My boyfriend of several years asked me to marry him last year in April when I was 3 months pregnant. Up to last summer, we maintained separate homes, and of course due to several reasons (being engaged, being pregnant and in love), my children (from a previous relationship)and I moved in with him. We had made tentative plans on a wedding date, to wait a year, for this spring in April. Since then he is not interested in making plans for a wedding. When I bring up the subject he walks away, says he doesn't want to talk about it or changes the subject. Obviously, no wedding has been planned. Our daughter is now 6 months old, and in a way I feel that the only reasons he asked me to marry him and to move in with him was because it was the proper thing to do, because I was pregnant and for financial reasons. He isn't affectionate at all and I basically have to beg him for affection and attention. I don't feel like a fiancee, nor a lover, nor a friend, only a housemate/maid/cook/etc. He makes plans without me, doesn't tell me until he is ready to go and does so many things without me or my children. And when I want to do something with him he tells me he doesn't have the time or the money or that he has other things to do. I have tried to talk to him about our relationship, ways to make it better or even to go to counseling, but it always ends up in an argument and I get the blame for starting every single one and I always end up apologizing. My cousin, who is also my best friend, has pointed out to me that when he says "jump" I have to say "how high" and when I question it he gets manipulative and makes me feel guilty. I don't know if I want to remain in a relationship based on little affection, little love being shown on his part and for financial reasons all for the sake of having a child together. I know there is more to relationships, and I am becoming more and more unhappy the longer I stay with him. I do love him very much, and after being in several bad relationships, I thought he was the best thing to come along since sliced bread. He tells me he loves me and that he does want to be with me. I am becoming increasingly doubtful of our relationship and his love towards me and I don't know if I should stick with it and be hopeful that things will get better or if I should make that break and leave.
Thanks for all the words of encouragement and advice. I have to do some planning, find a job, save money, and maybe go back to school, etc. I know it will be hard. Especially since a few years ago, I had surgery on my back which ended my career as a medic. Now I am limited to what I can do due to restrictions placed on me by the neurosurgeon and with minimal job skills or education. I know now that being in a one-sided relationship isn't the way to go, and it is not healthy for my children to witness this. I am doing my resume and I have a friend that will watch my daughter if needed. I am also going to contact VVCC and maybe take a class or two this summer. I know it will take some time, and hopefully I will have the strength to move forward for my childrens sake as well as my own.
hello jamice,
Well i just want to reinforce Melisa's avice.
she said it all.
Good Luck,
josie
ps. what it is obvius it doesnt need glases something like that i dont remember the exact words.
Honey, sounds like you need to just cut and go. You have to protect your kids from seeing you in another bad relationship. Keep in mind that every relationship your teenagers see you in, teaches them what to look for in a "good relationship" cause in their eyes (even if they don't act like it) mom still does no wrong. I too have a teenager who acts like everything I do is wrong, but I know that he still looks up to me and he still takes things I do as golden.
I was in a bad marriage with my 3 kids' father for 13 years. Finally I saw his behaviors as manipulative and emotionally and sometimes minorly physically abusive. I am in no way suggesting your relationship is abusive, cause I don't know anything about it, but am telling you that some of the things you say are what I did for 13 long years. I jumped through hoops to make him happy, I dedicated myself to him, I asked how high every single day when he demanded I jump... I walked on eggshells cause I didn't know when the next fight would begin (and it was ALWAYS my fault too!)
Honey, I'd protect yourself (emotionally) and teach your kids that being with someone isn't as important as being true to yourself and what you KNOW is right... sounds like you already made your choice, but needed some little shoves in that direction... Feel free to write me personally if you wish...
Make plans to leave. Have things set in place. Because if you tell him you are going to leave if things don't change, and then don't have it all planned out and ready to go, he won't take you serious. Moving out doesn't mean you love him less. Moving out would be the most loving thing to do for him, for yourself, and for the children. Even if he loves you, he's lacking what it takes for a marriage to work. Let him know that just because you are moving out doesn't mean you don't love him and that you still want to marry him. But be prepared for it just to be you and your children. Give yourself time. Don't date anyone else for a year or two. He might come around. And if he doesn't, you'll have had that time for yourself and your children so that you'll be prepared for the next relationship.
I can tell you what I live by...
Don't ever be in a relationship you don't want your children in, because they will follow in your foot steps. Get what you deserve I know it sounds bad but just cause you had a child with someone doesn't mean you have to stay together, as long as you co parent effectivly and try to maintain a civil relationship that puts the child first you will be fine.
You said that you were in several bad relationships so he seemed great, maybe it is because you haven't experienced a healthy relationship, you deserve to recieve not only what you give but what you want out of a realationship
I don't say this lightly because I know it comes with a huge burden but I think you should leave. You've made very valid points as to why. I didn't hear you make any valid points to stay. You love him is the only one. But why do you love him? Is he "lovable"? Does he treat you like you should be treated, need to be treated? And why would you consider it okay to stay?
Right now, he isn't lifting a finger to talk about a wedding because he has his cake and he is definitely eating it to...as they say. He has a wife, a homemaker, a mother of his child, his free time, no obligation, he doesn't have to admit he is wrong....unfortunatly you've taught him how to treat you and only you can break that pattern.
I'm sorry this is a hard time for you. But keep in mind your daughter who is 15...she is learning right now from you what a relationship looks like. If in 10 years she ended up with this kind of Mr. Wrong, wouldn't you be screaming..."run baby girl, run! Find a guy who will name the stars after you. Find yourself."
My grandmother always told me "never settle." Those words stuck with me as a teen into my adult life. I always took an assessment of who I was dating and took the time to write down whether I was settling...my last boyfriend right before my husband...I wrote: If I end up marrying him, I know I'm settling but if Mr. Right comes along on his white horse to rescue me...I'm so out of here!" I found that letter just as I met my husband for the first time. I ran baby, I ran.
Don't settle girlfriend. You are valuable. You are a daughter of the King most high. Your worth is far above rubies. You...are magnificent. Don't marry into a relationship where this life you are living now, will be your normal everyday life. If he doesn't respect you now, marriage and time won't fix it.
Once you leave, it's possible he will promise to marry you to get you back. You have to decided if you want to marry and live this way. Because once he's caught you, he seems to think he still doesn't have to pursue you to keep your heart. Can you handle not being pursued and cherished "til dealth do you part?"
I wish you the best.
Hi Jamice!
It sounds like you know what you need to do. Love is a verb. You need to see this guy demonstrate love to you. My concern is that you moved in with him and now there is no pressure for him to do anything especially marry you. Why does he need to marry you if he gets all the benefits of marriage. There is an old saying, " why does he need to buy the cow when he can get the milk for free".... I hope you make the right decision. This is going to be hard, but what is wrong with hard?
Peace!
A. B
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I would tell your boyfriend that you two need to sit down and have a serious talk, then tell him point blank what you are feeling and that you are hurting inside and thinking of leaving the realationship. How he reacts should tell you if you should stay or go. Again, I am sorry you are hurting *hugs*
been there done that. look it takes two to make a relationship going and it sounds like you are the only one trying. girl that has to be exhausting. being a mom is exhausting enough. i would say to take some time and really think on this. i know what its like its scary especially when you have kids but i was left two days before christmas with two toddlers and just after being homeless. i'm surviving, and making my way. while things are tough right now, you will be amazed at how much you grow from your struggles. its not always about the love of the other person its about the love that you show that you have for your self and children and that they see mommy being treated right. take your time think about it and remmember its better to be alone than badly accompanied
signed,
someone who's gone through it. C. nabarette
Jamice,
At no time in your life should you feel it's ok to say "How High". A relationship has to be 100% on each side. Not 50/50 not 60/40. If you are not getting what you are giving and he is not willing to see your side, then it will only get worse as you go along. Marriage makes it harder not easier.
My husband and I have been together for over 13 years. I love him with everything I have but there was I time when I was ready to kick him to the curb. He could never be wrong and I could not talk to him about anything because it would always become a fight. What it came down to was that he was so stressed out about is job and his mother’s negative ways, that it consumed him. It had nothing to do with me or my son all though we were the ones that were getting hit with the anger.
Just something to think about. Don't try to read his mind and don't but words into his mouth. He will fight you every time. But, if he doesn’t want to talk it out with you (not argue) then there is not much you can do and you have to now make a choice.
Outside help is the best way to get though something like this. Let him know how you feel and tell him that you are not willing to go on like this. He is forcing you away with his words and actions. Keep your voice calm. He is starts to yell, walk away and tell him that when he is ready to be calm then you will come back. Also, stop bending over backwards for him. He is not doing it for you. Take time out for yourself. Don't depend on him for his time. Make your own. Find a sitter and go out with your friends. He is not going to like it. Just let him know that if it's good for him it's good for you.
DO NOT walk out or threaten to walk out unless you are ready to follow though. Be prepared for worse case scenario if you give the ultimatum.
Good Luck My Dear,
L. C
Personal Nutritionist
www.herbalmom.com
Judge a man by his ACTIONS/BEHAVIOR not his WORDS. A man can tell you all day long he loves you, but if he treats you badly by ignoring you, not making plans/goals w/you, manipulatin you, etc...that's not love. Seems like men sometimes continue to say they love you out of guilt or fear of the unknown (w/out you in the picture). Sounds like he's confused and doesn't know how to handle how to tell you he doesnt' want to be w/you b/c he sure is working hard to avoid you it seems and not discuss marriage, etc. If a man really wants to marry you he will make the time to talk to you about it and not make it seem like your fault for bringing it up. I hope I don't sound too harsh, but just don't want you to waste your time w/a guy that apparently doesn't value like you should be valued. IF he wants you in his life he will do whatever he has to to keep you there. I've been in your shoes and had to learn the hardway and I hope you learn quicker than I did that you desever to be respected and well cared for. Good luck!
Dear Jamice,
Goooooo and fast. You have a wonderful career that you can return to, and you don't need anymore of this, neither do you children..
I'm not kidding, men do not have a right to treat their loved ones this way. When are they going to learn? We don't know, but don't hold your breath ! Think of your children, and by the way this is not a rehearsal, it is the real thing. Pull up your drawers and skeedaddle. I waited for 29 years and 6 months to do it. Wayyyy too long.
Sincerely, C. N.
first,thats awesome that you dont have to work and even though taking care of your household is hard... try to get a life of your own..meaning go out with your friends, join a class, start knitting or running or going to the gym..be completely emotionally self sufficient..while you dont have to pay rent and while your child is young..enrich your life spend time with your teenagers, make them babysit!..then one of two things will happen..either he will start loving and appreciated the new you and your relationship will get better or he will be controlling and jealous..if you cant work out the controlling and jealous and selfish behavior..then leave him! but by that time your teens will be a little older and your infant will be ready for daycare so you can get back to work and start your new life!
I have had some rough times lately in my relationship of 13 years. I also worked in emergency medicine and am now a stay at home mother of 3. I have been so busy taking care of my husband and family that I forgot to take care of myself. I made a goal list that I read everyday, exercise, eat right and have finally began to take care of my needs first. You really have to love yourself. I also believe that we teach people how to treat us. You deserve a happy, loving relationship. There is nothing wrong with having that. If your partner isn't willing to give you that, then you need to let him go, take care of yourself and your children and give someone else a chance to give you what you need. I am reading a book called "The Gift of Change" by Marianne Williamson. It has literally changed my life. Everything that was going wrong has turned around. It might help you too.
Jamice,
His actions speak louder than words. He dosent want you in his home except to be his maid, cook and clean for him. He is spending time outside the home without you and the children are you sure its just with friends or "friends"? There's a big difference. He has money to spend when out with his friends/"friends" but not on his family. I wouldnt doubt it if it is on other women. A real man comes home to his family after work and wants to spend quality time with them. Take them places and enjoy everyday with them. It seems he is trying to drive you away and doesnt want to be man enough to talk about the situation. I would take the hint and get your children out of that situation.
it may be hard to do, but you need to sit him down. tell him that if he wont talk with you, than you will consider that an obvious anwser to the questions you need to ask. he obviously doesnt want to be in that relationship. i know that maybe hard to face. but you need to do the right and healthy thing for you and your kids. good luck!
