Children vs Stepchildren

The grandparents are wrong. I have a step father. He adopted me when I was eight. His mother the only grandmother I have ever known always called me "MY grandaughter." Iehter they give all the children the same level of attetnion and affection, or they have no contact with any of the children. Believe me no grand parent is better then harmful ones. And make no mistake, these grand parents are going harm. They are preventing the children from becomeing a true family. Having sibilings is a rare and wonderful relationship that these grandparents are distroying for the children.

Hi D.,

I would invite your mother-in-law over for a morning coffee break or something, when your husband and kids are not home, and then gently broach the subject with her.

Don't get mad and act resentful, that will just make it worse.

Simply explain to her that, since you moved to their town to be with your husband and his family, that they are now a part of your own family, and since your blood relatives live too far away to do things on a regular basis with your children, you would appreciate it if she and her husband could step in and help out.

Nicely explain that your kids feel very left out, and that you would like them to learn that, no matter if they are blood-related or not, they are still important in your husband's life, and are now part of his family. Also, your stepson should learn to accept them as his family, and as long as they are being excluded by your husband's parents, they will never truly feel a part of the family there, which can be very hurtful and bad for their self-esteem. They may even become resentful of their stepbrother because of this.

It could very well be that your in-laws aren't sure that you would even want them to spend more time with your children...if you don't tell them, they won't know. They might think you wouldn't want them to be 'replacements' for your own parents. Tell your mother-in-law that you don't want replacements, you just want your kids to be included and feel like a part of their family, which they are now.

Hope it helps...good luck and Happy Holidays.

This is a very hard and 'touchy' situation. I am a stepmom of a 16yr and also have a 14 mos old with my husband. I try to treat both girls the same. The problem that I've encountered is that my husband doesn't treat both girls equally. He gives his 1st daughter everything and has little restraint when it comes to spending on her (something I see as unresolved guilt from his divorce) but does not do the same for our child which makes me resentful of both he and my stepdaughter at times. He claims that the little one doesn't know any different but I do. I do know how it feels to not have your partner stand up for your children. It's also difficult when you try to do what's best for all of the children and others play favorites to a few. I would try to have a candid, non-threatening talk with your spouse and tell him how much you think this is hurting your children and that it is putting a wedge in the family the 2 of you have tried to create. Be specific about the ways you think it's hurting them, i.e., low self-esteem, not feeling a part of the family, etc. Then tell him what you think a solution is, i.e., the 2 of you have a candid talk with his parents, restricting the amount of time the son spends with the grandparents - whatever it is that you decide as a remedy but have some proposals on the table to get him thinking about it. Tell him you want to talk again about it in a few days after he's had time to think about it. Hopefully he will listen and act on this with his parents. Unfortunately in my experience men would rather deal with 'clean up detail' from things gone wrong that be proactive and say something when they should before things get too bad. I'm sure that you see the 'big picture' more than your girls do right now but I know that eventually they will re-sent their step brother and possibly your husband, too, if it continues. Good luck -

We had some friends who this happened with their children even though none of the children were step children. The only difference was a grandson vs. 2 granddaughters (all were brothers and sisters). The grandparents would always invite the girls for trips and special things, but not the grandson. It made the mom (daughter-in-law) feel terrible for her son but it never changed. Her husband didn't want to mention it to his parents either (as seems the norm). The grandson didn't understand but when possible, the parents (one or both) would make plans to do something together while the girls were away or let him have friends over. It sounds like you don't have much time to spare for the girls, but it will all work out in the end. I would try to make as little as issue of it as possible. We hate to see our children hurt, but your daughters will mature and get other interests to occupy their time in the near future. This is probably one of those things you just are better off letting go of.

While you can't expect your in-laws to love your girls the same way the they love your stepson, it's not unreasonable to ask your husband to have a talk with his son about rubbing your girls' noses in the fact that his grtandparents shower him with attention and gifts and theirs can't. Your steoson may not even be aware that his behavior is hurtful to the girls and to you. But the talk needs to come from his dad, not from you.

Perhaps you could plan a girls' night for the times when he's at his grandparents' house. Rent some teen chick flicks, pop popcorn, do each other's nails - have a slumber party. Make the fact that you're home and he's not a chance to celebrate being close with your girls instead of grieving that your in-laws didn't invite them.

D.,
You have a right to feel resentment and be concerned. That is not right. When their son had a child and went into a marriage with a woman with a child they should have been caring enough to realize that they not only have ONE grand kid but THREE. They will probably always love their own flesh and blood more but as adults they shouldn't ever let that show.
First of all I would talk to my husband about my concerns. If he doesn't see it, then he is probably going to say that you are over reacting so when you talk to him you probably need to have specific examples to throw at him.
Second, next time his parents asked the boy to spend the night, I would make sure that I explained to them that we were a family now and that you BOTH were trying to make each child feel like everything was fair and equal between the kids because you don't want any hurt feelings so instead of him spending the night with them, you TWO are going to take ALL of the children out to a movie or for ice cream or the park or some kind of family night. Allow him to go less and less until they get the picture. Unless they are totally DENSE... they will eventually realize it. Just make sure that everytime they do this you mention FAIR AND EQUAL TREATMENT TO ALL.
Third, if that doesn't work, I would start getting MEAN!!!!!I would make up the difference to my children. You work.....so when they buy him stuff, I would make a shopping day and take my kids out and buy them things. I would let the bills go until my husband GOT THE PICTURE. But i would make sure that my kids had something to brag about too.
Fourth, If your husband and his parents still DON'T GET IT, I would rethink my marriage. You wouldn't want anything to happen to your kids that would damage their self esteem. They could grow up thinking that they didn't have anything to do with them because they weren't "good" enough. So by making up the difference, you are making sure they know they are "good enough".

I am sorry but they are just plain WRONG. You have got to fix this for the sake of your children and you have to put them before your husband. He can take care of himself but your children can't. It is up to you to protect them.

If nothing else comes out of this, you will have learned a good lesson. It may be that one of your girls or both of them grow up to marry someone with a ready made family and you will know how to treat the other children in that relationship. And you will be a great step grandparent simply because you know how if feels. So no matter what happens, take with you all the knowledge you have gained throughout this entire ordeal and it can only make you a better person.

I will say a little prayer for you. Good luck and let me know how it goes.

Address the issue head on. Just reading your request makes me furious.

It may seem like the worse of the worse, but address the issue head on and let your husband know how you and the girls feel by their actions. If he refuses to change things then he probably doesn't love you like he should. And my suggestion would be that it's time to bail from the marriage.

Think about it here... who's really getting hurt? You or your girls?? I'm guessing it's the girls and you're just feeling the back lash from it for their sake.

Is everything else in the family's relationship picture perfect? How does he treat your children? These are all questions to ask yourself. It will definately help you to determine if he really cares... HINT HINT and if he does he will work to resolve these issues or at least explain his parents side or why he can't control what they do... it may hurt your feelings but you and girls deserve to know.

I can totally understand the resentment towards all the above. I am the product of a his, her and ours family. My parents had 6 children but only 1 together. We like to refer to her as the GOLDEN CHILD. She didn't receive more material items but could do NO WRONG in either of my parents eyes. We are all grown now and can tease about it but it was a blow to our little esteems growing up. As far as your daughter, having a mother that cares so deeply for them (in the long run) we be all they need. It sounds like you've exhausted all reasonable means for correcting the problem. Not sure how you feel about God but I would turn it over to him in pray. The best of luck to you and your family. I truely hope this is resolved soon. Merry Christmas!!

I feel for you. You are in a VERY difficult situation which probably has you thinking you have to be everything to everybody. I feel I am that same kind of person, trying to be everything to everybody. Speaking from experience, you can't be, because someone will ALWAYS be unhappy and it will probably be you in the long run. You are a mother of three, a wife and a daughter; your sanity has limitations. I'm sure you could try to do everything and may be able to keep up with it in the short run, but eventually, you will burn out and you will be in a worse spot than you are now.

It is my opinion that you should find SOME way to, FIRST, accept the situation because it is what it is. Your husband's parents are not going to change. Your stepson isn't going to change (or want things to change). Your husband thinking won't change in regards to confronting his parents. The health of your parents may or may not change. Look at the situation and see what control you really have over the situation. SECOND, prioritize YOUR role: mother, daughter, wife; or daughter, mother, wife; etc. What's on fire and who needs you the most right now?

Maybe when you are with your parents, your husband can take ALL the kids to his parent's house to visit. When you know your husband's parents are taking your stepson, conveniently NEED to leave your husband with the girls. I pretty sure he'll convince his parent's that he needs help entertaining all three! If he's not the type to willingly to step up, I would seriously consider some family counseling to help your family see that you need help. Good luch and God bless.

I would like to say, I'm very sorry to hear about your parents and I can truly sympathize. May I ask if you all sat down to discuss and way out all your options before you got married and moved to his home. If your husband is not being compassionate to your needs and your feelings, Im not sure what can happen at this point. It sound like his parent do not accept your children because your husband is not the natural father, and that should not make a difference. Children are innocent and division brings seperation. So try talking to your husband again so you all can get some understanding and make change. Family is so very important. As parents we must try to make things work out for the better!

God is the ultimate answer if you turn it over to Him. There are a few things you can do....Since the children are getting older they may be interested in going to sporting events at their future high school. Let the kids invite some friends over on Friday evenings. There are a lot of activities on Friday nights that the boy would miss out on or insist that he be there too. Reclaim your son and Friday nights as family night...the Grandparents can come along when appropriate (so you are not seen as shutting them out) but they need to realize that there are five of you in the household. When your son spends time with the grands, still have family time with the girls. If the girls are upset, remind them to turn it over to God and help them understand that there are so many people who love them and do not behave so self-centered. The grandparents behaviour exhibits their insecurity and the girls are old enough to understand why bullies pick on people....this is just another way of being bullied.

I am a step-mom with two boys that live with their mom. She behaves like your in-laws at times trying to be the one they love most. Since we do not have children together, it is only my frustration. I decided to not let her have control of "me" and now I handle things better for myself and for the boys. Children have big hearts and these boys love me and my side of the family so much that they ask if we can spend vacations with Memaw!

I think hubby needs to step up and be a real man and tell his parents that those girls are his now and they are a part of the family. He don't just have a son, he has a son and 2 daughters. He needs to tell them that they need to treat them all the same and do the same things for all 3 of them and not just the blood grandson. When I met my husband 7 1/2 years ago, my mother hated him. He was a separated father of a 1 1/2 yr old little boy. At christmas, even though she didn't care for him, she bought his son gifts as well. She didn't leave him out just because he wasn't her grandson. Right now my brother has a steady girlfriend. They have been together for about 5 years now. She had 2 boys from a previous marriage. My daughter is 4, the boys are 4 & 5. Never once has my mom treated those boys different. Now they have a son together, so they have 3 boys (ouch) and she still goes all out for all 4 of the kids, not just her 2 blood grandkids. She loves them all the same. Well, Linzi a little more cause she was the first born, but that's besides the point. She still don't treat the others any differently. They all call her grandma, except the baby who calls her Ama (grandma minus a few letters). LOL Anyways, hour husband needs to step up and do his duty as the girls New dad to make sure that they are accepted and treated as they should be. Not like outcasts. Good luck hun. I hope things get better for you. If you would just like to chat sometime don't hesitate to write me. ____@____.com If you have MySpace look for me using my address. Don't let it get you down too much, cause if nothing else your girls do have you.

As a stepchild myself I totally understand. What a lot of people don't realize is how much it affects the child that is left out. If your husband refuses to deal with this then he is doing the same thing and chosing his son over your daughters. It is plain wrong. The best advice that I can give is to tell your husband that you and him are going to have to make up the difference. If he thinks that what his son is getting isn't much then he wont mind paying for you to take your girls out to eat and to the movies and buying gifts of the same magnitude of what his son recieves. Once he sees how this adds up he will see what kind of a difference there was. Or maybe he wont. But if he refuses to deal with the situation AND refuses to let you make things fair then you need to take a closer look at the relationship.

I know that sounds harsh but I have had a horrible time with step parents. My step mother of 16 years has always given her kids money and they got away with everything. My step fathers have been the same. When you are always left out or always dumped on....IT KILLS YOUR SELF ESTEEM!!!!

I just got divorced in August and that is my biggest fear. I know that I have it in me to always put my kids first. I will never allow my children to suffer the way I did.

This isn't just about material things and nights out. It will affect your girls perception of themselves and it gives them a twisted role model of a family..

that i know all to well.
1st you have to get you and your husband on the same page then he not you needs to set down ground rules for his child, then his parants. you need to adress this with your childern, thin together you and your husband stand firm
if you let them keep your family slit it will divide
i wish you the best of luck and a prayer

D.,
I know exactly what you are going through! Since you already asked your husband to talk to his parents about the situation and he would'nt,as hard as it seems you need to talk to your inlaws and let them know that your girls are feeling hurt and left out.You may be surprised how your inlaws respond(in a good way.)The sooner you talk to them the better for everybody.The same thing happened to my sister.Now the Grandfather buys for ALL 3 kids or none.No more hurt feelings.
I hope your stepson's Grandparents truly understand how important it is to treat All the kids the same.

In His Hands,
R.

i know u probaly do not want to address the problem with your husband and his parents. but if u do not it will probably end your marriage. i would say pray about it and ask God to give you the words and then speak to your husband and his parents. if they respect you and love you enough they will make some changes. you have alot going on with your parents and you don't need any extra stress in your life. i am sorry about that and i will pray for you. but in the mean time just talk to them and if it is that important to you than it should be just as important to them. they should trat all of your children the same. i hope i have helped you with this problem. good luck and God bless you.one more thing i had some what of the same issue with my husbands mother and i told my husband that i come first and if he did not take up for me i would not be a happy camper when you marry you leave your parnts and have a new family to worry about. you and your children should always come first and he should take up for you no matter who it is.

D. - Definitely a tough situation. Had a similar instance with grandparents who favor one child over the other. Speak with your husband - it probably won't work right away - but ultimately something will come of it. Secondly, I agree with the person who talked about doing a family night - when the kids (including their favorite) are not available all the time, the grandparents get the picture (and it doesn't take long.) In my experience, you don't have to hit them over the head - they get it.

Good luck.

I'm not in the situation so I can't give advice based on personal experience, however, I'm wondering if your dh lets this go on because of the guilt HE feels towards his son for not being with his mom. He and his mom/stepdad may be trying to overcompensate for what they feel your step-son has had to go through. I can understand the resentment but don't let it take a hold of you, it will destroy your relationship. Instead try and find other ways of including everyone.........if you are home on Friday nights have your stepson stay home and have a family game night, pizza and movie night or something that involves you and the girls. I think you should keep trying to explain to your husband how this behavior hurts the girls feelings and you can also mention it to his parents.....maybe suggesting that what they buy for him stays at their house for when he comes to visit. Try not to hold this against him-- it is their behavior and the fact that your girls are left out that you are truley upset about. You can teach him about manners and tact though and let him know that it is not ok to brag about things just to hurt/or if you know it hurts someone elses feelings.
Best of luck to you.

Hi D.,
I don't have any step-children (although I am a step-child) so I can't give you any first hand advice but the only thing I can suggest is talking it over with your husband. Help him to see how it's affecting your girls. Hopefully he will understand and feel comfortable talking to his parents about the issue. To give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe your husbands parents aren't meaning to hurt any feelings. In this situation, I think being open and honest (not in an attacking manner) will be best way to have resolve.
Good luck.

D... I have to say i know where you are coming from on this.. I have a 6yr old son from a nother marriage and my husband has a 15yr old from a nother and we have a 1 yr old together and I moved 2hrs away from my mom and dad to be with my husband and my husbands granmother give's the 15yr old every thing under the sun and buys him thing and he stay's all night there alot. She has got to where she down talks my 6yr old just cause he is not her grand child. The 6yr old ask all the time my maw dont love him and never givs him stuff like she does bubby and my husband does and say's nothing about it to her. I know it's bad to say but it's getting to the point to where i cant stand this women and my step son because of this.. So i dont even go to her house any more and i dont answer her call's when she calls my home cause all she wants is to baby the 15yr old. She thinks this kid does no wrong.. He hit me the other night and i had him sent down town to juvi and she dont think i should of called the cops on him.. So all i can say is good luck and tell your hubby how you feel he needs to say some thing to his mom & dad and tell them it's not right to treat him diff then the girls.

I can imagine your hurt but they don't think as you do and neither does your husband. I strongly recommend that you pray and ask the Lord to help you with a solution. Give this problem to Him and he will handle it for you. In the meantime, the problem is with Him, freeing you up to be happy. It's the only solution and it works. You are within your rights to speak with kindness to them about the situation and tell them that you are giving this to God and letting Him handle it. Watch for His solution. It will happen.

My cousin went through a similar thing growing up. Though she was treated badly by her stepmom. Anytime she went to stay the weekend with her dad (+ stepmom & 2 younger half-siblings), she was made to cook, clean & babysit. Her stepmom wouldn't buy her things whenever she was out with them, though she bought the 2 younger kids stuff in front of her. Said that that was what child support was for! Needless to say, my whole family hates this woman haha

Once my cousin became an adult, she stopped visiting her dad & stepmom so much. Now none of us really see her much anymore.

Please, PLEASE try to get your in-laws & husband to see that this is hurting your girls. Every child is important and should be treated as such. There is no reason they can't spoil your girls as they do the boy.