Marriage at 40 - Bellflower,CA

Updated on February 20, 2009
S.Q. asks from Bellflower, CA
5 answers

Hi mamasource moms! My "fiance" (who i truly love)55 years old and i(40)have been living together 3 1/2 years now and known each other 5. When we first moved in together we had both his grown kids staying with us, and i had alot of problems with them because they were there at our place coming in and out not paying rent having different women sleeping over, smoking weed. At the time i was always mad, stressed out and wanted them to go. So there was alot of friction between us. O.K. so finally they both moved out and left on bad terms, now it's been a couple of months maybe a year since they have moved out. They are both doing better for themselves; one lives on his own and just bought a new car. The other one had a breakdown and was admitted to a mental hospital, got therapy and now is receiving SSI and is becoming indipendent. Now the 3rd child, a girl, 32 woman, lives with her mom, never been indepedent with a 8 year old son. This Valentine my Fiance gave me flowers and a very expensive purse $$$$$$, i was very happy and touched, but later i said to him, "i don't wanna seem ungrateful but i was really expecting a nice ring". He said that i already had a ring, but i said it's not an official ring. He said the reason he doesn't wanna marry me is because me and his kids cant get along. I said your kids are all grown and don't need the attention you alway's give them on a daily basis. The 32 year old doughter just asked her dad to co-sign to buy her house, prior to that she paid and finished a private colledge with his and her moms money, maybe even lived with mom rent free. She also expected her parents to pay for her son's (8 year old) private school for a couple of years so they did. My thing is that these "kids" are grown and are being treated as actual kids! He say's that i don't like them and that he would never marry anyone who would use marriage as a way to make our realationship better. I feel he chooses his kids over me on a daily basis, he say's he loves me but he will not marry so i can than ask for devorce later. I'm really upset/hurt over this whole family thing. I feel that i work 2 jobs and now that i'm gone on the weekends my fiance is at his grandson's basketball games with his ex-wife and doughter attending too. On Sunday he spends time with his 28 year old at church, picks him up and everything. The doughter calls dad on a daliy basis, to either ask him to babysit, take grandson to practice or special favors...I love this man so much, he is good to me, he pays for most of the bills, gives me gifts..... I can't deal with his family on a daily bassis like he does. We have a house together and in a sense am stuck, we'd have to sell it, still this will take time...... thank you, please advice

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D.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi S.,
It sounds like you already know the answer. In your post, you say "he doesn't wanna marry me is because me and his kids cant get along" and "he would never marry anyone who would use marriage as a way to make our realationship better. I feel he chooses his kids over me on a daily basis, he say's he loves me but he will not marry so i can than ask for devorce later." He doesn't want to marry you.

You two also have different perspectives on the children. You're pushing to make them more independent, and he's happy enabling them.

You either have to accept the way your relationship is right now, or you've got to let him go. You're not going to change him and he doesn't want to change.

Sorry, I know that's tough to hear, but his actions are telling you he doesn't want to marry you.

Good luck to you.

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A.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

I started reading your posting and then found myself going back to the beginning, didn't she say "fiance?" He is not your fiance and you should not refer to him as such for your own sake. It shows to me that you are not being honest with yourself. He made it pretty clear he has no intentions of marrying you, so accept that and decide what is next. You are not stuck. You can sell the house or he can buy you out. Don't use the house as an excuse to stay in a dead end relationship. He is not going to stop seeing or supporting his family. He sounds like a very generous man. You mention the money he spends on you. If you took that aspect away would he still be as attractive to you? I know that sounds harsh, but please take a hard look at what you love about this man and what aspects about this relationship you can not deal with long term. Weigh it out. Are you going to be happy in another 5 years when you are still not married? Something is seriously wrong with this picture.

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T.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

I hope you asked this before you moved in with him, if he made it clear about not marrying you , then you knew before hand, on the flip side of it, if he talked about getting married before you bought the house together, then changed his mind, I say you no longer have anything in commom, he does not place you first, well you never will be.. to me he sounds selfish, but if you allow this then he doesn't have to change, why doesn't he spend time with you , on the weekends.. was it your fault the kids left in bad terms, did you kick them out, if you said no they can not live at your house does this mean they can't or does he let them move in no matter how you fee. What he does with his money is his business just like its your business with your money.. your young, if it were me and I wanted to marry I would not waste another minute with this man, ask him to buy you out of the house or put it up for sell.

P>S he is not your fiance, which means the promise to marry, he is now your live in partner... a boyfriend.. which sounds so immature for his age

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J.R.

answers from Los Angeles on

Pay attention to what your man is telling you. he said NO. Hear him. Yes you want him to change the way he thinks, acts and feels about his kids. Well he is 50+ years old. Not likely to happen. If you argue him into new actions/habit about them it is only the 1st battle. You will have other things you want/need him to do different. It probably won't be as harmonious AS HE WANTS TO LIVE.
He said he won't marry you because he doesn't want to lose in divorce($$). He knows what that is like already.He said the "D"word. He believes it.Why are you continuing to WIN what you want.

Don't you both deserve to be happy. Sad you have invested time and emotion in this relationship but the signs were there to see. I suggest you be happy somewhere else. S. we love who we love and are heart can be happy several places. Love yourself. You could see a therapist to change how you deal with this situation or get another situation.
remember he is not questing to change. You are requesting him to change. ...... I don't think your wrong to feel how you do about his children. I think you are fighting a battle with him that should not be fought.

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L.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

Get out of the house and relationship ASAP. You have given up too much of the fertile part of your life in this non-productive relationship. Though his kids may be losers, they are "his" losers. The love of a parent to his child is something a step-parent rarely feels. He knows you don't feel it and because of this he can't marry you. Move on.

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