Funerals: Take the Kids or Leave Them Home?

My general rule is if it someone the child should know or care about- like grandparents, then they should go. If the person will hardly even be mentioned then they should stay home (or at a friends).

I am not actually writing to leave advice, but to thank everyone who already responded. I was prepared to say 'leave them at home' but the explanations for why to bring children to a funeral of someone they are not close to was very clarifying, and I appreciate the opportunity to learn from parents who have more experience than I do.

I would take them with. I agree that you want them to learn about the funeral process before its someone close to them. There are a lot of questions that can be answered much easier when its not a close relative. (My question when I was that age was "Why can't we just leave the body in the closet and look at it whenever we want?")

My daughter is 6.5 years old and I take her to every funeral I go to. I look at it like a learning experiance and a way to prepare her for when someone close does die she won't freak out and will be somewhat more comfortable with how things work.

This being said my daughter strangely enjoys funerals/wakes she loves to go look at the deceased person in the casket and is just fascinated with the whole process. We've never had a bad experiance or anything.

Can you imagine going to your first funeral and it being someone extremely close? My mom passed away when I was 19 years old unexpectantly. I had been to one other funeral in my entire life but being to that one other funeral really helped.

Hi C.,

I recently posted a similar question here regarding my husband's grandmother and her funeral. He was not very close with her, and our 2 and 4 year old had never met her. We struggled with the decision of bringing them or not. And I got some very lovely advise from the ladies here at Mamasource. We decided in the end to bring them to the funeral because of the fact that this wasn't someone that they were close with. And it's better to expose them to the idea of a funeral when it's not a close friend or family member (so there are less emotions tied into the process). They will eventually have to deal with loosing someone they know and are close with, so this worked out pretty well in our situation. Our two young ones did just fine at the visitation and the service they had for her. We also took them to the dinner after where they got to release their energy with the other kids there. It surprised me how well behaved they were, but I guess kids have that "sixth sense" where they know how to read other people's emotions. We tried our best to explain before the funeral what to expect and what they would be seeing there. And that there would be people crying, and they may even see Mommy or Daddy crying. Our 4 year old had many questions throughout the process, but she did very well with it. (Our 2 year old really didn't quite get it yet.) Good luck with your decision, and I'm very sorry for your loss!

I think it depends on if she new the person and how well? Myself, I wouldn't take her unless it was someone she was close to. Good luck w/your decision,and I'm sorry for your loss.

B.

Hi C.,

I don't see a problem with taking your 7-year-old, or leaving them at home. Does your child know this person? Even if they don't, it might not be a bad time to introduce this part of our lives to a child. It might be easier to handle answering all the questions when it isn't a family member, instead of waiting until it is.

C.

I think it depends on your child and the situation, but some other factors to consider: Can she sit still and not be disruptive for about an hour or however long the service would last? (I have boys and I have taken them to funerals, but that can be an issue.) Sometimes people enjoy seeing children at a funeral, especially the funeral of an older person. It lightens the mood and older people enjoy seeing children.

Unless the child was personally close with the person who has passed away I think it is best to leave the child with someone else while you attend. If the child was close to the person who passed away and you think your child can handle it then by all means, make them a part of it.

Did your child know the person who died? If not, I'd say to get a babysitter. If so, then let your child decide whether or not to attend. Just have a backup plan (an on-call babysitter or something) in case it becomes too much for your child.

I would say......leave them home. For one it's not like a grandparent or aunt or uncle.

Young children don't understand the concept of death. You don't need to be chasing or telling your child to be quiet during prayer service, so get a babysitter, and go with your husband alone.

I have unfortunately had a lot of experience with death over the years. At 7 years old, my question is, if they aren't a relative was your child close to them? If not, get a sitter. There is no need to expose your child to the process of death this early in life if they had no special bond with the deceased. If they did have a relationship, then maybe take them to one or the other but not both. It's too much for someone so young. My first funeral was when I was about 6 give or take a year and the whole experience was just a little creepy. I barely knew her (she was my Great Grandmother, the mother of my mother's adopted father...I had only met her once or twice before). I remember more about the ceiling fan that fell off the newly renovated church's ceiling on to my aunts then I do about the funeral though so at that age I guess it's ok. I just don't see a point in it if it isn't your child's family member or someone they were close to and use to having in their life. Hope this info helps you make a decision.

My condolences on your friend's loss.

If it was a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle or close family friend then I would say yes. But since this is your husband's friends parent, I honestly see no need to bring a 7 year old to the funeral.

Hello C.,
I would say to take your child. I think it will be easier to go to a funeral of a distant friend than to have to deal with it when a very close relative passes away. We have taken our two children with us to funerals of their great Uncle and Great Great Grandmother. They were 2 & 4 for their uncle and 1 & 3 for Gram's funeral. We explained (mainly to my son who is the oldest) that people will be crying and will look sad. We do attend Mass with the kids so we talked about the how their spirit is now in Heaven. If you are religious that might help a bit. My siblings and I had attended funerals occasionly when we were growing up and I think it probably helped a bit when our grandfather died. I was 19 but my youngest brother was only 4 and quite close to him. In my family we were always sad during the funerals but not overwhelmed. My husband never attended a funeral (not even his great grandmother's) because his mom thought it would be to difficult to explain and have them deal with. The first funeral he attended was for one of his best friends who was in a car crash senior year. He has said it was a horrible experience (obviously, being one of his closest friends)but he also had no idea what to expect. I think that as long as you prepare your 7 year old for what they will see...people crying, the casket (if they go up to the casket you might need to explain that the person has on make-up, etc), that during the service they should be quite like in church...then i think it will be fine for them to attend.

I really think it depends on the situation. I know people have suggested it so that she can see what it's all about. However, what are the circumstances of the death? If it's an unpredicted death or the person has young kids or it's something very traumatic that happened to him than I say no. You'd hate to have you daughter have to sit and watch other little kids deal with the trauma of their Daddy's death. And if it's a room of people that are all crying and upset then it might be very upsetting for her. I think it might be ok to bring her to the funeral of an elderly person (which this could be) who died of old age where people are more accepting of the death and it's more like a life ceremony than a funeral.
I, myself, don't bring my kids to anything like that that they don't absolutely have to go to. I'd hate for them to get scared or obsessed with dying and wondering if their Daddy or I was going to die.
Just my 2 cents :o)
Good luck with your decision,
J.
Mom to 4, soon one more through another adoption and hopefully more :o)

I was about that age when I went to my first funeral. I was visiting my cousin and a child in their church drown in a lake. I can't say it impacted me one way or another, but the experience has stayed with me to this day. It might be good to give her a chance to see death without the emotionally charged time when a grandparent dies. I think it is a very personal decision these days and there probably isn't a "rule of thumb" anymore. Follow your gut instincts, you know your child best.

I would say unless it's someone he was close to, leave him home.

If it were a family member or someone he saw a lot I'd say bring him, but since it seems like someone distant, leave him home.

I guess that I probably would not take her in this instance; unless she was really close to your husband's friends parent.
I did not take my kids when a friend of mine from college died; however, we did take them when great-grandpa died.
It is totally up to you, you are the parent.
us, personally- only if it's a close relative or family friend.
when great grandpa died my oldest son was 7 and he handled it quite well (goes to Catholic school) he had a better grasp on it than I did, I think. He said calmly, "It's okay, God had a better plan for Grandpa, he'll be in Heaven with Jesus"

We just took our 2 sons (6 and 4 years) to a funeral of a person they were not close to, but I was. We debated too. They did wonderful and I am glad their first experience was not so difficult emotionally for them.

I was 5yrs old for my first visitation/funeral. I think being exposed to death at an early age helped me learn it's a fact of life. I have a friend who never attended a funeral until college. She was nervous about it and the notion of death really freaked her out.

I say as long as your daughter can be quiet and respectful take her with you. Teach her that death is not to be feared, and although the person will be missed, their life continues in heavan (if that's what you believe).

C.,

My dad died in February. He was cremated. We had the visitation at that time and the funeral just this week. I took both of my daughters (they are now 5 1/2 and 8) to both events. I was able to tell them what to expect and we went over it several times so they were prepared. They both were fine with it all and I think it was good to have a last good-bye.

Last year I did not take them to my uncle's funeral, mainly because I thought they might act up and bother people who really needed that time to mourn. Still, we stood respectfully by the road and watched the funeral procession, which I explained to them.

In both cases, I asked myself a) if the child needed to be there to mourn for the person, b)if their possible inappropriate behavior might ruin it for someone else, and c) if I could prepare them enough for what they would see.

One last thought: Sometimes attending the funeral or visitation of someone they were not close to allows them time to observe the process without having all the emotions that go with the death of a close friend or relative. Hope this helps.

T.

We just discussed this at length at ECFE...

A lot of us came to the conclusion that perhaps it's better to take children to funerals when they don't know the person well and when his/her parents can parent the child rather than be wrapped up in their own grief. Obviously, there will be grief no matter what, but you know your own family best--I personally took my 3 1/2 year old to my grandmother's funeral (she'd been dying for about 6 months and he'd seen her a number of times at the nursing home) and he went to the visitation and the funeral. It was rough because my husband was not able to be there and I had two small boys, but my extended family was very helpful and, while we've had endless questions about death and it did scare him a little, I don't regret taking him--it was an excellent opportunity to teach him about death, esp. since grandma was old and in pain (which might be another factor--is family friend your age? will daughter start to wonder about her own parents' deaths? that might be too scary). Anyway--my thoughts--you know your daughter and whether she will handle it ok. Has she seen this person go through illness, or will this be a surprise? How can you and your husband handle parenting at a time like the funeral/visition? Has she experienced death in other ways (pets, family/friends whose funerals she has not attended)? I guess there are a million factors to consider, but ultimately it's up to you to do what you think is best. Good luck, and I'm sorry for your loss.

Addendum: I saw one person say kids that age don't understand death...and while I'd agree, my son doesn't "get" death quite the way I do, he does understand that it's traumatic, sad, and that the person is no longer with us--and that's plenty. He's four, so your 7 yo will understand quite a lot more than that.

I was 7 when my Grandfather died, and I went to the visitation. It was not traumatic in fact I would say it was a good age to be introduced to that part of life. I was young enough not to be ‘freaked out’ that there was a body in the room. At the same time I was old enough to recognize that it was a serious occasion and that I need to be on my best behavior. However, I did not go to the funeral. If I remember right I pretended to have a stomach ache because I didn't want to go to church and sit still for what seemed to me to be an eternity.
As for taking a 7 year-old to the visitation/funeral of the parent of a friend, did your daughter know this person? If she did know the person and was close to them, then explain what is going on and let her decide. But if she doesn't know the person, I would think a child of any age would be bored, and that could become a problem.

I work in a nursing home and you would be suprised how many times we are asked questions like this. If you daughter didn't know him well then I would leave her at home. 7 is still the questionable age. If she new him well then talk about it and ask her if she wants to go, make sure you explain what she will see and how she should behave. If you do decide to bring her do not push her to see the body and be ready to leave if she gets upset.

Hey C.,

I have 2 boys (5 & 7), they have both been to funerals, but all were after a cremation had taken place. I take that back my Husband's Uncle had not been cremated, but they had never before met him. We do discuss death on a rare occasion, whenever they may come up with a question and neither of them had any problem whatsoever at any of the funerals or after.

That being said, I think you have a few things to consider before making your decision: (1) Have you had any discussions about death or could you before the funeral (without causing any upset) (2) Does your child know this person ... not at all/just in passing/or very well (I think the better they know the person the harder it might be, and if they don't know them at all, it might be a less traumatic way to introduce them to this part of the life cycle and finally,(3) Will it be after a cremation or will there be a viewing. You know your child better than anyone, if you consider these things and follow your gut you should be just fine.

Hope this helps!
D.

I have to agree with the moms who say to take your child with. My brother and I had very different "funeral" experiences. My parents took me to a distant relatives (or maybe it was a friend of my parents) not anyone I knew very well for my first experience. I am glad that they did, it made the process better for me as I knew what to expect when we lost someone close. My brother on the other hand, his first experience was with someone close, he to this day still has a very hard time with anyone's funeral, close or not!