Looking for Advice on Boundaries with Birth Mom

I can't tell you what you should do, but I can say that I'm adopted. I'm grown and looking back I realize how important it was that my real mom (not birth mom) establish that I was her child. I needed to attach to her. She did a very good job with this. However, it was a closed adoption. I have no experience with open adoptions, but if I were you I'd reinforce to your son that YOU are his mommy.

Sorry I don't have any more specific advice...

Hi M., I don't have quite the same perspective as some of the other mom's who have posted, but thought that I'd throw in my 2 cents. First off, I am not adopted and I've never adopted a child (though I've thought about it and trying to get my husband to think about doing it) - anyway - I was raised by my Grandparents because my mother was so young when she had me and just really didn't want to be a full time mom. My Grandparents were wonderful and that is who is Mom and Dad in my eyes (I do have a good relationship with my dad) - but my mom would come and vist and want to suddenly be "Mom" and would try to tell me what to do, to disipline me or want the same affection that I gave my grandmother (Mom is still trying for that). As a young child that was hard on me because for the most part is was Grandma and Grandpa who told me what to do and who disiplined me and then this woman wants to come in and do it. It was very confusing. So I do think that you need to set the birthmom down and have some very clear boundries for the sake of the child. Yes this woman is special, she gave you a wonderful gift. But you are Mom. If you are not comfortable with her calling herself Mommy, then pick another name. I like the idea of her being Aunt So-and-so. But you don't want it to be like the child has 2 moms, or for there to be a compatition between the 2. I never felt that my Grandma was competing, but I always felt and still feel that my mother does. She thinks because she gave birth to me that it's just automatic that I feel the same for her that I do Grandma and I don't. Grandma raised me, Grandma read to me, took me shopping, giggled with me about boys all the stuff that Mom's do. And you will always be mom and if she does not have clear boundries he may resent her someday. I do my mom. So let her know that you want him to have a realationship and you want it to be a good one for all his life. Good luck and God Bless.

What does he call you now??? I adopted my grandson a couple of years ago and his mom is on the scene - she is mommie, I am grandma. He understands that his home is with grandma and papa & I am the one he hugs every morning - he knows the difference at 3 yrs old. He also knows that he sees mommie and plays with her but it isn't the same as home. Contrary to what the other moms said I think that if you encouraged the birth mom during the foster time and he called her mommie then - you will confuse him and hurt her.

I also checked with my nephew who was raised by my mom to see what an older kid thought (he's 19). He said that there was no confusion about who was in charge - and it was not mom, it was his grandma. But he still called his mom mom.

As far as different boundries - my boy sees his mom once a week for about an hour and on special occasions like Thanksgiving or birthdays. That is enough for me and for him - he asks about her sometimes during the week but he asks about all kinds of people. As time has gone on she is more involved with her life and is less concerned about him - I am sure it will be that way with your boy's birth mom too. Congratulation on making it through the foster care system... and on the adoption.

Also - both my husband and I had 2 year old girls when we married and my step daughter call both her biological mom and me "mom" but I am her "real" mom as she says because I did the tough stuff. My daughter call my husband "daddy" and her other dad she calls "the biological one" (not to his face of course - she calls him dad).

Hello! I commend you and your family for choosing adoption! I feel that the birth mother has no right to call herself "mommie" to your adopted son- as she gave him up to you! You need to sit down with her and who-ever over saw the adoption and discuss your rights as the parents of this boy. I'm sure there is a very uncomfortable situation going on here that needs a mediator who isn't involved on a personal level! She needs to realize that you are his "mommie" not her, as hard as that may sound! It was her decision. I hope this helps<3

I appreciate Jessica B.'s insight about how the adoptive mom had to establish the relationship. YOU are his Mommy now, and he needs to know this without question.

I don't have experience with open adoptions, but my gut is saying that you should stop referring to the first mom as "Mommie." You can use language like, "Jane was your Mommie for a long time, and she decided that I am going to be your Forever Mommy." I have a 3 year old who was adopted, and he responds well to very basic, objective explanations about his history.

If "Jane" knows that your family will always respect her place in your son's life, do you think that asking her not to refer to herself as "Mommie" will be a difficult conversation? There's a chapter in Real Parents, Real Children that discusses the relationships with birth families, but I don't know where it is. I loaned my book! Errr! Anyway, I'm sure that the standard adoption books would address some tips for setting boundaries while maintaining a good relationship. Real Parents, Real Children happens to be my favorite, but Parenting the Adopted Child was another that I remember getting a lot out of it. You've been through this before, I'm sure that your gut will lead you!

Congratulations, too, on your newest (official) addition!

It would be very hard to explain but it must be done. I would write some things down since when a person gets stressed they tend to forget all they wanted to say.

First, I would not have the child call her "Mommy", unless he's been calling her this and they have a well established relationship, which does not sound like it. You are the mother now and he needs to know that you are just that. He will grow up knowing this girl is his birth mother, but you are his adopted mother, the one who chose him and are raising him.

Next, you and your husband need to decide what you are comfortable with. Are you comfortable with her taking him out of the house at all, for ice cream for an hour? Are you comfortable with her taking him over night? Are you comfortable with her coming over for holiday dinners? How involved do you want her involved with holidays? Are gifts appropriate? Do you want her to be part of the family where she comes over for Christmas? How will your other children handle this relationship in the home? How much do you want her to be involved with birthdays? Do you want a close enough relationship to have her come to school meetings? Would you want her put on emergency lists for contact? Will she be able to come to pick him up from school without your knowledge? Basically, do you want a type of shared parenting, or do you want to be the full mother and she is a friend of the family?

You'll need figure out what kind of contact to start with. I think there needs to be distance for at least 6 months so the bond can really be set and you can talk to the boy to help him transition and understand. After no contact for 6 months, if she calls you, then discuss the next step. How many emails would work a week or month? How about phone calls? Snail mail? Phone calls? You may want to see where she stands in all of this to help you in guiding your decisions. If she's pushing too much, you'll want to back away more. No matter what you and your husband decides, you'll want to list clear boundaries and guidelines so she understands what's expected. If she was having a hard time in the first place with her she may not be there much anyway. You don't have to allow a thing for her, she I hope she appreciates the effort your doing.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/HarrisburgPAChat
events and chat within 2 hour radius

I'm on the opposite end because you can not force a child to call you mommy. Also since the reason she does not have him was not given I can't say wether it was a good relationship or bad one between the birth mother and son.

I truly do believe some people assume that the people who do not have custody of their kids gave them up or lost them for bad reasons. A good friend of mine lost all of her kids because of rumors and her sister not because of something she did or did not do. In fact she is so depressed and sad because she loves her kids with everything she has. Plain and simple our system did not give her enough of a chance to defend herself or to prove that she was a good mom.

as I said though I do not know your specific situation so it depends on what you can handle just remember you can not force a child to call you anything they do not want to. Do explain that he won't be moving away from you ever again and that you will always be there. Honestly talk to the real birthmother and come up with rules that everyone can live with not just you after all how would you feel if you had been encourage to spend time with your child and to develop a relationship with him and all of a sudden your no longer allowed to do it. look at it both ways before assuming a to strict of view.

M.: First off talk to your adoption worker. They should be able to help you with that. Also, you might try sitting down with her without your new son to talk about how things have changed with her. Sometimes you have to make a "clean break" and start over instead of just continuing as you have been. I'm a current foster parent and the adoption classes that I took didn't address this much but I have a great home study/adoption worker that answers all of my questions any time I ask, to the best of his ability.

I am an open adoptive mommy myself and so I can relate very well. My daughter was adopted from a very close family member so we have had to cross this bridge. I would not feel comfortable letting my DD call the birth person any endearing name that would make me feel threatened like mommy, mother, mom, mama etc. Only because these have special meaning to me as the person who takes care of and nurtures this child in a primary parental way.

Now that being said, if it doesn't make you feel like you are sharing your role then let it be something like that just not the same like if he calls you mommy you could call the birth person Momma Jane or Mother Jane or something like that. But I feel as the adoptive mother you should feel comfortable with whatever you decide on because you are the one with the parental relationship. Not that as open adoption, you don't establish a relationship with the birth person...you do and need to and sounds like you have. The lines have moved therefore the boundaries need to as well.

I am all for open adoption and I think that communication is key. Talk to the birth person, even if it's going to be hard. Have someone neutral there if needed. Explain that the lines have shifted and now you want her opinion and help in making new boundaries that you all are comfortable with. The adoption book someone else mentioned is good and others probably address this as well like she said. Be prepared before talking to her so you can know ahead of time what might come up. But just make sure you ABSOLUTELY reassure the birth person that you are in no way trying to push her out, help her feel confident that she will always have a place and role in the childs life but that things have changed so we all have to adapt and find new boundaries. Life is like that...

In my situation my daughters title for her birth person is Aunt Jane because that is a close meaningful title for someone that we care about and who hold a special role in a family.

Hope this helps and good luck. feel free to PM me if you need to.

a 3 year old doesn't need to be calling two people mommy - i have a three year old as well and he is aware of a lot more than we think sometimes. she is no longer his "mommie". "mother", maybe if YOU are comfortable your son understands the difference. but i'm not sure a 3 year old would. she will always be his birth mother, but unfortunately a three year old doesn't get all that, with all it's compliations. of course i'm sure there may be argument for her not really knowing/understanding what he needs in the first place, hence the adoption...but i think that the mommy thing should stop. look out for your son. congrats on it being official! and good luck :)

M.,
In the end you will do what seems right and most comfortable ( not for YOU, for the child) I think no matter what the circumstances are she is still his biological mom, and when you adopt there are certain things you come to accept, you will become the person that he is closest too, but in order to earn that respect and love I would not try and change what he calls his mom if you are planning on letting her see him. Setting boundaries is a great idea. I applaud your adopting! I wish you so much happiness!
B.

she should absolutely not in any way be called mommy..she should be called by her name but the child should be made aware that he came out of her belly but that you are his mommy and will forever be..its too hard for kids when theyre that young. when hes older its his right to establish a relationship with the birth mom if he so chooses but you will forever be his mom and thats your right to be called mom..boundaries definetly need to be set..i understand its hard for her but that was her choice and your nice enough to still include her in the childs life