Handling Continuous Play Date Cancellers

Hi A.,

I am right in line with not telling the kids your plans until they actually happen. It saves a bunch of heartache and their hurt feelings.

Having said that, I'm orginially from the mid-south, add to that the fact that my mom had me late in life, and this kind of inconsiderate behavior was downright forbidden. There were expactations of adults and manners were deeply ingrained from the time me and all my friends could walk. Not only is it inappropriate to cancel and not call, it sets a terrible example for the children who are in the middle.

At the same time, we were taught to respond in a way that was maybe less direct, but still got the point across. We could hate the sight of someone coming our direction down the sidewalk, but we were always to be polite.

This is how I would handle it...If they call and cancel because of an illness or an emergency ask if there is anything you can do to help, for example "Oh, Johnny has a fever? I am so sorry to hear that. Do you have everything you need like tylenol? Is there any way I can be helpful?" or "Your car broke down? Do you need a ride to the mechanic? Would you like me to come pick Johnny up for the playdate? I would hate for him to be disappointed and I know my kids really enjoy his company." It serves two purposes. The first one is obviously to keep a connection with the other parent that makes you more available and them more likely to reschedule. The other purpose is, if they are lying, you leave them swimming in a sea of guilt and put them in the position of squirming a bit. They know that you are going to call them on it and there isn't much they can do because you are merely being nice.

If it's a no show/no call, then you call them. If they are over 20 minutes late call and talk to them or leave a message that says something like, "Hi, this is A., I was calling because we had a play date scheduled and I wanted to make sure everything was ok. I'm sure something really big must have come up so if you need any help with anything give me a call." If they actually answer the phone and give an excuse then you say something like, "Oh, I wish you would have called to let me know. Maybe there was some way I could help. Next time let me know and I'll do what I can to help out. I'll even pick up Johnny so he doesn't miss the play date we promised them."

I would also call the night before to confirm. That gives them a chance to get out of it gracefully and also lets them be accountable.

It's a win/win really, because you are not alienating their kids from yours, while at the same time not allowing the rudeness to go unanswered.

We had the same problem with one of the play groups we were in. I decided to confront the mom about it and once we pointed it out she decided that she was not going to join us. I also told her that I am not going to count on her when she said she was going to do something because she always would back out. I was not being mean or trying to be mean but after 3 years of this I was done. She would not show up when a group of us would get together for a moms night, even if it was one mile from her house. That was what really got me mad.
Good luck, I have been there.

I wish I had thought of the approach that Lisa wrote about.

I'm not advocating this behavior, but I'm wondering if the set-up of the playdates, to them, is an implied "drop in". I've had numerous playdates in the last 10 years. Some are small, 2-3 kids and set up on days we could all be there. Others have been larger, meeting at a park, or at a house. The larger ones seemed more of a standing date and whoever was available could come by. Could it be possible that the no-shows or cancellers think this is the case? Now, if it's just your kids and theirs and they don't show - that's just plain rude. I would agree with Lisa. Be very willing to help out after you call to see "what's wrong ....why didn't they show?" You'll come get their child if they are unable to make it. Stress that your kids were really looking forward to the playdate. You could also explain (whether true or not) that if they weren't going to come over, you'd make other plans to take your kids to the park, mall, or another activity. You want to keep the kids entertained and if there's no playdate, you'd be doing something else.
Good luck!!

Hi, A.,

I encountered this problem at one time, also. The way I handled it was to arrange playdates to meet at McDonalds (where there is a playground) or in the summer, at the park. That way, even if they didn't show up, my children still had fun, and weren't disappointed. Plus the next time my children DID see the other kids, they always said something about it, (why didn't you come to the park with us? It was so fun!) leaving the mom to answer her kid's questions about why THEY didn't get to go to the park. :)

Blessings,
J.

are they group play dates where the person not showing thinks they will not be missed? either way, I would confirm the day before or morning of --before you invest in getting ready or showing up or telling the kids. in a nice way, you could say...we are really looking forward to...we are still on, right? and even follow with, please let me know if something changes.

Well, like the other post suggested, first, don't tell the kids about the play-date. If the other people show up, then great! The kids won't be disappointed.

One of the reasons we began not telling our kids about scheduled outings was that it would always seem to turn out that someone would get sick or something would come up that would warrant cancelling it. SO, to avoid the disappointment, we wouldn't tell them until we were walking out the door or until the other people would call and say, "We're on our way right now!"

You can approach it a couple of ways. The first way would be to be direct with them. Let them know that "don't set it up and not follow through" - you and the kids have been frustrated/disappointed too many times, and if this keeps happening, then you won't be able to schedule any more play dates with them because they aren't reliable.

Another way would be to just keep filtering them out, and not schedule any playdates with them anymore. Of course, they'll likely realize something's going on and ask, then you'll have to tell them anyway.

Then, there's the "turnabout is fair play" way. Go ahead and schedule the play date on a day at a time you have something else planned. Don't show up, don't call. When they arrive and nobody's there, they'll get mad, saying her kids were disappointed, and ask what's going on. Then you'll have to tell them "Since you never show up, we didn't think you were serious about it. And now you know how our kids feel!"

In any event, it's likely going to end up with "the truth coming out" - that those who show up and take the play-dates seriously are frustrated with those who don't (show up or take it seriosly). So - tell them the truth, and don't schedule play dates with them unless you are certain they're planning on following through, and if they keep it up, then just quit planning play dates with them altogether. It isn't worth the frustration to you or the disappointment to your kids.

For what it's worth, and good luck!

Well, I would say the easiest thing to do is to not let the kids know when someone's coming over. That way they're not being disappointed. Also, if people are doing it consistently, I'd stop inviting them over. One of my friends would do this to me. She'd say she was coming, and I'd get a call from her the next day or something saying she was sorry and wanting to reschedule. Well, come to find out, she was having certain issues with me personally that she was choosing to keep from me. We didn't even speak for about 3 years. Well, when she finally came to me about it and we talked it out, she quit doing the no shows. In fact, she keeps in touch now better than I do! So, not to be mean, but I truly think that if someone WANTS to hang out with someone, they keep their plans. If it's just simply not important to them, or even as far as being something they don't really enjoy, THAT is where you have no shows. Maybe these mothers aren't enjoying the playdates, and therefore don't feel the responsibility of going to them or calling to cancel. I'd let them go, and maybe they'll come around... in the meantime, remember that it's just not worth trying to hang out with people who obviously aren't enjoying the time together.