Tips on Parenting a Step Child?

Please don't cut her off from her grandmother! That is the only parent she has known and the last thing she needs is to lose her entirely. I think her father and you should go to family counseling with her, and maybe ask the grandmothers to participate as well. All the adults who love this child should be working together to offer her some stability and consistency. It is OK to have somewhat different rules, just acknowledge them, "I know grandma lets you do this, but teachers get mad when you do this." Help her see the desirability of behaving well and listening to adults by asking her what she thinks, and acknowledging that different adults have different rules.

I'm a stepmom, and let me tell you as firmly as I can that HE has to do the parenting and disciplining. Period. She has to have ONE parent right now, and it's her dad. I know you love her and I know you want to help, but HE has to be the one in charge. At most, if he is not around, your line is, "Your dad's rule is _____ so that's what we're going to do. When he comes home, if you want to talk to him about it, you can."

I realize you don't want to cut off contact with the grandparents, but it's going to be a huge problem if they undermine the dad. Maybe there shouldn't be so many visits, just face time and letters and making pictures to mail to grandma 1 and 2.

Get into some family counseling and support programs during what must be a very difficult transition for this child, and get some recommended reading materials for people in your situation. Your husband has to determine his philosophy of parenting and discipline, the child needs to learn that the fastest way to fun is to do things in this new way. Make sure there are rewards for good behavior - board games and special family time, going to the beach, going out for an ice cream, and so on. She will learn, with your consistency, that fun times are within her control and grasp. Don't try to achieve everything overnight. And don't fight with her or show you are frustrated. The adults are in charge.

Defer to the dad. Let her biological father discipline her. And he needs to. He's the one that needs to make her listen.
You need to step out of the situation as you are the step parent...and it will eventually bite you in the butt.
You can say to her "you need to listen to your dad".
Tell your hubby part of him parenting her will help her in school, team sports, jobs in the future.
Tell her what the grandmother does is different than what you do at your house.

Your husband should be setting the rules, and parenting the child. I don't mean to be rude, but it's not on you.

Don't chastise the other grandmother for how she raised her to date. That's how she saw fit. I don't know what the circumstances were.

Just start fresh with new rules. Have hubby explain the rules (repeatedly if she's not getting it). You just back him up as he enforces the 'household' rules. If she misbehaves, dad handles it.

If it's too confusing for her to be seeing grandmas right now - take a break for now, unless he can be there too. There's nothing wrong with that. The more people who can support this child in times of transition, the better.

Just all be on the same page. If he can have a frank conversation with the grandmothers and ask for their support, that would be great. If they don't respect his boundaries (i.e. how he wants to parent this child), then limit contact.

My husband had to have a similar conversation with his own mother. Sometimes it is necessary.

Good luck :)

If her father - your husband - now has custody, then why is she seeing her grandparents?
Seems to me she should be on a grandparent break - 6 months to a year - possibly longer- so Hubby and you can establish your authority and rapport with the child.
If grandmother does not have custody, how can she have a say in anything?
Or does she have visitation?

You and Hubby need to be on the same parenting page and you need to be consistent.
Reward good behavior - show her that life can be good - and do your best to ignore bad behavior.
Starting at an early age - perks (tv, computer time, games, devices, etc) are constantly earned by good behavior, school work, chores, generally helpful, etc and if she doesn't earn any then she gets none.

If Hubby can not get the grandmother out of the picture at least for awhile it's going to be very difficult raising this child.

The best way to help her fit in with you is to follow the lead of her father and grandmother. Ask them how you can help. When you critisize the way her grandmothers have parented her, she's not likely to listen to you. She's been with her grandmothers for 6 years. If she needs to learn a different way it will take time to follow her Dads rules.

After reading your post about her being in her family's bar, it seems your boyfriend does not feel the way you feel. It is not your right to decide how he parents. As a stepmother, it's important to stay out of it. It's important for the stepdaughter and for your relationship with her father.

You do have the responsibility to have and enforce your boundaries. If you're upset with your life as a stepmother, it's your responsibility to change your expectations or to leave the relationship.

BTW the way one gets a child to change the way she reacts to adults is with love, time, patience and respect.

Sounds like you may need to limit contact with the grandmother for a time unit you can get behaviors under control, make it clear to grandma (this is your husbands job) that she must follow your rules or time will be cut because you need to get the child's behaviors under control.

ah, now the bar question has a little more info behind it.

first off, the problem isn't the child's. it's yours. she's been raised by her grandmothers, so why WOULD she see you as a parent?

you say her grandmothers never disciplined her. but she listens to them, so clearly they did.

you say they have a no discipline 'rule' and overstep you and your husband. how precisely does that happen if the child lives with you?

you and your husband need to go see a family counselor and get on the same page about putting together a family philosophy and how to parent this confused and upset little girl. she's going through a bewildering and scary upheaval. she needs support, and yes, clear and sensible boundaries. not disapproval and punishment.

just blaming her for not listening and complaining about her isn't helpful. she's not the problem.

you also have to take a deep breath and a big fat step back. being a stepmother means taking the back seat. the grandmothers have been raising her and DO have a say, and a huge emotional investment in her. you waltzing in now with criticisms and new rules is not going to fly well with anyone, first and foremost with your stepdaughter.

her father needs figure this out fast, and step firmly and lovingly and patiently into the primary parent role.

the grandmothers need to be kept in the loop.

you are support staff. it may rankle, but if you're smart you'll quit trying to run the show.

and if you're REALLY smart you'll go to the grandmothers and ask for their help and advice.
khairete
S.

Did ya'll have any type of transition plan to ease her into your household? If not, her whole world has been demolished. She doesn't have a clue and she is scared and pissed.

Her father needs to be the one to work with her on her behavior, not you. You can't help her acknowledge that your her parents because she doesn't know you as that. I'm not sure she knows you at all. What was Dad's role in her life prior to his custody?

I personally think you, dad and kiddo need to work with a family therapist to help ease her into the household. Come up with reasonable expectations and work in getting her trust and cooperation. Again, Dad needs to take the lead and you as supporting.