Granparents

I am having the same problem with my husbands mother. I confronted her about the problem and she denied it and then told me that I push her out of my childs life. I honestly don't know what to tell you. since I confronted her we do not speak anymore. If you find a solution please let me know.

I feel your pain. I have the exact same situation going on. I've fought it and fought it for years. I finally gave up a couple of years ago. I figure they are missing out on a couple of really great kids. I also came to the realization....do I really want my kids around people like that? Something to think about.

I grew up as NOT one of the "favored" grandkids. It hurts and all that. They even called me by my cousins name (her's is Casey) and it would drive me nuts. As I grew up, I just didn't want to be around them as much as I did my other grandparents. We got closer as I grew out of my teens (at least with my grandfather, my grandmother had early onset Alzheimer's at 65).

I know it's really, really hard. Yes, your kid's deserve the attention that the other kid's do. However, you just can force people to want to do things. I learned that the hard way. My youngest is 4 and he barely even knows that set of Grandparents. He doesn't like them, doesn't want to be around them and that set is finally figuring out they've been missing out.

I used to make ALL the effort to include everyone, both sets, in everything. Now I just make the invitation and when they don't show up, just rub in (via email to the whole family) what a great time was had by all.

Good luck.

I have the same problem with my mother. She spoils my niece and nephews rotten and barely takes notice of my daughter except to guilt trip about wanting to see her. Yet when she is with grandma grandma gives her no special treatment.
I really don't have much advice to give other than some comfort in that your not the only one going through this ordeal. My DH and I have discussed this several times and eventualy came to the conclusion to not be so needy of my mothers attentions. We politely continue to offer our companionship, and shrug off the many guilt trips she gives when we cannot attend her. We try very hard to shield our daughter from it by refusing to place her in a situation that could make it uncomfortable for her to be with my mother (sleepovers with more than one cousin at grandma's ect). I also explain to her that grandmother thinks her cousins may need the extra love for some reason or another. Do this in a kind way to empart empathy so she dosen't end up hating them. Perhaps the cousins don't do as well in school, don't have as many after school activities, are having social problems, not many friends, or are less financialy stable.... whatever hypothesis works without being dishonest. Or simply say grandma knows she is well loved so she tries to balance it out by giving extra to the cousins who may not have it as well.
Anyway, my relationship with my mother has become distant because of it. But I'm not so sure it is a bad thing. I discovered I had a needless dependance on her approval and have gotten over it by distanceing myself from her. It's better to be self sufficient and be able to reason and manage your emotions on your own.
LOL I sound like a shrink now!
I really hope this helps some.
RPocai

Boy do I know this my grandparents and great grandparents favor my brothers daughter over my kids. They are at Disney right now and did not take my daughter. It hurts and I cry about it. but oh well. I just make sure my kids know how loved they are and do things special for them. Thank goodness my parents live in Wylie with my niece and I am in Anna so my girls will not know everything that goes on.

I am very sorry to hear that. I was a child that grew up to realize how much my moms mom favored my cousins over me. Please just love your children. Teach them fun things about that grandmother, you may even talk to that grandmother, depending on her generation/age. My mom started to do that with my older nephews/neice, but I told her how much it hurt my feelings that her mom did that to me, it made quite a difference. Make it about the kids, try to create some common ground. For some reason she may not feel like they will like her or that she won't have anything to offer, sometimes Grandmas don't realize that hugs and kisses are really all they need for awhile, but after age 8 they need good ears and a huge heart, not flashy toys. I really hope this helps. If not, take them either to a retirement home, on a game day or to a church that has a lot of older people, you will find "fills-in" pretty quickly. I think it helps for young children to be around older people, it teaches them the value of relationships later on, at least I think it did for me. Have a good night!

Even though it may be hard, I still think the best thing to do is talk to her. Tell her the way it's perceived even if she doesn't realize she's doing it. If she's your mom, I'd talk to her and if it's your husband's mom, he needs to talk to her. If she has a problem with you or your hubby, she shouldn't be taking it out on the kids and I'd let her know that. I don't know if this helps much, but I'd just be honest and find out what the real problem is.
E.

Michelle,
I know exactly how you feel, my older son is not very closer w/his grandmother from his dad's side because of the same exact reason. All the other grandkids she takes over the weekends and goes over there house all the time. I think cause those are her favorite kids cause they are younger than my son's dad and because they are younger than my son.
She never calls and makes a point to spend time w/my son.
At the age that my son is now it doesn't bother him as much as it used and there is really nothing you can do exact maybe bring it up to her.

Good Luck!

Hi Michelle,

I am so sorry that this is going on. I have a similar problem as yours, but not as bad since my "Mema" lives in NY, but it is exasperating to contantly hear about "Tori" and what she is doing, and what they do together. It makes me so mad when she comes here to spend a week or 2 with us and all she talks about is Tori and is concerned about buying her things while she is here spending time with my son. This last time she was here, we went to the Children's Place and she stood in line with my son and bought tons of stuff for her (Tori) and did not buy 1 THING for Matthew. I just have to chalk it up to saying, well she is only here about twice a year, so I guess I can put up with it. She has told me she wants to bring "Tori" down with her and I emphatically told her, if Tori wants to come down, let her mother and father bring her!

I do know however of a very good friend of mine that has gone through the exact same thing as you are now and if fact they have moved away (grandparents & other brother/sis-in-law w/3 kids) (Athens, TX) to be together. She dealt with this same thing and they all finally after a couple of years of this, she finally sat down and spoke with both "grandparents" and told them how she felt about the situation. It improved somewhat, but she just decided, that if they wanted to spend time with her kids, then they would have to make the effort. She would not call them or ask them for any favors or plead with them to see her kids. She does allow them (her kids) to call them when they want, but if they aren't close, she feels that it is their (grandparents) fault. She is not going to push her kids off of anyone that doesn't want to spend time with them. Her parents were always around and loved both of her children very much. Family, you just cannot pick them, they just come with the territory.

Email me at ____@____.com if you want to chat some more about this.

Sorry so long.

G. B.

Hi, could you pass along any advice you get on this matter b/c I can already see that this is going to be an issue for my mother-in-law with her newest grandson - my 6 week old. This is b/c her other 4 grandkids live in DeSoto where she is and we are up here in North Dallas. My husband has always felt she's favored his brother anyway and it will be passed on to the grandkids too. Her and I get along really great, I think its a proximity/location problem more than anything - but she very rarely drives up here and when we go to her house the other kids are always there too. So please forward any good advice you get. Thanks!! Good luck!

I don't really have any advice here. We also experience this issue, our problem probably stemming from Gma raising all boys so our boy is nothing new to her. She dotes over her grandgirls, though, and, like the stories provided here, when he visits, the girls are there, too, getting most, if not all, of the attention.

All we can do is isolate the incidences where favoritism may occur. We no longer go there for holidays stating that we are creating our own family traditions at home. We want our son to wake up Christmas morning in his own bed with his own tree, etc. We don't leave him with the gparents where they will be also babysitting the other grandkids without first stating that "we know you are more familiar with the grandgirls but you must make a concious effort to treat the kids equal. My son's old enough to see when they are not being treated equally." I don't care who I offend, my kid's feelings take priority. If it continues, the visits stop.

This has actually helped the cousins' families visit US for a change! So, my son and his cousins still get time together without gparents- and gparents get time without the cousins around.

We also have had to make an extra effort to spend quality one-on-one time with our son when we are visiting family and to always make sure to avert the "unconcious" favoritism when it occurs.

Hi Michelle,
Just wanted to send some advice. I am on the other end of you situation. My parents really favor my kids over my sisters. I have have found out why. I make 110% effort to see them on a regular basis. I stop by and bring them coffee and donuts, I ask them to lunch, I ask them to dinner all the time and my sister doesn't so they don't have the same bond with her son that they do to my kids. This may be the case with your family vs. your siblings and it may not. But I just wanted to give my side and maybe that is what is going on there. Maybe they are just bonded to the other grandchildren becuase they see them more. :) Hope I helped a little?!?!
J.

I am not sure that there is a solution. Our family is the same way. I have 3 children and their grandmother refuses to pay attention to them when their cousin is around. Even when he is not there, she talks about him.
If you come up with a solution, please let me know. My 9 year old is heart-broken by his grandmother's behavior.