So, this is long and winded. I apoligze in advance if it doesn't make sence of if you get bored or confused in the middle of reading! A bit of background is needed to 'get to my point and frustration'. Long story short version: When I was born, a woman named Lorna was a HUGE part of my life, practically raising me for about 6 years. She went out of the picture untill I serched her out when I was 27. (another long story on why she was gone.) Anyway, the reunion was priceless. I feel a large part of me was found and she means the world to me, and I know I am 'precious' to her as well. Her and her wife (shes gay, obviously with the word wife involved..) Jan have been together for 12 years. So, Jan has two girls of her own, that Lorna helped bring up since they were about 12. One of her girls worked for me (twice) that I had to fire.. twice. Jan constantly comes across as Martha friggin Stewart and Mary Poppins and both of her kids can do no wrong. So firing her daughter was lets just say a wrench in the equation. So with that said, I can get to the meat of the story. (if you are still reading, Thank you for your help and time)
I spend A LOT of time with Lorna, as do my 2 boys. She is not exactly the motherly one of their relationship, shes the 'guy'. Now she may be the 'guy' but Jan wears the pants in their relationship. When I am at her house with just Lorna we play with the kids, the house is 'messy' it is easy going and fun. When Jan is there, it is 'SHHHHHHHH, Jan is on the phone' or 'No you cant eat those, they are Jans' or 'don't touch that is Jans..' blah blah blah It is like a military institution (ok, way exageration but you get my point) then I listen to Jan talk and talk and talk about perfect her life is how perfect her kids were when they were little. Then to top it off, she be-littles Lorna the entire time. I makes me sick to my stomach. When her girls are there, a huge production is made! Food all set out, drinks, snacks. The whole nine yards. With us... we get nothing. My dinner date yesterday is why this is all coming out. We were there for HOURS. We weren't offered anything, and the muffin my kids wanted they had to share. Her daughter got there, and INSTANTLY out came the food. So i am feeling like the ugly step child times 10 and my kids are just a second thought. They call them both granma, (although neither of them are blood related)... I have tried in a very 'meek, polite' way to say something to Lorna, and she gets quite defensive over Jan, and talking to Jan it out of the question because she will make Lornas life miserable if she were to continue to hang out with me. Lorna is just a COMPLETLY different person around Jan. LIke I said, this is long and winded and I don't even know if you can make sense of it. I am frustrated. I am sad. I just don't know how to handle the situation. If any of you got through reading this.... UG, what is the solution?
Jan isnt a social butterfly, so you need to meet up with Lorna without Jan, Jan would probably appreciate that. She sounds like a snarky husband, lol.
It sounds to me that Jan is an emotional abuser. Hopefully you can help Lorna out of this relationship.
As far as the food goes, bring something when you go. As far as Jan goes, Lorna will have to figure that one out on her own...
I usually never go to someone's house to hang out and expect to be fed. If it happens I'm grateful but unless it's a prearranged lunch date or something, I either pull snacks out of my purse or cut the visit short, explaining that the kids are getting hungry and we have to go have lunch or dinner or whatever. If my host wants us to linger they usually offer to feed us to keep us around. If not we part ways until next time.
I think my thought process stems from an encounter I had at a friends house when I was in eleventh grade. I made fast friends with a girl and we were pretty inseparable. I would walk to her house after school and we'd hang out watching movies and whatever until my mom got off work and picked me up and took me home. During that time at her house, my friend and I would raid her cupboards for snacks. We'd cook up all sorts of things for ourselves with whatever we could find in the fridge.
One day, her mother came home from work early and we were at the stove cooking. She put her purse down, came up to me and said, "Sweetie, you know I love you like a daughter but you're going to eat me out of house and home!"
I knew they didn't have a lot of money and I blushed furiously at my lack of foresight. I never thought about how much money I must have cost them over the months of eating there. After that I always made sure to pack extra stuff in my backpack to share with my best friend when we went to her house after school so we didn't put such a burden on their pantry.
So I guess my question to you would be, how often do you reciprocate meals? Do you think Jan may feel like you are mooching? Or being a bit of a burden to their pantry? Maybe this is why she is passively aggressively not feeding you or your brood. Next time you visit, bring a pizza or a couple of bags of groceries so that you can fix snacks for everyone.
So, we have kind of a similar situation with my FIL and his longtime live-in girlfriend. She's never had kids and while she like my son and my son calls her grandma, she's super uptight about mess and dirt and toddler issues. She tries, god love her, but she doesn't have the grandmothery spirit.
And here's my solution. Take them both for how they are. Together and separately. That's just the dynamic, you may not like it, you may disagree with her assessment of her children, etc. The thing is, it works for *them*. Sounds like Jan is the (sort of) grown-up and Lorna is the more playful one. Jan probably keeps Lorna in line and Lorna probably bring Jan back down to earth.
If there's issues around food, bring over a tray of muffins every time you go over. Or a plate of cookies, or a can of nuts (lol, sorry, lesbian joke from my very good lesbian friends) or something. I get it's not about the food, it's about the sense of feeling welcome but what I'm doing is using your example to get you thinking about how you can feel comfortable with their dynamics and play along.
This would irk me too so I get it. How about having Lorna spend time with you and your kids at your place instead?
Leave Jan out of the gathering all together. That way you guys can ALL have a great time and there's no stress and anger.
Can you get together with Lorna on more neutral ground? Sounds like Jan is someone to avoid if possible, just like you would for any close friend's unlikable significant other. Maybe have Lorna over to your house, or meet at a coffee shop or playground. Sounds like a lose-lose situation with Jan if you cannot really discuss it with her. Anyway, you can't control Jan, you can't control Lorna...all you can control is you! Good luck.
I think it's time to change your expectations of Lorna. She sounds like a love when it's one on one time.
Lorna sounds conflicted and emotionally sensitized to her mates demands, both reasonable and unreasonable.
Those other children are hers as well, so it does stand to reason that special attention would be given to them. We can not begin to understand the history and reasoning behind the selective hospitality. I'm sure it stems back to their own issues. We all compensate for things in our lives. For them it's food for their kids as soon as they show up and pretending they are perfect....even though you have experienced otherwise.
I would recommend in the future, you take a 'potluck' attitude while visiting on their turf. I would actually go out of my way to make up a huge casserole, or salad and bring the entire thing to share with everyone. After a few times they might get the message that you and your kids are safe to feed.
When my kids were younger especially, and even now, I packed snacks to have in case they were needed. Like baggies with goldfish, grapes, juice boxes, etc. So you don't have to count on anyone else having things for your kids (or you if you need a snack too!). And limit your time at their home. Ask Lorna to come to your house or meet you at the park. You don't have to feel obligated to hang around Jan just because they are a couple. good luck.
wow, I read your post-- I understand that you are hurt and frustrated. My solution is to quit going over there. If you want to see Lorna, have her meet you somewhere or come to your house. Don't deal with Jan-she seems set in her ways and isn't very nice to you. As for the food thing, Jan is just rude. She doesn't offer and Lorna acts like a doormat when she is around-so I wouldn't put up with it anymore.
When Lorna asks why you don't come over anymore, tell her the truth-you feel like second class citizens and Jan isn't nice to you or your family. Best wishes- you can't change them, but you can change how YOU react and how YOU allow them to be in your life.
Molly
I read your entire post, I am a little confused but want to help. I think your issue is that when Jan is around, you are treated as if you aren't there or important. I jsut have a couple questions for you to ponder (maybe I am being the devil's advocate here, but I don't know the whole story)
With the whole dinner thing, was she just waiting till her daughter got there to eat? I am not sure, but maybe.
Is it maybe that she thinks of you as family and if you want something to eat you should just get it? Maybe she just doesn't think about it?
Maybe, jsut maybe she doesn't care too much for having you there, maybe takes away from her relationship with her other half and that makes her jealous. That maybe where this is all coming from. Not that its ok, but if that is the case, you could talk about it with her (hopefully).
If there isn't anything you can do to remedy the situation, then perhaps you could invite Lorna to your house to visit you and the boys?
Like I said, I am not 100% sure what the issue is but I just had these questions pop in my head while reading this, so I thought I would pass them on for you to think about.
I hope you can get to a point where you feel comfortable there. And if not, hopefully Lorna can come to your house occassionally.
So Lorna can't offer any food herself? I assume she's so cowed by Jan that it isn't up to her. If not, Lorna could offer food herself - not Jan's responsibility to feed Lorna's friends. You say a dinner date so does that mean you were invited for dinner? If so, then it depends if there was no food past a reasonable dinner hour or Jan's daughter got home at dinner time and that's when the food came out. That would be logical. Overall, I agree you should't go over there and visit with Lorna elsewhere without Jan around. In terms of this instance, I'm not sure of all the specifics but make sure you're not always over there expecting food. Jan may get annoyed with that. I get tired of feeding some people too if it happens a lot, they don't reciprocate etc.
I think 'Mommee' hit the nail on the head!
I guess your best option is trying to schedule to do things with Lorna without Jan around. Although, that may be difficult, it sounds as though that is what is best.
you can't change their relationship. you can take food for your kids, but it sounds as if it would be best to limit your time there. obviously if your kids have a relationship with both of them you don't want to hurt feelings by cutting jan out completely, but you can just pop over to see them both for brief visits (half an hour) and schedule your long sweet wonderful visits with lorna either at your house or a neutral location.
khairete
S.
Invite Lorna to your house but don't go to theres if Jan is around. You are not going to change the situation as frustrating it is to see someone we love treated poorly. It is Lorna's decision to stay with this person. I wouldn't say anything, just accept invitations that will involve just Lorna and your family in the activity wherever it might be. Offer invitations to just Lorna or when you know Jan isn't availabe. If you're in that situaion again, treat it like bring your own but take the upper road and always act gracious and polite.
Not a whole lot you can do about it, but I certainly wouldn't spend HOURS somewhere where I felt unwelcome. I am too busy to waste my time like that. Sounds like Jan and Lorna have problems that only they can resolve. Until then, I would limit my time there.
Jan is part of Lorna's life so unfortunately if you want to be ANY part of Lorna's you've got to accept things for what they are. Things may have been different way back then, but this is how they are now and I know this is hard but I go thru the same thing in order to continue a relationship w/my brother and his children, his wife is the same way. But I know I need to keep my mouth shut b/c he has never backed me up and he never will. It's hard, trust me I know that but this is who they are and be thankful for who we are. Good luck!
