Too Young for a Funeral?

I would say take them. It's better to take them to a funeral of someone that they are not close too instead of someone they do indeed love. I've been going ever since I was 3 and all of my family takes their children to them. They need to learn about it somehow. It will not damage them or make them have nightmares. It's all a part of life.

My mother died a year and a half ago when my daughter was only 2 years old. They had a very close relationship and my daughter knew her grandmother was not in good shape. Before she passed away, I removed my daughter from the situation.

I did not tell her she died, nor did I take her to the funeral. I simply allowed time to pass and spoke of her as if she was there. As time continued, I just knew when it was appropriate to say something. I simply told her that we couldn't see her bc she had gotten so old and that it was time for her to go to the angels. At first, she was horrified, but when I comforted her by saying that the angles are always with us we just cant see them, she felt OK again.

Since that time, she closes her eyes almost every day and "talks" to her grandmother.

Everyone has different religious beliefs, so I am not imposing mine on anyone, but this approach could be edited to any religious version.

It gives my daughter great comfort to feel that she can continue some connection with my Mother even though she is not with us in this world, and what ever the truth may be, this comfort has been a wonderful gift to my child and to me.

I know it is too late to respond to this but it helped me answer the very same question. I have 3 daughters ages 9, 3, and 5 months, and I was debating whether to take them to my Aunts funeral, who just passed away yesterday. I will be taking them and will try my best to answer any questions they may have. Good luck to you.
J.

If it were me, I would take my daughter who is turning 4 this month. Death is very difficult to explain to a child of this age, so I think being part of the grieving process is important for your daughter. Does your daughter "know" her great grandmother? Mine does, very well. And I wouldn't worry too much about her blurting things out - that's typical behavior for her age. Talk about expectations of her while you are there. Sit near an exit in case you need to make a quick get away or take a break. Maybe take a backpack of coloring and books so that while you are at the funeral she can be occupied. The idea of someone dying and never coming back and heaven and all of that is hard for children to grasp but I think if you take her and she is part of the closure she may better understand what is going on, and why you and your husband are sad, grieving, etc.

There are several great books about how to talk about death of loved ones (and even pets) with young children. You might try going to the library or a book store. One is by Maria Shriver about the death of her grandmother, Rose Kennedy. It's a great book!

When I was 6 my beloved grandfather died suddenly and unexpectedly. I didn't understand that when a person died they didn't come back; they were gone forever. For months after his death, when we went to visit my grandmother, I would look it cupboard, closets, bedrooms for him. Where did he go? It took me and my parents a while to get it through to me what was going on.

And lastly, when my great grandmother and great grandfather died we had many young children at both of their funerals. Some of them were better behaved than others, but the most important part was that they were part of what was going on. We were all relatively close to our great grandparents, and it would have been a shame not to have been able to say "good bye."

I don't think your daughter would be up for seeing an open casket though. Even I don't like those.

Good luck! And be strong, the Lord doesn't give you more than you can handle.

My name is Margie Duignan I lost my husband 20 months ago. T. was 36. We have two youg children 6 and 2, at the time. My children did attend their daddys funeral. I think it was good for them to say goodbye and they know a learn about life, death, and God. My daughter is now 8 and she is stronger then I ever thought a little girl could be and knows how valuable life is and at 8 she is very involved with helping others who have lost a parent. My husband was ill with cancer and every since he got sick I was determined to find a positive out of this horrible situation and continue to do so. I feel that my children are now learning to do this.
I wish you luck with your decision.

Margie Duignan

Having experienced a lot of death in my life, including both of my parents, I say it's best to include them in this. Death is a part of life, and we experience it at all stages of our lives. The earlier you learn that the grieving process is a normal and healthy part of life the better. At this age your daughter won't fully understand what's going on, but instinctually she will. My oldest daughter went through the illnesses, death, and funerals of both of her grandparents within 5 months of each other (at the age of 4). Her reaction to it all was really quite beautiful. It was sad for her, but she learned that it was ok to be sad, ok to miss her grandparents, even ok to be angry about it. I've never seen a person so at peace with the concept of death. She has a strong belief in heaven, and that her grandparents are always with her that she developed because nothing was kept from her. We're not church going people, nor did we push these concepts on her, these were things she learned on her own through the experience of loss.
My opinion is, don't take this learning opportunity from your child. Not all learning experiences are positive on the surface, but they are all important for making a well adjusted adult in the future.

Raised 5 children and another still at home. This came up many times, even with a 13 year old nephew when he died from an accident, then all the children went even the little ones. Sadness is a feeling it is real and part of growing up.Empathy is lacking so much in many of our youth of today. They are much smarter then we give them credit for. Many good books out there about this subject(age appropriate) trust in your open and honest feelings and share them with her.The young can comfort with their loving little hearts where no one else can.
Good Luck and God Bless,
E.

If she is close to her great grandmother, then take her. Just try and explain to her that she needs to be quiet and be prepared to take her out of the room if necessary. Or have another family member such as your mom or a close friend that could come and help out if she needs to be taken out of the service and you don't want to have to leave. We took my 2-year old to my mother-in-laws funeral. In general she did great. When she started to get restless I took her to the back of the church during the funeral service. My sister-in-law also took our niece to her grandfathers funeral when she was only about 3-years old too. It was very important for my niece to be there because she was very close to her grandpa. So, it's not wrong or bad to take her you just have to be prepared. You also need to be prepared to explain death to her (at her level). There are some really good books on the market that help to explain death even to a toddler.

H.,
I am sorry to hear that your husbands grandmother is dying.
I have a four and three year old boys. When my uncle passed away last year there were a lot of questions. As, Christians, it was a wonderful opportunity for us to talk with our boys about death and heaven. We did take the boys to the visitation so that they could experience the process, but we were able to leave after a few minutes and not make anyone sit through all of those many questions they had. They did very well and were able to simplyfy it in their own terms. They understand we go to heaven and live with Jesus forever. My uncle was a big fisherman, so everytime before it rains as the clouds roll in they say that is the bottom of his boat. That he is out with Jesus fishing before the storms roll in. It gives me peace of mind that they in their simple understanding are not afraid of death and dying.
Use your best judgement in taking your daughter. Be prepared to answer all the questions that will come up.
Good Luck,
J..

my son is 5 and has had two great aunts die this past year and we didn't take him to the funerals. i feel at this age and younger they don't understand the meaning of death. if your daughter is very close to the grandmother than i would say yes and if she isn't than i would say don't take her. me personally i will wait til my son can understand death alittle bit better than he does right now!!

Hi Olivia ~ It's so hard to be , "The perfect parent" or to try to make the right decisions for our children. Decisions that won't bite you in the --- later. I feel it is important to expose our children to real life matters in an appropriate manner at the appropriate age. Now, being that Nolan is only 5 months, I'm not sure it would make much of a difference for him to go or not to go. But, I believe that it is important for Olivia to get a chance to say "goodbye" to her great-grandmother. Maybe have a brief conversation with Olivia (w/out stirring it in any direction) and ask her if she would like to say goodbye to her great-grandmother at the funeral or in another way. Maybe draw a picture and throw it in the ocean or whatever she is comfortable with. Sounds like you do the best that you can for your children and that's what matters most. Take care! xoxoxo M.

My mother in law passed away this Dec. 13th. My husband wanted us all there without question. We have an 8 year old and two year old.
If you feel that she should not be there it is your choice. What got me is when someone told me that there should not be children at a funeral. The reason you go to a funeral is to celebrate somoeones life. How can anyone denny that to someone else?
I have seen children at several funerals. It really helped my 8 year old get some closure.
At around 3 they really don't have a concept of death.
My 2 year old was fine. I brought a stroller and she even fell asleep during the service. If I needed it at the church there was a quiet room.
Stick to your guns. If you feel its inappropiate then choose not to.

We are attending an aunt's funeral tomorrow and are choosing to leave our daughter (8 months tomorrow) with a friend during the funeral and burial. I will go get her for the "lunch" so family members can see her. She doesn't sit still so I don't want to be a distraction during the funeral although most people would understand.

If your daughter is very close to her great-grandmother, she may need to say good bye, but not attensd the entire funeral. If she kind of knows who this person is but she has not been a strong presence in your daughters life, I would say don't tke her to the funeral. Funerals can be so emotional for young kids because they see so many people crying and don't really understand.

H.,

When my mother passed away my twin boys were 3 and my daughter just over 1. We took them all to the funeral and allowed them to say their goodbyes. One of my 3 year olds had been grandmas little buddy and loved spending time with her. We explained why grandma did not move anymore and that we would see her again but it might be a long time. I am sure he did not really understand the depth of those issues but it seemed important for him to say goodbye. His brother and little sister seemed unaffected. I guess I would have to say it is all a part of life and while it is hard to deal with death we feel our children need to understand they are not invincible and that death is the next step and not to be afraid. If you are more concerned about her behavior being inappropriate I would say taking her would have to be an okay thing for the rest of the family. Sometimes seeing a just beginning life makes me remember it is okay to say goodbye to those at the end of their life at a funeral. It reminds me that it is all a part of bigger plan. I am sorry to hear of your pending loss and you will make the right decision for your family. Blessings to you and yours.

My daughter didn't attend her first funeral until she was 8 years old. Up until then, I personally felt she was too young. She went to her Great Grandma's funeral. She was old enough to handle it and remember it without being scared. She is also old enough to tell stories about spending time with her G-Gma and tells us how much she misses her every once in awhile. I'm glad we waited.

M. in Iowa

Get her a gold fish or other easy pet. If it doesn't make it, they don't last forever, bury it in a little box with a tiny ceremony. She can learn about the natural cycle of death and dying on a small scale before she sees it on a bigger scale. Best of luck.

Hi H., sorry to hear about your husbands grandmother, always a sad time. I like you agree with her being to young. The only thing is, how close is she to his grandmother? I was 6 when my grandfather died and I was very close to him, my parents didn't take me to the funeral and even at 6 I remember feeling like I didn't have closuer and still to this day I regruet not being able to go. But like I said I was very close to my grandfather, he lived down the street and I would go down there daily and help take care of him. But having a 3 year old, I understand why your not sure of wanting to take her.

I am a therapist and respectfully disagree with your decision not to take your children to the funeral. Children are naturally curious about death, as they are every topic. If we allow our children to say goodbye to loved ones, answer their questions honestly, and allow them to see how we pay our respects to our loved ones by getting together, viewing their body, reminiscing about them, and finally laying them to rest, the children will not fear death, but will begin to appreciate it as part of life, as natural, and not as something shrouded in mystery to be feared and not understood. I attended a seminar given by one of this countries leading grief therapists. He claims this question is the most often asked. His response is, "If the child is to young to walk, carry them to the funeral. If you don't have a child of your own, borrow one. Funerals should be a celebration of life and we should include everyone in the celebration."

Peace to the great grandmother's soul.
H.,
I agree with you that Olivia does not need to attend the funeral, I absolutely positive you are right.
One note, though,as she will know about her great grandmother's death, it is appropriate to talk to her about dying, if she will question and ask for such a conversation.
It is not helpful, if we speak tales to children about 'she went to sleep' kind of stories.
I do not know your cultural background, so it is hard to converse without knowing more than you shared, but I can tell you what I did:
I talked to mu sons about different cultures and religions, how death is seen through the different prisms by people of different backgrounds. I said, I do not know how thing actually are about death, but this is how some people see it, this is how others understand it, and after all it will be up to you (kid) to find out how you feel and think about it.
I always left all the doors open in their minds, not imposing a thing, be it about science, history, beliefs...
My only concern has always been for children to be compassionate, caring, loving, not harming anyone and not destroying anything.
This is a moment for a great discovery for your daughter, so stand beside her, and support her feelings and understanding,
and it is definitely better if not very many other people participate in this subtle moment for your daughter (like on the funeral).
Praying for you all,
M.

My daughter was about 1 1/2 when my grandmother died and we chose to not have her there. We live 2 states away, so I needed time to process everything and grieve without having to worry about my daughter. She & my husband stayed with his parents in the days leading up to the funeral and when they came to the funeral, my MIL kept my daughter in the nursery at church. She didn't understand why we were there and why mommy was crying, but it was nice to have her to hold after the funeral was done. I appreciated just having the time to grieve and remember my grandmother. At 3 1/2, I think they still won't fully understand what's going on and just a simple explanation of why great-grandma isn't there will be good enough for them. If it were my 4 year old, I'd tell her that she went home to be with Jesus and we'll get to see her again when we go home to be with Jesus.
Go with whatever decision you and your husband agree on.

My grandmother passed in September. I took my two year old daughter and it was a very good choice. She didn't understand what was going on, but she was a delight to all that attended. That help because people LOVE little children, especially ones that are related to the diceased! My grandmothers gene's are in my girls and everyone new that grandmother would have rather had a party than a funeral. Just a thought....

Hi H.,
I'm not sure if this is too late or not. I've gotten behind on my emails because I have just spent the last week hosting family and helping plan a funeral for my grandmother, whom we buried today. I would strongly suggest that you take your children to the funeral or to future ones if its too late now. I attended my first funeral when I was about 4 and I can remember asking alot of questions and not completely understanding why everyone was so sad but I did learn alot and I am very glad I went. Last summer 2 people I was related to passed away and I was urged by my mother to not attend and certainly don't bring the kids so I didn't and the rest of the family was very upset about that, they wanted to see the kids and said I had every right to pay my respects. Seeing young children at a funeral brings so much happiness and joy to those who are mourning, there is still so much life to be celebrated sorrow doesn't need to last forever. Today I took my children to my grandmother's funeral and I am very glad I did. Only my oldest was able to fully understand what was going on but my 2 middle ones did ask alot of questions and are now begining to understand the basic concepts of life and death and my youngest was the comic relief that everyone needed. I am very glad I took my children today and regret not doing so when I had the chances before. Your children are valid members of the family and should be included in the family activities and not excluded just because of their age or lack of understanding. Some of the most valuable lessons learned in life come at very young ages. Don't deprive your children of those lessons. Good luck.

C. C.

Yes, those ages are a bit young for a funeral esp if they were not close to the person who has died. Unfortunately, there is too much of a stigma on death in this society. Death is a natural part of life, a very sad part but still natural part. I am the mother of 4, all grown now but when my husbands father was terminally ill and dying, we took all our children to the hospital to see him the night before he died. He was still conscious and able to acknowledge them. They could see he was very sick. It helped them understand when he had died. Our youngest was 4 at the time and very close to her grandfather. After he died, she esp did very well with it. My mother in law was amazed how well she did. Kids do not have the hangups that we adults have. They just learn that from us as they grow up. It is hard, but we should be happy for the deceased as they have it better than us and are finding their rewards for the good they have done in their lives. By the way, I have been a Hospice nurse for 20+ years. Good luck with child rearing! I miss those days now!

I do not think a small child should go to a funeral its to confusing for them. I know that this is coming late but I have a 3 year old son. We just lost my aunt and mother-in-law within 6 months of each other. My son was very close to both of them. I explained to my son that they were sick and they were not going to get any better. One day Jesus would come and get them and we would not be able to see them any more. He asked if Jesus would make them feel better I replied yes. He ask every now and then if they are getting better with Jesus I say yes. He's happy for them and we have pictures of them with him and we still talk to him about how much they love him.

3 1/2 is young for a funeral. However, if it were me, I would take into consideration how much time she spent with this person. If she spent a lot and is not going to understand where this person went to, it's not fair to just say they went away or are asleep. That can cause fears in the child that if you go away or go to sleep that you won't come back. Children are very resilient and understand in their own way more than adults give them credit for. I would not take her if she hardly ever saw this person and won't miss her when she's gone. My sister explained it best to her very small son at his great grandma's funeral, that the the body is like a peanut shell and the soul is the peanut and God planted the peanut in heaven. I hope this helps.

I took my 4 and 5 year old (just turned those ages days before) to my grandmother funeral, and found it helped them understand exactly what happened to Grammie, why one day she was there and then she was gone, my grandmas death was VERY sudden, massive heart attack. And to this day at 16&15 they remember it but in a good way, they remember getting to hold her hand and kiss her cheek, they also rememeber getting to run around the podium while people where giving the ulogies(sp). It was very understood that my little ones would be coming, we went in before everyone so that any q's they might have could be answered openly and freely, and it was also clear that although I and everyone else were grieving I would not but a cap on my childrens actions, short of rudeness which isn't acceptable anyways. My first Q would be how close were they and would she miss her a whole lot if the answer is yes, then maybe you could find some middle ground.

I don't know either what happened to that. My father died just 2 weeks ago and my cousins daughter brought her daughter to the visitation she is 8 but I just didn't think it was the place for her. My grandchildren weren't there because my daughter didn't think it was good for them. I guess people just don't think it matters now days.

I hope your grandmother is doing okay.

D.

We buried two children in 2006. All my children attended the funerals. They have also been to their Great Grandmother's funeral a couple of years before that. I know one of my children was you daughter's age for each of the funerals. Three year olds are staight shooters. One of my daughters is five now and she tells people about her dead brother and sister and doesn't fluff it over at all. Death is part of life. My children aren't affraid of death because of it. We all get sad about not being able to feel our family member's presences with us, but we all understand that they aren't gone forever. You really need think about how your three year old will handle it. What ever you do just me honest and understand that they will call it like they see it. Mine says we put our babies in the ground and they are dead and we ask God to love them up for us. She then adds that she hopes the next baby we have doesn't get dead too. Then she skips off to play. I love the way she just puts it so simple and honest.

My son has been to about 6 services and he is 3 1/2 years old.

Our first service was my father's visitation when my son was 8 months old. I would only take my son to the wake services and not the funeral because he doesn't get it and wouldn't sit still in church. I needed time to grieve and didn't want to spend that hour of church keeping my son quiet. I also didn't want to distract others in their grieving process. But I knew that it was important for my son to be a part of the funeral in some way.

As a Christian, I find it important to teach my son about life, death, Heaven and God.

My thoughts are that usually kids fidget at church and it is more distracting than respectful.

But at a wake, people are moving around, talking and it's actually a welcoming sight to see young children there. The legacy continues. People die and children are born.

Take your daughter.

D.
milwaukee wi

She's family. Of course you take her. This is part of life and the family she's part. Small children blurt out sometimes. That's almost expected. Sometimes in situations like this children are like the sunrise. They bring smiles to peoples face even through the toughest of times. I feel that children should be exclude for 2 reason. One being if it were adults only, the other, if mom and dad are needing that time to emotionally heel and don't want the responsibility at that time. This is a good opportunity for you to explain what happens to us all to your daughter. I'm sure she is bright and will get something from this. Even if it's just how to be quiet.

Hello,
My son lost his dad last summer and he was about 3 1/2 too. I knew that he was too young to see his dad in that situation, but he went to the funeral and I just made sure to have people help with him and to bring him in after the casket was closed. I brought my son because if he does remember it someday I want him to remember he was there with his family. Of course it depends on how close your child is to this grandparent. In the end it is your decision.

My opinion is to leave her with a sitter. My son was only 18 months when my father died, and he attended like the funeral home visitation with me, but someone kept him for the rest of the services. I wanted him with me, but that was for my own sake. He has no idea what he was missing. my niece and nephew were 2 years older and don't remember the funeral of grampy or their mommy the next month either- So, guess what I am saying is- she will never remember that she wasn't there

I don't know the right answer but a 3 1/2 yr old may make it easier for you.
We lost our one of our sons right before their births and my daughter was 3 at the time. I worried so much about how to deal with it. She was the most rational little girl and kept me so grounded. I am not saying all 3 yr olds can handle it but ours did. We did not have a funeral but a memorial. She saw that we honor the life we had and reminds us daily she misses him. She also tells us she misses her grammy who died the just after she turned two. She went to that funeral but I am not sure she remembers it.
Not sure if I have helped or not
A.

I don;t beleive she is too young and often small children can have a comforting effect and offer a sometimes needed distraction.

Example. My 2 year old son attended my cousin's funeral last week. He behaved very well and near the end of the service the pastor spoke about my cousins love of the outdoors & fishing. My son then loadly piped in "I want to go fishing". The laughter he created was a welcome release for all those who heard.

H.,

My father in-law just past away on Christmas eve. We took all three of out children to his funeral. They are 2 1/2, 6 1/2 & 9 1/2 years old. My children did fine the 2 1/2 was to young and didn't even realize what was going on. He even went up to the casket when we went to say goodbye to his grandpa. I truthful think it is a personal matter and each family must make there own decision on the matter. I had a sister in-law that had a 2 1/2 & 5 1/2 year old and they decided not to take their kids to the funeral because it was an open casket.

My husband and I thought this was a time when family should be together and not apart. Plus we thought that he will proabaly not remember much of this day anyways. So I guess I would just follow your heart and make the decision that you think is best..

Hi H.,

In my opinion, it might be best to get a sitter for the ceremony if she has a hard time sitting still. If it was my daughter though I might bring her for any family get togethers. She may not completely understand, but she will also have a chance to be a blessing to those who are hurting. Children have a way of bringing "life" to the room. Also, life and death are a reality that she will have to understand someday. Now, your explanation may mean nothing but the memory may help her cope in the future.

God Bless and Take Care

Sorry to hear about your grandmother-in-law (or in-love, as i like to say.)

i have to agree with Diane.

i have a two and a half year old son who has attended four services. my father, his great grandfather and my aunt & uncle. they were all people who loved my son dearly & he adored them! i felt it important for my son to pay his respects and honor his loved ones.

all of our mourning family members were terrible pleased with my son's presence! children are such an important part of our lives, why leave them out on such a meaningful and sacred ceremony? they can add light and love to the ones who may be hurting. this is such an amazing gift children can offer. my son was himself. he smiled. he hugged. he inquired. he passed out a couple of flowers. it made people feel a little more at ease and i know our deceased loved ones were smiling with our toddler at each family service.

i think it's important for your daughter to spend as much time with her great grandmother as she can while she can. this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for them both to get ot know one another while the great grandmother is living-- ill or not.

i believe the more open and honest we are with our children, the stronger, happier and more independent individuals they will become...especially when they are asking the important questions. look online for age appropriate responses if you don't know what to tell your little girl.

most of all, do what feels right to you. if you're freaked out about it, she will be, too. if you're relaxed and respectful, she will be, too.

I don't believe your daughter is too young. Dying is part of living. When my grandaughter was 2 yrs old her grandfather died. We took her to the wake and as we left her daddy was holding her by the casket and Sandra said, "is he sleeping?"I think children will react to how their parents react. Hope this helps.

I would absolutely not take her. It will not enhance her life in any way; if anything it will be confusing. Yes, death is natural, but so are many things we don't need our children to be part of until they are older.

If Olivia will miss her g-g'ma, you can do a little ceremony or sing some songs at home. In my opinion, funerals and hospitals are no place for small children.

I took my daughter to the visitation of her great-grandma when she was 3. We talked to her about death (whatever your beliefs are) and let her see the body (if open casket) and explained everything to her. We encouraged her to say good-bye to grandma also. She seemed to understand everything and handled it all very well. Kids are much more resiliant than we seem to think. I think in some ways it helped other family members deal with it better. She said a couple things that we initially thought inappropriate, but were point-of-fact and just made others see that and like I said, I think helped them deal with the death even more. So, visitation may be a good thing to take her to. I would leave the funeral for just the grown ups and more seriousness. Let her stay with another family member or babysitter, so you and your husband can deal and be emotional alone together.

Hope this helps.

A.

Hello H.,

Sorry to hear about your husband's grandmother. I would take her to the visitations so that she can learn about death a little bit. But the actual funeral, I wouldn't take her. I would want to be able to work out my grief and not have to worry about what my daughter is doing, or trying to keep her under control. It would also be out of respect to the other family members and friends that would be attending the funeral. They should be allowed to grieve and not have to put up with kids running around all over the place. But thats just my opinion.

At this age, I don't think your daughter is really going to understand much of what death is all about, and why not wait to subject her to it until she can really take it all in and understand it?

My daughter was 3 when she went to her cousins funeral,she then went to her great grandma funeral 4 months later. She has a better understaning of death than her brother who has never been to one. Dying is a part of life that they will need to face, i found that exposing her to the funerals worked for us. This was never a tough decision for me, but it is for a lot of families. Good luck and sorry to hear things are not well.

Hi H., Kids ask the the most amazing questions. My grandfather passed away last summer and my daughter (4 years old at the time) still spontaneously tells me that she "feels like crying because great grandpa died." The acknowledgment of his death occurs at least twice a week. I GOOGLED "death and children" the night my grandfather passed and found the Hospice website to be incredibly helpful and supportive. Good luck. Remember to let your child grieve in the way THEY need to. It's very different from the way that we might think. http://www.hospicenet.org/html/talking.html

Sorry to hear that your husband's grandmother may be passing soon.

However, I think you've answered your own question. If you don't feel like she needs to or is ready to experience a funeral at this time, then it's probably best to have her skip it. When my husband's grandmother passed, I left our 2-year old with my mother and my sister-in-law brought her 3 kids (6 and under) and spent the entire service trying to get them to keep quiet and sit still. I was thankful that I didn't have to worry about that and I was able to pay my respects without the constant questions and figits of a child. You may consider taking her to the viewing so she can see that her great-grandmother one last time and say goodbye, especially if they spent any significant time together.

I think you made the right decision. When children are very young I think they are curious, which is ok, but not when it's disruptive to the service. It is nice to see children after the service, usually there is a get together afterwards to eat and reminisce (sp?). This is a more appropriate time to bring the kids. I have been to several funerals where the children were crying and fussing, not because of what was going on, but because they aren't interested in what is going on (not for the whole time, anyway) and so they were bored and had a hard time sitting, so they had to look for their own entertainment. Their behavior was distracting to the service because we could not hear what was being said.

Hi H.,

My grandmother died when my son was 18 mo. old. He did attend her funeral, but he was only 18 mo. old, i.e. he doesn't remember any of it. Personally, I think you should go with your gut. It sounds like you have pretty strong feelings about her not attending, and since she is too young to fully comprehend, nor will a funeral provide closure for her (as it does for adults), it seems like there is no benefit to her for attending. In fact, it may be better for all involved if you can leave her at home, so you can attend the funeral in peace. That being said, I do not feel that it is "inappropriate" to take her. This is a major family event, so if you want her there, she should be.

I just went through the same situation with my grandmother. My four year old and 4 month old went to the prayer service and funeral with us because we were away from home and didn't have the resources to get a sitter. Of course the baby didn't care and behaved great. The four year old had known my grandmother because of the several visits before her death. We stayed to the back of the chapel during the prayer service so that she did not see the casket. She asked where my grandmother was and I told her she had died and had gone to live with Jesus (we're Catholic). This satisfied her. On the day of the funeral we of course walked by the casket on the way into the church. The four year old saw her and pointed at her and I once again explained to her that grandma was gone. If I could have had it any other way, I wouldn't have taken my children. Unfortunately that couldn't be helped. The thing is, children need to be introduced to death. We've lost a dog and a cat in my four year old's short life and debated on how to deal with it. At this age, she seems to be quite satisfied with the answers we've given her and then moved on. Atleast I know that when she does get old enough to truly understand, it won't be totally foreign to her.

My opinion is that death is a natural part of life and they should not be left out of what is happening with the family. Of course, I approach it at a level that they can understand - and being very religious, I have answers to where Great-Grandma is going and that she will be happy there. I think you might want to talk to her before the event and answer questions so that the funeral is not interrupted by her questions. And at that time you can determine if you think she is fit to attend.

My grandmother died just before Christmas... my son who is almost 3 saw her on a regular basis. We did not take him to the funeral, but we did take him to a visitation at the funeral home. Before we went, I explained to him that we were going to see her and say good-bye. Before we went, he knew that she was sick, after he went, he saw her and got to say good-bye and knew that she was with the angels and that she was 'sleeping' and wasn't going to wake up. The funeral might be a bit much, she'll have a hard time sitting through it and understanding all of it, but I would definitely suggest taking her to part of a visitation/wake. They do understand so much more than we give them credit for. Even now, my son will mention that Great-grandma is with the angels now and isn't sick anymore. I'm so glad that we took him.