Handling Situation with In-laws

Hi L., It sounds like the brother in law doesn't think that the adopted daughter is a "real" niece. If she is to you and your husband, then they both get money or neither one does! It's hard to get upset at the one for getting so much and "making a big deal about it" because that's normal to be excited about a gift. It also sounds like you are having issues with the step daughter and not just the brother in law. That can be just as toxic to the kids. My heart is breaking for both of these girls. I would really recommend family counciling, it did wonders for us. I have a son and am married and we have 2 together, and in my first marriage i was a step parent. This is extremely difficult. Good luck.

Hello!

You need to put your foot down and let everyone know how it is going to be. Whenever anyone wants to buy the one daugther something they must buy both of them something of the same value. If people cannot respect and honor your request they should not buy neither of the girls anything.

Okay, well, I am in a situation that is kind of the same. I have a 5 yr. old son who I had before I met my husband, and when we met, my son Brenton was the only child in my husbands side of the family. Now I have another one, and one on the way, and there is a niece and nephew. I have always made it clear to his side of the family that he IS to be treated the same, or they couldn't have anything to do with any of my children. I started this as soon as my husband and I were talking of geting married. They have always gone out of there way to make him feel welcome. My husband legal adopted him after we were married. I feel that even though you and your husband adopted another daughte, that she sould hold the same status as any other children. I myself am adopted, and was treated differntly (by my dad's parents), and because of that I still don't like to be around them!! I think something should def. be said to the uncle. He needs to know how that made your daughter feel. Tell him that if he wants to take the one out shopping, then maybe he could take the other to do something special too?? I do't know how you feel about the situation, but if it were me, and this type of thig continued to happen, then none of my kids would be around them until they were all treated equal....I hope you can work this out for eveybodys sake!! Good luck!!

Hello L., I totally see where your coming from . I think that you should tell your brother in law how is hurting your daughter.
I understand that your husband doesn't want to cause any conflict.
But he also needs to understand that it is already. Maybe you need to talk to your husband about the situation. After all she is his daughter too. Best of Luck to you and yours

In my opinion something needs to be said to the uncle. It is hurting your daughter and he needs to know that he can not treat them differently. They are sisters and need to be treated as equal in his eyes. Just let him know that if he doesn't even things out that you will have to. An uncle should treat all of his nieces and nephews the same. I would have you and your husband sit down with him obviously without the kids around and tell him how much it is affecting your daughter. Maybe if he sees that it is hurting her he will realize he is in the wrong. Your daughters feelings at the moment are more important than your brother-in-laws.

Good luck!

It could be a change in financial situation as well. I know for us, that we sent gifts to people with one child and then it starts snowballing out of control and you are buying for so many that you have to adjust how much you are spending. We have 1 child and it seems like everyone we exchange with for Christmas has 2-4 kids and that can be financially draining.
I would just have your husband mention to his brother that the adopted one has asked questions about it and leave it at that. The other thing your teenager is going to have to understand is the gifts may not continue to come as they have now that she is a teenager. It's hard to say but definately don't make a huge deal about it without having your hubby talk to him first and get the skinny. If it is something where he isn't comfortable buying for both, then ask him to buy for neither.
C.

Hi L.~
I have to disagree with one response...this IS your place! These are your daughters, just b/c the offender is a relative of your husbands does NOT mean you can't address it! Honestly, I would just say "no, sorry, she can't go on the shopping trip." When the 'why' is asked, be honest! Tell him that you won't have one daughter treated differently than the other. If he realizes that he is being partial but didn't mean to be, it will give him the opportunity to fix it. If he does mean to favor one over the other, it will send the message that you won't tolerate it. If the latter is true, he is being a jerk and needs to be given boundaries. Unfortunately, that job is falling on you, but you've got to do it now before it gets to be bigger than you can handle.
Good luck and let us know what you decide!
~L.

I would mention it to him. He may not even realize it. She did not grow into the family as your stepdaughter did. I tell him it is hurtful to your other daughter, and if he could either include both or neither you would appreciate it.

L.,

This is so hard, I'm sorry that you're all enduring his insensitivity! I would ask him to make any requests to do something with your older daughter over the phone. If he asks why, just tell him, your hurting X's feelings, and I'd prefer to spare her as much as possible.

In this way, it may bring it to his attention what he's doing, as men sometimes just don't think before they do things (heck, women are too). But even if he dosen't "get it", at least future issues will be under the radar a little more, and he shouldn't feel offended.

Finally, explain to your little one that Uncle, although he means well, doesn't understand family. She's old enough I'm sure to understand this, sad as it is, if she's old enough to be hurt by his other actions.

This stinks!! So sorry (((hugs)))

C.

L.,

I'm sorry your husband isn't standing up for BOTH his daughters. He should be courageous enough to tell his brother that his adopted daughter IS his daughter and if he can't treat them equally then don't do anything at all... for either. Children always notice and as the years continue it will cause continuous issues between the girls.

Good Luck
L.

I totally know where you're coming from. It isn't your place to say anything it's your husbands. It is his brother. I have four kids 1 from a previous marriage and my husband's family treats him like one of the family. They would never dream of treating him differently.
You should insist that you husband say something. Maybe he could just tell his mom what is happening and she can address it with the brother. Chances are he doesn't feel he's doing anything wrong. Is the adopted one the younger girl? I know people that do what your brother in law is doing just because the child is younger. My best friend sent her nephew $20 for his birthday and then sent the niece only $10. Her brother was mad about it but she didn't see the problem. I have 30 nieces and nephews from 5 months to 30 and the older ones only get a card now. The younger ones get there age in money..$1 for 1 year and so on. Anyway, I hope it's just an honest mistake but your husband really needs to question the situation with his brother so that you don't end up with bad feeling toward him. Let him make you the bad guy if need be at least you won't have to worry about your kids being treated differently. Take care!

The difference in the amount of money could be do to their age.

The reason they didn't send your younger daughter a card, could be stupidity or they forgot or they are showing preference.

I would explain to your husband how it's hurting your daughter and ask he find out why.

Your Husband should definitely address the issue with his brother. He could address it as a father seeing his little girl hurt by his brother's actions. The inequity of the situation could carry over between the girls and between the uncle and your one daughter. No one wants to see the favoritism in their own family but it happens, it is up to the adults to address it and bring awareness for this sake of the children. Your husband needs to address to his brother that he has two daughters, and that they need to be treated on a more equal scale or not at all.