My dad lives (lived) in Britain. We went to visit in August with my husband and kids and had a wonderful time before we knew he was ill. It was the first time I had seen him in five years. I of course loved him fiercely, but I was a student and couldn't afford to go and visit more frequently. He couldn't afford to visit me. Anyway, he had a massive heart attack in September. I dropped everything and flew over there again as they thought he was going to die in the next few days. I stayed a week. He lived a month. I have been back about two weeks, and the funeral is next week. I feel like I said my goodbyes and I told him I loved him, he never woke up and I'm not sure if he knew I was there or not. To go back twice in a month, ugh. It's soooo far, costs soooo much and I would have to let my work down short notice again. I'm out of holidays so I would have to have unpaid leave. I'm not rolling in cash, but I can afford the ticket, but I'm really torn as to what to do. Any insights?
Unfortunately no benefits with my job. It's a small private office. They would be okay with me going. They would t say anything and would support me. But I am crucial to the running of the business and it's hard to be gone at short notice.
Thank you for the condolences, and advice.
I have a stepmother, she is 53, fairly young, this was my dads second marriage, I love her but she is not frail or anything and I have five siblings there helping out. No house to sell or anything like that. My sister lives with her, she is 26 and a great help.
S., your dad is gone. You went back twice. Everyone knows. You do not have to go back. I'm so sorry for your loss, but SO glad that in August you got to be with him while you both were able to enjoy each other.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad almost 17 years ago and it still hurts today. I agree with Jill K. if you said your goodbyes and feel like you have closure, there is no need to take on the extra expense and go to the funeral. You dad knows you were there. Hugs to you at this very difficult time.
I'm very sorry for the loss of your dad. You said your goodbyes and if you believe in heaven you can talk to your dad no matter where you are. In my opinion, you were there for him when it mattered. Don't beat yourself up if you decide not to go to the actual funeral. As a parent myself, I would tell my child in this situation to stay at home and be with their family.
Sorry for the loss of your dad. I'm glad you had a great visit with him in August.
My thoughts are that this funeral might be the only chance you have for visiting or getting reacquainted with other relatives - cousins, aunts, uncles, etc, who live in Great Britain and whom you might not see otherwise. If you think the funeral will be attended by relatives you'd like to meet or see again, that might be a reason to go.
Do you have siblings, or is your mom still alive? They might need the emotional support that your being there would bring.
Will there be decisions to make regarding property or your dad's belongings? If your family lives in the UK, it might be easier to make decisions in person, when you're together face-to-face.
If none of those situations is a consideration, then I think you can put your mind at ease. You visited him when he was well, and then when he had his heart attack, and you loved him and he loved you. And that is a rare treasure.
funerals are for the living, and you were fortunate enough to have said goodbye and done all the necessary farewell stuff. don't feel guilty about not going back. it's a tough situation.
i'm very sorry for your loss.
khairete
S.
Funerals are for the living. If you feel like you've said your goodbyes and have closure, there is no need for you to go.
I'm sorry that your dad has died.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Don't feel you have to go for him. As you said, you said your goodbyes. If you are looking for permission to not go, you have it IMO. But if you need to go to get closure, that is also understandable. If you will always regret it if you stay home, then go.
No, you don't have to go to the funeral if you don't want to. Funerals are for the living, and since you are alive, it's your choice.
My mother's memorial is next month, and it's in another country, and I'm not going. I visited her five times while she was dying, and that was the crucial time to visit, imo. I was there while it was important for me to do so, but now she's gone. I feel absolutely no guilt that I will not be at her memorial. I have other things that need attending to.
I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you are comforted by the fact that you got to see him and say what you needed to say. I'm sure it was helpful for him to have you there.
Funerals are not for the deceased person. They are for the family and close friends. (That's why I hate it when people dictate that they don't want a funeral - because it's not for them! It seems a shame to take away a farewell that may be helpful and comforting to those who are left.)
So I don't think you have to go to prove anything to anyone. If you said your goodbyes and you saw some key people when you were there, if there is no other purpose to be served by you going back, then I don't think you should guilt-trip yourself into going. When you were there, it was with the knowledge that his days were limited. You sound like you used the time wisely, to speak to him and share whatever feelings and memories you wanted to. So if going back would be a huge hardship for the living (you and your family here), and if it wouldn't give you additional comfort, it's really okay to stay home.
I think you have to ask yourself the question -how will I feel later if I don't go?
You did see him when he was alive and he knows you love him. But if you need the closure you should go. Whatever decision you make, make it and don't look back if you can. It often only brings grief. So sorry for your loss.
I agree with the other moms - you visited in August, and that was by far more special than attending his funeral - and will be a fond memory for you to cherish. My parents' parents were from Europe, and they (like you) spent time before they passed, and did not go for the funerals.
To me, from your post, it sounds like it would be very difficult to go and that you are leaning towards not going. Sometimes we just feel we ought to or guilt gets to us - but I don't think you need to feel that way. We haven't been able to attend funerals before due to circumstance - people understand.
I'm very sorry for your loss. Glad you got to spend time with him and your kids did also.
I wouldn't go. You saw him right before he passed and I'm sure he was happy you did that. You don't need to feel obligated, ever, to do anything. My mom has NEVER gone to a funeral. Even her parents and only brothers. She just doesn't. We all have opinions about what everyone else does or doesn't do but don't worry about what people will think. Maybe only if you hadn't gone to see him at all but even then, it's not their concern. Good luck.
I speak from experience when I say,funerals are for the living..... not the dead... what's most important is how you treated someone when they were alive, and it sounds to me that not only did you treat your dad kindly but loved him dearly. When my mother, who only raised me until I was nine, died from cardiovascular disease and other problems as a result of smoking and drinking, I couldn't afford to throw her a big funeral, in fact, the cremation and cemetery space was already expensive enough for me at the time. However, I also knew in my heart that when she was alive, I treated her kindly and would often forgo things so that instead I could buy her a gift or something. Do I ever feel guilty for not attending or having a ceremony for her, NO I do not... again, it all comes back to how you treat someone when they are alive..
you did your dad well, he knew it, right? whatever you decide to do, allow yourself to try and do it for reasons other than guilt or fearing how others will see you should you not attend... you said said that you already said your goodbyes... then that is good enough..
This is a tough one emotionally. Society says "GO TO THE FUNERAL", when reality says it's not cost or time effective.
I think if you feel your last visit was cool with you and your dad, leave it at that. He's gone. He wont know you are there. Society places a huge burden on us with death celebrations and such. I dont let it get to me, it's barbaric to force people to spend a lot of money on services, caskets, even cremations have gone up dramatically.
Rest peacefully knowing your dad has passed on to the next dimension that we are all curious about.
Dont let societal rules stress you out.
I think you are fine not going especially due to the fact that its a LONG ways a way. Donate to something your dad may have been passionate about in his name.... and put yourself at ease.
I find it interesting that so many other responders think that the "funerals are for the living" wisdom means that you're OK and you said your good-byes, so don't go.
To me, it would depend on whether or not your mother (assuming she is alive and they were together), or any siblings, if you have them, will need and expect your support. Funerals are draining. I can say with certainty that when either one of my parents passes, the other will very much need all of us to drop everything and get there to help them through the process. So I think that's an important piece - does the rest of your immediate family need and expect you there? If so, then go. Yes, funerals are for the living - and if the living includes an aging mother or other grieving siblings, then you be there to mourn with them if you can. Of course if they've all said "you were just here, it would be crazy for you to come back, we're fine, save your money and time off and come back over in a few months when you can really be of some help with X, Y & Z" then that's another story and of course you could do that instead. There may be things with settling the estate or cleaning out a house that they could use your help with later instead of going now, so ask.
I'm sorry for your loss and hope you are able to make a decision that works for you and your immediate family.
No, you do not need to go (unless you feel you need to go for your own healing). Traveling is very stressful and you have been through a lot.
I honestly think people need to be catering to YOUR needs. For example, coming to visit you and help you since you are in morning.
I'm sorry for your loss! May your father's memory be eternal!
I would NOT go. People that don't understand that? That's on them. You have said your good-byes.
My mom died 2 years ago in September. I was able to be there to care for her the week before she died and was able to stay and take care of my dad, along with my brother and sister. We had a memorial for her 2 weeks after she died. That was for US - we got to see just how many people cared for her and how many lives my mom affected. I think you might have seen this in your last few visits with your dad.
I'm truly sorry for your loss!! I personally don't feel that you need to go. The decision is yours though. Call the airlines - they might be able to give you a discount on the airfare if you are feeling the pull to be there.
You said your goodbyes when you visited with your dad.took away happy memories so let those memories be what you remember.
Your mother is a step-mom and you have other siblings there to take care of the family matters so let them. Traveling has your budget stretched thin would put you in a financial hole. Dad would not want you to do this just for appearance sake.
I am sorry for your loss. My dad has been one many many years now and I recall his face every so often. Chin up, this will pass in time but only you will know when it is over.
the other S.
I also don't think you should go.
I did not attend my father's funeral. It's been just over a year, and I have no regrets.
The last few months of his life we had wonderful, meaningful conversations.
We expressed our love and regrets. I taped these so that I can always remember these precious last conversations.
After that I felt no need to say good bye again.
My husband and children also got to say good bye.
Instead of attending the funeral, we made a day trip of showing my kids his hometown...where he was raised...where he hungout....the neighborhood he knew at their age. Then we went to my hometown where he started his family...raised his family...bought his first house....and created so many memories of my childhood...then visited his final resting place, and ended the day eating at his favorite restaurant.
It was such a great day of remembering and honoring him. We felt so close to him that day. This worked better for us.
You should have bereavement leave. Most companies that offer benefits have it listed. I'd go if at all possible. What does your mom say? Other family?
So sorry for your loss.
Will you sorely regret not going for the rest of your life? If so, then go.
Will your siblings be very upset if you don't go? What is the overall consensus. Are they telling you to stay put?
I'd think hard about what you and your family want / need in this. If you are ok and they are fine without your support there, then stay home. Just no regrets.
