For all the time I spend here on the computer browsing Mamapedia, I really am technologically challenged!
I reconnected with an old, good (or so I thought) friend on facebook back in November.
Long story short, she moved out to my city to take a new job, I offered to help, and really thought we were going to hang out and rekindle the friendship. Yes, I set my expectations high. It's not happening...and I am tired of feeling like the needy friend. We've had dinner once in 6 months. I text about once a month to try to make plans and always get the "Sorry, I already have plans" and then see the fb posts where she is out with her new work friend 15 minutes from where I live! I don't want to invite myself and she never offers to include me, so I just say Okay. Or, she says she's so busy with school and work and she'll let me know. and then posts on FB that her BFF and HER kids (my friend doesn't have kids) are/ did come down to hang out for the weekend. Never once has she made a phone call/text/fb message to me other than to give me her number (which I sadly assumed she did because she wanted to be my friend again).
Okay, maybe not so short! Anyway, maybe I'm everly sensitive. but this hurts my feelings. My question is.....I need to know for sure....if I defriend her off my fb, it doesn't send a 'defriended' message alert, right? She has over 400 friends, so I'm hoping I can defriend her and she won't notice for six months and then she just won't care, if she ever notices at all! Should I even care if she is offended at this point?!
Thank you all! I guess hiding will work for now. She won't notice if I don't post on her wall because she has her page set up so that NO ONE can post on her wall. We can all repond to her posts, but no one can post to her wall. I thought that was wierd but she said she did it because her mom was posting crazy stuff. Anyway, I just thought that her moving 10 miles door to door away from me would result in a 'real' friendship again, not just a fb friendship, so yes, it does upset me. And no, even if I were included with her work friends, I would NOT in any way expect her to devote all her attention on me. If I were a 'bigger' person, I guess I would just ask her what the heck she expects from me but I hate ANY kind of confrontation and I care too much about others feelings and don't like to rock the boat unless it's REALLY important. Since I am obviously not REALLY important to her, I guess it's just time to back off.
No she won't get an alert. Her friend number will just go down by 1 and anything that you posted on her wall will disappear.
.
I'm sorry, I know how you feel. I started a FB account to keep in touch with a friend who was moving out of state, and when I started it I realized that people from HS I haven't talked to in years were on FB and requesting me as a friend. So I was excited, and sent a few people messages to see how they were doing. But they never responded. I was a little hurt, but that was when I realized that just because they "friend" you on FB, it doesn't mean they want to actually be friends. Especially if they're the type to have hundreds of "friends" on their account. She definitely won't notice unless she checks for you (or if you pop up on her "suggested friends" list again), and I agree with others; you shouldn't care if she's offended. After all, she doesn't seem to care that you were trying to rekindle the friendship in the first place. Just focus on the friends you do have (real ones, I mean, not FB ones), and try to move on from the friends you no longer connect with.
She sounds like one of those ppl that just likes to have a lot of fb friends - anyone she's ever said hi qualifies as a fb friend!!! She won't get a notice. Does she ever comment on any of your posts? If not, she prob'ly wouldn't even notice if you defriended her. Otherwise just hide her so you don't have to see her posts. And not don't care if she's offended! Friendship is a two way street as someone mentioned and she hasn't cared about offending you!
I don't think she gets a defriend message, but I think there is an app. out there that they can check to see who defriended them. My question is why do you care if she knows or not? What you can always do is "hide" her. This way her post don't appear on your page but you are still her "friend". I do this a lot with "friends" that find it necessary to complain about something everyday.
I'd just hide of defriend her, not discuss it any further. You made lots of efforts to get together and she is busy or finds other friends more accessible. Isn't it aggravating to see what people are doing on FB when you're not invited!! I don't even want to go to some events but it still gives the feeling of being left out! Try not to be hurt. I met a new friend and made a couple of plans to get together for lunch. She blew it off twice, and I just gave up after that. I figured if I blew off lunch with someone it's up to me to make the effort to get back together. We still get on great when we run into each other but friendship is a two way street.
If you don't want to be her friend in "real life", then it shouldn't matter whether or not she sees the "defriended" message. I'm not sure what FB notification goes out, but I have "declined" friendship requests b/c I don't really want to see updates from people who I haven't seen/spoken to in 20 years.
If you don't want to see what she's up to all the time, just defriend her and let it go. If it bothers her (which it probably won't) she'll call you to find out "why" you defriended her. My guess is that she "friended" you b/c you went to school together and she wanted to see what you were up to- not to rekindle the friendship. Moving to your town was a coincidence and you likely have very little in common now.
If you weren't on FB, you probably wouldn't have even known she was moving! Think of it that way... if you were social-network connected (which isn't really a "friendship"), would she have called you to tell you that she was moving? Would she have known how to get in touch with you? Probably not. If you had run into each other in the grocery store, you would have exchanged numbers, but it wouldn't have been more than that.
I don't think she'll be offended and you'll stop feeling "rejected", which is really not necessary anyway.
Did you know you can hide her comments? It sounds like the comments are really rubbing it in that she is not as interested in a friendship as you would like. Maybe if you didn't see her comments, you will be able to move on, without actually defriending her (and she will not know you hide her comments either). I actually had to do this with all my brothers; they just post the most disgusting stuff on there and I don't like reading it. So I don't see their posts anymore.
On the upper right-hand side of the comment, click on the X. It will give you the options "hide this comment". "hide all by (friend's name)" and "mark as spam". Just click on "Hide all by (friend's name). You can Edit Your News Feed Settings later if you want to see her posts again.
If you delete her as a friend, she will not receive a notice. The only way she will figure it out is if she notices she is no longer seeing your posts and notices you are no longer on her friends list.
She will not get a defriend message, she will have to be searching for you.
There is another option on facebook. You can "hide" her. That way you still have her on your list and she has you on her list, but you will not see her posts unless she send you something directly. To hide her put your curser to the right of her latest post. The "Hide" will appear and you can then just hide her.
I am sorry you feel so offended. I think you did have your own expectations.
This woman moved on with her life and sounds very busy. I must admit, when I was in a work environment where I spent most of my awake hours at work.. Those are the people I mostly went out with. It is proximity and you all know what you are speaking of. She could invite you but you would not just be there with her, you would be there with these other people you do not know and she may feel she would need to focus all of her attention on you. Do not take it personally. I am sure she does not mean it that way.
I think you should be honest with her. If she is a real friend, she will realize how she has hurt you and apologize for any wrongdoing. If not, she wasn't a friend anyways. I would give her the benefit of the doubt first before defriending her--not sure if she will get a defriend message or not-so I can't help you there. But call her up and confront her-ask her if you might have offended her or if she would like to be friends. If she is full of excuses that seem like she is blowing you off, let her go. If not, then maybe try again to get together. FB is hard sometimes when you see people post things like that and you aren't included. Let us know what happens. Good luck!
M
Yup, Cheryl is totally right. Chances are your 'friend' won't notice for an indefinite period of time so don't worry about it. Even if she does notice & has the nerve to call you out on it, defend yourself! You have every right in the world not to accept being someone's doormat, there's no shame in that!
She won't be alerted.
No, it will not alert her. She will only know if she searches for you in her friend list and you are no longer there. She will probably just think something silly happened and try to friend you again - that is what happens to my hubby all the time when he defriends!
People grow, change, find new interests, etc...it happens to us all. I have had a best friend for years and there were days that we were together every day. I have outgrown her and still try to do stuff but it's hard. I don't want to hurt her feelings for anything in the world but I am tired of some things and want to have friendships that don't have that drama in them. My life is so far from perfect that I don't know if it will ever be close to normal again so it's not that. I think we have just grown apart.
I have another friend who had moved away and we reconnected through FB. She came to spend the weekend with us and my daughter caused a huge stink and I had to call the police to have her removed. My friend has never came back and hardly ever responds to my posts on FB but her mom and I play games and chat occasionally so I know how she's doing. She did not unfriend me but doesn't respond to invitations to get together.
My friend that moved to Billings MT had us come spend a week with them on our vacation and we had a blast. She has not come to visit us but we message each other on FB and I am friends with her, her kids, her sister, her nephews and nieces to play games. It is a casual contact where we can keep up with each other but not be in each others pockets all the time.
I understand your confusion. It seemed she really wanted the friendship but then acted differently. I am so sorry this happened to you. I would just decide if i wanted to hear about her life, do her posts ever make you feel uplifted, make you laugh, make you feel sadness, do they ever make you think about someone else's perspective on life? If she is not filling any purpose in your life then go ahead and unfriend her. If she notices and contacts you then you can just say you didn't realize and accept her friend request again.
I have done that before and when they noticed I wasn't showing up they just friended me again. I went ahead and accepted because I wasn't made at them just not close anymore.
Out of all my FB friends I can honestly say I only have 1 person blocked from finding me and I am still mad at her. I won't ever forgive her and friend her again. It only takes one time of a verbal attack and I am done with them. The ones I have chosen to unfriend...well, if they notice and they don't use bad language and they post anything I enjoy then I let them in again.
No I wouldn't care...Go to your friends & see if she is still listed if so then you didn't defried her & will have to do it again.I was on FB last year for a few months but I wasn't on there to make friends to send out friends requests to get buddy buddy with strangers I got sick of all of it & deleted my account,the only reason was because FB has all the companies on there so I can do all my shopping coupons discounts freebies at one site thats it.I didn't want to get in the mix of drama gossip or to have my inbox filled with someone elses game scores for games I didn't play on FB.
of course it hurts your feelings. i remember my first fb experience, i thought these people wanting to "friend" me actually were interested in ME, so i messaged someone from my past who had friended me...and got NO response! ever! i was so offended! that was when i decided that only actual "friends" and "family" would be on my fb. i have about 100 people on there and i have defriended many over time who turned out to just want to add me to their collection. forget it. i have defriended work acquaintances, old high school acquaintances...unless they are actually people you have a relationship with, don't bother. (although sometimes i do friend someone just to see what they're up to, and see if they have anything interesting to say, and if not then after a couple weeks, bye bye! some of my favorite fb "friends" are not people i would have thought...old acquaintances, but they have interesting things to say, and post on my wall and pictures, so i keep them. it's really putting out the actual effort to connect, vs, just being a fb 'ho, if you know what i mean)
