Going to a Funeral Just to Be Seen by Others?!?!?

First, let me say that there have been people that I haven't thought about in years but have heard of them dying and yes, it is so sad and a reminder that life is taken for granted since I am only 29.
Yes, I might post that I am attending their funeral. Not for attention, but to let others who might know him/of him know.
Second, I just lost a nephew. You know what? I didn't know him like I wish that would have. Don't blame people for posting this stuff. People are taken for granted. It's just the way of life.

I agree that you can't always judge the intentions of others. Funerals are really providing support for the family of the deceased - so those people who show up are showing the family that they took time out of their busy life to pay respects not only to the deceased, but to the family as well.

I'm with you on that. Tons of people come out of the woodwork....probably 75% haven't even seen or talked to the decedent for decades.

What Laeh said....

With the additional thought that sometimes what people mourn is not a person they knew but a lost chance to know him....

Funerals are not for the dead, they are for the living.

I have gone to funerals because I felt a loss, but mainly to support the family that had the loss. I wanted the family to know I felt for them and their loss.

Good luck to you and yours.

I don't understand why people do this either. But when 4 boys from high school were killed, I felt compelled to go to the memorial at the school our of respect. I also think it might be a comfort to a family to see so many people care.

Since this is a "public" memorial your are correct..."It's none of your business."

If this person was a friend of your's the only thing you should be concentrating on is how you felt about him, and paying last respects to him and his family.

You may need to do a L. soul searching due to the manner in which you seem to be judging others, especially in times of great sorrow when people should be coming together.

Blessings...

There was a woman in my town who used to walk everywhere. We knew her to wave to her. We waved to her every day as she passed our house. She was hit by a car. She touched our lives with that kind wave every day and we will miss seeing her. (The whole town turned out for her funeral because she touched so many lives with a wave, a smile, a laugh...) Just because I didn't "know" her doesn't mean she didn't touch my life. You are pretty judgmental in your opinions... Maybe your friend touched those people in ways you'll never know. So really - it's none of your business, but maybe you should stop and think before you judge...

LBC

I just went through the same thing - a high school friend was killed in a car accident a couple of weeks ago. I haven't spoken to him since high school (15 years ago) and wasn't even Facebook friends with him. The funeral was being held one mile from my house.

I debated a lot over whether or not to go. Despite having no contact with him for 15 years, I was surprisingly bothered by his death. I thought about it almost constantly for the first week or so after I heard about it. I heard that his facebook page was being monitored by a family member, so I requested to be added so that I could post my condolences and a memory. It helped me process and deal with it.

In the end, I decided not to attend the funeral. I would have felt awkward given the lack of contact I'd had in recent years. However, after hearing from many people in my same situation who did attend, there is a part of me that wishes I had gone. It sounds like it was an amazing tribute to his life and, given that I did have many fond memories of him and we were friends back in high school, I keep thinking that it would have been nice to see who had become.

So I don't think you should be bothered by people from the past who decide to come. It's their way of coping, of dealing with a tragedy that may have affected them more than they expected, and/or of supporting the friends and family that are deeply mourning the loss.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. I hope that the funeral helps you to heal as you remember the many good times you shared and the wonderful person that he was.

Die young and your funeral will be large. Die very old and your funeral will be small.
When my nephew died a girl who he had never dated came to the house several times. One day my brother found her at the cemetery weeping over his grave. He got her to her feet and told her to go make a life and never to come back to the grave.
Do not pay attention to all the nonsense on Facebook. Many things people post are without any merit whatsoever.
Your friend who died was you friend. You are going to honor his memory. No need to be concerned about hangers on. You know what is in your heart.

Some people have a connection you dont know about. Some people are touched by life happenings in a different way. And some people are jealous of what importance other people held in someone elses life.
Way back when I was about 20 I went to a friends service, thinking I was a good friend and others would have sympathy for me in the loss of a good friend. I wasnt treated special or given a seat up front or anything befitting a good friend. (I hadnt really expected it either), But there were many others who were treated more "gently" and it was obvious they held some significant position in the life of "my" friend. I know being a young stupid thing I was somewhat jealous. Turned out he had many much closer friends than I had been. I didnt know him near as well as many many others. It was a bit humbling to realize how small my friendship had been and taught me a good lesson. I am much closer with my friends now and think nothing of the other friendships they have outside of mine. People can have many different levels of friends and you may not be aware of them.

In my opinion, the thing about death is that it makes us think of our own mortality.
I have suffered many losses. My daughter's father was interred just today.

Who is to say what makes a loss personal?
I drive to work and home the same stretch every single day and I was devastated to hear of two young men killed heading in my direction home one evening just 20 minutes after I had passed that very spot. It was big news. Now, I didn't attend the services and I didn't blog anything or post in the newspaper articles, but I still see the blue X on the tree they smashed into. I still see where the ground off the road was torn up not only from the crash, but from the rescue and recovery vehicles.
I didn't know either of them, but I have cried when I pass that spot going to and from work since then. I think about the lives lost in an instant, the families impacted, and the hundreds of cars that go by without even realizing that's where lives ended. I think about how it could have been me or one of my loved ones.
I mourn them every day I drive by and I didn't even know them.

I have attended services for people I haven't seen in years or didn't really know, but I knew their parents or other family members. It's not for "show", it's a way of paying respect for the family.

I think you should try to change your mind about how you are seeing this. If people that didn't "know" this person are this affected by his death in a drunk driving accident, maybe it will make them think twice about driving while intoxicated. Maybe it will make them see how precious life is.
Maybe they need to express a sudden understanding of the fragility of life.

I'm so sorry you lost a friend under such tragic circumstances. I'm sorry for his family.
His family might be comforted by the outpouring of support regardless of how you feel it's intended.

People attend candle light vigils and memorial services for people they didn't personally know all the time.
It's just a sign that someone has affected many lives.
That doesn't have to be interpreted as a bad thing.

Just my opinion and no offense intended.

Best wishes.

It's always shocking when someone young dies violently. It hurts everyone, even those who didn't know the person. Their youth connects them somehow. And the fact that some of these people know other people who knew him, or they knew him just enough to be touched by him in some way, does not diminish their grief. No one's grief is more important than another except that of his immediate family.

Assigning motives to other peoples' displays of grief doesn't serve any purpose and won't accomplish a single thing even if you're right about some of them. Let it go and focus on what's actually important. Someone could even say the same thing about you here that you're accusing these other people about because we don't have anything other than your word that you were friends with him. See?

I'm sorry for your loss.

You are using your judgement of these girls to assume they are going for the wrong reasons. Death has a way of changing how even the most egotistical person think about life, so I would suggest you not get so worked up about it and go pay your last respects for you. Let them attend, get resolution and mourn the way they want to. I believe a funeral is the LAST place people go for attention, maybe a wedding, but really... what would they gain from that? If the entire community is going then why shouldn't they?

K.,

I am experiencing that first hand. And closer than just passing aquaintences. Death brings out feelings and actions that run the gamut in people. The best and the worst. And you have to just stand back with wonder the way it affects different people.

Just go to the service with the thought that your friend might have - and probably did - touch these people's lives in some way. Ways you may not be able to put your finger on. Connections were made because he was such a wonderful person. Take comfort in that. And hold your own connection dear to you, don't try to measure it with anyone elses.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

A lot of times you don't know it but they are supporting friends that were closer to the person that died. My ex's family owns funeral homes. For every one person you see there crying who knew the person, there are three or four friends rubbing their back, hugging and just doing what ever comes to their minds to support them. Most don't know the "right" was to support them or even their own place in the loss.

I know it all looks a bit odd from the outside but you have to accept you are in the outside of the dynamic. Just as I could look at your post and get the feeling you think they diminish your sense that you are a more important and real mourner than they are. I mean I am sure you don't actually think you have a greater right to mourn than them but to the outsider that is how your post looks.

in your grief, please do not judge others. You are not your friend, you have no idea whether or not he had personal contact with some of the FB friends...you may think you know them, but until you've stood in your friend's footprints 24/7 - you don't.

That said, yes, some people come out of the woodwork....at the wrong time. It's not up to us to judge them. Our only responsibility in life is to do what is right for us.....& in your case, kudos to you for attending the public memorial.

I wish you Peace & Fortitude in this time of loss.

there will always be people who feed off the energy of emotional events. sometimes this is selfish, sometimes it's a pretty natural reaction, a sort of mass empathy. a few of these folks are probably total fakes, just wanting to be seen as sweet and sympathetic and hoping to get some virtual hugs for themselves, but i'll bet most of them have been shaken in some way by the untimely death of this young man. as several folks have pointed out, this sort of thing tends to jolt people who are still in the 'invulnerable' phase of life into realizing their own mortality.
i suspect your own grief is making you a L. sensitive. this too is natural. my sympathy to you and to your friend's family and true friends.
may his crossing be gentle, and his reunion joyous.
khairete
S.

Death effects people strongly. There is a verse in Ecclesiastes that says it is better to be in a house of mourning than in a house of feasting. I believe this is because we really take stock of our own lives, consider the things that are truly important, and hopefully consider what will happen to us after we die. It brings a sobermindedness to our lives that otherwise is often missed in the busy-ness and joy of life. Don't think too much about what others are thinking or doing. We really don't know what is going on in their hearts and minds.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. So sad.

I think people are affected in different ways. For some, it's not just that there's a loss, but it brings up feelings of your own mortality. When my DH's friend of 20+ years died, I wasn't as close to the friend, but I still felt his loss deeply. People can mourn public figures (and if your friend was well-known, it can kind of be that category) even if they didn't know him/her as much as close friends or family. I would let them have their grief and you have yours. As long as they are going to show respect to the departed and his family, don't worry about why you think they're there. It can also be enlightening to really see how your loved one impacted his or her community in ways you never realized. I didn't know my own uncle was a tenor til his funeral.

When a young friend, the daughter of my 6th grade math teacher, lost her battle with lymphoma, it hit everyone very hard. Not everyone was superclose to her, but we had done fundraisers, and videos and blood drives....everyone felt a part of her life and her struggle. When I went to the funeral, I went first for my friend who had been a close friend of the girl who died, and then I went for the teacher who I had admired and then I went for myself. It was huge in my young life and affected me tremendously.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your friend. I hope that the days and weeks ahead bring you closure and peace.

everyone deals with any death in their own way. let others deal with a death their way and you go about your way. don't let other affect you....me personally don't cry much at funerals....other cry alot!!! does is bother me...no!!! just know in your heart that he was a friend to you and you to him and that's all that matters!!!

I am so sorry about your friend. What a horrible tragedy.

I know it's hard, but try not to pass judgement on others even if their grief is feigned. Whatever they are feeling or not feeling has no relation to what you are feeling.

In my opinion, you are angry with your friend for dying and instead of being angry with him, you are directing that anger towards these attention seekers. It's okay to be mad at someone for dying. I was mad a my dad for years (he died when I was 7).

Again, I am very sorry for your loss.

I see this at the time that a person committs suicide and it bothers me just the same. But I really like and agree with what Dawn said below.

My daughters friend took his own life a couple years ago. She had dated him for 9 months when they were 15/16. It's a young age and a very confusing time. They feel so deeply. When it ends, they are devastated. This boy was distant from his father, that is when they were not fighting. Then he got into drugs. He had a temper and was in trouble for fighting sometimes. I don't believe he had any real close friends. But when he died, his facebook page was filled with hundreds of people going on there saying how missed he would be. If these people knew him the way they made it seem, cared about him that much, then why was he so alone and why did he do what he did?

I didn't go to his funeral. My daughter did. She said that it was standing room only and nearly everyone that ever even knew of him was there.

I'm sorry for your friend. It was way too soon.

Everyone is different and you and I cannot say what these people really feel. If we are judging them aren't we kind of doing something similar?
I do know this, no matter what the reason people attend a funeral, the family very much appreciates it and it is cathartic to know that someone took time off of whatever it was they were doing to go to the funeral. To me I have both taken work off for funerals of people I don't know very well and appreciated people who came to funerals of family members or friends. It is selfish of you or I to think that they are coming for the attention. What sort of attention are they getting from going to a funeral? If you love your friend, share in the fact that so many people were touched in their lives in some way. Even if it is to just wake them up now and see how precious life is.

There are certain types of people that feed off of attention & will make it all about them. It's unfortunate, but you can't control them. I'd like to think that the people you are referring to are not like that. You didn't know all of his friends, and who he had special relationships with, so I think you're wasting your energy getting upset about it. Just be happy that there will be so many people there to commemorate him. I would let it go & focus on your friend. It's not good for you to obsess over something like this.

I've had a lot of death in my life... and it ticks me off, too.

The only way I keep my own peace, in my own mind, is this:

Yes, the family and dear friends know that half or more of those people are self absorbed charletons (while many others come fore themselves, for true, they aren't the ones weeping and wailing and cutting in front of the mother/brother/sister/etc. because they have no idea who they are... these are people that didn't know them well, but cared. They don't cause a scene or 12 and vanish off surrounded by the imaginary paparazi. Sorry. Too many funerals.). ANYHOW... while the family and dear friends know the "crowd" will be leeching off the death of their loved one...

How much sadder it would be for they (or I) to be standing alone in an empty room with my child's casket.

Nothing to add- I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry for your loss.

I lost a really really good friend in 2008.. when we were in school (even the 2 years post-graduation) we were really close but 2007 I didn't see him hardly at all and we just fell out of touch. He was killed in an accident (he was the drunk driver) I was crushed, yet I felt so hypocritical telling people how sad I was and felt so guilty I didn't keep in touch.. I know that's what happens to friends, and I was really self aware so I get what you're saying about people using it for attention. It's one thing to be respectful and say "I wasn't really close with xxxx, but I know he was an awesome person and it makes me so sad he was taken too soon" I think that's way more appropriate than pretending they were best friends..

Dealing with death and loss effects us all differently.

I can see how and have known some people who need to be in the spotlight. So this does not surprise me that you have come across some people who feel the need to be included in this situation. It is sad. If it was someone that I knew well, it would be upsetting to me as well.

My only advice to you is: Recognize how sad and pathetic these people are...and then do not give it any more thought.

Sorry for your loss.