Have You Ever Been Burned by a Friend?

The same thing happened to me and my best friend from college. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding--I was the matron of honor in hers. We would talk/text daily and then it all stopped one day. I emailed and called her several times. I know she is depressed and it in a horrible marriage too. I reached out so many times. She desperately wanted children (I have 3) and I think that had something to do with it. I found out through another friend that she was pregnant and I even sent a card months after we stopped talking. Nothing. I'm like you, I just want to know how it all went wrong. I don't think we'll ever be friends again, but I just want to know.

Eh, people change, life moves on, situations make us all more (or less) likely to keep in touch. That's not 'burned', that's nature.

:)

Just a thought...people who suffer from depression, need safe, open hearted, kind friends to talk to, who listen without judgement. They need freinds who offer a safe harbor.

Rather than ask her or yourself 'what happened...what did I do?" Perhaps there is an element of "what did I NOT do?"

My take now, looking back at friendships like this that fall by the wayside, and talking with friends who 'did the dumping', it is usually summarized by the feeling that they could not be themselves anymore around that individual, or so called friend. The friendship took too much energy, or it was one sided, or they felt they had to cover up their depression, etc.

The tone of your post is a bit defensive....you feel 'burned, you write 'no fault of mine'....you love yourself too much...I don't see a lot of insight or compassion in your tone at all towards this other person. Are you this way in most of your relationships?

I would say both has happened to me. I have been dumped and I have also done the dumping. Life does go on. We change. We pick up the pieces. We brush ourselves off.

if you love yourself so much then I don't think you'd have needed to post this at all. (no judgement, just an observation) therefore, I think you have some issue with her and by what you wrote, "she took it out on you".... clearly, you personalize her behavior.. I am not saying you didn't deserve a better explanation from her... However, sometimes we won't EVER get the explanation we want. Maybe she felt pressure from you to explain herself ... If she went through a big depression, then maybe she doesn't want to rehash it and have to say.. this and that was happening. I am sorry we lost contact.. could be those that she stayed in contact are people who stayed in contact with her.... in other words, she didn't reach out to them, they reached out to her. Out of six bridesmaids in my wedding, I am only in contact with ONE... that is it... people went their own ways.. and yes, life does go on.. in fact, it has..

It happened to me, and I also did this to others.It happens.
It doesn't feel good,because our egos are bruised,but that's it.
Sometimes we reconnected, years later..not even talked about it.Sometimes it is what it is.Or maybe it wasn't that much of a friendship to begin with.I would personally NEVER ask anybody, why they don't want to talk to me anymore,it sounds very needy and clingy and I wouldn't give them that satisfaction...I'd just move on, because it's not worth my thoughts and time.But I have been there, I just got older and wiser I guess :)

Some may think what I'm about to say is harsh. However, I think you would do yourself a world of good to HEAR the words...

I don't think you were burned. Have you ever thought YOU burned HER? You can't say "through no fault of your own" - relationships are a TWO WAY street - you could've picked up the phone and called her - you did not.

You don't want advice on how to deal with her? Then what exactly are you looking for? A pat on the back that says "oh honey - I'm sorry?"

I know there are people I've lost touch with that are in my first wedding photos...life, events, experiences, moves - all of these things changed us...some people are in your life for a reason, some for a season...some for all time...maybe she was the one for a season.

Since you love yourself so much - maybe you are expecting other people to bow to you? I don't know. I know that I love myself - but I'm not above knocking on someone's door who was 'supposed' to be my BFF....sounds like she suited your purposes....it was all about you - right? and MAYBE she felt she wanted YOU to put something into the relationship...DID YOU call her? Did you send her a letter? Did you do anything or did you just sit around and wait for HER to reach out to you? I know you said you found her on FB - yay - you sent her a message?

Instead of asking her what happened...did you say "what did **I** do?" did you take any responsibility for the relationship going south? Remember relationships are a two-way street...if she suffered from depression...in my opinion you really weren't a friend or else you would've NOTICED that. Maybe focused too much on you?

I hope you will walk away from this thinking - maybe - just maybe YOU could have been a better friend....maybe you should love her as much as you love yourself.

people right? WHAT right do they have to not be friends with you! the GALL.

Ok I know that sounded harsh, but you don't know me. You have no way to know whats going on in my head, and you are powerless to change my way of thinking. She is her own best friend and worst enemy. The reasons she lost touch with you, will only be known by her and her alone. Even if she was to convey why, to you. You may not be able to understand it. It could be as small as you said something, in front of someone else, and forgot her birthday at the same time.

Strange, I know. Good thing is you know she is not worth your time, and your done with her. It will kinda bug you to no end, the reason why.

I have this with someone I know as well. From 9th grade on, this girl was my friend, to be honest she was my best and pretty much only friend. I included her in everything I did. She was wild, tried all sorts of bad things. Was having sex at 14, and never listened to anyone. Her parents were tired of her behavior, and blamed me. They said my family enabled her and let her do this. Long story behind that one. So they sent her off to christian college. She came back kinda weird. We wrote and called each other all the time during her stay, but when she came back, we were limited friends.
After her marriage, which I also was a bridesmaid, and she was in mine as well. We lost touch. Her wedding was a nightmare! I was less than thrilled, I am sure she was with me as well, and because of this I think this is why we lost touch.
The next time I heard from her was she wanted me to come to her baby shower. This was years of nothing and then an invitation. While I was there she treated me like dirt. I left early in tears. I didnt contact her again. 7 years later, another email out of the blue she was having a 2nd daughter, she mentioned she knew I had 2 little girls (which she never met, never came to my shower, and never once congratulated me on them). She wanted to know if I had clothes to give away. What? I thought maybe shes in need. I go to her house, that I was never invited too previous, and its a grand, nice big house. Nothing about her life screams "I need free clothes". I came anyway. The entire time was spent talking about her, her, her, nothing about her kids, my life, nothing. I left determined not to talk to her again. Got a facebook invite. Accepted it, but after a month of her rantings and blathering about herself and all her stuff. I de-friended her. I think she is to self absorbed to see that I am not her friend anymore. I am done I will not have dealings with her again. I got burned more times than you and its still took me a long time to get rid of her. I still have yet to know what the "bleep" happened at her wedding that made her act like this in the first place. That's a story all together in itself.

I have to agree with the responders - these things happen. I had a friend that I made when both our little ones were young - she moved, I moved - we lost touch. I tried on and off for 2 years to re-connect - and finally through FB sent a note essentially saying "i'm sorry if I offended you somehow" - she wrote back that she had been extremely busy in nursing school but had no grudge. So sometimes it's just life getting in the way.

I also had a huge blow out with my best college friend right after we graduated - I was supposed to be her maid of honor - but we were moving from NY to CO and I tried to opt out - distance, time, money, etc - but she wouldn't hear of if. Fast forward a few months and I get the "dear john" letter - I'm kicked out of her wedding and we are NO LONGER FRIENDS. I tried for a while to reconcile that one but eventually just let it go. About 13 years go by and I look her up on FB - send a heartfelt note - and wait. She responds favorably - we reunite - and are able to be friends again despite a very rough patch - so hope isn't always lost.

I think it really depends on the people involved - and if you've already "crossed that bridge" then it's ok to be sad and mourn the lost friendship...it hurts when people we love walk away...but know it's not necessarily your fault OR anything you can fix.

I cant help but see myself in this post. My best friend since 5th grade, suddenly stopped talking to me also. I was getting married and just had twins. I thought it might have had to do with that. Its been two years now, (with spouts of crying because I missed her) and I found out she has gotten married and I waasn't even a part of it. Isn't it sad that they can do it without us? I was a huge part of her life and I feel like I coulndt have done it without her, so how could she?

Life goes on I guess. I hope you dont dwell on it. I try not to, but it's hard without my best friend.

Your post could very easily been written by an ex friend of mine. She always bitched that I never reached out to her. Yet I left countless messages but apparently she was too busy and the time to return them and then forgot about them. In her mind I just drifted away, I didn't, I just got tried of reaching out. The final straw to me was inviting her to my wedding. Yes I only sent her an invite and didn't call her in person, which is all she sees. The fact is I was in no mood to call her one more time and leave one more message.

So she is gone.

I'm sort of on the opposite end of the situation you describe. I had a couple of close friends in college (also a bridesmaid in their weddings, and they in mine) and we have completely lost touch. I felt very awkward, and judged, when I divorced from my first marriage (relatively soon after marrying) . My ex and I had numerous mutual friends, and I think they felt awkward (and perhaps threatened) too. There was no official end to our friendship - it just faded away.

That being said, if they reached out to me I would love it and would be happy to correspond with them. But I don't *need* them in my life either, if that makes any sense.

Is it possible that your friend is sensitive to being judged, and just isn't comfortable with confrontations? Some people never get to the point where they can deal with things like that head-on. I've gotten much better with it, mainly because the older I get the less I care what people think. My love, and friendship, is more genuine and less needy.

Try to let the pain go, and just love her from your heart, even if she never realizes it. Someday she might.

JMO.

Sometimes some friends are just too much work. Especially if you're dealing with other things like depression, work, illness, children etc. I know that I've let friendships go because I simply had other stuff on my plate. I'm sure my former friends think I'm selfish and hopeless, but it's just a survival thing for me.

YES! I had a friend do the exact same thing to me in college. We were both living at home and commuting to the local college. We went from being inseparable, to her not answering any of my calls and me never hearing from her again. There was some stuff going on....she had weird family issues; she had gotten in with a new set of friends through her work; and I think I might have made her mad by going night-swimming in her pool with my boyfriend (I was staying over while her parents were out of town). I guess her dad had been mad when he came home and found out we'd turned the heater on in the pool. I apologized profusely, but she didn't even seem that upset so I'll never know for sure if that was even why the friendship ended. She just stopped taking my calls. That was literally ten years ago. it still makes me a little sad when I think about it.....you're not alone.

Yes, this has happened to me. My good friend, who was my maid of honor when I got married, pretty much dropped me within a year of my wedding. She stopped calling, and when we did speak, she was really hostile and angry for no discernible reason. After years of not talking, we had a civil conversation at our 10-year reunion, but I've never been able to glean what caused this huge rift in the first place. Even directly questioning has yielded no answers. It's frustrating. I mean, I loved her, we were very different people but always found common ground. I could only conclude that she was upset that I got married to a great guy, and she was still seeking that special someone. I'm sorry that happened to you.