In Need of Advice

Oh sweetie that is horrible. Do you have any where else you can go? I don't understand why David won't stand up for you..Not a good sign. Have you tried setting firm bounderies with his mom?

I would go straight to the source. Tell the mom how you feel and let her know if she wants to help out great, but she needs to ask you what you want her to do. I'm guessing the father is not your husband, which may make it harder, but you need to be straight forward with him. Tell him your the mother and you call the shots. He needs to grow up, he is a parent now and needs to stop depending on his mommy. In the meantime, work on gettting out of there.

You don't say how old you are, but you are in a tough situation, and in my opinion, (wife, Mom, grandmother) you
are being pushed aside. I don't know your mother-in-law,
but she should be assisting you and lavishing in HER ROLE
as Grandmother. If you are very young, she should be teaching
you and letting you do it with her assistance, not her doing
it all. I don't know about your relationship with David,
either, but one thing I do know. YOU will always, always,
always be this baby's Mom. You may or may not always have
a relationship with David or the grandmother. Not saying
that you should shove them out entirely, but I am saying
that you have to assert yourself if you want to be this
baby's Mom. Are there some places near you where you can
go to get help? You need guidance, in my opinion, from
professionals at pregnancy help centers or church or many
others that offer free help and guidance. Not being familiar
with where you live and certain circumstances, it is hard
to be specific, but I think you get the idea.
Maybe David and/or his Mom can go with you, but if they
won't...go without them, and take the baby with you!!! In
the end, you may have to argue with David, so what? Like I
said, YOU are the baby's mother; you need help, not adversaries!
I would try in the meantime to strongly, yet kindly, tell
my mother-in-law that you appreciate her help and suggestions,
and will try them, but must do it yourself. Don't be
ashamed to stand up to her and to him....if they get mad,
so what? They will either get over it adn realize their
correct and proper roles or else you need to get help and
get out.
My prayers are with you. Please reply later and let us
all know how you are doing.
G. H

Hi C.,
I have been a victom of this to some degree. I totally understand, it is so difficult to bring such things up to dad because the fight you will have on your hands.

I don't live with my mother in law, but when she visits, she drops hints about my decorating, cleaning, and sometimes mothering/relationship. I put up with it for a good while trying to get along, but got tired.

I can't tell you my way is the right way to handle this, but I think it has worked.

When I was pregnant, I was asked if she was the only one happy about this baby. Normally I would argue with her for something like that and then she would tell me off and then act like nothing happened and I looked or felt like the idiot. Well that time, I told her (in a very calm polite tone) maybe she was...I thought we were happy, but she could be happier than anyone else. of course, immediately she was p/o and wanted to hang up, but I told her to wait because she had not talked to her son yet. So he got the ear full and she and I were both upset, not just me. That didn't do much yet.

When we are alone, she like to tell me I need to decorate my home. Well, I thought I did already. Of course, hubby said she was just trying to help. On her next visit, she brought a stack of decorating magazines for me and said they were for me. So I brought to my husband attention that she really didn't like our decorating because the stack of books. I could see it was starting to sink in, but he would not admit to it.

Then she brought us 3 large room pictures to hang on the walls. So, I told him she wanted to make our house look like hers. He put them in the garage himself.

Another time, she insisted on feeding the baby when she was about 13 months old. This was a messy stage for the baby and I tried to warn her that it wasn't a good idea, but she shushed me and took the baby from me. Hahahaha! she had a spoon full of baby food and the baby grabbed her arm and shoved it and she had a face full of food.

We also had a falling out this year for the baby's birthday. She asked to keep the baby for the day while I went to work and then called me to come home early because she wanted to go do something else. After I gave her her way, she was still angry with me, refused to eat dinner, turned her back to me, and then told me off the next morning. Well, I offered dinner and she said No she would not have any, so I ignored that and made her a plate anyway and she still refused to eat. My husband finally began to see that the two of us just do not get along. I told him I would not visit with her alone any longer and would only call her for a quick happy birthday or merry christmas but the relationship is just not there. He has agreed and we only go on controlled visits with her.

Like I said, it may not be the right way to do it, but I had to do somethings to make my husband understand it was not just me.

Best of luck to you. You will just have to find a way to gain control of your own family. Best of luck to you!

I would hate to be in your position but I would try to talk to her about it and remind her (gently) that you are the mother and despite the fact that she may be more knowlegeable and experienced you would like the privillage and right to learn for yourself with YOUR child. Really what may be best is moving out. That may not be possible but that would probably be the easiest solution. best of luck

If he won't talk to his mom, you need too. It is NOT alright. You are your babies Mom, Mommy, Mama...if she doesn't like Grandma then your daughter can just call her by her 1st name. We do that with one of our kids Grandma's simply because there are 3 of them and the kids get confused. If she doesn't respect you, then you need to move out. I know it is hard. Do you have any place else you can go or can you afford a place? There is no simple answer, someone will be hurt, right now it's you and she probably will be when you talk to her, but it needs to be done. If you wait it will get worse and harder on everyone including your baby. I really hope you can work things out.

Hello,
It sounds like a tough situation but I think you need to stand up for yourself as the mother and insist that the grandmother be called grandma or whatever (other than mother) and that you make the decisions with your husband. I am pretty sure that rice cereal in the bottle is never a good idea (check with pediatrician) and 3 months is entirely too early for solids and can cause other eating issues. I believe the earliest recommended time for starting solids is 4 months, but it is preferable to wait until 6 months. I know that wasn't your question but I am concerned that you should not put rice cereal in a bottle (the point here is to get them to begin to eat solids not drink them). Definitely check with your doctor on when is the best time to start feeding.

Again, stand up for yourself as a mom. Find some local mom's group for support. Just because your MIL has done it before, doesn't make her an expert in today's world with latest research. Believe in yourself. You can do it. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page as parents. It's tough without the grandparents but it doesn't help if they don't let you muddle through it a little.
L.

Hi C.,
I also lived with my in-laws while my children were young and though my Mother in law lived downstairs, she often created some of the same tensions and my husband mostly sided with his mother. I had to be quite assertive (in a nice way, most of the time) and I think you should take charge of being the mother but be gracious when you need help. I find myself as the grandmother now and the tables are turned, though we are not living together. It is a tricky tight rope to walk and I wish you well!
B.

Good Morning C.,

I can understand how it feels to discuss your spouses family withe them, it puts everyone's feelings on high alert, however you are the mother to that beautiful little girl. You took care of her all by yourself with the support of David for nine months, and yes I know that at times you need help with something simple as someone watching her for you to take a shower, been there done that. But in the end I had to rearrange myself to work with the baby's schedule. You may have to get up a little bit earlier to take care of your personal needs so that you can be the one that is always doing for your daughter. And instead of you speaking to David about it, go to his mother, talk to her mother to mother. Be kind but firm and let her know your position on the situation, you will have to get the air clear for you to be able to feel comfortable, and yes I am sure feelings are going to be hurt, however you need to take CONTROL of the situation NOW rather than LATER. That is your child to raise as you and David sees fit, not his parents. And its going to be hard, but better now than later.

And Remember TWO WOMEN cant be in the same house, as soon as you can you get you and your family your own place, because there can only be one Queen per castle:).

Good luck and remember you are the MOMMY and she is the GRANDMA, and each time kindly remind her that sweet oliviah will be addressing her as nanna or grandma, because that is her role, and she needs to play it and not over step her position.

Have a good day,

N.

You need to stop all of this nonsense now. You are the mother and she is the grandmother. How who David feel if another person tried to take his place under the same roof? There is no need to argue the points. I went through similar circumstances when my mother in law came to help. Putting cereal in the bottle to help babies sleep better is a fallacy, an old wives tale. You are and always will be her mother, she came from your womb. Hold your ground and be firm with David. You may need to remove yourself and your daughter if things do not improve. I had to make tough decisions with triplets. You can do it with one. Good luck.

Dear C.,

I have been married for 19 years to a wonderful man. BUT when it came to standing up for his children and me to his family he "WAS" a chicken. That was until they could not make the time, with 5 months pre notice to come to their oldest grandson's eigth grade graduation celebration.

I was once told by a very wise younger woman than myself to CAREFRONT my in laws. Keep your tongue gentle but firmly take control with David by yourside. I am not sure if you are a young mom or older mom but if you two do not get a handle on this it will destroy your relationship and any relationship your child might have with David's Mom.

Here are some alternative's to grandma - Mema, mimi, nana nonnie, grandmother, grammi. My mother in law did not like grandma and asked to be called grammi.

Pray for the right words to be put into your mind and for the gentle delivery to be put upon them. Pray for your anger to subside so that you do not become a bitter person (I speak from experience). YOu may never forget what she has done to you, you may be able to forgive her but for the sake of your daighter and your spirit you need to come to peace with it and let go and let GOD protect you.

God Bless,
D.
Windsor, CO

you are in a sticky problem. if you would you like to parent your own baby you need to be a united team with your husband.or at least tell David how you feel before you tell his mom. then he wont be left in the dark. if you want grandma' help tell her. it is very nice to have your child have a relationship with grandma. she had her chance to raise a child and she did a wonderful job. now its your chance and you will do a wonderfull job too.

I am so sorry that you are being put into this situation. Having a baby is so much joy and your mother-in-law is taking that away from you. She needs to deal with being called nana or grandma. You are your daughter's mother and you should be the only one to be called mama or mommy. Put your foot down, don't let her decide when things should happen in your daughter's life.

The best advice I can give you is to sit down and talk to her. Be honest and up front about your concerns. So people do it unintentionally. If that doesn't work then you need to put your foot down, you are her mother and you will decide what is best for her.

C.,
You should talk to the grandma one on one and let her know how you feel. Tell her while you appreciate the help and advice you also feel as if she is taking away from your "mothering" experience and would appreciate it if the two of you could come to an agreement on responsibilties appropriate for her and you. Your a mom now and it is time to step up and realize that no one is going to communicate your thoughts for you...don't leave it up to David because 1) thats his MOM
2) you need to build the relationship with her
3) assert yourself now with grandma or it will always be a struggle for you!
Hope this helps!

In a very light hearted way, just smile and say, "remember, you already got the fun opportunity to make all the decisions about your kids and what they eat, etc.... Now its my turn to be a mom and get to make all those fun decisions. I love having you around to help with feeding her a bottle and the little things, but the big decisions like what she eats and how much are things that I would like to decide. That is the fun part about being a mom, and I would like to keep those memories, especially since her time as a baby is so fleeting."
As for the what to call grandma issue....I would suggest (again in the nicest sweetest way) saying, since I am her mom and she may want to call me mama, I would rather her call you another loving name such as nana, noni, momo, etc so that it doesn't become confusing."
Lastly, I would do whatever you can to move out! She is going to be controlling you and your child for as long as you live under her roof! Good luck!

I have not had this experience nor do i hope to ever stumble across it. But i would say tell the mother that she is stepping into your shoes and you really don't like it. And the her being called mom ABSOLUTLEY not. That is too much for me to handle. I don't know if you will hit a brick wall with all this because your partner is not supporting you either which that needs to be delt with as well (good luck - maybe some couples counciling would do good) but i wish you the best and will send a prayer out for you.
Good Luck ~hang in there you are mom and must do what is right for you & your baby even if it is hard.
A.
www.romance2nite.com

Hi, I had the same problem but, with my mom. As I'm single mom and she came to help me for a while it was hard to me argue to her about her position as grandmother and mine as mother of my baby, she was taking care of my baby all day long becouse I'm working. So I start talking to my baby and every time I remark "this is your mom" "Hi, mom is back", "look mom is here" and phrases a like. After that I show my mom to my baby and said: "Hey look who's here: your grandma! Hello grandma, i'm with my momma! At beginning my mom was serious, It took cuple weeks for her to start calling herself "grandma".
I think the important here is that your baby knows that your her mom.
You are responsible for your baby so if you desagree on any decision and you don't want to argue or don't know how to tell your mother in law no to get involve is better if you said something like "I made a research i found out this is better for my baby".

Hope my advise helps you.

Ugh! How frustrating! I know what it's like. My mother-in-law didn't live with us thank goodness, but she was always trying to coach my husband into telling me what to do when it came to things like putting rice cereal in our son's bottle when he was a month old "because it will help him sleep through the night". It was a very frustrating time for me, being a first-time mom and having his mom always trying to tell him the "right" way to do things. It also caused quite a few arguments with my husband and I, his side being that his mom had 3 kids and knew what she was talking about, my side being that the last kid she had was almost 20 years ago and a lot of things had changed since then. What worked for me was to go online, find an article of how doctors now say that giving babies even rice cereal too early can cause food allergies because their little tummies can't digest anything but milk. Print it out, show it to the dad and his mom, and firmly tell them "I am my child's mother, no one else. I will do what I feel is best for my child. You raised your children the way you wanted, and I will raise my children the way I want. Please respect my wishes." That's what I did. It was hard but she backed off after that. With the calling her momma instead of nanna, I don't know what to tell you. My mother-in-law couldn't decide and then when she found out what MY mom picked (grammy) she was like oh, maybe I'll be grammy. I was like nope, my mom already picked that one. Just keep being firm, and eventually if it doesn't get better, you may need to move out on your own with just the father. Good luck!

Sorry your husband wants to have an arguement about this....
I don't know why you live with his parents but it time for him to grow up and get your own home...

I wonder how he would feel if you lived with your parents and your dad tried to control him being a father....

It is nice your mother in-law wants to help out but she is over stepping her roll....She is Grandma/Nanna or whatever not your daughter's Momma....

She sounds like a very controling person.....This is not healthy for you,your husband and daughter....Your mother in-law needs to go to counseling...

I wish I had a better answer for you...

I had a mother and father in-law like this, the best thing that happened and made our marriage stronger was we moved 3 hours away from them...

I said I would never be like my in-laws...When my son got married I have kept my word.....I have a WONDERFUL daughter in-law,two BEAUTIFUL grandkids,my son is a grownup....We have a great relationship.....

I NEVER butt into their life unless they ask and after 17 years I still use caustion when they do ask...

GOOD LUCK...

You are in my prayers.....

C. first, Congradulations on the baby girl.

Second, Does David have any sisters? IF he does not, that may be the problem with Grandma. She may be jealous of you for having a girl. IF he does, then may be it's because they are not there, to show off the grandbaby to her, as much as you.

Third, GET OUT OF MOMMY'S HOUSE!!! Just like over 90% of your responses has been. This will stop all "I want to do this my way." Then, when you get out, and she is still persistant, give her the I'm out of your house, and I don't have to follow your rules. Thank her for the advice, and let her know it's just that, advice. You will follow the advice only if you don't know what to do.

I was like this with my oldest, but when we moved out of his mom's house, and into our own, things changed. We even moved across the street, and she was not allowed to come over to our house, without permission, and then I made it only about 15 to 30 min at a time. I made sure the babies were sleeping, this way she could not tell me how to "raise" my kids. I also married a "mommas boy" but when you are living on your own, they do seem to take your side, more.

I wish you the best.

Sounds like you have a bigger problem that Grandma. Your baby's father is falling down on his job. He should be backing you and your child. Does he work? Why do you live with grandparents? You need to be on your own and possibly married to this child's father. Is he mature enough to be responsible? You have a lot of questions to ask yourself but remember, you are the one who will have to make your decisions. It is possible that you are the one who will have to support your child physically, mentally, emotionally and financially. You need help, not another anchor. Good luck!

I'm sorry for that, I had that problem to with my mother in law, it was so awful and to this day I still don't like her because of it. If your man is siding with her it makes it even more tough because you have nobody on your side. I got to the point to where I would do everything in my power to keep my kids away from her, I know it sounds awful, and I was so vindictive about it, I feel bad now, but I couldn't stand how she'd do anything to try to make my kids like her more than me! She was always overstepping her boundaries and changing the rules and trying to take over being M.. It's just plain awful. The only suggestion I have for you is to get out of their house no matter what it takes, because it will only get worse, she is obviously a control freak and wants your child! You have to remind her who is the mother here, and just because her child is grown doesn't mean she has the right to tell you how to parent. This is your child and you have the right to tell her to keep her nose out of it (in a nice way of course) The only problem with our parents, is there is not much you can do to change their minds, they are normally set in who they are, and you may be talking until your blue in the face.
Good luck, and I hope you can get your own place soon!

My dear C. R,

You are on dangerous ground. You married a mama's boy too. My experience was similar but we were living in our own place when my first daughter was born. My ex mother-in-law insisted on staying with us for the summer. She re-arranged my cabinets, furniture, as well as showing me how to "mother" the correct way, and did not hesitate to tell me what i did wrong. She stayed for all of two weeks. I had to politely let her know that I appreciated her advice, she did a great job with her own kids, however, I want to enjoy the experience of motherhood too.

That was the end of the good relationship we had. I did her wrong. It was only good when it was on her terms.

This is a very delicate situation. I obviously didn't do the right thing. To preserve all rights and hope for raising you own child, you'll need to find your own place for your family. Otherwise, you must abide by the rules of the house you're in - and your in her house.

I'm so sorry you are going throught this. It's always hard adjusting to being a new mom and for Grandma, who is used to being a mom, to switch to the role of grandma. Especially since you are living in her house.
I think the best thing to do is to decide which things are the most important to you, The thing you really want to be in charge of, like when to introduce solids and who the baby will call "mama." Then have a heart to heart with the baby's grandma. Let her know that you apreciate her help with things like when she feeds the baby while you take a shower or while you get a nap. Then let her know that you are the baby's mother and that She is a Grandma. She will always be important to Oliviah but that you, as her mom, have the last say in anything that happens with her. You need to stick up for yourself and your baby.
The next thing to do is educate yourself as much as possible. Read everything you can get your hands on about babies and parenting and then make an educated decision about the care of your daughter. Then when grandma wants to take over, you can tell her what you want for your baby and why. For example "I'm not going to give her rice cereal until she is at least 4 months old because research shows that giving it to her before then increases her chance of childhood diabeties." Then she really can't argue with that and even if she does you just remind her that you are Oliviah's mother and you have the final say.
I hope that things imporve and good luck with the conversation you have with Grandma.

Best, Julie

why aren't you and 'father' david living on your own??? that would certainly put an end to this...

C.,

WHen my husband and i had our first, we lived with his mom the first 4 months and we had the exact same problems. Things became heated even after i talked to her and tried to explain to her that this is our child not yours and you are not the mommy. The best thing we did was MOVE OUT. I was very hard,money tight and things, but definately worth the struggle. We still have issues with her (my son is 3 now), but now she respects me for what I did, becuase I knew I was strong enough to take care of my children. AT first it really didn't feel like it, but now i'm so glad I did, and i would do it again. It's really just to hard to have 2 women of the household. You should also, sit down and talk with the father to make it clear to him that this is your child not your mom's and he should support you. He should also, sit in the conversation with his mom. It's his MOM! I really hope this helps!! I totally understand. GOOD LUCK!!

Yikesm what a bind you are in! I can't say that I have been in your situation, other that when my mother-in-law came to visit, she tried to help the baby stop crying when we were in the car together. She wanted me to pull over. I explained to her that it wasn't practical for me to pull over and sometimes baby cry and the baby needed to learn that I can't stop and hold her every time she cries. It was akward for the moment but we got over it.
Have you thought about trying to talk to her directly? Put your concerns out there but in a non-confrontational way. For example, tell her that your doctor said that you shouldn't offer rice cereal until she is between 4-6 months old (which is the norm by the way). Or ask her to hold a camera when the time is right to offer cereal so she can get a picture of you doing it.
Imply that calling you both Mama is going to be too confusing for her but offer her some other options. And when you play with your baby and you are near her, you can say things like " look at grandma or nanna" - etc... You could even tell the grandmother that you are doing sign language with the baby and show her the signs for mamma and grandma - something to curb the idea that you are uncomfortable with it, but it is for the baby's best interest and learning.
If all else fails - maybe just have a sit down with her. Don't count on David to take sides, he won't want to and I think guys just don't get it.

Good luck!!!

Talk to the mom not David. David is Ok with this because she is his mom. You need to gently remind grandma that you are the mom and although you greatly appreciate her help you are still the mom. Make sure you are not sending mixed signals about how much help you want. It is easy to leave the baby with her just to run to the store but if she was not there you would take the baby with. If she was not there you would wait until the baby is napping to take a shower or take the baby in the bathroom with you. And if the grandma is still trying to take over you may need to tell her to stop it.

Hey C..

In a normal situation, David would be responsible for quelling any conflict between his mother and you. Since that avenue has a roadblock, unfortunately your only choice is to take grandma aside and tell her that there are boundaries that she's crossing. Try to bring her back to when she was a mother and all the joys of decision making that she may have had. Do not forget to remind her that you appreciate all the help that she gives, but be firm on your stance that you are the mother and are more than capable of handling the exciting and challenging times of motherhood. Never be afraid of asking for advice from her because she will know things that you may not have thought of. I know that my similar situation prevented me from asking for information because I did not want her to over play her position. What I realized was that the more I tried to "un-involve" her the more she stepped over that line. So asking her questions gives her the feeling that she is relevant and will hopefully cease her having to push her way in. That calling her mother instead of grandmother thing is waaayyyyyy out of line and should not be stood for. She is a mother and now a grandmother as well, and being a grandmother is the next stage in life that is just as exciting. Peace.

First off...putting rice cereal in her bottle is horrible. It can literally sufficate her by causing her to asperate. Search the internet or talk to your doctor about it. 3 months is also to young for rice, their digestives systems are not able to tolerate it.
Second...tell your boyfriend/babys fathers mom to back off. This is your baby, you are the mom and if she doesn't have the respect for you that you deserve, I would definetly make some other type of living arrangments. But if you don't speak up now, this woman will continue to find her place in between you guys and be a constant source of negativity in your life. I wouldn't ask her for any help. Take your baby into the bathroom with you in a swing or bouncer while you shower, that is what I always did. Then when she is sitting put her on the floor with toys etc. Keep her with you...take control-she's your daughter.

You need your own home. It may be tough, but that's the only way. As the old saying goes...when you live under my roof, you go by my rules. Save your marriage and motherhood now by having your own home.

You need to tell her without anger in your voice that while you appreciate her help and advice you are the mommy and will have the final say on when and how things are done with your daughter. Then start doing EVERYTHING in your power to move out. Clearly she feels that she is the adult in the house and if you are not clearly standing up to that role she will take it. Make a point of not needing her help. Pretend you do not live there and do not have the live in help that you do. Don't expect her to do anything. Make sure the baby is taken care of and fed before you get in the shower. Almost every shower I took for the first 4-6 months of my life was with my son sitting in his bouncy seat just outside the shower door. By allowing her to help you, you are actually giving her power. Maybe she feels that you can't do it on your own. Prove to her that you can. Don't ask her to babysit, feed, get up with or care for your baby unless it is an extreme circumstance. That is the best way to show her that you ARE the mom and that you mean business.

I can relate to the title issue. My mother-in-law goes by mama ---- (her name). There are 3 older grandchildren before my son who called her by this name. I felt every strongly about it and taught my son to call her grandma. However, when we would get together all the other grandkids called her mama ---- and so my son did, too. I would correct him and it just became such an issue and confusing for him that I just realized it's not worth making such a big deal. He knows she is his grandma.

As far as your mother-in-law trying to step in and be mother to your baby, that is NOT OK. I would let her know that you appreciate the help she gives you, but that you will decide what it best for your daughter and that you would appreciate her respecting that. She had her turn as a mother raising her children and now it's your turn.

Good luck to you!

Im sorry you have to go through this. alot of grandparents try to take over, Maybe since David is not listening to you maybe you need to sit down with his mother and talk to her about it. Just let her know that you would like to get to know your own baby and for her to back off a little bit. Let her know that if you want her help, that you will ask for it. I think it is very inappropriate for her to try and have the baby call her momma. Good luck with this.

Hi C. - it is absurd that that his mother wants the baby to call her momma and that he supports it. The thing is, it is not up to either of them, it is up to YOU and you need to stand your ground and set your boundaries with GRANDMA - not him. It's his mother, he's not going to make waves with her but this is your baby and neither of them have the right to usurp your place in your baby's life. You simply tell her that you do not want to confuse your daugher and she will refer to grandma in an appropriate way to recognize her as grandma, that you appreciate the help but all decisions about your baby will be made by you. It would also help your cause to minimize the amount of time his mother actually cares for the baby. As far as the huge arguments with the boyfriend go when you positon yourself from a place of non-negotiation and stand your ground there is no room for argument. Simply stated, you tell him this is your baby and you are not sharing your motherhood with his mother - help and support is always appreciated but you are being disrespected.

Good luck!

Hi C.,
I'm not sure how old you or David are--but I am guessing you are young. He has not been able to cut the apron strings from Mama and isn't standing up for you. You two need to move out and live on your own. Is that possible? Also, believe me (I've been married 21 years) if HE doesn't stand up to her NOW you will always be second in his life and you will be miserable. It is a terrible way to live. You both need to stand up against Grandma--she is NOT the mother to your baby--and it will confuse your daughter. If he is unwilling to be a team with you--you need to take your daughter and leave. He may visit--but don't let him have all the "fun" without any responsibility. You need to give him a choice--your mom or me. I had to do that after 8 years of marriage (believe me--there were red flags that I chose to ignore)--and he chose me. It's not a guarantee--so you have to mean it if you say it. I was ready for him to leave--it would have been hard. 13 years later we have a great marriage--but not without a lot of work. He finally had to "man up" and leave his family and "cleave" to his wife. I hope it works out well. Let us know.

Never give up your rights as a parent. I would get a list of responsabilities of mom, dad, grandma and grandpa. You can either search the internet or make them up yourself. It is not ok that the baby calls her momma. You are the baby's mom. You have to take that role even if you have to fight for it. I also suggest you have the boundry's conversation with your mother in law; she is the one you have to set the boundries with not your husband. If you were ok with becoming a part of your husbands family and adding to it by brining your own baby into it then you have to be ok with setting boundries also. Maybe your husband will see how much it really is upsetting you if take up the issue with grandma instead of him. You are both still in the honeymoon period with the baby and the family so he may not see that something is up; instead he might feel that his mother is just overly excited about her grandchild. I also suggest you find some books about setting boundries, rules and goals. Hope this helps.

I would take her aside and explain to her that you are her mother and that you appreciate her help, but she didn't birth the child and you are her mother and so you are the only one to be called mom/mother. Explain that she is David's mom and that's great, but to your daughter she is not mother, maybe memaw, or grandmother or something that sounds a little like mother, but that's not. If you dont stand on your own feet about this now, then she's going to continue to take controll and you'll never have a say. I know it's hard, I did it with my husbands mother, except she was telling people that my kids were "my babies" meaning her babies and I had to pull her aside, my husband thougth I was being silly/childish & he thought I just needed to let her say what she wanted, people knew the kids were mine, anyway if you dont do it now, she wont stop. Good luck

As long as you're living with her, enjoy the help, but keep in mind, her acting like the mother is not about you not being a good mother, it is possibly about her needing to show her son that she is a loving and doting mother. If they ever had a "rough" relationship this might be her subconcious way to smooth it over. How lucky for your daughter!

Wow C.. I am so sorry you're going through this. It's twisted...but not that rare. My boyfriends little sister still does this. I now say to my son, "Well, your MY son...". You may just have to sit down with her and get it all out in the open. YOU are her mother. Nobody else has the right to carry on the title if you wish. It's all up to you. Obviously her father has no upper hand in the household. So, you can sit down with her-woman to woman and let her know while still being respectful. It will get worse with time so it's best to fix it while your daughter is still too young to catch on to any of it. Good luck...Be strong.

Dear C.,

I suggest you talk to her. Tell her how much you appreciate her help, and good advice. Tell her she is very important to your daughter and your husband. Tell her that since this is your first baby you would really like to make most of the decisions for how she is going to be raised. Just let her know that if you need help, she is the first one you will call on.

I guarantee making her an ally instead of an enemy will help you, your marriage, and your daughter. When two people get stuck in a power struggle - no one wins! Everyone escalates the frustrations until someone gets hurt.

I would also have the same kind of conversation with your husband. Tell him how important his support is to you and your daughter. Tell him how much you appreciate his Mom's help. Tell him you need to be able to parent your daughter just like you would if you didn't live with his parents. Tell him you will always ask her for support whenever it is needed.

As soon as he stops feeling like you are trying to make him choose between his M. and you - he will behave much better.

Good Luck! I wish you the very best! Try to get out of the house whenever possible too. Time away will do wonders. Even if just a walk around the block.

Smiles to you! You will be just fine.

I raised 7 children and I understand.

First off if she only has sons she is trying to raise your daughter as the daughter she never had. I went through this with my ex-mother -in-law. The only thing I can suggest is to move out. If this is in no way an option, spend as much of your time that you can with your daughter, and when you refer to grandma call her that accordingly. Your daughter will know that you are mommy and she will pay more attention to what you call her, than what grandma tells her to call her. My ex-mother-in-law also had wanted to only speak my husbands first language (Farsi) to the kids first so that they would learn it first and then English second.(I only speak English) so despite what she tried to do , my kids spoke English because I did. We get along just fine even though my ex and I got divorced and they teach my kids Farsi when they are there, but if they are just talking to them they speak English, because my kids know very little of the other language. Your daughter will call grandma whatever you call grandma, as long as you are the person she spends the most time with.

I had something like that happen to me with my youngest. You need to stand up for your right to be a parent. And the Dad needs to back you up and do the same. She should be the GRANDPARENT. It's still fun(says my parents). You need to tell her politely that you gave life to the little one and she can be a grandparent but she needs to let you be the parent...mistakes or not(I had to tell my mom the same thing...sometimes they don't like the thought of being "grandparents"). Then if that does not work then you need to put distance away from her and the baby(unfortunately)until she understands that you need a turn to be a parent and that is your right(and your baby). When I talked to my parents I explained that it was my baby and I was glad for her help but I got to be the parent. My parents understood and have a great relationship with my now 6 yr old.

at 3 mos old she should not have rice in her bottle. Your mother in law sounds like she has control issues tht need addressed. You guys need the time to develop your young family and bond, you need to move if possible, or lay down the law with her. that is just sick and twisted

C... the best thing I would think is to sit down and discuss this with the grandmother. and cry a little if necessary.(if she is any kind of mother this will touch her heart)..be kind but let her know it hurts your feelings ..that you are so happy she loves your little daughter and is her grandmother BUT you are the mother and you want to make the decisions where baby is concerned and ask her to understand..how would she feel if someone had done this to her son. GOOD LUCK!

My grandmother always said you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar..in other words..choose kind words and it will pay off.

Pray and ask for strength and knowledge of how to handle it..

Hi! The only thing you can do is to move out before this ruins your relationship with david... If there is one!
I know that when my ex husbands parents interfeared it broke up our marriage. His mother tryed to tell me how to raise our son....
You need to deside what is right for you and the baby!!!!! best wishes

Hi,
As a parent educator, I've heard of this type of story more times than I can tell you!
Unless the Grandmother is planning on raising your child, she is out of line.

The only way I know to approach this, is to be honest, and not with David. He will always be caught in the middle, and if his mother is strong enough to move in on your child, then she has quite an emotional hold on him too.

How is the relationship with the Grandmother now? I'm guessing it's not so good. If that's the case then you have to ask yourself, do I have anything to loose or everything to gain by addressing this situation? That's where you will find your courage.

If you're comfortable, try having a conversation with her; it could go something like this.

As the one who gave birth to Oliviah, I need to have the freedom to learn from my child and make my own mistakes. I need to know what her cranky sounds are and how to fix them, and if you do it for me I will never learn. You had that beautiful opportunity with your son and now it's my turn to learn from my daughter.

You're an amazing mother with a ton of knowledge, and I need you to help me.
However, I don't need you to do for me, that will only stop me from learning.
I promise to involve you, and ask for help when I need it, that's the joy of being a GRANDMOTHER. If that doesn't work for you then I will find other living arrangements.

**Before you have this conversation you must decide if you can move out if the Grandmother doesn’t agree. You need to decide if you want to move out, and see if you have a place to go, even if it's just temporary while you make your point. This is the first major boundary you've probably had to enforce as a new mother, there will be plenty more, try looking at this as practice.
Good Luck, The Mommie Mentor, www.proactiveparenting.net

Your baby's daddy just feels more confident with her in charge cause then he doesn't have to stand up to her or maybe just cause she's older. But the fact is you are the mama. You are the one and only in that little girls mind right now. And if anyone else dares intrude on your time, territory, whatever you have a right to say back off. So I think you should be mature about it, thank her for her efforts, tell her you appreciate when she spends quality grandparent time while you shower. But that for rice cereal decisions and so on she must consult with you. She had her baby. This is your baby. It's okay to straight out say that. But one thing I have to clarify, if the rice cereal is truly for the benefit of your daughter then okay let it go. It's impossible to be there for every single "first" that ever comes along and you will go crazy if you think you need to be. But if she is rushing your daughter to eat something that her body might not be ready for, for example, she is a healthy weight breast fed baby, then you need to tell crazy Grandma/Momma to step back cause that makes her a possible risk to your daughter and that's not okay. You can always put the baby to sleep in a car seat in the bathroom while you shower. Even if she cries a little just cut your shower short. Weigh the risks. Forget the daddy. If he can't watch the baby while you shower then his opinion is null and void.

I would flat out tell her, "you are not the mother, I am. She will not call you momma ever" In fact I would stop asking her for help...do as much on your own as she can. When I had my first daughter I was living at home with my parents...I would take a shower while my daughter was sleeping or I would put her in her carrier and bring her in the bathroom with me.

Maybe if you just sit down and talk to her and ask her why she wants this and let her know exactly how you feel maybe she will understand.

As far as David goes....again if it ends in a fight....then this is something you might just need to fight for. Its not fair to you and maybe he just doesn't understand or he just doesn't want to hurt his mom...he is afraid that you guys might get kicked out....who knows what the real reason is. Tell him that the baby is going to start calling Grandpa "Dad".

Sorry I don't have much advice, but I would not allow it and I would fight with both "grandma" and David until I was blue in the face to prove my point. If things didn't change, I would start looking for a new place to live. (but that is just me!)

Good Luck!

Dear C.,

I am a sahm of three kids. I can totally sympathize with you because I went through a similar experience when my first daughter was 1 1/2. We had moved back to our home town and my mother-in-law treated me as if she needed to either teach me how to raise my child or do it herself. When I acted resistant to this treatment she proceeded to behave as if she was the rightful mother and believed that my daughter was born for her and was the daughter she never had. She started to follow my daughter's lead in pretending that she was the mother and would enjoy having my daughter call her mommy. It got totally out of hand and I had to fight to reclaim my rightful title. Honestly it took a couple of years for my m-in-law to realize that she would loose her privileges if she kept treating me poorly. It also took that long for my husband to kick in and set boundaries with her. Once he got on board, we became a force to reckon with and decided that we would have to limit her time with our children. It's hard for others to understand exactly what you are going through, even your husband. I can only imagine how tough it must be to live with her. You are in a very vulnerable place as a new mother and it's important to surround yourself with a healthy support circle and learn how you would like to mother. She had her turn, now it's yours. I've done a lot of journal writing and learned to articulate exactly what I want my husband to do to support me. It's no longer a discussion, rather it's about what I am and am not comfortable with, period! I am the mother and if his mother isn't willing to support me as that then she looses her privileges. My Mother-in-law finally caught on when we walked out on her on Mother's Day for challenging me. After that she started to treat me and my children more appropriately. My husband and I also became very good at setting boundaries and it has helped us in many ways. As parents building a family we have to work from the inside out and not allow other people to interfere, no matter who it is. If there is money involved, and it sounds like there might be, then your m-in-law may feel an even greater sense of entitlement. My husband and I had to face this too and figure out how to become totally financially separate because we were living in a rental they owned for an affordable price. Oh ya, she thought they owned us and that we owed her what she wanted. After four-and-a-half years of this, we moved. We are so glad to be out from under her thumb. All the rules have changed now and we continue to set boundaries. My husband just told her last month that he didn't want to see her for a year. Ouch! It's painful, but once you have your own family, it's your job to keep it happy and healthy and if it's your husband's family then it's your husbands job to communicate with his mother.

Good luck!

move out as soon as you can. the sooner the better then talk to your husband and tell him you will tell her that you appreciate the help and stuf but that you want to do the child rearing ask him to be there when you talk to her and if he says no then do it alone. talk with the pediatrician and ask when is a good time to starte feeding cereal etc and use that to back yourself up. tell ter that the pediatrician told h you to start solids at 4 months or whatever he says and you decide the schedule. whrite it down and tape it to the fridge if you have to. you just have to be stron. you may live in her house but it is your child

C.,
Wow I thought me living with my mother-in-law and I totally know what it is like, although my mother-in-law is more helpful than controlling,and I can relate with you on the feeling that your husband puts you decond to his mother, although again it sounds like yours is a major momma's boy who you need to snapp back in to reality. You are the mommy and never let anyone take that away from you. But believe me I know how it feels to be married to a momma's boy.