My stepson's great grandmother on his mother's side is dying of cancer right now. I feel for the family but I'm not sure his mother is handling the situation correctly with our son. I feel she is using him more of a crutch to help her feel better since she is super close with her grandmother and isn't ready to let go of her. Currently my step son is in the care of his grandmother part time on the days we do not have him and his mother is working. Grandma is also taking care of great grandma who has stomach cancer. I spoke with my stepson's mother last night and she feels that he should be involved in taking care of his great grandmother and should be there as health declines. She also wants to take him to Texas for the funeral. Personally I feel he is too young to be part of this entire process. Yes, I think he should continue his relationship with great grandma but i'm not so sure he should be there when she gets very sick. I also think that the funeral is too much for him. He was very upset over his fish dying. Have you dealt with a death in your family and how have you handled it with young children?
This is still in the early stages because "mom" just told us about it. I believe she called me last night to try to get me on her side because my husband already told her that he doesn't agree with her. I also think she is really scared and doesn't know what is going to happen.
thank you for all the great insightful responses. You have helped me have a more positive outlook on the current situation. I think everything will turn out fine. I let his mother know that we are available to support her family through this difficult time. I also told her that i could watch him during the day if it became to stressful on grandma taking care of both or any of them just needed a break. I feel honored that she felt comfortable enough to reach our and discuss these issues with me. It is a tough situation and neither of us have had to deal with it before. It is great hearing from all of the moms who have been there. Thank you for sharing.
I went to my Grandfathers funeral when I was very young. I was fine. If close family member passes away I believe a child should be able to go to the funeral.
I have to say I disagree about absolutely not having the kids attending a funeral for a loved one. My father was a Funeral Director and I grew up in the Funeral Home with my family. When parents would ask my Dad if their children should come he always encouraged them too. It is a time for goodbyes but it is also a time for comfort and sharing. The children would not get that sense of closure if they are kept away from the wake, especially if everyone else is going. They will pick up on the fact that they are being left out of something and may feel as if they are being kept away because it is their fault or they are to blame. Remember kids imagination are powerful. Explain in detail to them what they will see. Tell them she is not sleeping, as others have said. Answer their questions honestly. Ask the Funeral Director if they can arrive 20 minutes before the wake officially starts so that they can say goodbye without everyone watching them to see how they are handling it. Did Grandma have a favorite flower or book or whatever that they could bring and "give" to her in the casket to bring on her journey? Let them put a picture of themselves in the casket so they are with her.
When my Dad passed away I was 3 months pregnant with my first child. I put a copy of the ultrasound in the casket. My nieces also put their pictures in. As an adult it made me feel good. It should for a child too.
Children this age will pick up on the vibes of people around them, so if everyone remains calm and reassuring your stepson will feel calm and reassured.
Personally, I think it is a wonderful life lesson that is being taught to that little boy. He is being taught that, no matter what-even if it is not fun for them, his family will be there to take care of him and love him. I have never understood the idea of not exposing children to death...death is one of the ONLY certainties in life. To me, a funeral is an opportunity for the living to say goodbye to the deceased, why would anyone want to take that away from someone else, no matter what their age?!? If we were talking about someone with whom the child had never had a 'real' relationship, I'd say that the funeral isn't the place for him, but he (presumably) KNOWS and LOVES this women. Of course this death will upset him...death upsets ALL of us, but it IS a part of life, whether we like it or not.
I also think it is good for kids to see how families support each other in times of sadness...my opinion is that the best way to teach our kids what we really want them to learn is by example, so I guess the question is: do you want him to learn that we abandon our loved ones when they are in need, or do you want him to learn that hardship brings families closer together?
There is a great children's book by Tomie Depaola called "Nana Upstairs and Nana downstairs". It would be good for all of you.
The other things is that "back in the day" families all lived together from birth to death. Kids were not afraid of death, they understood illness and they just saw this as part of life.. They saw compassion and the care the family gave the beloved family member.
Our daughter has had the honor of knowing almost every one of her great grandparents and has been witness while they declined, became ill and then died. It was just part of her life. They all stayed home as long as possible so as a family we were all very involved in the care of these great grands. She would go to the hospitals, the hospice and of course attended every funeral. She would be sad, but she knew that these great grands had been very much loved and beautifully cared for. In our family ALL family members attend funerals. They come from all over to gather and mourn, celebrate and support each other. Our daughter understands the circle of life.
Here is where I am concerned. The person caring for the ill person has a lot on their hands. Is caring for your stepson adding to their stress? Is he getting enough attention and stimulation while in their care? If he is plopped in front of a tv while the caregiver is taking care of an ill person, that is not fair to stepson. This is the part that may need to be adjusted. Maybe he could still go once or twice a week, but not much more.
I am sending you clarity.
I'll add my voice to others that suggested that your DSS needs to be involved. My children at 3&5 watched my step-dad decline rapidly from Alzheimers and they were in the room when he finally passed (unplanned, trust me). It gave me a chance to talk to me kids about disease, illness, death and other unpleasant topics. They felt good knowing they were involved. They were sad to lose Grandpa. They were never scared or freaked out.
My advice is to have you and your DH sit down with a hospice social worker and discuss your concerns with them. They are trained and deal with this every day. They can offer the best advice for your situation and give you resources to turn to.
i actually agree with you, that this is not something a four year old should know too much about. i would not take him to the funeral, or explain too much except "grandma is sick" and then, "grandma went to heaven", etc. the kicker is that you can't control what his mother tells him. you're going to have to work with what she tells him. don't negate her approach of course, but maybe just try to be really gentle with him about it. you never know, her explanations may satisfy him. but personally, at four, "grandma isn't going to be with us any more, she went to heaven." is about as "into" it as i would go.
Unfortunately, she is his mother...
Since Grandma is caring for him, it should be up to Grandma. I'd speak with her directly and tell her your concerns. I'd also tell the mother - again and again that you don't think this is best for the son...
I don't think young children need to see their elders get sick and die. Funerals are no place for young children - they don't understand the solemnity of the situation. They don't understand why people are sad. Young children want to run around - this is not the place.
YMMV
LBC
No 4 year old should be helping or even have to see someone who is very sick.
They should be playing and coloring and watching cartoons and enjoy being little. Not have grown up stress put on him that he will not even understand.
I can't believe the mother thinks this is ok.
Talk to her again about this and offer to watch him while this is going on.
He needs to relax and be a kid.
God bless.
Yikes, touchy situation. Every family has different ideas about dealing with death with young children around, so there's no one "right" answer. I'm wondering if your husband could talk with his ex about your concerns? (So the "mom vs. stepmom" stuff won't rise it's ugly head.) What does her mother think about it? What is your step-son saying?
I'm sure there are some great websites and/or books out there to help you think through the situation, and I'm sure the other moms will give you ideas.
Best of luck, and, blessings.
