Grandparents and Sleep Overs

Flat out tell them. "I'm so glad you are ready to take him if I need you to, BUT He's still too young to have sleep overs."

I see that she wants a baby in the house again, but you need to remind her by telling her that YOU'RE THE MOM.

I wouldn't let my children go until they were much older (Unless I needed them to) My kids are 8 and 6. I only very recently became comfortable with them sleeping over, but I still can't be away too long.

Bless the woman but I completely understand where you are coming from. Perhaps, she would benefit by going to a grief support group....my own Mother went to one, when my Father passed away about 8 years ago. She STILL goes every so often, when she feels she needs to. I think it is healthy and I'm glad she takes this initiative. If you are really worried about your Mom's state of mind since her mother passed...then get her some help or have her get a check up.

That being said... if you are not comfortable having your baby in her care, in her house, in that environment... then there is nothing wrong with that. Just say, kindly, "no, perhaps when he is much older." Your Hubby would also need to "echo" this.

You don't have to "explain" yourself...you are now her "grown" up daughter. Your judgement and "gut instinct" is probably right on this. Mommy's have a good internal instinct about their own babies. Trust this. And besides, you don't seem to 100% trust your baby with her at this time. That is fine.

Co-sleeping is normal. My Mother & sister also think this is "weird" because we co-sleep from time to time ever since my first child was born, and now with my second child. It's irritating...but you have your own family now.

For me, in my case, my sister would ask if my daughter could sleep over etc. My girl is now 5 years old...and I still don't think I will oblige. I don't feel she understands my daughter well enough yet, as a person who has never taken care of a child for more than 2 hours. I just don't think there is any rush. And besides... there is no "rule" that we "have to" give our baby/child to a relative to sleep over just because they request it. If a parent is un-comfortable with something, about the very care of their child... I say believe in yourself enough to say "no"....but in a respectful way. It's okay. Really.

I have learned, that yes they may be family...but, that does not mean we have to give in to every wish or request that they make on our children. Yes, some Grandparents just are not safe, or careful in judgement or quick in reflexes in case of emergency. It's just reality. And, with that in mind, we have to think...do we really want our baby in that situation? Once, when my friend came home from work, she asked her mother where her boy was... her mother motioned "over there." BUT her boy was NOT there... they searched all over, and they finally found him OUTSIDE in the driveway! He apparently got out of the house from a side door. Good thing he hadn't run onto the road or worse.

Perhaps your Mom could take CPR and First Aide classes?

Well, talk with your Hubby too. See what he thinks. But go with your gut. Perhaps your Mom is not quite in the right mindset to keep tabs on a baby yet?

Good luck and take care,
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

Wow! This is a doozy! It's so strange to me that anyone would think that a nine-month-old would want to be ANYWHERE than with his own Mama at night! As a matter of fact, even when my sister or my friends are having second or subsequent babies, the big concern is "who will be spending the night at THEIR house watching the child in his OWN environment in order to make the transition into Big Brotherhood or Big Sisterhood easier"! And your child is still so tiny...not even OLD enough to be a big brother!

It sounds like you parent the way I do: close and warm. Why undermine those bonds of security that you've formed with your baby just to please a whim? Maybe say something like, "Mama, maybe you've forgotten how attached a mother and child can be but there is no way I could survive a night apart from my baby! We are a package. Can we BOTH spend the night with you?" Maybe if she witnessed the child's dependence upon you she'd finally "get it." (But even that doesn't seem likely, considering!)

My children are 12 and 10 years old. I let them sleep over alone when they were five and six (dictated by their maturity levels) and ONLY with super-reliable persons.

Best wishes!

M.

i'm not in much of a position to give advice on this one, as I am basically in the same position as you. my mom talks all the time about having my daughters stay with her for a week. my girls are 2 and 4 and have never slept away without me. my mom is in her early 70s, lives halfway across the country - is a VERY unsafe driver, and lacks judgment on basic safety issues (e.g. leaves sharp objects out where girls can get them - gives them unsafe things to play with, etc) sometimes I wonder how I made it to adulthood! lol. anyway - mom will tell my 4 yr old that she can come stay with her - which puts me in a terrible position! I know I will have to face this directly some day - i.e. tell mom I'm not comfortable having the girls stay with her without me there. But I don't know how to do this w/o totally destroying mom! let me know if you get any good advice on this one!

in the end - the most important thing is keeping our kids safe - even if it means doing a little damage to our parents' pride.

My husband and I co-sleep as well. My mother sees my daughter almost everyday, and although she loves and asks for nana, nighttime is w/ mama and dada (mostly mama) right now. My daughter is 16 months old and I don't anticipate her being ready for a sleep over for at least another year or two.

To address another issue, your mom is obviously missing her own mom. Her lala land ways are probably a result of her grief. Sometimes, when someone we love so much dies we become a little more "controling" (for lack of a better word) of other parts of our lives. We can't control death, so we try to control other aspects of life. If you are going a different way, raising your child differently (as you see fit) she may be thinking that you are somehow snubbing her.

I believe you need to be clear with her about what is comfortable for you regarding sleeping over, but I would give your mom a little break right now. Grandkids offer so much hope. Not that you or your child are responsible for that hope, but just be aware of her need for hope.

Gosh, I'm all over the place too: ) Hope you get the gist...

Jen

My family co-sleeps too. We thought we would go the 'traditional' way and had a crib and all, but it didn't work for us for even a little. There is a book, 'Good Nights' by jay gordon, md, which I recommend if you are co-sleeping. It encourages you to co-sleep, but it also tells you how to set up your bed for safe co-sleeping.
With your mom, I would tell her maybe later, with no commitment on time. You are under no obligation to leave your baby with anyone, though I would trust your husband if you can...=)
As too your mother I would try talking to her. Tell her that she seems to be attacking the way you are parenting, and that makes you not want to communicate with her. Do this while you are going for a walk or something... None confrontional.
good luck
R.

Our babies are 2 and 1 and have never slept over at grandparent's or anywhere for that matter. This takes time.

There as so many things to address on this question. While your mom has had children before looks like 2 from the e-mail, so she will know what you are going thru, on all aspects of parenting. She will understand a lot of things if you talk to her about it. Ask her "mom how did you deal with leaving me overnight for the first time" "how old was I" or if your brother was the first baby ask about him instead. It is never easy to leave your kids over night at any age, it does not get easier, ever...For the most part we moms just need to take a deep breathe and trust that this adorable little creature we have will be ok for 1 night with out us. No one will ever do as good of a job as you do being a mom, and no one will ever know our children as well as we do, that being said it would proubably mean the world to your mom to take him over night. Maybe what you can do is have a trial run a few weeks (or months before). GO to her house and spend the night with your son (I did this even though my mom only lived about 10 min. away at the time). Let your mom have full control while you guys are there. She can feed, change, bathe play etc. You are there to supervise, and just incase he needs a little momma love. Sit back as much as you can, as its very hard to try not to jump in. You might see that even though your mom is a bit nutty to you, she loves and adores your son enough that she only wants the best for him and would never let anything happen to him. I do let my kids go for sleep overs, and the first time I cried the entire night and was back by 6 am. I still cry when they go and my oldest is 10, then 3,2 and 7 mos. My tears now are quickly dried, because it gives my husband and I a chance to "catch up". We talk everyday and have a great relationship, but relationships change once you have kids and it is great to remember those days together. Enjoy the night without him because before you know it your little one will be getting married and having kids of his own and then its your turn to be the nutty mom!

oh poor thing i know how you feel! my mother in law is the same way and to top it off we live with them! (and they get mad because we dont let them take her camping for the weekend because i didnt like the way my 3mo (at the time) came back not being able to be put down for 5mins and came back eating every 3 hours instead of 4) now to me your son is a little old to be co sleeping (but i understand at 5am your tired) my little girl co slept for a few months and then when she was sick i let her. maybe try to tell them that once you wean your son from breast to cup then you may feel more comefortable letting him go for the night. the decision is fully up to you on when your son stays over at another house with out you. i let my daughter spend saturday night with my aunt because they like to take her to church and they dont get to see her all the time. just explain to her that your not ready to let him stay over night without you. dont let her put you down for your decsion thats your son not hers and it doesnt matter what worked for you as a baby. (my mother in law likes to tell me i neglect my baby because i dont ask for help and i let her play in her crib after a nap) well good luck and just be honest with her!

My baby doesn't sleep over anywhere , and he is almost one. I know how you feel . My mom would love for my son to sleep there but it is not going to happen , lol.

I put it off by saying he is "too needy at night" and we will see when he turns one. That way you have given yourself more of a window of time in which they won't be asking you for him to sleep over.

If you are confident that your child will be safe and loved, then let him spend the night with grandma. It doesn't have to be every weekend, but once in a while. Its good for a marriage and you to spend some time away from your kids. Mine frequently go with their grandparents for a day or two while hubby and I have a date night. The grandparents do things completely different from us, give in to their every desire, and basically spoil them rotten. I think its more important to develop a relationship with their grandparents than to worry that they are not going to do everything exactly like I do. Write down your routine, if they follow it Great!, if not, well, he'll get back on schedule in a day.

Go out and enjoy yourself and let grandma babysit!
N.

Hi J.,

Wow, I can completely relate to how your relationship with your mom has become strained. My mom went goofy when I had to have an emergency c-section with my first child. It seemed like the whole experience shook her, and since then she has become extremely worried over EVERYTHING. She also gives me lots of comments like, "Well, you never did that as a baby," and can't seem to find ways to help me raise MY kids. She just worries about whatever it is that they do that she hasn't seen before - to her, just because it's different then it must be bad or weird.

You're right to raise your son your way, not hers. After all, it's been decades since she raised an infant, I'm sure. Hopefully she will come around with time. At least that's what I'm hoping for with my mom. ;)

At 9 months old and breastfeeding, your baby CAN'T spend the night away from you yet! I don't understand why it seems like so many people (my in-laws included) think it's bad for a baby to be with his/her mother/parents. It seems the most natural thing to me. Just stick to your guns and assure your mother that he will go for sleep overs SOME DAY when he is bigger. Just keep repeating your answer (word-for-word is especially effective) or if they won't let it go, then drop the subject and move on to something else. Since they already have a room ready for him, maybe you can humor them by going over for a visit and letting him nap there.

Good luck!