How Many Wakes/funerals/memorial Services Have You/your Kids Attended?

I've been to a number of memorial services (all kinds of denominations, including completely secular) and have sat shiva for several relatives / friends of family. I've only been to two graveside services, though -- one for each grandparent. My impression is that these tend to be reserved for closer family members, though I can't speak for religions other than my own.

My son has been to ... none. His great-grandfather died when he was three, and I decided that he'd have a hard time sitting through the service at that age, wouldn't get much out of it, and would likely be frightened or upset by what he did understand. My husband did bring him down for a day of shiva-sitting afterwards.

I'll have to make this decision again within the next year or so, since we have a close family friend who's in her late 90s. Now that my son is older and generally a well-behaved kid, I'm inclined to bring him, since I think it's beneficial for kids to learn that memorials can be comforting, that death is a part of life, and all that. But I'll have to work it out with my brother to seat the cousins about 10 miles apart so they don't just deteriorate into inappropriate goofballs.

Lets see I have been to six full funerals with the wake included. 3 seperate wakes and only 3 gravesides.

Two of the full funerals in the last week. uhg make it stop. I said yesterday that the next one that dies im missing because I am out of time off of work (mind you this was in a group of close friends who all took it as it was ment.. a joke!)

My first experience with death, that I remember, wasn't until my grandpa died when I was in high school. We had the wake the afternoon/evening before, then the funeral, and then we followed to the burial right after. That is how any memorial service I have attended has worked. However, more recently, I have known a few that have simply had the wake for a short time prior to the funeral. Also, my husband's family does not attend the burial service. I have been to a "burial" at a mausoleum and for a person who is intrigued by the whole death/funeral process (seriously, I have contemplated being a funeral director and taken death/dying/grief classes), that was the weirdest feeling I have ever had during any memorial type service.

I don't know much about other religions. Other cultures - especially a Hmong funeral - are interesting to learn about! I don't know what a shiva is - will be looking that up at some point! :-)

My background is Protestant. My family personally does Funeral then what you might call a wake (sort of a get together after the funeral). I've never been to a burial. We cremate our dead. Later we will have a scattering of the ashes ceremony. This may be years later. My father died last year and we haven't scattered him yet. When we scatter them usually just immediate family attend and whomever we need to assist - scattering is often at sea in a special boat for us.

My children have been to two funerals and wakes.

My husband and I are both from Catholic families, and his family is big! (and only an hour away). So our kids have been to many wakes and funerals. We don't usually stick around for the burial and luncheon, because our kids are young and don't really know anyone.

Some Christian denominations call it a "Visitation" and not a "Wake." A friend of mine college thought wakes were horrible and disrespectful. Turns out she thought they were celebrations with lots of alcohol. When I told her what they were, she said, "Oh, like a visitation?"

I am Catholic and my kids have never been to a wake for funeral (they are 7, 4, and 2). I would only take them if the person was a very important/influential/present figure in their life (one of my siblings, my parents/in-laws).

The last funeral I went to was for a child who died of a congenital heart defect. Our 4 year old also has a congenital heart defect. I did not even consider taking any of our children to that one.

My kids have been to 2 funerals. We are fortunate to not have had many deaths in our family since our kids were born. My Grandmother (their great-grandmother) and someone we were close to from church that the kids also knew (small church). They attended both funeral and graveside services.
They also attended a visitation (sort of a protestant wake?) for a different person from a church we were no longer attending, but we didn't pull them from school to attend the funeral service.

I did not go to many funerals as a child, at all. My husband did, but he was living with his grandparents, so there were a lot of "older" folks in their social circle. My first funeral was my grandfather's. I was probably 13. After that, it was YEARS before I had occasion to attend another funeral. Probably been to 8 total for me.

But a couple more "wake" type things, where there was a cremation involved, so no actual funeral. One was my former employer, who wanted cremation and his kids did an oyster roast. It really is what he would have wanted.

Several years ago my oldest daughter and I were trying to figure out how many deaths we had had in the family since my Grandpa's death in 1982 to my brother's death in 1995 and between my side of the family, my ex-husband's side and friends we figured out there had been 32 funerals and we had attended most of them. So in 13 yrs we had over 30 funerals and 17 yrs later there has been at least that many. That's what happens when you parents (mine) were each one of 6 kids and my ex's parents were each 1 of 4.

I've been to funerals for two of my grandparents, both of my parents, various aunts and uncles and a couple of friends. We have wakes, but they are just sort of a reception following the service, either in the funeral home, the church or someone's home. I've only been to the graveside (interment) service for my parents and one aunt. We cremate, but we still usually bury the remains (you can put three cremations into one burial plot). I've only been to a couple of funerals since my kids were born, and they weren't people my kids knew so they didn't go. We are protestant.

I have been to one open casket funeral. Two funerals at a church and with one of those we went outside to the actual burial. That is it.
So a total of 3.
My kids have never been to one.

Sadly, way too many. Of all ages (from premature infant to someone pushing 100), backgrounds, and for all reasons. I don't know if it's because of the ages of our relatives (though DH's friend wasn't yet 50 - cancer) or because we know a lot of people (I've attended a Jewish funeral and burial and visited families sitting shiva) or what. My DD has only attended a couple. She doesn't have the patience and she gets upset when we do. So either we go to the wake/visiting hours with her or one person goes and one stays home if we can't find a sitter.

How people do it varies. For example, the infant was cremated and his memorial service was a month or so later. My great grandmother died in November in upstate NY...so they cremated her and had a memorial service when the snow melted. While a memorial service may be secular, I've also attended religious ones held for whatever reason - time or distance. My uncle had visitation/funeral/graveside service followed by reception back at the church. Most people locally have visiting hours/a wake the day or two before the funeral and if the burial is not public, then it may be after the reception.

My son's been to 2 and I'm not sure the first one really counts....it was my hubbiy's stepmother's mother's wake and we had child care issues as everyone decided to go to the wake in Peabody...son was 2 and 1/2 we all took turns keeping him busy in another room....The 2nd was this fall when his "Grappy" passed...now son is 11...he did OK at the actual funeral (actually he "enjoyed" riding in the limo) but he was kind of spook during the wake/visiting hours (open casket)...otherwise, we've managed to usually find some kind of arrangement s thus far so he wouldn't have to go (like the time my friend and I "tookturns" at Dunkin donuts with him while the went tru the line at a mutual friends dad's wake...OK, so I did have a little trouble w/ child care that day)

However, I think, the wake is a Christian thing originally going back to the days when folks who were in some sort of wicked deep sleep (I forget the actual medical term) were mistaken for dead ... so in order not to bury the person , the body would be laid out and family would be around to see if he/she would "wake" up....(this all being in the days prior to embalming)...Anyways wakes a been renamed to visitting hours...visit the family...kinder, gentler, more PC

Just this year, I've had 3 aunts, 2 uncle and a very close friend pass away. If we lived closer, we all, kids included, would have attended the funerals and viewings and family functions.

Unfortunately, we only made it to 3 of the funerals, and the kids none. I'm sad that my children are missing out on this import passage.

wow! I feel sorry for your colleague. Either she doesn't have many close friends/acquaintances or she is simply avoiding death.

a well done wake or funeral is a beautiful thing, even if it is sad.

I attended a couple funerals every summer as a kid.....my grandmother was Irish and had lived in the same county all her life. All the cousins joked about it at her funeral - a week with grandma meant at least one if not two funerals. and she had no qualms taking us, regardless of age.

my children (9 and 11) have been to a handful of funerals - relatives and close friends. death is part of life and one of the gifts we can give them is to learn that and to learn how to honor someone - attend the wake and/or funeral, talk about them, tell stories about them (again - I'm Irish!).

that said, my husband's family does not do the equivalent of a wake or the lunch after the funeral. drives me batty! quit avoiding the elephant in the room and celebrate the person's life! there's also no closure for the family - or so it seems. it seems "if we avoid talking about sad we won't be sad" but the grief seems worse and seems to drag on much longer. we're also not supposed to talk about them after they've passed in his family but I refuse to follow that unspoken rule. my kids will know that the best way to show love and honor is to keep telling stories and talking after a loved one has died. so far, I haven't been censured too much!

so - long live the wake. and if you skip that, make the funeral full of stories like a wake! oh, and take your kids - it's good for them and for people to be reminded that life continues in the next generation.

I have been to too many! My kids 9 and 11 havent been to any, the only people close enough to even think of taking them to the funeral with me, died when they were too young to even understand.

Not sure how you get to 45 and never have been to a wake? Death is part of the circle of life. It's important to let your children understand that.

I also think it's about you and your maturity level and your desire to pay respects. When a close friend loses a close family member, we go to the wake and/or funeral. All ages attend.

I think a lot of it depends on how you are raised.

My Protestant family called the "night before" a "Viewing" which means the open casket and a receiving line, but no formal program or service. The funeral was a service conducted by a minister, either in church or at the funeral home, again with open casket. We kids always went so I got used to it but I don't think we went until we were about 9. And everything was explained to us. We never used the term "wake" - that was, for many years, largely used for Catholic deaths. I think people now tend to spread that term around, although most obituaries for non-Catholic deaths use the term "calling hours".

My Jewish family, and all Jewish funerals, DO NOT have open caskets, ever. It is customary for friends to go to the funeral home or synagogue early, before the service, to greet the family in a side room beforehand. There is nothing ahead of time - no wake, no viewing, no calling hours. After the service is the burial (rarely cremation, although that is growing a little in popularity - in fact, many Jewish cemeteries will not allow you to inter the ashes, only the body). There are certain prayers at the service (always the 23rd Psalm), plus the eulogy (by the rabbi or by family members, or both), and sometimes there is a cantor to sing certain traditional pieces. At the cemetery, there are other prayers, and the family and any willing attendees participate in putting some dirt in the grave after the casket is lowered. It's a very moving ritual.

After the burial, there is shiva. By the way, "shiva" comes from the same Hebrew root as "Shabbat" (Sabbath) - in Hebrew, "v" and "b" are variations of the same letter so they are often both used in words of similar meaning. Both words come from the word "sheva" which means "7" - God rested on the 7th day (Sabbath), and there is a 7-day intense mourning period known as "Shiva" (also sometimes called "memorial week") during which the family does not work, go out, or do anything except receive guests. After the funeral, there is usually a gathering, at a home (not necessarily the mourner's home if they are not from the area, and occasionally at a restaurant). If it's at a home, those attending bring food - no one sends flowers to a Jewish funeral or a Jewish house of mourning. (If you want to do something, you make a donation to the synagogue or a charity of importance to the family.) There is often a memorial service conducted by a rabbi or any knowledgeable Jew in the family's circle, which requires 10 Jewish adults to be official. Anyone can attend this. Usually that is announced in the obituary or by the funeral director. So, if "shiva" is from 3-8, there might be a service at 5:45 - depends on the family, the time of sunset, and other factors. People who want to pay their respects to the family can go at any time during this period, during the announced hours - and bring food. It's important to know if the family keeps kosher or follows dietary laws, and to what extent.

Because there is no open casket, we started taking our son when he was about 6 or 7 to the funeral, and occasionally to the home. We felt it was important for him to learn to be part of the community and to fulfill his obligations to others. He learned many of the prayers and blessings in Hebrew school, so he could participate in certain parts, and it was important to do that.

We did not take him to anything open casket, because it was not his tradition or within his experience, until he was in 10th grade and a friend's father died. We took that opportunity to explain this custom and to prepare him for it.

And as for your friend not going to anything - I think she is either incredibly fortunate to never have had a friend lose a parent or a sibling, OR she has not been raised with an understanding of the importance of having people around you at the darkest time in your life. She may not know what's expected or what will happen, so she avoids things.

My grandparents were Church of Christ and it was called a "Wake". We call them visitation or viewing. I'm Lutheran. My kids have been to about 5 funeral/wakes/viewings/visitations.

My parents did not let me attend an open casket wake until I was a teenager.

The same went for our entire Italian neighborhood.