Sorry in advance for the long post. A little background: My son's father, Ramesh, is Indian and lives over in India. We go to visit about every 18-24 months as he is not able to get a visa. Single, computer degree, no land ownership, etc. Basically the US government is concerned he would skip his visa and try to stay here. My dad goes over at least once a year (sometimes twice) for mission work and is in the same area as Ramesh and his family.
We went last January for a couple of weeks. Everything was going fine, except for a couple of problems. One issue I had was that Ramesh was gone two days to go pick up his girlfriend from the train station so that she could meet my son. I have no problem with her meeting my son. I had a problem with Ramesh being gone two days to pick her up when the train station is only an hour away. I would think spending time with your son would be important. Ramesh's family was also there, except for his dad, who left after two days. My dad even offered to pay for someone to feed his buffalos so he could stay, but he didn't want to. Once again, I would think that spending time with your grandson would be important. But, I let it go and didn't say anything and the rest of the trip was fine.
Fast forward to now, Ramesh and his girlfriend are officially engaged and getting married at the end of the month. They have been together 3 years, so this isn't sudden. My problem is with their wedding invitation. In the invitation, there are pictures of their family. The family members included for her are her mom and dad, brother and sister-in-law, and niece and nephew. His family has pictures of his mom and dad, sister, brother, and sister-in-law. Our son isn't pictured. Isn't even mentioned! The fact that he has a son is known to all of his and her family, so it's not like he is trying to hide anything. I thought about the fact that our son wasn't going to be there (another question....why didn't you have the wedding a few months earlier when we were there?), but her brother, sister-in-law and their kids aren't going to be there either.
I feel like I put forth a lot of effort trying to keep their relationship going. For goodness sake, I have gone to India 4 times with my son and he is only 5! We also do calls, emails, web chats (but only when my dad is over there), letters, etc. Almost none of it is reciprocated. There is usually a card and email on my son's birthday, but not much else. Ramesh will give my dad a gift when he is over there and my dad will bring it back. I've gotten $100 total from Ramesh, but in his defense he doesn't have a lot of income and he does pay for a lot of the taxi rides and meals when we are there. It's getting to the point where I don't even feel the need to travel back there. Let Ramesh come to us if he wants to visit. If I'm going to take an international trip every other year, there are a lot of other places I would like to see! I felt frustrated with the lack of effort after this past trip, but the wedding invitation just pushed me over the edge. Am I just overreacting or do any of you guys see it the same way?
ETA: Ramesh is not on the birth certificate. With him being overseas, it would be difficult to get the necessary paperwork for a passport or any other legal issues. Also child support is not feasible. Ramesh's income is not steady and their income is much less than over here. We're talking $200-300 a month.
Time to move on. It seems like he's not really interested, but is only pacifying you when you make an effort. Move on.
honestly, it does not sound like he has much interest in being a dad. I would just ask him if he wants to sign his rights away, otherwise you have to demand he step up, pay support, and make an effect to come to see his son rather than you always traveling to him.
He has done everything but flat out tell you "i'm not interested".
Sorry, but your disappointment stems from your expectations, which he's making pretty clear are unrealistic.
Time to cut your (and your son's) losses and move on.
Amanda, I'm very sorry. The thing is, this is a cultural issue. You are not Indian, and though they are nice to your son, he is not really "part of the family".
There is a lot to be said for letting your son see and learn about his heritage, but I wouldn't expect anything out of Ramesh in regards to your son. He has told you quite specifically in "deed". You may want the words, but you probably won't get them.
India is rich in culture and your son will appreciate that you take him several times before he is grown. That doesn't mean you have to take him every year. Take him to other places so that he can have a more rounded international experience.
All my best,
Dawn
Amanda, you sound like a very nice but a very naive young woman. Why do you put so much effort in the relationship that no one needs except you. You son needs a man in his life daily, not some distant once a year memory of a father who cannot/does not want to be in his life. If you found a good guy and married him, your son would need no Ramesh, he and you will forget all about him and will be living your lives as if he never existed. Later, when your son is an adult, he can go and look up Ramesh and meet him if he has a desire, if not - great, who needs a bunch of poor relatives that you never knew you had.
As for your son's picture, yes, no one wants to mention him, it is a shameful thing in India to have an out of wedlock child. It is almost a catastrophe. I am sure his whole family dreading your every visit and thinking why is this woman keeps putting this child into our face. I, know it is painful for you to hear, but in places like India being born out of wedlock puts a child in a life long second-hand class. And the poor kid did nothing to deserve it. You cannot impose your values on their world and way of their living.
My advice, stop going there, stop wasting your time and money, this is going nowhere. Once this Ramesh is married, his new wife will make sure your son never mentioned anywhere because she would not like to be embarrassed like that. Find a good man and create a family that you and your son he deserve. I cannot believe you wasted so many years already. God bless.
When I divorced my oldest father I put forth every effort to include him and his family in her life and continued even after he disappeared. We moved out of state 5 years later and maintained contact with them via phone. Over the 8 years since we have seen the great grandmother but the rest of the family has not visited with the exception of the cousin (who is the same age as mine) and my daughter has ridden them off. Family connection is essential to the development of a child but family is not what your born into, who your blood related to, but rather who raises you and is an active part in your life. Think about this while your sorting out how much effort to place on keeping this connection between father and son
I'm going to second Dawn's post that this is 99.9% cultural. This man does not view family relationships like an American. (One of my close friends is married to an Indian man, and I can tell you, his approach to marriage/parenting is VERY different...and he TRIES to compromise.) Ramesh is no longer in a relationship with you, and he is also very likely under a great deal of pressure from his family and his fiancé's family to handle this situation in a way that does not include embracing your son. This is NOT going to get better after he gets married, especially if/when he has a son with the new wife. I suspect you are setting your son up for a hostile rejection at some point in the future if you continue insisting on a relationship with the dad. For his (your son's) sake, I would say, let it go. Make sure your son knows who his dad is and what his heritage is, but beyond that, don't fill him with expectations that will not come to fruition.
What a difficult situation. I can understand how you must feel for your beautiful son. Unfortunately, Ramesh is missing out on the best thing in his life.
If I were you, I would keep open the doors of communication through letters, photos and emails. Stop torturing yourself though, and lose the expectation that Ramesh will ever be a good father. You have given him a chance, and if you continue to give him a chance, it is totally up to him.
Your son will grow up knowing that you kept the communications going for him, but as painful as it is for him, one day he will realise that his father is not a father at all. Give him all the love, support, and family that you can on your side of the world. Take him on other trips and broaden his experience. Don't waste your money any more by visiting, but make it known he is always welcome to visit your son.
You are functioning as mother & father. Please stop enabling your son's father. You are doing all of the work....& you deserve better.
Let your son continue oral & written contact with his father....& that's it. That's all you need to be responsible for!
& stop defending the man....he's an adult & he's made the choices which are best for him. :)
Its nice you are trying to keep the father son thing going, Sadly you cannot make this man be a man and a father to his son. I just do not know why you make excuses for him. Does the boy ask about his father or do you just keep bringing it up. Let your dad be his dadda right now the man in his life. Put your energies into being a great mom and enjoying your son while you can Before long he will grow up and be out on his own
It doesn't sound as if he's making any effort to be a dad, and you can't force him. Realistically you should stop expecting anything on his part, then if he does do something you will be pleasantly surprised.
He may not have anything to do with planning his wedding and the pictures used, you yourself said he has little income so I'm guessing the bride-to-be's family paid for the invitations and probably chose not to include your son. They are hoping that their daughter will have children with him, and that is their concern.
You will have to make the decision if you will continue to take your son to India to see him, and if you can deal with the consequences (your son may ask you later why you stopped, he will not have his father in his life, etc.) Not an easy decision, i don't envy the position you're in.
It would be best to move on. Ramesh is not on the birth certificate and that says a lot he left in disgrace of what he had done. Paternity to prove who is daddy in the future and who pays for it? He isn't. He is planning a new life in India with another woman. He is not coming back to America to live a "happily ever after life." He tried to stay away as long as possible while you were there to let you know that you were not important. His father even left to take care of other business.
Time to realize what you had was a fantasy and now you have to face the real life issues of being a mom without the dad involved. Child support is nil at $200-$300 a month -- we don't live on that here in the States. Find a man that will love you and your son as his own and bring him up in the ways of a man.
Ramesh is aware that he has fathered a child in another country but the customs of his country dictate how he is to react to parenting. We don't know what outside pressures he is under with you and your child and the soon to be wife and her family. You are just a "girlfriend" not even fiance.
You can only control you and no one else.
Good luck to you in the future.
The other S.
Your son't father either can't or won't take much of a role as a father. That is unfortunate but you probably can't change it. I would still stay in contact but maybe cut down on the travel, though I think your son would enjoy being able to see and do more if he visits when he is older. My uncle married a woman from India and they have taken many family trips and done more sight seeing as the kids got older.
I really feel your pain and frustration. However, it is in the best interest of your son to have a father in his life and sadly that sounds like the sacrifice you might have to make. Although I would rather spend the money for one ticket once a year for Ramesh to visit his son then you going over there. If you are paying for the ticket you will see whether or not he wants to be part of his sons life. Best of luck
You have done enough. Your son knows his father and is able to see and visit him over the internet. I would stop. You are spending a fortune on this and it is obviously not wanted very much or needed by him and his family.
It's time to move on. Clearly this man doesn't want to have a relationship with your son. Stop forcing him to. Do it now before your son is old enough to understand that Ramesh resents the forced visits.
