't push him - yet. But, I would also let him know that although it's not right at this moment, you and your husband know that he would be successful in college and hope that he'll go someday.

As for the religious aspect, I can't really speak to that. A mission trip might be a good thing for him - and raising the money to go would definitely be a good thing for him.

I hope it all works out for you. Good luck!