Grandmothers

Well I run a daycare and I'm a grandmother. :) It's not normal in MY house.

I think it's pretty normal for people that have been out of the parenting game for a long time. Discipline is painful for both the child and the adult and it's a lot easier to just leave things when you are not the one having to deal with it. I think you will have to lay down the law with the grandmothers.

Its normal for some gramas,, Not for me. I have my grand daughter several times a week and I dont want her misbehaving or causing trouble with me possibly more than her M.. I dont have as much energy and stamina as I used to and dont need to fight with a 3 yr old and try to make her stay in time out and whatever. Shes really well behaved and listens and does whats asked. I usually have nothing to get on her about. I had to put her in time out only one time. M. on the other hand finds more reasons for discipline and I stay out of it. I dont say anything, and I let her handle it all. believe me, my daughter would jump down my throat if I interfered. I dont always think shes right about why shes upset with her daughter, but as long as shes not abusing her, or causing harm, I dont say anything. I dont always agree with what she is upset with and sometimes do wish she handle it differently, but I suppose I made mistakes raising my kids and now that Im older I know better. If my grand daughter does whatever, and M. is upset, and a time out happens, she will cry and look across the room at me and I get up and go in another room. When its over and done, I come out and I am usually the one she wants to hold her after M. does the hug, and I always hold her and tell her Im sorry she got in trouble but that she needs to listen to mommy and do what she says, and in general I go over what M. already told her. I dont want her thinking she can play one of us agaisnt the other. I have seen other grandparents try to get in the middle and play the good grama,, and it just causes trouble.

yes, I think its normal grandma "attitude" and I also think you MUST talk to both of them. Now is the time you need to get a grip on him or he will be running crazy doing whatever he wants. I would just start to say things when the grandmas do things you don't agree with. Just gently say "I need him to be in a time out without you saying anything to him...thanks". And if he's hitting your mom she says its ok, get up, walk over there, take your son by the hand and say, it is NOT ok, he can't hit you, he can't hit anyone. Just keep consistant. So really, not only are you now trying to train your son, you need to train both grandmas. Good luck!!!

You are right. It is undermining you. I don't care how much they "love" your child, if they are not allowing him to learn lessons at this formative time, they are harming him. A three-year needs clear-cut rules and structure. It is ok for a grandmother to hug a child when he is just coming out of time out, but not during. It is OK for a grandmother to not get upset or hurt feelings because the grandchild hits them in a playful manner, but if this behavior is thought to be acceptable, where will the grandmother be when you're dealing with another irate parent because your child was hitting???

As a mother, our words can not be just lip service. We have to set the boundaries in which our children will grow, develop and flourish. I would add a few phrases to my arsenal....

"Mom, please excuse us. My darling child is about to get scolded and I need his full attention so I can be sure he understands I'm serious."

"We don't allow hitting."

"We are trying to teach him that this is (or is not) acceptable behavior. Please help us."

Stuff like that.

I think you need to sit down with both of the grandmas and have a talk. Tell that while you know that they love their grandson to pieces, you need their help in his becoming a well behaved and kind child. So, you are asking for their help with discipline matters. For the one who says "It's okay to hit me," explain that, in fact, its not. That it's not okay to hit, and he thinks that if it's okay to hit her, it's okay to hit Momma, Daddy, Little Sister, other children he plays with. Tell her you understand that she may not want to discipline him for it, and that's okay. But if she can't implement XYZ appropriate disciplines for this scenario, she shouldn't say anything and should walk away from him, and let you or his dad discipline him. Tell her that by saying it's okay, it's really confusing and unfair to grandson, and that he needs to know certain actions are not okay.

For the other grandma, give the same talk, only talk about how comforting him when he gets negative consequences for his bad behavior means that he is confused by it and it also just prolongs the drama. Tell her that if it bothers her, to please leave the room, and not to say anything about the discipline afterward, except to reinforce it with a "Yes, it's not fun to be in timeout, but hitting/biting/throwing toys/whatever is not okay and that is why you were in timeout." That is a way to comfort him, by understanding his unhappiness, that does not undermine the discipline.

And ask both grandma's gently what they would do if their mother/MIL had tried to stop them from disciplining their children. Try to get them to put their feet in your shoes (they haven't done it for a long time, LOL. :)

It's totally normal, please don't make a big deal out of it, this is one of those battles you don't want to pick.
Contrary to what some (more controlling) mommies have to say, kids learn VERY early on that there are different rules in different situations and they adjust themselves accordingly. Think about all the places they go and all the different expectations involved. They learn what's expected of them at home, at school, in church, at the library, at grandma's , etc.
My kids had no soda and very little candy at home but the minute they got through grandma's front door it was straight to the soda and candy. Of course I cringed on the inside, but they live with me, not her, and why ruin a relationship over something so relatively minor?
I think that's why a lot of (not all) moms on this site have so many issues with their MILs, if it's not abusive or dangerous, I say just let it go!

I'm going through the same thing (and even posted a question about it a couple of days ago). Seems like most grandmothers truly do go soft.
I recommend talking to them both about it. There are some rules that can be more lax with grandparents (candy, bed time, etc.), but bad behavior - especially hitting - is not one of them. You may even want to let them know that they have actually encouraged his bad behavior, because every time they come over, he acts out. If you are comfortable with it, you can also tell them that they may express their displeasure with your disciplining methods directly to you when your children are not around, but they may not do it in front of the kids as it will undermine your authority with them. If that does not work, you may want to consider cutting back on time with the grandmothers until they agree to respect your rules, or until your son is older and in more control of his behavior.

If you decide you don't want to confront the Grandma's or feel like they wouldn't respect your feelings in the matter...calmly remove your son from eye/ear shot before you correct/discipline him. Go to a diff room, close the door, and take care of it all there.

To some degree, it is normal but you need to say something. Explain to both of them that you understand that they love their grandson very much but you need to at least honor your attempts at discipline whether or not they agree or want to "back you up". Tell them that your rule is "no hitting" period and that while he very well may be playing, it is not acceptable because it is against your rule because if he hits one person, he thinks it is ok to hit others. Explain that while in time-out, hugs have to wait until after the time-out to be productive. Then enforce these rules.

When my kids were at that age they would spend a night here and there with grandparents just to give me and my hubby time to be alone together. We LOVED being parents, but really enjoyed the time to be spouses every once in a while :)

We realized very early that the trade off would be a day or two of "readjusting" to living with the way we parented. My parents were the worst offenders! And it started the day after I delivered my oldest, we were emphatic about NO pacifiers, well, they were staying with us and my dad actually took a picture of my mom letting my infant take a paci!!

All in all it has worked out, my girls are now 16 and 12 and have outgrown their grandparents sleepovers, although every time my parents are around they let the girls drink too much soda and eat too many sweets...in the long run my girls realize that is okay for a visit but no way to live.

With hitting you may have to issue a warning to the gparents that visits will have to be limited if they won't help you control this behavior...believe me, grands can be "taught" how to behave, too!!

Good luck and enjoy this time, it goes by so fast!

Kids do need consistency, but here's something I've learned from watching kids very carefully during my 63 years: They need consistency from each person individually, not from all persons collectively. By the age of two, if not earlier, their little brains are busily cataloging all sorts of input, including the kind of behaviors/reactions they can expect from Mom and Dad, other family members young and old, and the family dog and cat.

Individuals who run hot and cold in unpredictable ways do baffle and create havoc for kids emotionally.

But they are very well equipped to sort the rest out. Little kids do NOT expect the same feedback from every other living thing, and from an early age, they do not expect the same feedback from all caregivers. While one consistent set of rules might take root a bit faster during the child's early training, it would also be misleading and probably detract from the child's flexibility and ability to adapt to different situations. Think how baffling it will be the first time a babysitter, a teacher, or even another set of parents at an overnight for a child who has no experience with different people behaving differently or holding different standards.

I read an intriguing book a few years ago, Island, by Aldous Huxley, in which an idyllic society had learned to raise children with great awareness to every child's emotional needs. Understanding that no one set of parents was going to be free of all flaws and mistakes, the whole society had adopted the understanding that other adults would be available (often by the child's choice) to provide a more whole and rounded experience. While I think the ideals in that story are a bit beyond reach for our times, the author still made a very compelling case for "it takes a village to raise a child," and is very much within my own life observations.

So, I hope you can relax a bit and let grandparents be who they most authentically are at this stage of their lives. Those connections can be wonderful and enriching for your child, even if they do things differently. Perhaps even BECAUSE they do things differently. Some will be more lenient, some will be stricter, but unless they are doing something that's truly negligent or abusive (in which case you'd be unlikely to leave your child alone with them), they are helping to round out your toddler's experience.

And that's a good thing, when all is said and done.

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I think it's normal grandma stuff. You're going to get a lot of responses saying "Oh no..you just lay down the law...your child....your rules....blah blah blah" I've found grandmas love grand kids to a depth unimagined by us mere mortal mothers. LOL Don't waste your breathe. You can certainly tell him "Don't hit Mimi" etc...

Here's a completely different perspective. I can definitely understand your frustration because one set of grandparents in our family has always refused to put our kids to bed at their bedtimes when they babysit which I find very irritating. However, as a general rule both of my kids' grandmas are more strict with our kids than me and my husband. Although we aren't lenient IMO (or at least I'm not, maybe my husband is) the grandparents have always hassled us about letting the kids get away with too much. My MIL used to insist upon disciplining our kids even when we were right there to deal with. I'm somewhat envious because I think the strict grandmas in our family have somewhat hampered their relationships with our kids. Our kids don't really think of them loving grandmas they look forward to spending a lot of time with although both sets of grandparents are very active in their lives. It can be hard to find the right balance between discipline and just being a grandma. My grandma used to kind of spoil me and I developed a very close relationship with her that exists to this day--she is 89. Good luck.

Others have pretty much said this already but I think it's worth repeating - spoiling in the area of treats, etc is one thing. Grandparents need to be able to do some things special/different than mom and dad, but discipline is not one of them. And I understand your desire to proceed cautiously. Standing my ground caused all kinds of problems with my mom when my oldest was 3 but ignoring the issue caused even more at home with my daughter later. I think handling it on a case by case basis like mentioned below is probably the best way to go about it. I'd say, just like with the kiddos, pick your battles. The hitting is worth the battle, interupting time out is probably worth the battle, but there are probably other things that would be best left alone. (just my humble opinion) Good luck, mama, I feel your pain!!

Cookies before dinner... ahh.. no problem. General "spoiling" and getting away with things they wouldn't at home... don't sweat it...

BUT you should stand your ground on the hitting, because it is not a behavior that is acceptable anywhere. If he is in time out and she goes to "comfort him"... kindly say, "please wait until he is done with time out". My MIL is a "cuddly" grandma, but even though it "breaks her heart" to see my daughter cry, she understands that she has to let us discipline our daughter...

If he is done with time out, have him say sorry to her and go fetch a "hug" or whatever... that way she still gets to be his grandma who spoils him to death, but your parenting isn't sabotaged either. If that hug leads to chocolate cake and icecream before dinner... take a deep breath... grandmas cant help it!

Unless you are all moving in together, just be happy that he'll probably "fall in line" as soon as you get home!

Good Luck!
-M.