Dealing with Death - Marmaduke,AR

ive noticed my son when he is angry about things it is because he is dealing with things that is hard for him to deal with .I just try to give him someone to talk to i just listen to his problems and it seems to help him

My sons were 5 & 8 when their older brother (almost 21) died from brain cancer. He is the one who taught them how to swim and how to play so many different games. They lived in his room when he became bedridden. We talk about him. They tell me they think of him about every 5 minutes--I don't think they actually do all the time, but I let them express themselves. We laugh at the funny things he did or said. We cry together because we miss him. I remind them how he was full of life and would want them to live each day to its fullest. That is the best way to honor his life. It has been 5 years and we still have crying times, but I think they are moving on. They will always miss him, but he loved laughter--so we have to laugh for him. P.

Hi D. L,

First off, I am so very sorry for your family's loss. As you know it is hard for everyone. What I had to do when my grandfather passed away was let my son come to me when he was ready. I just told him that I would be here for him whenever he wanted to talk to me and that his great grandpa is in a better place. They were VERY close. All you can do is wait for him to talk to you.. He WILL do it when he is ready. Just give him more hugs than you normally do. Or you could always start telling him funny stories about his uncle. Get him to talk about your brother that way. I wish you and your family the best!
J.

hi D. and everyone,I totally understand your pain and the kid's, as I lost my baby brother just a little over a year ago. He asked me to move to Arkansas Feb of 2007 so i did, ,Got here Feb 3rd and the 6th he passed away. At age 41.I had a few family member's come to the service's , but there was a few that would'nt, saying they weren't as close to him as I am. I ANGERED BAD at that! And to this day hardly speak to them.I was left alone here with only a friend now that I hardly knew at all. An older man who I now call grandpa.I chose to stay here cause this is the home my baby brother picked out for me. I got to be with him by choice in his last day's and I know it was his choice as well , and he passed over happy.I just wish i had someone to compfort me at time's as I still have a lot of pain over this. My husband hold's me some but he's at odd's over this not knowing how to handle it either, as he lost his mom not to long ago. What I try to keep telling myself is that -(Shorty ) is still with me in spirit and heart.

This is a tough one but you can get through it. After loosing my parents and my husbands parents within a 10 year span (and other close friends), here is some of what I learned. Everyone's grief happens in different ways and it's o.k. (as long as it's within bounds). Embrace it, don't hold back the tears - that's part of the healing process. Don't be afraid to talk about your memories with your son. One of the most wonderful things you could do is make a picture album and let you and your son tell the stories as to why your brother was so special to you both. Many times this can be a healing process to you both. If you have a Creative Memories Consultant close to you they might be able to help you with some ideas on this album. There was an article in our June 2006 issue called "In Memory" that might give your some encouragement and ideas.

Healing takes time and let you son know that his uncle will always be special to him. You don't want the memory of this relationship to be gone.

Wish I could sit down with you and talk and help but I guess this is the next best things. B. P

My condolensces on your loss. My husband's mother passed away close to a year ago and she was my 5 year olds world. What we've done at our house is to buy a "special" candle and give it it's own place in the house and every evening or when the kids feel like talking to her or are thinking of her, we light the candle. From the start, I told them that she's in heaven, that we'll see her again, and right now she's playing on swingsets made of clouds. This way they can imagine her doing the same things they are during the day.

It's just going to take time, healing doesn't happen right away. We'll be praying for you.

A.

First off, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My 5 year old daughter just lost her great grandmother. They were best friends. She lived with us and they did EVERYTHING together. My daughter was by her side when she passed away. That was December 19th. I didn't think my child would ever get over the death of her best friend. Every day she would cry. Every song, movie, exc. would remind her of her grandmother. I was getting really worried. I called her dr. She suggested taking her to a psychologist. My husband just said to give her time, which I did. She is finally started to heal. Just like us grown ups, the little ones just need time and a lot of support to heal. She still has her moments but I just give her lots of love and she gets past it. Good luck with your little man.

D.

There is all kinds of things people can tell you. I lost my brother in Viet Nam and two months later my dad. Death is hard and it works different on everyone. I know my life felt like it had ended. I lost the two most important men in my life. I was 19 at the time. I am going to tell you time heals everything. It did with me, but it never went away. There is not a day goes by that I don't think of them. I go to there graves all the time and talk to them. Let him have his time. He needs it, but also give it up to God. Let him deal with it for you. All things through God are possible. You can't handle the problems and situations, you can try and fail. But God can handle them and he won't fail. Pray and ask for his guidances and let your son deal with this in his own way. You can't do it for him.

Help him to remember the good times with his uncle. Let him know it is alright to grieve. Help with memories and stories that you both can share. But like I said most of all give it up to God.

My heart and prayers go out to you.
G.

I lost my sister about 17 years ago. And although my children didn't really know her, I find the best way for children is talking to them about all the good times and memories they can have of that special person. My oldest son was only 3 months old when she died but he talked about her a lot when he found out about her. I put up pictures and different things so he can see what kind of person she was. I would take him to the cemetery and he would sit there and talk to her for an hour. It really seemed to him because he is a very emotional child. She was 22 when she passed away in an automobile accident. I miss her tremendously and my children could see that. It will take some time but keep reaching out to your children and things will get easier. Take care and my thoughts are with you. I am sorry for the empty hole in your family and what you are going through.

Dear D., My heart & prayers go out to you at the loss of your brother. I know this is a very difficult time for all of you and you are probably all processing your grief differently. One thing you could do when you see you son grieving is just sit & hold him for a while. At his age he is probably too young to tell you everything he is feeling. After you have sat with him for a little while, help him share some of his memories of his uncle with you. It will help you both to talk about your brother and remember the happy times. I don't know if at his age he understands what death is & what happened to his uncle. (When I lost my step-dad 6 mths. ago, I explained to my 6 yr old grandson that Grandpa had gone to be with Jesus & we talk about grandpa often, it seems to help). Since your son & brother were so close & did a lot together, you just want to make sure he doesn't feel abandoned by his uncle. May God bless you and comfort you. Sheilea T.

I don't know if you're religious, but if so, then reassure both of them that their uncle is in a really nice place where he is being taken good care of. (you can word it accordingly) Also, let them know that they will get to see him again someday. For your little boy, maybe you could get him involved in a big brother, or similar program, so he can still get the same kind of outings his uncle provided. Make sure he knows that it will in no way replace his uncles prescence in his life, but maybe it will help provide him an outlet.

D., my heart goes out to you. My kids where around your kids age when my nephew was killed in a car wreck. It took a lot of prayers and alot of talking about Mike to help them thru. I would set down with them and talk about Mike and talk about how much I missed him and talk about them being scared they would be hurt in a wreck. I think the key was to keep talking. They are now 24 & 21. I volunteer a Calm Waters, OKC, OK, it is a group for kids going thru loss from death or divorce. It really is such a great help in dealing with a loss they are able to talk about it with someone other than family who are hurting too and with kids their age. You might try to find a group near you. I have seen kids go from angry or shutoff to happy, open, loving, free kids like they should be. Their transformations are amazing. I will be praying for you and you kids.

Lots of love and time will heal, or dimiinish the pain for your son, and you. Myabe it will help if the two of you can talk about it. Children get afraid that everone in their life is temporary. If they can discuss it with you and your husband it may reassure him.

Death is so hard on kids, but in the same since kids bounce back so quickly. And on most occassions, they help us thru it more than we do them. What i would suggest is doing the same things with him that your brother did. That way it keeps the memories alive in him. And he will remember the things your brother did with him. The first couple of times it may seem its not doing him any good, but your son will appreciate it. And also I know hes only six, but your brother taught him alot of things going hunting and fishing. Have your son teach them to you. It will help his memory live on for your son not just you....God bless, D.

The best thing you can do is be there for him and be honest with him. You need to be open to talk with him about how he is feeling, share your feels with him. Did he get a chance to say his goodbys to his uncle. Did your bother have any kids your son can play with. Maybe it would help him to be able to share his sadness with other kids who are going thouth the same thing. Buut realy it seems like you are doing the best thing for him being there for him and letting him work his grief out.

Hello,

I am so sorry to read about your brother. I just wanted to let you know that I lost my best friend at age 6. He was hit by a driver on the highway and killed instantly. I think the best thing that helped me deal with his death was sharing my feelings with my Mom. She let me grieve as much as I needed but she was also there to comfort me when I needed it. I was also able to talk to my friend's father about my friend. So, what I am trying to say is the best thing that helped me was to share my feelings about my friend and just knowing I could talk about him whenever I wanted helped me. Maybe your husband can take your son hunting and express to him how he understands how much fun he and his uncle had and how he should carry on his traditions. Anyway, I hope this helps you and I will be praying for you and your family!

In Christ,
S. R.

We too just had a death in our family of my brother in law at age 28. My three children were so sad and I found that if I just let them deal with it in their own way it was better. I put pictures of their uncle in their room and explained to him that he is their guardian angel now. It is good for them to mourn for awhile and to get the emotions out instead of holding them in. I'm sorry for your loss and hope your kids do well with this.

Hi D..
First of all, let me say how sorry I am that your brother passed away. I know that you must be dealing with sorrow and pain yourself, let alone trying to comfort your son.
We have dealt with death in our family when my daughter of 7 months passed away. At the time I had one other daughter who was 3 years old. I know that she is younger than your son, but I wanted to encourage you that children are very accepting of death. It is clear that he is grieving, and that is a good thing. You need to let him grieve in the way that he wants to. If he asks questions of you about life after death, or technical questions about the death, then you need to have some answers ready for him. It is hard for me to know how a 6 year old will be, but with my daughter I would listen closely to her make-believe and often find her acting out things related to her sister's death (sometimes her characters would be trying to save a sibling, or sometimes she would actually pretend she died herslef.) The latter was the hardest for me to deal with, but I tried to realize that she was trying to make sense of this in her head. Sometimes I could quietly insert my comments into her play and lead to a deeper conversation about what she was feeling. I think that you probably have little to worry about unless you began to notice signs of depression in your son. I do believe that there are some support groups for children, though I haven't researched it well. There are also some books available, though I haven't found any I just love, but my daughter does seem to read them off and on. I hope that helps. My prayers are going to your family right now.

D., you might want to consider your son talking to a professional just once or twice to help him understand how to deal with this loss. We as adults sometimes need this help too, but with children its different. My daughter was very close to my mother, and when she passes away my daughter had a very hard time, and I thought with friends and family she would work these feelings out....she is 22 yrs old now, and still talks about the loss of her grandmother and is still dealing with the pain. We have both talked about if I would have taken her to speak with someone who is a professional, if that might have made a difference. God bless you and your family. BH

My heart goes out to you and to your son. What he's going through is perfecly normal - he's grieving for someone he loved and lost. As long as he's able to function otherwise, let him grieve until he's done. Don't put away pictures of your brother or change the subject when he comes up, as though he didn't exist.
It's okay to let your son cry for his uncle, and it's ok for him to see you cry for your brother. Let him know that you're available if he wants to talk, and don't be afraid to reminisce about the good times he had with his uncle. But also remember that males in general are not as verbal as females - guys don't talk it out the way women do. If you try to talk to him and he goes "into the cave" (my husband's term for withdrawing), don't take it personally.
If his grief gets to the point where it's affecting his ability to function otherwise, then I would seek counseling.

You might check with your community to see if you have a Big Brother/Big Sister program. It is a great mentor program, although he has both parents it could give him some outside person to look up to. Maybe it can fill some of the void in his life that your brother once filled. You can also see if there is other mentor programs or a trusted friend or church member.

Hi D. i have not has a bother that died all i can tell u is to pray and put God first every thing will work out for u and your kids.

Hi D.,
I just lost my brother this past august and yes it hurts like crazy...I feel as though your son is doing his greiving in his own way...When we lose a love one we just want to hibernate from the world and everyone in it..I'm sure your daughter misses her uncle as well..She could be suffering from her uncles loss and the illness...I wish you all the best...I hope they can find out your daughters anger...My heart goes out to all three of you....
God Bless
G.

There are excellent grief classes in some churches and community centers. Until someone dies, we don't pay much attention to them. After my Dad died in '06, my Mom went through an incredible program called Grief Recovery. You really have to do some homework to find a program if your town is small, but it will be worth it.

So sorry for your loss. It will take a couple of years before things seems right again. M

Death is never easy to deal with, ecspecially a sudden death. Fortunately I haven't dealt with a lot of death in my family. It's going to be so hard to help your son cope because you are still coping yourself. I think that if someone from your church or mabey a program like big brothers might be willing to do an activity with your son once in awhile. If it is someone not in the family he might focuse more on having fun, then feeling guilty about his uncle not being there. I pray everything will work out for you. God bless you and your family, I hope you have the support you need from friends and family. God bless ciao

Wow! I can't read this without crying. My brother passed away suddenly 6 years ago at the age of 28 (He would have been your brother's age). At the time, I had a 20 month old and was 20 weeks pregnant. Though my daughter was close to her uncle, I realize that she was much younger than your son. We still talk about him often and ask God to "bless our angels in heaven" in our prayers. Talk to your son often about your brother and let him know that it is normal to hurt and that you miss him, too. This is a good time to lean on your faith and teach him about your belifs concerning death. Let him know that it is okay to be sad and to talk about it. Always encourage him not to be embarrassed about his feelings and reactions to grief. When I would cry, I would tell my friends that they did NOT make me cry, they LET me cry. Also, be sure to include your daughter in all of this because she may hide her feelings thinking that someone else has the "right" to be more upset than she does. I'll pray for you and your family during this difficult time. The pain never goes away, but does get easier to deal with. Find the path that best fits you weather it is reading books (there are a lot of good ones out there), getting counseling, seeking counseling through your church, or letting friends rally around you. My friends were the best support for me personally.

My best advice is to try a website called GriefShare.org. It is a Christian-based grief share site and they have advice for dealing with children and grief (because a loved one has died) and also help for you. There is a way to search for a location near you and, if there is no group near you, they have a daily devotion/situation that really is helpful. The groups are open to Christians and non-Christians -- everyone who experiences death of a loved one suffers. As far as your son is concerned, keep it simple, be honest without going into great detail -- unless he asks the questions. Let him know you love him and that your brother loved him very, very much and he will always have that to remember. Let him talk about the good times he had with his Uncle and let him know that it is OK to be sad, but also let him know that he will feel better as time passes (hard for all of us to grasp). My prayers are with your family.

My mother-in-law passed away Oct. 2006. My girls were 6, 5, and 1. Of course, the youngest had no idea, but the other two were obviously devastated. We cried together for days and I think this helped them understand it is okay to be sad (seeing Mommy cry, too). Then they each drew Granny a picture and wrote a short note. We tied them to balloons and they sent them to Granny in Heaven. This really helped, thinking she was up there holding their pictures. Before she passed away, she had started making each of her grandaughters a jewelry box to leave them something of hers to remember her by. My sister-in-law finished them, put a piece of her jewelry in each one, and gave them to the girls at Christmas. They love having something of hers that they can hold. Maybe framing a photo of each of your children with their uncle and hanging in their room would help them remember their happy times together. Or giving them something of his, if possible. Anytime the girls start to miss their Granny, we look at photos, watch home videos, or play "Remember when..." Just let them know you're there to listen and maybe ask them if they know what would help them feel better.

D., july 16 06 i to lost my sister at the age of 34yr old.my daughter cristina was very close to my sister seeing how i was in and out of the first three years of her life she to was close. done all kinds of things together.(my daughter is a shoe nut thanks to my sister).she wasin asemi with her boy friend he fell to sleep he is no longer able to walk and my sister is no longer with us.we wereon our way to atlanta GA to be with her when the hospital called and said she didn't make it.i had to tell my then 7 yr old daughter that her best friend and aunt had gone .i held her while she cryed for 3 hours strat it hurt me so badly ihad to hold things in for so long tryed not to bring my sister up so it didn't hurt so bad.but i soon found out it was not helping.so what we do know is we talk about her we go to her grave we make bouguets of flowers and take to her grave.we started a scapp book of pictuers of them and one of just her.my daughter still misses her but she has a way of confort a peice of my sister with her i to had to find a wayof finding confort so i could help her.it was not helping when my kids seen me cry when she was brought upthat made their greif harder on them fear of hurting mom i had to show them it's ok.i had to help them. i hope it gets easyer to breathe for you and your family.hold him close in your heart never stop talking about your loved one that is when you truely lose them.love for them will never die. hold strong and don't forget to breathe throuh your greif.GOD WILL GIVE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY CONFORT.

You could suggest that your son make a small memory album for his uncle and place it at his gravesite or maybe a piece of artwork or something similar, or even that he make a memory album for himself. He could also start a journal where he writes to his uncle each day or colors a picture for him as therapy to help him cope and feel connected to his uncle. Or start a collection box of small things he finds each day that he would normally share with his uncle, like a pretty rock or picture from a magazine, etc. Maybe you could give him a special necklace or ring or something to carry in his pocket that belonged to his uncle, too. It might help, too, if he makes a special area, like a corner of his room or something where he could go for "alone time" when he needs to think about or "talk" to his uncle?

Hi D.. I know this is a very tough time for a child that age to lose someone so close. I lost my husband in May of 03'. At the time, we had a 5 year old son, a 2 & 1/2 year old daughter, and were pregnant with our 3rd. The kids practically worshiped him. Hunter, my oldest, went thru such a difficult time. Not only did he question "why us", "why now", "why my daddy"; he also questioned God.

There were days that he would cry or act out & we knew it was b/c he missed him so much & just didn't understand. We do not attend church faithfully, but we have God in our lives. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but the best thing for him was reminding him that our God created Heaven & that we will be with daddy again someday. We explained how beautiful the Bible says that Heaven is & that there is no sadness or bad there. That all of the hunting & fishing & fun things that we all did together here, he also gets to do there with his own grandparents again. The idea that daddy was not alone there & the knowledge that as long as we believe and keep a relationship with God, we WILL be with him again, really seemed to help.

My Hunter will be 10 years old next month, and he has recovered from this tragedy as well as I could ever expect. We still have bad days & sad days, but with time, they come less & less!

ALWAYS let him have an outlet, wether it be you, another family member, or just a family friend. Ask him from time to time how he is feeling about his uncle. Be sure that he knows that you are strong enough to hear his needs or concerns about this. And NEVER let him use it for an excuse for bad behavior, attitude, grades, etc.

Everyone goes thru tough times, but we ourselves make the decision to do right or wrong.

I hope this helps. My heart goes out to you. We will keep you & yours in our prayers.

S.

PS I read Christy I.'s response and even though I didn't cover all of that, we have been thru nearly everything she mentioned! I couldn't agree with her more.