Have You Ever Changed Your Childs School, Because You Were Not Happy with It

yes, I can see that you feel your son is being picked on. Unfortunately, some teachers/administrators do "label" children. It is so sad when it happens. Quite frequently, children will be put with good/bad teachers on alternating years....& it seems like this is the bad year for your son.

All this said, I have to be completely honest with you. After reading some of your son's incidents + his reactions, reading your "take" on his behavior....hmmm, + a few more red flags....(sigh) I do believe your son would benefit from both counseling and therapy. I realize my opinion may be offensive to you...but your son has a bucketload of issues that's he's trying to deal with & he needs help. Any child with anxiety to the point of seizures.....& any child who's laid hands on another's neck....needs help. Doesn't matter if the other child jumped up & ran off - what matters is that your child acted out physically towards another.

Another point which jumps out at me is how much you defend & explain his actions. Yes, we are our child's advocate....but we need to temper that with a reality check at times. I do believe the teacher is also at fault, but not to the extent that your child should not be responsible for his actions. I also truly believe that your child may behave differently when you are not present....it's a fact of life - all kids do this!

& to say that he's not allowed to "argue his point"....well, he's a kid - he has to behave! At age 9, he should KNOW he has to raise his hand to answer questions & to get his snack....all of these actions reflect impulsitivity - which needs to be addressed!

It may be that the school is a bad fit for him. It may also be that they are trying very hard to teach him how to behave....although, I will have to admit that the spanking at school is an issue for me. One more thing to think about: you did choose this school - & I would bet spanking is fully disclosed in their handbook - so you knew when you picked it! You just probably never thought it would apply to your child! I wish you Peace & a rapid solution to your child's needs.

I took my daughter out of kindergarten because the teacher was grouchy and intolerant of normal childlike behaviors. By the end of the second week, my daughter was terrified to go back to school, in spite of the fact that she had never been punished herself. She was just terrified that the teacher would end up treating her as (verbally) harshly as some of her classmates.

I took a morning off work so I could sit in on the class. The teacher was downright rude, even with a parent observing. I put my daughter back in daycare that day. She was learning to read, write, and do arithmetic at home, and was way ahead of her class anyway.

I have no regrets about removing her from that class. She ended up liking school, but I don't think she would have if she stayed with that teacher. Kids are essentially prisoners in a situation like that – they have no means of changing their situation, and they are not allowed to quit, as an adult might decide to do if mistreated at work. And some, like your son, become scapegoats for the bad behavior of all.

I feel bad for your little guy. It's not his fault he's fidgety and animated, and it would be a shame if he ended up accepting the teacher's assessment of him as a behavioral failure. That tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy, and kids can simply give up on trying to be good if they're just going to get punished anyway.

I've been shocked by the frequent reports of harsh or unfair treatment that have come from moms using Christian schools. I suspect it's because there's a stronger stress on traditional behavior and obedience, but that's just a guess. I hope you find a gentler environment for your son – even public school may give him a better experience.

I'd pull my kid out of that school in two seconds, but then again, I would never send my child to a school who uses physical force as a punishment.

Although you have to fight alot for your child at a public school, they also provide alot better services imho because they have better resources from which to draw. A private school just can't compare there.

I would never send my child to a school that spanked.

As an adult, if we have a terrible boss... or if the work environment makes us miserable... we have the option of changing jobs. Even in the military, one has the option of transferring to a different unit, even if one can't "quit".

A child doesn't have that option. They are literally powerless. The only person who has the power to help them is you.

So, I would ask yourself:

Would you stay somewhere that you are punished for defending yourself?
Punished for being shy? (physically struck for being shy)
Singled out
Made miserable

Probably not.

Yes. Of COURSE appropriate behavior is to be taught/ expected. But how that is meted out varies WILDLY amongst institutions and individuals.

If you, or your husband, were having the same problems at work, would you change jobs?

I know I would.

I'm sorry he is having such a tough time and you are paying private school tuition for it. Yes there is such a thing as a school not being the right fit for a child. With one year left before she "graduated" from elementary school, I pulled my older DD from a K-6 elementary to start middle school in 6th grade someplace else because many things just weren't working for her. She was so miserable and ready to move on. We saw so many advantages the new school offered that her current school did not. The middle school is great, we have no regrets. Do look around. I feel sad your son doesn't seem supported and happy at school.

I feel so bad for your son!!! He probably can't help himself!! He is being shamed and abused for something he can't control. I would get him into a public school that can do an evaluation and get him an EIP and treat him with compassion and respect before it's too late.

I would try the public school system. Changing now may be what he needs and this should put him going to school with kids in his neighborhood. Make sure he is also behaving as well as possible to make sure he doesn't obtain a "label" everywhere he goes. Ensure he is as above reproach that a 9 yo can be then you will know if it is a good school or behavior problems that need attention. Simple things of enforcing pausing before he takes action and deciding for himself if the choice he is making is a good one, teach him the pause is to ask himself if his choice would get him in trouble, make his Mom proud, get him or someone else hurt. Good luck.

My son went through something similar at his previous school. As you know my son is on the Autism Spectrum and ADHD, I asked the teacher repeatedly for him to go to school during the summer he is in a special ed class, SO APPALLING! , and she refused, because he had just started that april and they hadn't seen him regress.. . Upon returning to school my son had forgotten a lot of things. (of course we went through stuff during the summer but he has regressions) Anyway his teacher was so frustrated she was putting my son so much pressure he couldn't cope. I remember seeing his face so sad and he would tell me I can't mommy I try, but I can't! and it broke my heart. Long story short, his teacher had totally given up on him and was taking her frustration out on her, We changed schools and he is so happy to go and comes happy, he does have some anxiety issues and attacks, but you can immediately tell whatever it is, its not from his teacher anymore.

Also... to me it sounds like he is ADHD have you had him tested yet?

What does he think about the idea of changing schools? This can be a decision you make together.

It does sounds like it's not a great fit for either of you, it might be a great time for you to go together and visit some other schools and hear how others deal with behavior issues and what kind of support they have. In my school, if a child suffers family tragedy and physical issues, there would be regular check-ins with the student advisor or the district psychologist for support. Spanking in school is, IMO, unacceptable and I'd be gone for that alone in a heartbeat. If you feel that his needs aren't being met and he's not making progress for him to be proud of, it's definitely time to start shopping around. His mental well being absolutely will make or break his academic success.

I would definitely change schools. And I would look into the legality of them using corporal punishment. I don't care what their internal regulations are, their internal rules don't trump the law!

I am so sorry for your son, and I think the sooner you get him moved, the better. I did move my granddaughter with only about 3 weeks left of school year before last because of bullying. The school would not do anything or take it seriously so out she came. She's been very happy with her new school and any issues we have had, have been addressed promptly.

I would change schools, but your son is old enough to talk to about this before you make a decision.

However, if I knew ahead of time that anyone in the school used spanking as a disciplinary measure I wouldn't have sent my child there. But if you're okay with spanking, then that is another matter of differing opinions, I guess.

You could also request a conference with the teacher and/or headmaster about your son. That might give you a clearer picture of how they view him... If they are determined to see him as a troublemaker or not.

It sounds like there needs to be some improvement on both sides, from the teacher as well as from you and your son.

What your son has been sent to the headmaster for sounds very small but as a teacher I wonder if they were the last of a series of other small misbehaviors. If he is being a distraction, it is best to get him out of the classroom for a bit. It may be that the teacher is now watching your son more closely because she expects poor behavior out of him. He has set the pattern. This can be reversed with some very timely actions on your son's part. Have him start complimenting his teacher. Ask him what she does that a good teacher does. For example, tell him to tell her that he likes how beautifully she writes. That way your son will start looking for things that he may like about her instead of telling himself over and over that she is evil and doesn't like him. Let him know that you will be asking. If he changes his mindset, it will have a better effect on his behavior. And if she sees that he is not just looking for ways to annoy her when he gets bored, that will help her to deal with him better.

Ask the teacher what your son is doing well with. Let her know that you just want to build up his self-esteem. She will probably realize that she needs to be praising him as well without even being told to. Then tell your son what the teacher said. It will be good for him to know that the teacher notices his good behavior or his academic ability, etc.

Get to know your son's teacher. Volunteer in the classroom. It benefits your son when the teacher sees that you want to be helpful instead of accusatory. It sounds like your son and the teacher don't have the best personality match but that doesn't mean you should give up.

Then stop believing that your son is giving you 100% of the story. In your number one, it sounds like he spit his applesauce at the girl. You don't have to blow that hard to get applesauce off your lip - he could even use a napkin. But for it to land on the person opposite, he would have had to spit pretty hard. I would have scolded my son for spitting it instead of using a napkin instead of siding with him and then criticizing the teacher. I hope you did not respond to your son by criticizing the teacher. to him.

In number two, he should know by now at age 9 that if he isn't sure about an assignment, he should ask (politely). I would have scolded my son for not doing the paper as asked. And if he didn't think he was supposed to repeat it, then to simply ask for clarification.

In number three, I hope you told your son that you expect him to raise his hand when he is expected to. If you told your son that you can't believe he was reprimanded for something so small, he is learning that he can be disobedient and you will excuse it.

About number four, I would ask you if he has ever rolled his eyes at you. If he has, and he had misbehaved to the teacher, then he has basically given you every reason to believe he COULD HAVE rolled his eyes at the teacher. But your son has learned that all he has to do is swear he didn't do it and you will believe him. Think about it, who do you think would lie about him rolling his eyes - the teacher or a 9-year-old who gets fidgety, daydreams, doesn't like his teacher, and has a mom who will believe him over the teacher?

I'm sure daydreaming for a few minutes isn't really a problem unless he has stopped doing what he was supposed to be doing after being told repeatedly to get back on task. As a teacher, I can excuse a little daydreaming here and there, but if it is a chosen behavior to get out of doing what he is supposed to be doing, then it has to be addressed.

Your son should not be excused from standing up in front of the class because he is shy. Teachers know which kids are shy and will work with them to help them through it. One way is to have everyone take turns going in front of the class. When he refused, again, I believe you should have told him how disappointed you were that he would disobey his teacher. Then next time have him tell you when he had to get up in front of the class. Let him know that you can talk about how it felt, what was hard about it, how it went, who else was shy, who isn't shy, etc. By talking about it, you can assure him of when you had to do something that you were shy about and it turned out okay. You get the idea. Your son cannot do what HE wants to do when HE wants to do it and know that his mom will stick up for him.

Before I would change schools, I would stop giving your son an excuse for every bad behavior. Acting like all the other boys is not a good reason to allow bad behavior. And if he is punished at school for something, I would add to the punishment at home. I would start rewarding him on a chart for good behavior. For example, every day that he didn't get sent to the headmaster, he could get a sticker. Also praise him and tell him how proud you are of him. Each sticker would mean he gets to play with something he likes to do everyday when he gets home. 3 stickers gives him 20 or 30 minutes with you of playing a game, reading, etc. (his choice). Rewards are most effective if it is non-monetary and really effective if it is one-on-one time with a parent. 7 stickers would mean a trip to the park, library, museum, etc. You decide the number of stickers - I was just giving ideas.

If his behavior persists, then a couple meetings with a psychologist might help to find out if there is something going on his life that feels out of his control and is making it hard to behave. Sometimes kids won't open up to us because we might not like them anymore or we might overreact.

Also, have him start inviting a friend over from his class. After a few tries you will be able to see who enjoys your son and who he likes. Don't take it personally if someone doesn't want to come. They just might not have enough in common. Keep trying.

Get him out of that school. Your son comes first and he is not happy. Public schools often have teachers with more education and a more "student friendly" attitude. It should be about the child first. Always.

-M.

I taught high school for 38 years, so I know more about teenagers than third graders, but it sounds absolutely ridiculous for your son to be sent to the office so many times in one week! It does sound as though the teacher is not trying to work with him, (we would be told to quit sending him to the office and figure out a way to deal with the problem) and she does appear to be singling him out.
Can you schedule a conference with the teacher and headmaster together? Both parents at the conference would be helpful; if you still feel that either one and/or both of these people do NOT have your son's best interests at heart, I would recommend making a change. His self-esteem is too important for him to feel like a failure at this age.

First of all -didn't you have to sign a form stating that you would allow the principal to paddle your son? Go demand it be torn up now if that's the case, and that solves that problem. If they just paddle children whenever they deem it necessary with or without your permission, I would yank him out of there TOMORROW!

Next -it sounds like there are some issues on all sides. The part about your son having seizures -did you take him to a doctor for this? I'm not talking about a psychologist or psychiatrist, but did you have him see his pediatrician? That's VERY serious! People don't have seizures because they're upset unless they have a health issue. It sounds like perhaps your son could have benefited from some counseling if he was so upset he was having panic attacks. He WAS having a mental health problem! If he's still having anxiety attacks at his tender age -you DO need to have him see a child psychologist. That's not okay or normal or anything, and he needs some help.

The school doesn't sound so hot in my opinion. If you really like it other than this teacher, I supposed you can stick it out and see how next year goes. However, if it's a private school, you should have A LOT of say, so start having weekly meetings with the teacher and principal. Have your son sit in on some of them. You're PAYING them. My son attends a public school, and I would demand this there -and get it, so you certainly can.

If there's a decent school somewhere nearby he can attend, it certainly wouldn't hurt to try it. We're lukewarm on my son's kindergarten this year, so I think we're going to move him to a different area charter school. We should always try to get the very best possible education and care for our children that we can.

Yes I had to take my daughter out of a Catholic school because the girls were bullying her unbelievable and no one did anything. She began having anxiety because of it. A child each year commits suicide in the high school that feeds from this elementary because they can not get away from the hatefulness and their self esteem is destroyed. Move him and if he still has trouble with impulsive behavior look into medication.

Check out other schools. You don't have to go to public school if you think he won't do well there (I have a daughter who freaks out in large groups of people which is why I have her in a smaller school). But if he qualifies for any services, public schools can offer them for free. Private schools can be as different as night and day, so another one will be a totally different experience. I would definitely look into it. If he has a history with trouble with the other kids, in addition to a teacher who doesn't love him for who he is, then he could really benefit from a fresh start.

Yes, in preK we left our church's daycare because two kids were violent and the teacher was stressed out which stressed my child out.

She switched to public for 1st-3rd, but the bullying and lack of challenging work caused me to try Christian school. The first one was harsh so we left after a few weeks. My child was not in trouble but she was anxious at the demand for instant conformity and the harshness.

We are at a school that makes her feel safe and loving. It is not perfect, but it is better.

No I haven't moved because I didn't like the school, but my advice to you is to decide if this is just an issue with this teacher or the school itself. Good luck, hope you get it figured out.

If you didn't sign a consent form for corporal punishment, then they BY LAW do not have the right to administer it, period! My advice on that if you continue to send your son to this school would be to send them something in writing advising them that you do not want this type of punishment to be administered.

It really sounds like there is a serious problem with both the teacher and the administration at this school. When my son was 5 we tried a private Christian school thinking he would get more personal attention and it would be better academically etc. It ended up being a complete nightmare! We've had such a better experience with public school. (I assume that your sons school does not have a counselor?) Public schools have counselors onsite to help children with adjustment issues, like your sons dealing with his cousins death. They also have a lot more resources to deal with all kinds of issues whether it be academic or behavioral. To me it sounds like your son is a normal 9 year old boy and his teacher is the problem! Before changing schools my suggestion would be to meet with the teacher and headmaster to discuss your concerns. If they do not take action, then change him to a public school! (Or another school of your choice.) Don't wait! We had problems with my sons second grade teacher similar to what you are experiencing and I wish I had requested his class to be switched!!

Trust your instincts, if you feel he would be happier elsewhere then switch him. I'm so glad that I switched my son, he has done so much better in the public schools!

Good luck!

It sounds to me like he has been "marked" as a trouble maker and won't be given a chance for his "normal" to be OK. Sometimes fidgety people fidget. They shouldn't be hit because of it.

If this were my son I would 1) send a signed note to the headmaster stating that your son may not be spanked or punished in any physical matter whatsoever. and 2) find a non-abusive school for him.

As a Christian I would find it really hard not to punch that Teacher right in the mouth. Move your son. This is not about making excuses for his behavior. This is about his self-esteem. Boys fidget...It is what they do. Boys do dumb things to get attention. They should not be spanked for it. No recess or something.

Both of my kids went to a small christian charter school. I thought it was better than public. I started having all kinds of problems with them and realized the kids were not really "learning" some of the teachers were just pushing the kids thru, especially my daughter, who was diagnosed ADD. Instead of helping her, they just wouldn't bother. Anyway, I finally got tired of fighting them and moved both kids to public school. My daughter started in 4th grade and ended up on the Principals list (straight A's!!!) and she has done well since they. They are aware of her issues, she has an IEP in place, and although I have to keep on top of them to help her, they do and are consistant with it. Also, there are teachers who are better than others. My son has one this year that I'm not happy with. I'm just buying time until next year when he gets a new teacher. He is getting A's and B's and has ADHD but his teacher believes its all behavior so she tends to be strict and forceful with him. He is doing ok, not has happy as he could be since he LOVED his teacher last year, she was more gentle with him, which he needs. Anyway, it may be that you need to talk to the principal about it and lay down the law when it comes to the treatment of your son. You may not have to be as drastic as changing schools, but sometimes it is for the best. I hope you find something that helps. Good luck!!