Hello ladies,
My niece will be turning 15, and my nephew will be turning 10 in a few days. In the past, my husband and I have always been very generous with their birthday and Christmas presents. For the past few years, we haven't seen them for their birthdays, but we've always mailed a card and gift or a giftcard. The problem is that we NEVER receive a thank you from either of them, or from my husband's brother or sister-in-law. I've even called to make sure they received it, because weeks went by without any word at all. Even when we've seen them in person later on, they don't thank us.
I guess I was just raised differently, and feel that a "thank you", whether it be written, a phone call, an email, or even a text message, is an important thing to do after receiving a gift. I'm tempted to only send them cards this year. What do you think? Is this too harsh? I feel that both of them are old enough at this point to communicate a thank you. I would love to hear what you gals think about this one.
Thank you!
Thank you so much for all of your thoughtful responses! I really went back and forth on this one before coming to a solution that I felt I could live with without guilt. So, I went to Barnes and Noble and bought each of them a copy of "The Thank You Book for Kids: Hundreds of Creative, Cool, and Clever Ways to Say Thank You!" As suggested by one smart mama, I also picked up a pack of nice thank you notes, appropriate for each of them, and a cool pen. I'm going to enclose a note about the value of giving thanks and how it really makes not only the gift giver feel good to get a thank you, but the recipient of the gift feels good writing one. I really do think it's a life skill, not just when it comes to gifts, but even when they're interviewing for jobs. Now, I know they're only 10 and 15, but since I've never once received a thank you from either of them, I figured I should start now. If they don't get the idea this time, then it's just a card from here on out. I'll try to keep you posted on how it goes over. Thanks again for all of your thoughtful suggestions.
My Grandmother had a rule . . . if you don't say thank you, you will never get a gift again! I always said thank you, and my Grandma kept slipping me $20's when no one was looking!
yes. sending just a birthday card with no gift, gift card or money is fine.
Tough one. Chances are good that the parents never taught the kids to send a thank you card, and kids are naturally self-centered (I sure was!), and it probably never even occurs to them that a "thank you" is appropriate.
What about buying them a "thank you kit" for their birthdays? A couple boxes of nice all-purpose cards (places like Ross and Marshalls usually have nice ones for huge discounts), a nice pen, and a pack of Forever Stamps, along with instructions on how to write a good thank you note.
Let them know that this gift is also a life lesson. A handwritten "thank you" goes far in this world. I once lost a job I really wanted because I neglected to send the hiring manager a card after my interview. Lesson learned.
ettiquite states it is not expected that you would continue to gift ppl who continue to show you they don't appreciate it enough to say thank you.
clearly these children werent taught this tho, and it might be nice to expain to them nicely that people are supposed to thank people when they receive a gift and that you work very hard to pick out things that they like each year. Since you havent heard that they like or appreciate what you send, you thought you would stop sending things that they wont want.
at their ages they are old enough to say thank you for themselves. (provided they know it is expected) if you have time to open and and use a gift or cash a check, you have time to tell the giver thank you in some way. while obviously an actual thank you note is the appropriate way to thank someone, it takes about 30 seconds to send a text or mention it next time you talk to that person.
Oh, this one is a toughie and really struck a chord with me. Years ago, when I was just starting out and single, my mother gave me the sad sob stories about my two cousins going through rough times and trying to raise young families. I spent a boatload of money and time and shipped off entire wardrobes (more than I ever spent on myself!) over the years so the kids could get off on the right feet at the start of the school year. I heard absolutely nothing. Not once. Ugh. My mother made tons of excuses and said they didn't have money for postage, etc. So... I enclosed self-addressed stamped post cards with a check off lists saying things like: package received, clothes fit/don't fit, etc. Still I heard nothing. I saw one cousin at a wedding and she said she thought I was funny with the postcard. (Really? Then why didn't you acknowledge the packages?) The other cousin never did acknowledge anything. I remembered every single major event for these cousins with weddings, new home purchase, babies, etc. I realized soon enough that the relationship was a one-way street and I didn't let it sway me from being a giving person, but it did sway the direction of my giving. When I eventually got married and had a child, was hospitalized, then later left the abusive marriage, I never once heard from these cousins. Not once except one of the children did ask where the presents from me were one Christmas morning. Ugh again. I quit sending stuff because I didn't have the money and I had become resentful. As for my own siblings, they often slip into the same pattern, but I adore them and call them and have a strong enough relationship that I look the other way. We talk and they will often tell me about the gifts I have sent. I think that, if you have a good relationship with the parents or your niece and nephew, you may want to just send them cards going forward ---or tell them straight out that you love them and found yourself hurt for their lack of gift acknowledgement. In any case, you are in good company! Best of luck and please let us know what happens.
That age is so tough to buy for! I started doing cards with $2 bills. Like 5 of them for a 10 year old. Its something unique, but they can still buy something they want. As for the thank-you, yes, they should know better, but that age is a hit and miss with manners. Call them, or have the parents have them call, "to make sure they got the card ok". Then, the odds of them thanking you are higher, since that is the point of the conversation. Good luck!!
I think it would be better to take it up with the mom than to punish the kids. They have clearly never been taught to say thank you. I would use this as the teaching year. Send what you normally would send. Wait one week, then call the mom. Tell her that your feelings are hurt because you hadn't heard a word of thanks, and are feeling unnapreciated. She should put those kids on the phone AND have them send a thank you. If not, I would ask to speak to the kids and explain to them that they are hurting your feelings by not saying thank you. If they don't get the picture, than I would be done giving gifts all together. They would start getting Happy Bday text messages. But don't punish the kids for moms lack of manners or punish them before they've been given a chance to reform.
Definitely would just send the card.
If these kids can't be thankful for what you have sent in the past, no thank you - well maybe now when they get JUST a card, maybe just maybe it will dawn on them why that is the case.
If not, just keep sending the cards - it will save you $ and maybe teach them a lesson.
I can see both sides of the issue. However, if I was in this situation, I would just send a card.
We always did a card and gift or money until the kids were 18 and then we were done.
Shame on the parents for not making the child acknowledge the gift or send a thank you, but that is not the kid's issue. They just haven't been taught properly. But kids really don't know unless they are taught, so don't punish the kids.
I'd still send a gift. I sort of feel like it should have been addresses a long time ago and even though they're old enough I'm sure they still appreciate it. I don't always have time to make thank you's for my kid's gifts either.
I'd still send something small. A gift card maybe for target. After all did you get them the gifts for the thank you or because they were family. But I'd send it then check back with the parents on email or facebook. The 15 year old probably has his own facebook. Just a quick note. Wanted to make sure you got the card and gift card I sent you. I had not heard back. Maybe it will remind them. You never know they could be so crazy in their own life and own issue they just do not have the time. Life can get crazy.
Yep. Right there with you. For YEARS, we sent gifts to my niece (on husband's side) and we never ONCE got a thank you. Not a note, not a phone call, NOTHING. It drove me nuts. Particularly b/c there was a lot of talk in the family about how the girls' mother (she was divorced from my brother-in-law) would supposedly intercept things. I wanted to know that she got them. After it became known to me that she WAS getting them, but just didn't acknowledge it (she went to live with her Dad and we KNEW she received the gifts) then I was SO over it. My husband didn't seem to think it was a big deal.. but it GRATED on me. I was NOT raised that way. His thought was that she wasn't raised well enough to know better, so we shouldn't "punish" her b/c of her parents failure to teach her decent manners. I sort of felt like it might have taught her something that would be good to know.
I would have stopped the 2nd time it happened with no acknowledgement. But hubby insisted...
If your relationship with the parents of this niece & nephew is such that you can mention this to them, then do. If not, then just stop. A card is perfectly fine. Today is so different than we I was growing up. Aunts and uncles in our family (both sides) didn't send birthday and Christmas gifts. It just didn't happen. And it wasn't expected by us kids either. Had it been expected, we certainly would never have dared SAY so, either. Today's generation of kids is being brought up to expect an awful lot from every direction, in my opinion. The world doesn't owe them anything, and neither does their Aunt/Uncle/Grandma. Anything they receive, should be received graciously and gratefully... but rarely is that the case anymore.
While I completely agree that a Thank You would be nice, I still send my nephews and niece's cards and a little bit of money. I do it for ME. I love them and are happy to have them as part of my family and I recognize that with remembering their birthdays.
Even my nephews who are 23 get a card and $5. I told them that they may think I'm the crazy aunt, but they'll always know I love them and was thinking of them.
