Hi Ladies!
My husband just told me that his ex-wife indicated that their 3 sons think I don't really care about them and I am so upset! I have been in a relationship with my husband for 8 1/2 years, but just met his children about 2 1/2 years ago. We wanted to make sure our relationship was stable before we met, but I think we may have waited too long! The kids are now 12 and 10 and I thought we had a pretty good relationship. We don't see eachother very often, recently, because of my husband's work schedule, but I really enjoy spending time with them. I know they love their little brother (my son) and I thought we were all comfortable with each other now. I just don't know how to get across to them how much I care about them! Do I sit them down and just tell them? I don't want to make them feel weird! I know what it's like having a step-parent - I have just recently begun to accept my stepfather! Anyone ever deal with this? PLEASE HELP!!
Thank you everyone for all of your kind words! I actually have never met the boys mom. She has done and said some very mean and inappropriate things in the past so my husband and I agreed that it would be best if I steer clear of her, to avoid a scene in front of the kids. She has never even requested to meet me, even though I'm spending time with her children (go figure, I would demand a meeting!!). Anyway, we will have the boys over next weekend during the twins (12 yos) birthday so we were thinking about an amusement park or something like that. I will make sure I go on rides with just them, no dad, to get some time in by ourselves. I'll slip in the conversation casually, how much I love and care for them and how much I enjoy spending time with them. All I can do is say and show my feelings, and I'm sure they will get it eventually. Thanks again for all of the encouragement! God bless you all.
Try talking to them. Maybe their mother is just saying that to keep you out of their lives more. Don't push too hard. Just ask them how they feel about everything. Being there for them is the biggest thing. Trying to do things they like and interacting with them as much as possible while you are around them are good things also. Don't just throw them in front of the television. Hope that helps, just some food for thought.
Let's consider the source, the children were talking to their mom and might be saying any manner of things for any number of reasons. If you feel a need to become closer to any child there are many books on the subject. I learned a lot from a home schooling program called Open Connections. They had great articles, books and pamphlets on the subject of raising children. One thing that stayed with me, get down to eye level as often as possible. There are several reasons to do this. I can't recall them at the moment or in detail but just try it.
Squat down & listen and see them in their world. It's a whole new perspective. It is also very enlightening.
Take heart...your experience is very common. You are dealing with a huge amount of emotions in this situation. My best advise to you, having lived through it, is to be yourself completly. Show your love for them as it is natural for you to do. Do not become overly emotional or try to over compensate. In time they will see and know your feelings are real. It takes time and patience. Sometimes they see you as an intruder on their Dad's time...it will all work out. Just be a good Mom to your son and his brothers...don't let little comments hurt you...in the end, they will embrace you and appreciate you. Children are also quite aware of their ability to manipulate when they are in this situation...to pull strings, so to speak. Just be fair and consistant, your love will shine through.
L.
Hi there!
First, this is about the age that kids don't like *any* parents and are getting all weird with adolesence. I wouldn't take it too personally.
Second, what is their Mom's motivation? Is she trying to hurt you, or do you have a good relationship?
Third, I'd plan a day out with just you and the boys. You can decide if it would be better with both or just one at a time. They may be more talkative if its just one at a time. Do something that is all about them, a ball game or movie or something like that.
Don't push yourself too hard on them, they can smell fear you know! If they think they can manipulate you because you're trying to show them you care about them they just might do it.
Good luck!
It is not easy hearing that kind of information, but I don't think their mom is helping any. You are a new mom to a toddler who takes and needs a lot of attention. My son is 14 months and I have 2 older step kids. You have to spend time with them, but if they are not complaining to your spouse...then it is probably not as bad as it their mom makes it out to be. Has she called to talk to you about how/why her kids feel this way? Just be yourself and include them in as many things as you can. Keep in mind, they also have to "watch" you and their dad interact with their little brother, they will not see with their parents. Hope this helps.
HI
I was just wondering if this came about after Noah was born. I ask because I too have a step daughter and she was 7 when I had my son. Before that she got more attention from me and after the baby was born she felt like I didn't care about her because I didn't have as much time for her. She likes when we can do something just the two of us so occasionally I will take her shopping or go for a walk and talk with just her. This seemed to help. Maybe you could try something that they like and just take them without the baby. You don't have to do it all the time but it definately makes a difference for a while after you do. Hope this helps.
If you want them to know how much you care you must say those words to each of them. They may feel uncomfortable but that is ok. Parents are supposed to make us uncomfortable at times in our lives. It can be as simple as saying to them the next time you are together "I love you and you are so special to me". It doesn't have to be a long sit down discussion. I think really that would be really bad for them. Boys are very simple creature who need to be spoken to directly. You may be surprised how they will react to a plain old I love you.
good luck
sometimes you have to be careful of ex wives. luckily, my mom and stepmom get along and while it was wierd while i was growing up, my mom made sure i had a relationship with my dad. it could be that the ex-wife said that because she is jealous of your relationship with her kids. explain to the kids you are not their mother nor do you intend to replace her. you are the mother of noah and he is a part of you and them and their dad. tell them that you do care about them and want to be part of their lives since you all have their dad and noah in common.
J.,
I feel for you. I am a stepmother of 2 children (14 and 9) from 2 different homes, plus my husband and I have a 4-year-old together. I really don't have a relationship with either mother. My stepdaughter's mother stopped speaking to me 7 years ago, because she stated I offended her by combing her daughter's hair during a visit with her dad and I. For years, my stepdaughter felt like she was betraying her mother when she had fun at our home. She is finally moving past this.
My stepson's mother says hello, but there has been constant tension since my stepson came to live with his dad and I 5 years ago do to behavior and school issues. We stress good behavior, good grades, and Christian values to our kids. My stepson mother let him do whatever he wants when he is in her home. It is an ongoing struggle to keep him on the right path.
My relationship with both kids was good until my 4-year old son was born. My son was really cute and chubby as a baby which drew a lot of attention to him when we were in public. This really got to my stepchildren. They were very jealous of the attention that he received from others and from me. They are beginning to like him, but still at times band against him and don't want him around, which really upsets me as a mother, because he really loves them and misses them when they are not around, but I have to back off and not react.
I said all that to say this. Do your best. Let the kids know that you care by what you say and by spending time with them. I have learned that buying them things does not buy them love. I do not say anything negative about their mothers. Blended families are a lot of work and just when you think everything is okay, another issue arises, but in the end, the children will see that you care.
I agree with Cia - You just tell them. My husband is stepdad to my 2 kids. Our philosphy is step is just a word. He cares for and loves them as if they were his own. Tell yours that when they are not there you miss them - you love all your sons. Simple statements here and there will get the point across. Remember - if they are unhappy or mad from time to time they will react negatively but that's just what kids do.
By the way - Noah was born on my birthday!
Initially, I wanted to respond with advice on how to make them feel closer to you. But the more I thought it through, the more I realized you're probably right in the way you've been feeling in thinking you were enjoying each other's company, etc. I'm guessing what they indicated to their mom has more to do with trying to protect their mom's feelings than it does with hurting yours. It would be very normal for their mom to ask, "How do you get along with J.?" and for them to fear saying, "She's great! We have so much fun with her! She's the best step mom a boy could ever ask for!" - they know telling her you're great would hurt her, so they probably fudged a bit just saying, "She's alright. She seems to love Noah more and she doesn't love us as much as you do" or something to that effect.
I think I'd keep on doing what you're doing - treating them as your own in terms of love & affection (if they're open to it), keep the relationship friendly, maybe even take them out for some 1-on-1 with you while doing their favorite hobbies (or discovering a new one together). You cannot replace their own mother, so I'd just make sure they know that you're there for them as a friend but not trying to be a replacement.
Hang in there - stepping is TOUGH!!! (and definitely take the road of having no "steps" in your house - my own dear departed Mom #2 told me this and her whole family took me and my sister in as their own - THAT was a true blessing!)
I come from a badly mixed family. Force was applied that we would all be "one big happy". We weren't; we aren't. Our details are quite different from yours, but if you try too hard I would suspect you'll turn the kids off.
J.,
Open communication is always a great place to start. Additionally, having your actions reflect your feelings will speak volumes to the children.
Something else to consider, you are reacting to something that may or maynot have been said by the children or that may have been misinterpretted. And "don't really care about them" can look so many different ways. It may be their young view of how you interact with your son versus how you interact with them. Are you as affectionate? Are you as attentive? Are you as interactive?
Trust yourself and your love for these 3 beautiful little souls!
G.
If I were the children I would be hurt too if I had only met you 2 years ago and you were in a relationship with my fahter for 8 1/2. Imagine how you might feel if the situation were reversed. I also wonder how is your and your DH's relationship with his ex? Is there bad mouthing going on between the 2 houses? Is there constincy between the 2 houses as far as rules and how punishment are handled? I'd try to make it "match up" a bit more if there is some uneveness between the 2 houses. They are older children so tehy dont' neeed the same rule basis as your litle one.
10 and 12 are such great ages to do things with. Have you ever just done things with them yourself? Just the 3 of you go somewhere and do something that they picked out to do? It might be a great way to get a conversation going about how much you care for them. I am going to be honest and say that you stated that you care for them, but you didn't say that you love them. I would try to find a way to spend more time with them and get a deeper emotional bond with them. It takes more then words or actions to feel cared for or loved. Use your experience as a step-child to help you figure out what to do. Good Luck!
