What Do You Do When Gradparents Blatently Play Favorites?

There is certainly no easy answer for this situation. If it was me, I would call them out on the behavior. First, they might not have a clue that they're even doing it (or that it's so obvious). If they choose to continue the behavior, ask that they no longer send/bring gifts unless every child is treated equally. Or even better, you could suggest that the money they are spending on individual gifts be put into family gifts that everyone can enjoy: zoo memberships, gift cards for dinner, movies, book stores, amusement parks, etc.
Good Luck!

you need to respectfully tell them that they need to love and show that they love all your kids the same. Tell them everyone notices how they play favorites, even your child, and you will not continue to subject your child to that kind of childish behavior. And if they act like they dont know what your talking about have examples ready for them because depending on how old they are. They might not really be doing it intentionally.

I would have a sit down conversatation face to face with your parents w/o your kids around and tslk about this! It needs to get fixed!!! My grandma played favorites. I was her favorite and as a little kid I liked it but when I got old enough to understand what she was doing I HATED it b/c I saw how my cousins felt and how my aunts and uncles felt. Nip that behavior in the bud as soon as you can; if you can!

Hi C.,
I pray that you will find a solution that will best serve your whole family. We had this issue w/ my MIL. My husband excused the behavior as "that is just the way she is". However, the children cried to me and I was so upset to have one child Showered with gifts, one child left out and the 2 youngest were to share a tiny toy. They are all her blood grandchildren, but the disparity was glaring. The child who was left out would cry and ask why grandma hated him, was he bad. Because it was his mother, hubby would say, she will reap what she sows. That is how it is in the real world. He was accustomed to her favortism in his family. Since she didnt like me either, I chose to keep quiet and follow my husbands lead. I was sick and angry about that for 20yrs. (Since I am replying now that makes 33yrs of being angry.)
Children interpret if they are good or bad by the way people treat them. There was no reason for my excluded children to think they were bad somehow.
Dont allow that for yourself or your children. If she misses out being a grandmother because she cannot be fair, then that is the responsibility she should bear.

This happened to me. It hurts the child. Please talk with your parents. While I think it is important to have one-on-one time with grandkids, when sending gifts each child should get the same number. As you know, kids count how many gifts they get from everyone! Good luck. Its not easy!!

It really doesn't matter at which age your parents like children. What matters is how they treat them. It is time for you and your husband to step in an say that all must be treated equally, that you will intercept and examine all gifts and if they don't meet with your approval they will be returned. Your parents can love one more than the others (but as a great-gramdmother I don't see how), but they should keep that private and not evident to the children. When the children grow up they will laugh that one was the favorite, but that's when they're grown up, not now in their formative years. This kind of action out of your parents will make the children, even the favored ones, resent them. But, this practice will not stop until you, yourself step in.

I have this same problem with my inlaws.. I have had my husband speak with them, but it makes no difference. Now that our daughter is older, she sees it and just accepts that they will never change.

You said the box arrived and you opened it in front of the kids? I would have said, "Ooo, these must be for Christmas, we will not open these till later." Then open it on your own and make adjustments... or decisions about how they will be dispersed. You are the parent, you control what happens in the house.

You could have called your mom and said something like, "The pair of pajamas for the middle child are too big, should I exchange them, or do you want to do that?"

"I did not see what was for the middle child. Was the video for that child?" "It seems you left stepdaughters gift out of the box, I will wait to give these gifts to the kids, till all of the gifts arrive."

They may never change, so you may need to decide, if you will fill in for the missing gifts, or maybe tell your parents, until they can be fair to all of the kids, you would prefer they give one Family gift.

Oh, have I been there! When my children were the same age as yours are now, my MIL would drop by to take only the oldest for ice cream, etc. Her point was that he wasn't getting the individual attention that he needed--ignoring the fact that she was leaving the middle child crying at the door! I had to make a rule that she take both or none (the baby was newborn at the time). Those years were very difficult. I am glad that we didn't try to cut-off the relationship back then, as they do each have a good relatioship with her now and she financially helps out each grandchild while in college. I think you did best to tell your daughter that the movie was for her, perhaps tell her that the pjs were meant for her too but grandma got sizes mixed up. The kids will pick up your attitude, so grin-and-bear-it for the sake of that special relationship children can have with their grandparents, but do talk with grandma. I'm glad I did.

I grew up dealing with something simular on one side of the family.
my grand parents had 8 children and deffinatly had favorites among them and then later amoung the grandchildren.
I was never one of these favorites.
my parents kept me oblivious most of the time to the extra attention my cousins recieved. thankfully. but i didn't miss everything, and as i got older my mother would slip and let her frustration be known and this, of cource i cought and made me feel very bad, even when what she was mentioning things that happened years ago.
SO be sure to not only continue to hide their favoritism, but also, even after they are older, watch your own reactions and rememberences to it.
because, sadly, even in my thirys, these wounds have not healed. nor have they among several other of my cousins who were also ignored.
The best i can say now, is that i just quit caring, so they don't hurt me anymore!

How awful some parents & grandparents are to their kids. I experienced the same thing as a child. My older sister was the favorite & both my parents & grandparents (as well as aunts, uncles, etc.) played favorites w/my older sister. Almost everytime we went to my g-parents, they always seemed to have some special gift for her. Never had anything for me. She was ALWAYS getting these BEAUTIFUL, frilly dresses or getting taken out to a kid's movie or to dinner. I never got any of that. When I would ask, "where's mine?" She or my parents would just look at me like I was a lunitic & reply "well YOUR're not getting anything, why would YOU get anything!". They'd actually say that. So cruel. I even got twigs in my stocking instead of goodies once Christmas & I had to tell everyone that came over what I had gotten. They just thought it was the funniest thing ever. My g-ma said I was too much trouble to take out to dinner, well, if I were treated better I wouldn't be 'so much trouble'. In your case, I really hope your middle daughter doesn't start resenting her g-parents as much as I did. I have no clue why parents or g-parents play faves w/one child over the other. What I would suggest is not saying "well when your older sister grows out of her clothes, you can have them" b/c that just says she's only good enough for hand-me-downs & kids want something of their own. What I would do instead is do something special w/her, just for her. If your parents are playing favorites & unfortunately, you're caught in the middle, I would first tell them how much it hurt your middle daughter & ask why would they do that. She's as much their grandchild as your other two children. If your older daughter asks why you did something special w/her younger sister, just explain that b/c the g-parents gave her more gifts then to even it out, she gets to do something extra too. I really hope this helps. I wish you the best of luck!!! I wouldn't just take it sitting down, I'd let your parents know how you feel about that & how it really hurt & disappoints your daughter to be so left out. Each child should be treated as equally as possible.

I think that you absolutely could have intercepted the packages, telling the children that you needed to do something with them first, and then taken them into your bedroom to go through them. This is a time when something like "No, we're gonna wait until after dinner" would have been most appropriate.

Next time the grands--or anybody else, for that matter--wants to say or do something in the presence of the children, address it right then, aloud, in front of everybody. It doesn't have to be drawn out. Example: When someone starts in with, "I know I'm not supposed to have favorites, but--", you should finish with "--Then don't. That's a special secret that grandparents should keep to themselves." Use a tone that you might use to teach your children. Just stop it wherever you see it, instead fo waiting to do it in private, like with children. They'll get the message to either cut it out or come around less often.

Also, This is not too early to start helping your children to understand that a gift for one does not automatically mean a gift for another or all. Especially as they get older and their personalities develop (also in cases where there's a bigger age difference), sometimes someone--anyone--will see something that reminds him/her of one and want to get it. Or one child expresses a specific desire. That should be okay.

Definately talk to your parents. Also, request that they send gift receipts along with the gifts, so that they can be exchanged if they are the wrong size. This way, you can more fairly redistribute the clothes, and the kids will be none the wiser.

Don't feel bad for standing up for your children, EVER! No matter who you need to stand up to! You need to show your children that wrong is wrong no matter what. By bushing off this behavior you are teaching your kids that this is OK.

So stand your ground and lay down the law to you mom! (And don't feel bad about it either.) Either everyone gets a gift or no one gets a gift. Obviously each child should be treated according to their own needs but it sounds like this situation is completely outside of that. (Example; if one is in sports and one isn't you don't give everyone a baseball bat etc.)

Have a talk with your mom and make things from your point of view clear! Hang in there I'm sure she will respect your view and work with you on this, after all she may not even realize she is doing it.

I agree with Sandy. Call them out on it. As mommy you are to protect your kids from anyones behavior that can be damaging such as this. Tell your parents that you love them and that you really want them to be a part of the kids lives but that thier behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Explain what they are doing and the effects it is having on your family then give them your expectations (eg all the kids will be treated the same and fairly, etc.) Hopefully at that time things will get better. Bringing up the idea of pooling the money together for a family gift or a gift for all the kids is a wonderful idea. goodluck!

I did not read your other responses, but I did read your update. And I think you are on the right track. I grew up in a situation similar to this, and I have never forgotten how it felt to be left out by grandparents while others were receiving money and gifts. I have forgiven them now that I'm an adult, but it's hard to forget. Stick to your guns, and don't let grandparents play favorites!

You have to be completely clear with them, that they are not to send any gifts unless it is divided equally between all three children. Also that they are not to use the terms "Favorite" when it comes to your children. Let them know how hurt your middle daughter was. Hopefully they just didn;t realize. blessings to your family!

You could always have a gift card on hand to give the child who was left out. Tell them grandma gave it to them. Take them to get something special. Have the child do a thank you note to grandma for that something special. Then you can follow up with grandma a tell her what you had to do to compensate because it breaks your heart and your child's heart to be left out. Request her to even the score in the future.

I don't like the manipulating aspect to my response. I do feel that being straightfoward is usually the best policy. That's a horrible position you and your children are in. Best wishes!

Sadly this happens quite often. My own mother in law is guilty of this but instead of having the problem with just my child, she prefers my daughter over her other grandchildren. Most of the family have noticed this problem and have tried to talk to her about it but she refuses to see what we mean. Sometimes the only thing u can do is send the things back with a note stating that is there is not equal amounts of thing to go around for ALL the kids then they dont need it. I've done a couple of times for us and its done some good. She then went and got something for the other kids so that it would be fair. I'm sorry this has happened to you. God bless

How AWEFULL! I say you cut your parents off for awhile, at least until they get the hint. What could bring on this strange behavior? This is so absurd and unheard of. I almost think you should try to look it up on some psychology website.
Their behavior could have grave impact on your middle daughters mental state, not feeling loved and rejected by people who she loves and are supposed to care about her.

I am so sorry they are acting this way,
Good luck and God bless