Grieving

When I lost my son, I found an outlet on the internet. Grief Recovery Online. There are all types of chat rooms. Maybe if he talked with someone his own age it might help him.

A., I'm very sorry for the loss you & your son have experienced. Maybe, you should try an outside source for some counciling. Does his school have councilors or are you active in a church? Sometimes it's easier for kids at this age to talk to some one outside the situation. Maybe he knows you are also feeling very badly & doesn't want to make you feel worse dealing with his grief also. He is acting out, as you've said, because of his grief & has no other way to deal. It doesn't make you a bad mom if you can't help him, actually, kudos to you for realizing that you can't. You've experienced a devastating loss & it's your right as a human being to not be strong. Are there other family members close that may help? Punishment probably isn't an option if he's acting out of sadness & loss. Explaining that feeling the way he does is understandable & together you & he will find a way for the 2 of you to work things out.
Good Luck, Blessed Be ~ M.

It might be helpful if you sit him down and explain that you understand his sorrow as you also lost someone really inportant but that his loss does not excuse his behavior. He will be punished for said behavior but maybe the two of you can come up with a constructive way to mourn your mother's passing together. Good Luck.

I am so sorry for your loss. There are groups that meet, nonformally, that can help with this sort of thing. Basically you just talk about it and sometimes just talking about it is all you need. It could benefit both of you. However I would say that if his actions are too disruptive they do need to be punished. I know its a difficult thing to punish him for grieving but he needs to finds a more productive way to grieve. Maybe it would help to "adopt" a person at a local nursing home that doesnt have family come and visit them.
I will keep you in my prayers.
S.

Hi A. - Sorry to hear about your losses. I am thinking that if your son is not close to his father, then losing his grandpa was like losing a parent. Also, he may feel like he has been abandoned, especially if you aren't emotionally available for him. Sounds like the two of you would benefit from family counseling with a therapist that specializes in grief. You and your son are going through this together, so getting together and talking about your losses with a therapist would benefit both of you. Remember that you are the adult in this situation and need to lead by example. Try to be home for your son and available to him...have dinner together, family time, help him with his homework, and get him to talk about how he feels when things are quiet. You expressing your grief to him and telling him that you are so thankful to have him in your life will help. I hear that you are a strong Christian, so you understand that their love and spirits have not died, only the body. Explain that to your son and explain that his grandpa is still watching out for him and would want him to do well in school...perhaps give him something special to remember Grandpa. My husband lost his grandfather around the same age, and every once in a while, he still talks to him through journaling. That is another idea that may help right now...buy him a journal to write to grandpa and let him know that he hears him. Bless you and your precious family.

L.

I am truly sorry aobut your loss. It is such a hard thing to go through, though a little different, my daughters best freind moved far away and she is going through the grieving process and acting up a lot also. I notice a difference when I do not get so upset at her when she does act up. It has helped, letting her see me cry, and crying together. It helped to have special time doing things that are fun. Pray together. Include him more than usual in things, for example, if he is interested in something, try to become very interested too. Maybe find a hobbie or sport that is new to focus on.
Death is awful thing, I recommend www.biblestudents.com click Bible Topic and the Suffering, read the online booklet "And God Cried" which is very comforting. God bless you.

Arpil:
I am sorry to hear about your loss and I know that it is even harder to deal with your own grief when you are worred about those around you. There is a place in dayton, Oak Tree Corner. They deal specifically with children (and their families)who are coping with loss. Their website is:
http://www.oaktreecorner.com/index.htm. Another organization that you might want to check out is Fernside Center for Grieving Children, in Cincinnati. Their website is:
http://www.fernside.org/.
I work as a Hospice Chaplain in Cincinnati and know that Fernside has a very good reputation and does a lot of good work. I am less familiiar with Oak Tree, only because most of the families that I work with are in the Cinci area.
I will certainly include the two of you (and the rest of your family) in my prayers.

Wow,my heart really goes out to you,...I'm so sorry for your loss,I think the best advice I could give is to keep praying and keep the faith.Your son needs you to be strong ,consistant and to continue disipline as usual,yes he is grieving but he needs to see you as a strong leader..don't let him learn to use grief as a reason or excuse for bad behavior..he knows he is wrong..the thing that kept me going when my dad died was to try to be a good person so I could be with him again one day..I'm sure you taught your son that ,just remind him gently..time will heal this ,and it is a good opportunity to bond and be stronger for it,you can turn the pain into a positive connection to your family as well..you all need each other and your mom would want you to be there for each other.

Hello A.. I'm sorry for your losses. I hope you might check grief counseling through church or your local hospitals. If your church won't open their hearts out to you and your son, there are other churches in which you can connect. You can look online too, but it's good to make personal connections with someone face to face to help you and your son grieve. I have been in your place, it does get better. Sadness of loss never goes away, but time, friendship, support, and love gets you through each day. My prayers are with you and I hope you and your son find some peace. Take care.

Please just try to be understanding. I understand that you are grieving too, but remember that not only is he just twelve, but he has lost not just your mother, but the rest of his support group because you are hurting and don't want be around the rest of your family. I know that this is extremely hard for you and I'm so sorry for your loss, but maybe it would help if you could both be with them and talk about your memories and help each other heal. God is with you both and he gave you this support system to help you get through this. Your son may be acting out so much because he hasn't been able to share his grief with his family(including you) who share these memories and love of his Grandmother. God Bless you and be patient, all will come in time.

Hey A. W.-

I first of all want to say how sorry I am to hear of your loss. I am sure that this is a very diificult time for you, your son and your whole family. i wish you all the best during this chapter in your lives.

Your note really hit close to home for me, you see, when I was 13 my older brother(15) suddenly passed away. It was a sad and scary time for me. I had never experienced a death of someone that i loved so much or was so close to. I acted out in all the bad ways. Trouble at school, drinking, smoking, and a bad attitide. I was sent to a school counsler, my church's pastor, and my confirmation teacher. I know that I felt angry and confused and lost. I was mad at god for taking my brother away. I was confused, I didn't know how to express my grief. None of my friends/peers had ever had a family member die. People set me up as an example, see G., her brother died, and she is handling it so well. I just wanted to scream "Stop looking at me." It was really hard to go back to school and have kids looking at me and wondering how I was doing. I felt like a bug under a glass. At church it was worse. i couldn't say that i was pissed off at god, folks only wanted to hear how god was helping me through this time. Was it alright to be angry, was I wrong for feeling this way? I felt that my feelings were wrong and just bottled them up. I didn't have anyone to show my how to grieve in a healthy way. My mom shut down and secluded herself, my dad buried himself in his work, my sisters were lost too and trying to handle it themselves, and my extended family thought it was best to give us space and mourn in their own way, distant from us.

I didn't start to heal until I was finally allowed to talk about my anger, that I was afraid that if god could take my brother, why wouldn't he take everyone and leave me all alone? Why did god do this to us? Didn't i love him enough to keep him here with us? I finally realized that it was fine to ask these questions. That god understood my anger. That I was still a child of god and he would still love me, even if I was angry.

It help when my family "circled the wagons" and we were able to come together again. It made me feel better to talk with people that were also suffering the loss. To laugh and cry, to celebrate in my brothers life.Sharing memories, both good and bad was very important. To know that my brother would never be forgotten. I had to learn that it was o.k. to laugh and live, it was o.k. to cry and be angry. I had to learn that my life would go on and that things would get back to a normal routine again. That the grieving would end and life would begin again.

It is hard to understand that this loss will never go away, the pain will lessen but it also never leaves. You learn to live with it. Like my brother, I am sure you mom would want you, your son and your extended family, to go on in your lives. To laugh, share and grow. To be the people I am sure she always hoped you would be.

While I am sure your pain is huge, it may be time to try and set that aside and "gather you own wagons" around you.Your family and church may be just what you all need to help your son express his anger and sense of loss. Talk to him, laugh with him, and most of all cry with him. Share your memories of your mom, let him know that she won't be forgotten Let him know that all of this is a good thing. Let him tell you of his fears and worries. Take him to a grief counsler or let him talk with a trusted adult. Show him through your own actions, it is how most children learn, by following the adult's lead.

All I can really tell you is that it takes time. It took me a while, but I finally came around. I still miss my brother everyday. The pain is less, but my memories are strong. i am no longer afraid to laugh and cry if i feel like it. And yes, I still have those days when i feel like screaming "WHY". I know that these are normal emotions and tomorrow can and will be a better day.

I am sorry about the length of my letter. I feel that i may have gone too far. It is just that your problem has hit close to home for me. I really hope that you and your son are able to get through this o.k. That you will heal and be happy again.

all the best,
peace and light,
G.