I have met a wonderful guy that also has agreat family. We have been together for 3 years and are getting married in July 07. The problem I am dealing with is I have a daughter and a son. My daughter is 9.5 and had been saying that she doesn't want to move. She does not know if she will make new friends in the new school and too that she feels like she doesn't even know Danny my fiancee? He does live 4 hours away but we see eachother for sport activities and there are times he comes to stay a weekend with us to do family things anytime there is a event with the kids and I have them he is there. I know that he is as firm on rules and I. For instance I do not let the kids run over me and set bounderies. I also help them use there allowance twards good things not waisted spending. I feel she is like this because her father is the playtime everyother weekend dad and Danny acts the roll of a real father. Is there any ideas or anyone been her before? She loves Danny and invites him to her activities but I don't know why she is scared to move? I've made it clear that she will still see her real dad and that danny is the new provider and we will be a real family again.
Hi V.!!
So are you and kids moving to where Danny lives at now?
If you are that may be exactly what the problem is. She won't be so close to dad even though she'll still be able to see dad.
I would suggest maybe taking her to visit the area you plan to move to. Maybe instead of him coming to visit you, take your children to visit him. This might give her a chance to make some friends before the move actually happens. Also, asure her that there will be kids her age to play with. I have been in this situation a few times and my kids did just fine. Even though they were scared to move they ended up makeing lots of friends and still get to see some of the old ones too. It is normal for kids to be nervous about moving and not making friends. If you show your kids that you are excited about the new begining (and that is what I have called it each time) they will pick up on the excitment.
Good Luck and congratulations!
Hi V.,
Have you tried taking her to where Danny lives to get to know some of the kids there? If she visits and meets some friends, it will be much easier. If it's only 4 hours away, you could take her there for a weekend. See if Danny knows of any children in his neighborhood or if any of his co-workers have kids. You can't choose who she'll be friends with, but you can help her meet new kids. Does she take any kinds of lessons? (Dancing, karate, gymnastics?) These are great ways to meet people. Have your daughter write down her concerns. When you have some quiet time, sit down with your daughter and discuss each of the things that worry her. If she could make even one friend before she moves, it will be much easier. Has she been to Danny's house? Is she concerned about her room? You have no way of knowing why she's worried until you ask her. I was 9 when my family moved from Boston to Charlotte. All of my relatives and all of my friends were there. The first day, I met the girl across the street and we were best friends for years. We took dancing lessons together, too!!
Good luck!
Hi V.!
Congratulations on getting married. I know from personal experience how hard it is to find the right person again after being divorced, so good for you.
About your daughter. You say that he lives 4 hours away, but you do activities together and he stays the weekends sometimes. Thats great, but that does not show your daughter what its going to be like living with him, and she's scared.Which is normal.
At 9.5, all she knows is that her world is going to be completely different..she's having to move away from her friends, her town, her school; and into a living situation with another adult whom she didnt choose. Of course she's not thrilled. The only thing you can do for that is to try to understand where she's coming from, and reassure her how much you love her, and have your fiancee' do the same thing.
Please remember one thing...the step parent should never be the disciplinarian in the house hold. You should set rules together, explain your rules and expectations to the kids together, but if those rules are broken, the discipline should come from you not him. You are the parent, and he is just the guy you chose to bring into their life. If you leave it up to him to discipline, the kids will resent both of you.
I am telling you this as not only another single mother, but as one of 8 siblings who had step parents on both sides.
It will take time, but if you both are understanding and patient, it will all work out.
Good luck!
I had a new step dad at the age of 9.5 and it was scary to move and leave my school I had been at since kindergarten. I started 5th grade at a new school, and made friends. I would just reassure your daughter and explain that you are all coming together as a family and she will still get to see her dad, even get a calendar just for her and mark the days she will be with her dad. Have her ask any questions that she feels she needs to know about Danny and answer her honestly (as appropriate for her age). I would remind her while Danny is not replacing her father, he will have a say in helping to "look after"/discipline (if you're wanting him to) her and her sibling while you will also be helping with his children. This sets the "par" for what is expected of her and her sibling at the new joined family house. I wish you the best in this new adventure and will pray for your families to join in peace. Also talk to Danny about setting rules and the punishments for each rule break so his children and yours get the same punishments for the "crimes", this way no unfairness. Good Luck and Congrats!!!
dear val, I'm not an expert on getting remarried but I sure am when it comes to moving again.... and again !!!!! my husbands company moved us so often that my son went to 11 different schools even before he hit middles school. you can bet my two children ran the gamet of feelings, "I'm not moving again " I hate you or I'll run away. were just some of the ones we heard. my respose was. when you support the household you can decide where we'll live. we're the adults and thats still so hard to tell are children but yet after all that both my children actually say thank-you for making us move. they learned there are many kinds of people in the world and you adjust.be strong and good luck !! are decissions are not always popular with our children but " they are children !!!"
There are going to be some difficulties, and it is any kids fear of moving and not making new friends and that can be really scary for a kid. Try to reassure her that it will be ok, don't cover the fear, address it. If you are moving, go to her new school before you get married, and maybe try to make some contacts there, maybe even a couple little girls that she can get together with before school starts and will at least know a couple people on the day of school to help show her around and help her get adjusted. also it has nothing to do with your ex or your soon to be new husband, it is just a fear that children and sometimes adults have with new situations. If you think it would be necessary you may want to consider some family counseling, where she can voice her concern and, it would just be a good check to make sure everything is ok. It would probably be a good idea for your future husband to come as well for a couple sessions just so that he is aware of everything going on. It will all work out, but just be aware of everyone's feelings and intervene as necessary.
I have had a similar situation as I too remarried. My son was 13 when we moved in with my husband. He had a hard time adjusting to the situation and eventually choose to live with his dad in Alabama. It was a very difficult time but it eventually worked out. My son and I are very close, and he has excepted my husband, not as his father but as my husband. You need to let your daughter know that she is not loosing her father but gaining a person who loves her mother and will love them as they are apart of you. She is afraid of moving because everything that she knew was safe. She knew her boundaries with you and has not idea how the new situation will turn out. Assure her that she will still be apart of her father's life as she is apart of yours. Since your fiancee hasn't been full time with you and the kids it is going to be quite an adjustment for all of you. You may want to consider family counseling so the transition will run smoothly. Be patient and allow your daughter express her insecurities and reassure her that you love her.
Even if your kids were grown they would still be having those feelings of uncertainty. I was really wary when my mom remaried someone I had only met once. I lived 4 hours away and wasn't able to get up to visit much. They got married after knowing each other less than 9 months, and I hadn't met any of the step-sibs until the wedding day. Immagine my shock and horror when the DJ at the reception starts off the music with "Rick and Mary congratulations on you marriage. This first song goes out to you from your kids" and played "Play that funky music white boy" Friends and family from my mom's side were looking at my brothers and I like we were nuts and I kept pointing accross the dance floor to the other sibs table and shaking my head. Even though we were all adults, there could've been more done to at least introduce everyone before there was no going back. My mom and dad just celebrated their 5th anniversary and I couldn't have asked for a better family.
Considering you have younger kids, perhaps sitting down with a counselor, even the school one, would be helpful. Now, as a stepmom myself, we're going to be taking my step-son to a psychatrist because of all the stuff he's been through in his short little life to try to head off problems later especially since his mother all of a sudden wants to be involved in his life after being gone for more than half of it. It sounds like you found a keeper if he's driving 4 hours each way for the kid's sports things. Also the idea of taking the kids to his place to visit and meet other kids in the area is a wonderful idea.
First of all congratulations on your up coming marriage.
I smypothize with your daughter. My parents divorced when I was 5 and my mother remarried right before my 10th birthday. Even though I loved the man she was marrying & had already accepted him as my dad, I didn't want to move, I didn't want to lose my friends & I didn't want to change schools, either. I, too, was afraid of making or rather not making new friends and having to start out at a new school. But I am glad that my mother went thru with her marriage. I made new friends in our new neighborhood as well as in school.
A few tips for you daughter that will maybe help her.
But her a camera, nothing fancy, maybe even the disposable cameras that you can buy at Wal-mart & let her take photos of all of her friends w/ & w/o her in the photos. She could make a scrapbook or even buy a memo board and help her decorate it using the photos along with butterflies & flowers or whatever your little girl is into.
Buy her an address book so that she can get all of her friends home address, email address & phone numbers. And take her to buy stationary to help her keep in touch with her old friends.
I know I used the word "buy" a lot sorry about that but a lot of these items can be purchased at a Dollar Store or a Dollar Tree.
Good Luck with your up coming marriage, I hope I was able to help even a lilttle. Have a great Day!
Just my opinion...but do you think that she feels that she is losing her "real" dad and Danny will replace him?
I think Danny needs to be her friend NOT her dad since she already has one. I agree that he will be firm with rules, but quite honestly I think you need to do most of the rule setting and enforcement not him. Yes, you may be a family again...but stress to her that he's not replacing her dad!
