Half-hearted Father

my sons father up until a few years ago was like this.....basically, I found that there is nothing you can do to get them to see their children any more often than is convenient for them

he also still tries to convince my sons, who are 8 and 10, that his house is a better place for them.......needless to say, that did NOT work, although with the fact that my new husband is in the military my sons are now starting to believe that maybe staying with Dad when Mom. step-dad and little sisters move out of state would be the best thing for the boys.

I do tell my sons that their dad loves them, and so does he, but when they were not seeing him on a regular basis they did ask if he did, and they would also start asking when they got to see him.

Hope this helps

The best advise I can give, is for you to seek the help of a therapist that deals with children and divorce. this way both you and your son will get the support you need and a place to support your son in the healthiest way. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this kind of father. I wish you and your son the best.

Yes, it is very common when the girlfriend is a barren uterus who wants your kid. Immature is what he is. Everytime he says something like that at pick up or drop off write it down.
You need to keep a diary. Also there is a site through which all the e-mail can go so you dont' get them directly.
Keep all his e-mail especially the nasty critical ones. You will need them in court.

My grandson's father wasn't very interested in him until he was older, around 4 or 5. He did have him for his court ordered parenting times because he was living with his parents who doted on their grandson. I suspect that if his parents weren't there for his son he would've been less likely to take his.

You cannot teach him his father loves him. Love has to be experienced. You can help by not being critical or saying anything negative about his father. You can promote a good relationship by working on understanding that his father most likely does love him but is unable to show that love right now in the way that you expect him to. Accept his father as he is. Be non-judgmental. Encourage parenting time but don't work at being in control. Let life unfold as it will with the father he has.

You can teach your son to be a better father by being a sensitive and loving parent. Your son will learn how to love thru his relationship with you. Boys without fathers can grow up to be good fathers. It's the quality of their relationship with all sorts of people that causes us to mature in a healthy way.

I can't fix your ex, so no comments about that.

The best thing for your son is that you and his dad get along. So in order for your son to not feel rejected, and you to stop being angry at your ex, I suggest you adopt a more flexible visitation plan. That being, the dad sees him when he wants to, with you being the primary custodian. Otherwise, your son is going to know that dad doesn't want him on days when dad is "forced" to have him.

I don't think the statement "I know you don't want to go home but you have to go with your mom. I'll come and get you again next week though" is such a bad thing for him to say. If your son is feeling like he doesn't want to go home at that moment, then that's just the truth of his feelings, it's nothing against you personally. Children who have to split time between mommy and daddy often feel that way, about having to leave either parent.

You be the bigger person. Do what's best for your son, and make sure he sees dad when dad actually wants to spend time with him. Remember - moms are best.

You cannot teach this man to love your son and treat him the way a father should treat his son....he doesn't know or care about real love.
I would say your first and only priority is your son. I admire you for not trash talking about your ex around your son...this IS his Father and he needs to be able to forge his own relationship with his Dad as he gets older.
I Would not count on your ex for any sort of help with your son...don't give him the chance to tell you "no". If no heat and 19 degrees in your home is not enough for him to change his plans and help you out by giving your son a warm place to stay..then I don't think anything is going to get to him!!!
I hope you have other strong and postitive male figures in your life that can be an example to your son and show him how a REAL man relates to people. If not...make that a priority...look into Big Brothers or some other organization like it.
Don't comment when your ex makes those ridiculous comments about "you have to go back to Mommy even if you don't want to"...that just gives them more weight in his mind AND in your sons' mind. Act like you don't hear them...just ignore them completely. Just provide a warm, loving home for your son...let him know every moment of every day how much you love him and how happy you are to be his Mom and those ridicul;ous comments will have no effect on him at all!! It sounds like he is spending very little time with his Dad...so YOU are the primary one that is effecting his upbringing.
Try your very best not to be angry with your ex...I would be SAD for him..look at all of the wonderful times he is missing out on with his son...and believe me...someday...when your son is older...he will pay for this...because your son is going to see for himself ...without a word from you...what kind of a man his Father really is!!!
Good luck to you

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I have been going through this for a few years with my ex now-- only he is now more sly about saying things to my daughter. He does it when I am not around and she blows up later when she is at home. As best you can, keep being consistent and calm when these things happen. Your son needs to see that he has one strong and loving parent who is able to deal with his father. Over time, it will be helpful for your son to know other strong and healthy relationships, especially with men, in your life. For my daughter, she adores a couple of good friends in our life-- a grandfatherly pastor and another male friend who accept her for who she is and places no demands on her. Also, these friends do not badmouth anyone, including her mother. My point is that you may not be able to help your ex change much, but you can control what happens at home and how the reaction will be. There will be times when your son will get mad at you and that will often be because he can--- he feels safe with you and you are the safe parent for whom he can vent. There are going to be some tough times ahead so I wish you the best support and love you can find. When my daughter has meltdowns about things her dad has told her about me, when she goes into tantrums and rages now about it, I try to keep calm as much as possible and keep the vision of the life I hope she will end up having and work towards that. I wish you the best. Hugs to you!

It sounds exactly like my father was. He would only pick my brother up 50% of the time (my parents divorced when we were 4 and 3 yrs old). He was very non-committed and flaky. He started seeing us every other weekend like he was supposed to only when he began dating my now step-mom. On our visits he pretty much did his own thing and we saw him at dinner time. We would play with our step mom's kids. We just were not convenient to our dad and we did not get much quality time with him growing up. He did not go to our recitals or sports games or whatever. He also would make snide comments about our mom...or something like, don't listen to her and the lies she tells you about me. Well, you need to do what our mom did. She took the high road. She said nice things about him and always told us she wanted us to have a good relationship with our father. My brother and I saw through the things our father said. As adults we are friendly to him but we are not close. He has lied to himself all these years about what a great father he was. He TOTALLY believes these lies...it's like he brainwashed himself. It's sad. It's sad for your son. I just want to say I'm sorry.

It reminds me of my dad when I was growing up. He put my mom through hell and I would get very let-down when I couldnt see him.
When I was 6, she went back to court and demanded more child-support ($he was paying $120 a month) and court-ordered with his employer aware, that he had to comply of my mom would have full custody.
Good luck.

Tell "Dad" that he sucks A**. The problem here is that he is not hurting YOU...he is hurting the kiddo....I had a suck a** Dad like that...he died a couple of years ago with not much grief from me. Men that do this to your children have NO idea WHAT they do to their kids.

i think you are pretty wonderful. this guy hasn't stepped up to the plate very well, but the first thing you emphasize is that he loves his son, and your child loves his dad.
good for you.
you don't need to 'teach' your son that his dad loves him. for all his shortcomings, he IS getting that across. children don't understand the nuances of good parenting, but they do know whether or not they're loved and it's good that yours is, from both sides.
you also don't need to promote a good relationship between them. which is good because that's out of your control for the most part. the best thing you can do, which it sounds as if you are already doing, is refuse to participate in the petty mean-spirited snarking that the dad is doing. only participate in positive (or at least neutral) conversations with your child about his dad. when you need to vent, do it here or with friends.
many parents do engage in the sort of ugly manipulative talk at drop-off time. don't try to compensate! it will just spiral downward. rise above it, ignore it. kids learn what they live, not what's said to them. when the rubber meets the road, he's learning that both parents love him, even if his dad isn't the one who's there and dependable. and that's the truth, isn't it?
khairete
S.

Your ex is an A_hole. Sorry for the rough words. But here's my advice:

First, don't try to convince your son that his dad loves him. If you do, your son might grow up with all the wrong ideas about love (like, not being there for your kid even when the power is out and you had to go play sports is "love"). If I were you and the boy asked, "Why does dad do that?" and so on, I'd tell him, "If there is something bothering you, talk to your dad openly about it." But that is just me.

Second, have a good talk with the boy's father. A real honest talk. Ask him, does he not realize what he is doing is NOT love or does not prove the love he claims he has for his son? What kind of upbringing did he have anyway? It could be your ex honestly has no idea how to be a father if no one showed him.

Third, look to other men in your family for a role model for your son. Even telling him stories of your own childhood - like grandfather, father, uncle, etc. - and the way REAL men and GOOD fathers act, would help inspire him to be a good father one day.

Most of all, teach your son to learn from other people. When people do good, you learn what to do. When people do bad, you learn what NOT to do. At this time, all his dad shows him is what NOT to do, and how NOT to be a parent. You owe it to your son to teach him to stand up to life's challenges and be a better man than the screw-ups he runs into now and then.

We've tried to deal with people like that. Honestly, if it's a minor flaw, or an occasional thing, talking helps... but only if the guy is the type of man who acknowledges mistakes and wants to improve. Otherwise no. I rarely see real change. But you can try. And for your son's sake, it is worth the try.

The guy sounds like he acts like a dad only when he feels like it. Not a good thing. Good luck and best wishes. You sound like a good mom!

Ha! he says those things to make himself feel better about the half committed self centered father that he is. You should tell him his son wants to go live with him full time, see how he reacts to that, tell him he doesnt want to come home with me anymore you should keep him...What a fool, I can totally visualize the image he is trying to protray with this new gf. Sad thing is if your ex doesnt change its only going to get worse for your son. but no matter what no one, not ever the courts can force that desire in his heart to WANT his son around.