this is the way i see things... if a couple is 'high school sweethearts', it makes sense to me to wait it out through college to actually get married because they need that taste of real life to make sure their partner is everything they will ever need.
on the other hand, older people have seen and done it all, have been through it all, therefore it makes sense to me to shorten the dating time and take the plunge into marriage because honestly, at that point in life, they know exactly what they want and whether or not they have that special something with their mate.
the point is, my boyfriend is 37. im 25 (young, i know, but trust me, i have an old heart and soul). i know this is the person i am going to be with for the rest of my life, i know we're soulmates. come on ladies, you know what im talking about... you just KNOW. all that being said, we're trying to start a family, we've lived together for years, we have a dog we got together, my kids call him daddy, i call his parents mom and dad, and vice versa. soooo... WHATS THE HOLD UP?!
part of it may be that he had gotten married when he was my age... which obviously ended in divorce. part of it may be the fact that i make a lot more money than he does and he doesnt feel likea 'man'. but i even told him, just put a ring on my finger, that in itself would... i dont know, seal the deal. not even a real ring, i found a beautiful CZ at target for $30. i know he wants to get me a real rock, but thats not important to me. ive had 2 children out of wedlock, and i want to do it right this time, because HE deserves it. im very blunt about what i want, but he just repeatitively tells me he loves me, yes we'll be together forever, and then... nothing. am i crazy?? is wanting to get married asking too much?? there are so many reasons to just DO IT!! grrrr!
Read the book...Act like a Lady, Think like a Man.
by Steve Harvey....great info. Might give some insight.
No - I don't think you are asking for too much. Something is holding him back. You may need to have a really frank conversation and find out if ever plans to marry you. I agree with you also on not having another child out of wedlock. Good luck.
R.,
I read all the other replies and don't want to repeat too much other than he probably isn't interested in marrying you. It sounds like he is happy but he clearly he has ideas that are not matching yours. You need to decide if that's acceptable for you. Meanwhile, I would definitely NOT have a child with him because you may get your heart broken if you truly want to marry him.
As for your age, you may have "an old heart and soul" but you're still 25 and he's still 37. This may secretly be a big deal to him. There is a HUGE difference in the experiences and maturity you'll have by the time you turn 37 and he knows it. I'm not saying you're too young to get married, I'm saying you two may really be in different places.
People treat you the way you allow them to. If this situation is not what you want for the rest of your life, then you've got to be strong enough to demand change, whether that means you move out, make him move out or talk to him about what you need and make him decide whether or not to give it to you. I'm not trying to hurt you by saying these things. I'm trying to give you a different perspective. I hope all these suggestions can help you and your boyfriend find a deep, meaningful, happy resolution!
D.
BEEN there DONE that, BAD IDEA. I was in your same position a number of years ago and all I am going to say is my experience and you can make your own judgement. I wanted marriage and he wanted kids. I was vocal about what I wanted and so was he and it only turned into us leaving. Now, years later, we can talk about it and he says I puched to hard and I say he didn;t push hard enough. At the time we were smitten and thought this was the begining days of the rest of our lives and now we are glad we stood to our ground. I have been married for 10yrs and have 2 children and he is married with none. We are both happy in our own right and are happy with our choices but at the time it seemed endless and I was brokenhearted. Sometimes you think you can't wait for something but you need to think about the other half of your equation. Do you really want him there being unsure???
Hope this helps
T.
No, you are not asking too much, but unfortunately, you've put the horse before the cart for the third time. (Two out of wedlock babies and now living out of wedlock) Why should he marry you? He has a considerably younger woman who is servicing his needs. In my opinion, you are degrading yourself and setting your little girls up for heartbreak when they lose this man who they call "Daddy". You see, you're not really a family, unconventional or otherwise. In our society, families have rights, privileges and a legal status granted by the committement of marriage. You have none of those. You have a man who is lying to you, perhaps subconsicously, but still he is not being truthful. Any man who would live with a woman and her two babies, but refuse to take the step of marriage (which BTW should come before the moving in together) does not love, honor and respect you or put the needs of the children ahead of his own. But, then again, you accepted this kind of behavior. I find it very strange that a man who is 37 is not ready to commit and be a family and that a man of 37 is living with a 25 yr old single mom who provides the bulk of the income. I think you are confused about your heart being old as you stated, I think his is very immature. You need to start living in the real world here and for your own dignity and the emotional and physical safety of your girls, I would suggest that you find your own residence and set an example of a strong woman for your girls. Devote your time to them and someday, when a man comes along, (and one will) who loves, honors and respects you enough refuse to live with you without a wedding you'll know you're "doing it right" and will find true happiness.
I agree with you that there is no reason to wait at this point but he maybe a little gun shy since he is divorced. I do not think you are too young at all at 25. Before I say this please do not think I am judging any of your decisions b/c I lived with my husband before we were married and I believe everyone should do what works best for them and their life....but is it possible that he is not moving forward with getting married b/c he doesn't have any incentive to do so. He already has the woman he loves and your children with him so maybe he doesn't think the actual marriage is that important especially since that failed him once before. I do not think you are asking too much of him at all. Personally if it was me and getting married was something that was important to me then I would tell him my reasons for wanting the marriage to take place and then I would give him a time line (whatever works for you and is reasonable for him) to set a wedding date and let him know if he didn't follow through I was moving out (not leaving the relationship) just some space to let him know what it would be like without you in his life everyday and perhaps that would change his mind about getting married. If the actual marriage is not that important to you then I would keep living and enjoying your life together the way it is.
Best Wishes!
I'm sorry but how does high school sweathearts come into this?? You guys we're even in HS in the same decade. And how does getting a dog together mean anything about a relationship? You can't make a man marry you. If he is immature enough to freak at the concept (and you buying yourself a CZ ring doesn't make it an engagement) then he has the problem. You either have to live with it until he decides your life or you simply ask him. Just be prepared for him to say no and decide what you will or will not do when/if that happens.
R. slow down. I understand that you want to do it right,but for some reason he isn't ready. Have you ever considered some type of couples counseling? He deserves the best,but so do you and never forget that don't sell yourself short. You seem like a great woman,but if it's really about the ring that he wants to supply,allow him time.We'll probably never understand the male psyche, but talk to him don't go in w/ your eyes close.Sometimes we for granted the art of conversation because we've known the person for so long.Hope that helps
Good Luck
NO!! You are not asking too much. my husband and I have a large age gap and he has been married twice before me. This is my first marriage. We will hit 5 years in October and have 3 amazing kids...two conceived before marriage. I wouldn't give in. If you want to do it "right", stick to your guns! Good luck!
Hi R.,
Sounds pretty frustrating. Here are my thoughts and you can filter what you want. It sounds great that you feel so confident about your relationship about how you just know. I felt the same way when I met my husband and we got married on paper first before we had a wedding 4 months later. I was so sure of our future and didn't think anything would change. But bottom line is men change once they seal the deal and if he's been divorced before, and that's why he doesn't want to get married again, he needs to resolve his issues before you plow through with your wedding. At least from my experience, my husband was married for 13 years before he met me and we're 11 years apart. I got married to him shortly after his divorce when I was 25. There are so many days when I wish we had waited a couple of years, so many personal issues that he's just started to work through regarding his failed marriage to his ex and it's been a good but hard 3 years. If you guys are happy the way you are that's great and I really do encourage marriage because it's so wonderful to form an eternal family and it's important, just, my heart goes out to you and hope there are no insecurities or uncertainties that you guys have not worked through yet.
I didn't look at any other responses, but thought I'd throw in my 2 cents. Sorry if it's just a repeat. It seems like your relationship is good, and maybe he would be willing to go to counselling. It's not that you guys have problems, it's just to help come to an agreement, or to help see the issue from each other's perspective. Sometimes going to a neutral third party can accomplish that. I know there was one point where I went to see a counselor, just once, but it helped me see things from my husband's perspective, and then I was able to come home and communicate how I felt in a way that was easier for him to understand, and everything worked out wonderfully! My only advice is that sometimes if others are "involved" in your relationship, it can be good to tell them, or else make sure they don't know but that your husband does. For example, I didn't tell my parents or his that I went to see a counselor, but of course my husband knew. Many people I know see it as a sign of a weak relationship, and then I was afraid they'd ask a bunch of questions, but others I've talked to have openly admitted they have b/c it just helps the lines of communication. Big advice though-if the counselor tries to make it a bigger problem than it is, leave-they'll only cause problems. (Not my experience, but one of a friend's),
It seems that you ought to seek couples counseling to address your specific issues and process what's going on with your significant other.
leave him or if its your place tell him to leave. tell him that you are ready to get married and if he isnt or doesnt want to then you need to be looking for someone that wants to get married. if he really wants to be with you he'll marry you. at this point he sees no reason to sense he has everything marriage has to offer. you "told" him you didnt need to be married to sleep with him, you "told" him you didnt need to be married to live with him and you even "told" him you'd pay the majority of his bills without marrying him. at some point you have to tell him no this isn't want i want at least not anymore. dont be surprised if he doesnt come back. if he does, that is true love and that makes him THE ONE. not just a feeling.
Tell him that you've learned your lesson and this time you are not bringing a child into this world without a committed father. New age, unconventional commitments aren't enough. I firmly believe that children need to be born into a home with a mother and a father who are married and in love with each other. If he loves you and wants you to have his child then he should be more than willing to commit to it by marrying you. If he's not willing to do that, then what else will he be unwilling to do for you and the child he wants to bring into the world? A good marriage is the solid foundation upon which a happy and healthy family is built. Some will get angry with me for saying that, but it's the bottom line truth of the matter. A lot of single moms wouldn't admit it, but they know there is something missing from their children's lives and if he's not committed formally to you then you risk the chance of something happening and your child missing out too. I'm not saying that divorce can't happen (I myself am divorced from my abusive ex), but it happens a LOT less often than boyfriends and girlfriends break up. It's a system of safeguards. Being married and unable to just call it quits without divorce proceedings forces a couple to try harder to work things out. It makes you more aware of the consequences for your children should you split. Being married also gives your children a subconcious sense of stability in a world that can feel frighteningly unstable to them.
I say stand your ground and insist on marriage before (any more) children. You've got the right idea this time. Stop trying to get pregnant until after you're married. Also please understand that it's not your guy who "deserves it", it's any child you would conceive together that would "deserve it". If for no other reason, then insist on this for the well being of your future child.
You've been a single mom and obviously you know that that is a difficult road. I think that asking you to commit to having children is a much bigger commitment than asking for marriage. It would never be my first choice to have a child with a man who couldn't say in front of witnesses and the court that he wanted to be with me forever. The reality is that many marriages with childen end in a breakup, the statistics are much much worse when one partner won't take the leap, especially if the other partner wants it.
you're not wrong for wanting what you want. you shouldn't deny how you feel, and if this is important to you, well, it just is. it's a shame his wants don't match up, because his are equally valid, and right now it sounds as if your needs are making him feel backed into a corner.
i'd certainly hold off on having another child until you resolve this, either you REALLY being okay without legal wedlock or he REALLY feeling as if marriage is something he truly wants and isn't just going along with because you've worn him down.
couples counseling might just help. there's probably more at the bottom of this for both of you, and investigating might help you both reach an answer.
good luck!
khairete
S.
If the milk is free you don't buy the cow. If your boy friend has everything he wants from you now, why should he marry you? You live together. He has sex and a home. Why should he take on the responsibility of marriage? Perhaps he is afraid to commit to marriage since his first marriage did not work out. Or perhaps he doesn't love you enough to want to commit to a permanent relationship.
Tell him what marriage means to you. Tell him that you have a godly jealous love for him and that you want to be his "one and only". Tell him you need a committed love. Ask him why this is too hard for him. Be honest and open with each other. Are the children a factor? Does he not want to adopt them? Ask lots of questions. Pray to the Lord about this too. AF
You are NOT asking too much. There are some rare people out there who are happy living in long-term relationships without legally tying the knot, but for most of us marriage is that litmus test that lets us know that the other person is truly commited. You are completely within your rights to expect that he make this commitment to you, especially before having children with him. It's obviously important to you. The fact that he won't do it, means that there is something missing there. No matter how perfect your relationship may seem to you, something is holding him back.
But that said, I don't think you should despair. He probably just needs the proper incentive. It took me basically giving my commitment-phobic husband an ultimatum before he would propose. But he thanks me every day for being his wife.
If this is important to you, and it's clear that it is, as it should be, then you have to be ready to leave him over it. Give him a deadline or an ultimatum. If your relationship is as strong as you think it is, he will put that ring on your finger. If he doesn't, then your relationship is not what you thought it was and it's much better to find that out sooner than dragging it on any longer. Without that ultimatum he just has no incentive to change the great arrangement he's got with you.
But for goodness sake, don't have any children with him until you get this issue resolved! I also agree that the couples counseling can be a great idea - it did wonders for me and my husband before we tied the knot.
Yaaa KNooooww... It sounds like life for your partner is being made WAY too easy for him... Sweet, young, devoted girlfriend, 2 beautiful little girls he didn't even have to commit to to have in his life... A "wife" without any legal, binding decision or commitment...A nice home and family atmosphere you have provided him and he can just walk away if he wants. My sage ol' Mom whose 79 would tell me - "Why buy the cow if the milk is free?" Sorry for being so direct but you seem like you appreciate that.
Here's my take from having been married more than once myself. Marriage doesn't make everything magical. If there are problems with commitment BEFORE the wedding - those things will still be a problem AFTER you are married. Bringing another child into the mix before those issues are fixed is NOT FAIR to your present kids or to a new little one and will only cause more stress. And IF this man is waffling because he was married before - 2 things I think here. He either needs to Man Up and get over it so he can commit to his future with you - or he needs some counseling to get over the issues that are causing his waffling with you and possibly the break up of his previous marriages. You REALLY need to know the reasons why his last relationships didn't work. Because if that hasn't been fixed within him - it can happen all over again with you. YOU should be the one concerned about jumping in too soon with a person who was divorced before. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to your little girls. THEY AND YOU deserve a fully commited Husband and Father in all your lives. And I know it may be hard - but you need to look at this man as a suitable Father for your girls - not just someone YOU want but if he is a suitable Father for your girls and any other children. Not just someone you happen to have been in a relationship with for a while and live with and "now it's time to take the plunge" Time spent in a relationship is not a reason to marry - sometimes you need to test it out and find it's time to move on - FOR YOUR REASONS. Not because someone won't marry you. R. - your'e the MOM - you need to grab up the gumption that you have and decide for yourself and your girls if this is enough for you. If not - move on. I know you say you have an old, smart soul. But no matter how fabulous you are and how much you want someone - YOU WILL NOT CHANGE THEM. The only change is if HE wants it and changes this commitment-phobia within himself. You are only 25 - I wish someone had sat me down and told me this stuff before I launched into my marriages back when I thought I had it all firgured out. I obviously didn't. I stayed with a spouse longer than I would have because I loved his family so much. And I didn't figure that out till the divorce. Step back from your wanting to be married and look clearly at ALL your reasons why. I hope that helps! S.
You are not asking too much; however if you wanted to do it right this time, then I wouldn't have moved in with him with my two girls and started a family without a promise to a ring or wedding. I have been with my husband for 11 years 5 of those were boyfriend and girlfriend. We were living together and he wanted to buy a house, however I refused and put my foot down and told him I wouldn't get into buying a house with him unless I had a ring and a wedding date set. Well he caved and we are happily married and have a beautiful daughter and anouther on the way.
Unfortunatly you made your bed and now he feels what's the point to marry, I have her where I want her. Sorry truth hurts. If you want to marry him you have to lay down the law.
Girl, he may be afraid of changing something that seems so perfect. If he was married before, that alone could make a man reluctant to do it again. I am 27, and my husband is 39. 10 years ago I had to convince him to go on a date with me let alone marry me. When I met him I knew he was the one. I could tell we were soulmates. He told himself long before we met that he would never marry again. He has 2 kids from his previous marriage and his divorce was brutal. But I created a friendship with him and fell more in love. Eventually he began to trust me as a woman and gave me a chance. Now we have been married for 7 years and have two kids together and have full custody of his kids.
My husband told me he didn't want to ruin my life with his baggage, but I reassured him it would be ok. I love his kids, and I can handle anything his ex can dish out. He was afarid to give his heart again, and now he thanks me every day for giving him his life back and the jolt he needed to move on with his life. If it wasn't for me, he would have worked himself to death,stayed in the military, and not have ever thought about saving his kids from the abusive ex wife.
Don't rush it. It'll click. It did for me and now my unconventional family is living happily ever after.
To be blunt - it sounds like you are asking a lot. Look - you aren't giving him a chance to be romantic. YOU found the ring. YOU keep asking him about getting married. YOU want to do it right for him, etc., etc., etc.
Where is he on all of this? Have you given him a chance to find you the ring HE wants to get you because YOU deserve it?
Have you given HIM the chance to figure out exactly how HE wants to remember proposing?
My husband and I moved in together pretty much immediately. After three months we bought a house together. I kept saying "I don't need a ring - he and I just bought a really big house! This is enough for me- lets start planning the wedding." Honestly we did start planning pretty quickly, but something was missing - a ring. Now, my parents got pesky on this one - and my husband and I were both 34 at the time (no kids then) so it makes no sense that my folks would freak out about my not having a ring when I wasn't freaking out about it. But they insisted and they destroyed what was supposed to be a beautiful secret.
My husband was having a ring MADE just for me. He ended up telling me that so my mother wouldn't be the one to ruin the surprise.
There were still some surprises left - the when and way he proposed and what we did that weekend were all surprises. Wonderful ones at that.
You may not be traditional, and he might not be either in most things. But it sounds like he might want you and your daughters to have a traditional memory of getting engaged if that is what he wants. Or - it may be he doesn't want to get married again. In which case you have to ask yourself - is what you have enough or do you really need the trappings of a ring and a wedding? (My aunt and uncle lived together for 35 years before tying the knot - seriously.)
Just think about it and good luck!
Are you serious? You guys are trying to "start a family"? You have a family already. Your girls. You had them out of wedlock and it sounds like that is not what you want again (good for you). So why are you trying to start a family when he won't commit to you for marriage? I understand he was married before and may be shy about doing it again... but do you really want to bring a baby into the picture when you can't get the relationship with him that you want... without the baby? Do you feel the baby will cause him to want to get married? Do you feel you are not enough? I understand wanting to have a child together after you are married, but if he won't commit to you now, why on earth would you expect a baby to help him do it? And if you aren't expecting the baby to make him do it, then what are you thinking in regards to this baby. Well, we'll have it and then see what happens and if the relationship tanks because he isn't in it for the long haul, I'll just deal with it on my own?
Forgive me for being blunt and perhaps a little narrow minded, but I believe you need to work out your relationship issues before you add a child to the mix. If you think the family atmosphere will make him more interested... you already have two children to create that. If you think he needs his own child to make it solidified, then what does that say? You aren't enough? You need a self esteem boost. You need to repeat in the mirror in the morning, I am valuable, I am worth it and I should be respected and loved as I am. Don't complicate it. Find someone who loves you for you. What happens if the child has health problems? Will he be there? What about when the kids hit puberty and become difficult? Will he support you and be a part of it? What about when they move away? If he can't commit, it suggests he hasn't matured enough to be a quality father... one who will commit to you, to each child and to the future.
Find a loving and committing relationship first, then add the complications of kids. Kids are great, but I can't imagine being faced with an uncertain relationship and the daily trials of having children. I think that would cause more problems in the relationship.
Good luck to you. I hope you make a good decision and things work out for you and your kids.
Liz
Hi R.. No, your not asking too much at all AND can I just point something out? You said you want to do it right this time because "HE" deserves it.... well, guess what? YOU and your children deserve even more!!!!! You need to be thinking about yours and your children's needs more than what he deserves or needs.... i hope i'm not coming off to harsh but I was totally in your same situation when i was your age and I waited, and waited for my "soulmate" (or at least thats what i thought at the time) to come around... he was 9 years older than me and always said we would be together forever but there comes a time where you need to think about yourself and do things for your self... i finally realized that he was perfectly happy the way things were and i wasn't and it became a constant issue in our relationship. So, needless to say, that relationship ended and 9 years ago when i was 31 years old, I finally met the love of my life and we have been happily married for the past 9 years... yep, that's right, we met, and we were married 3 months later!!! Both of us knew that we were right for each other and we were (and still are) madly in love. We have 3 beautiful children together and I'm extremely happy with my life... as for my ex... after I made the decision to move on, he began to realize that maybe he should have listened to my 'needs' more. Anyway, I really hope you stand your ground and insist that you want to get married... your children deserve it. Some people say it's just a 'piece' of paper and it doesn't change things but it does and typically the people who are saying these types of things are scared and don't want to commit to anything... which, in my opinion, isn't a good personality trait. Good luck and always remember, YOU deserve nothing but the best!!!
R., I'm just a couple of months shy of 37 and have been married for 12, soon to be 13 years. I've seen a BUNCH of my friends go through what you are describing - some w/ kids, some w/o.
Bottom line: Either a man will marry you or he won't. He knows early whether he will do it - and usually does so. Those who take you on these multi-year, live in relationships rarely end up marrying you. I have several friends who learned that the hard way, now they're approaching 40, single and childless having wasted their youth on someone who loved them but not enough to marry them.
I'm not saying that everyone should be married b/c it isn't for everyone. Some couples have long term successful relationships w/o "a piece of paper." However, your message sounds like you WANT to be married. So, to me that says you SHOULD be married.
You are young and have 2 children. You need to be honest with yourself NOW about whether you can settle for not being married, b/c I don't think he will do it.
And, no, I don't think you are asking for too much.
ps. I don't believe in providing the benefits of being a wife when I'm not the wife - and I'm not talking about sex. There are tons of things I do b/c I am the wife - part of a whole. Those things are perks in my mind b/c someone who was not my husband and was only my boyfriend would not receive them.
He sounds a bit commitment phobic to me. Will he lose anything by getting married? Does he collect any alimony from his ex? If you were in a car accident and were in a hospital unconscious, as it stands right now, he would not be allowed in to see you since he is not next of kin. Being officially married would change that. Is he prepared to raise your children should you die before him? You may have to settle for what you have now. If he really cares for you, it seems strange he would deny you marriage.
Stop having sex with him and see what he does.
Sounds like you are taking care of a grown man. You are far more worth it than a $30 fake ring that you may end up buying. Your girls deserve better too. A man should take care of you, not the other way around. He will give you every excuse in the book not to get married. It is not acceptable. Break up with him, and take care of your daughters. You can do it. Take off any rose colored glasses, and evaluate yourself. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN YOU THINK!!!! You may be in need of something that no man could give you. Also, ask yourself why you keep getting involved with men who do not commit. Consider couseling to help sort out your life, not his.
Ohhh I've been here!! It's pretty simple actually. In relationships Men just don't want to change something if it works the way it is! To him obviously the whole ring and wedding doesn't mean a lot, I mean look where it got him before! This is probably the case.
On the otherhand... He could have real commitment phobias and having 'intsta-family'. Does your ex have a role in the girls' life?? He could be afraid of having to deal with that. I would suggest really talking to him. I know it may not be a conversation that you want to rock the boat with... But I think for your peace of mind you need to do it.
Hi R.,
I've been married 16 years now, have two kids, a 16 year old and a 12 year old. I'm 47, my husband is 43. The first moment I saw him I knew he was the man I was going to marry. So I'm with you on that point...here's what I don't understand though. You're 25, you already have 2 kids, you started having kids at 20. It sounds like you have a good career starting, so why on earth would you want to mess that up with having more children right now, and trying to convince a guy, who is obviously not ready to get married to do so?
You're still so young and have so much time ahead of you! It might be a better idea to concentrate on your career so you can become independent, allow your current children to get a bit older before complicating their lives with another sibling. There's NO hurry! Even if you managed to convince your boyfriend to get married right now, in his eyes it would be under duress, and the marriage would never last. Then more drama to deal with...ICK!
Look at Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, they've been together forever, and as far as I know, have never gotten married. They're considered a real family. Sounds like your boyfriend needs time to sort out his issues with marriage, rings, etc. Give him that time, forcing him to do something he's not ready to do, is a BAD idea. Sounds like he loves you, allow him the time to mature. Boys mature slower than girls, ask my husband, he's finally been able to admit that out loud...LOL!
Pace yourself, and good things will happen.
I understand your frustration. You said you would like to do it right this time. He has no incentive to marry you. things are great the way the are. He has everything he would if he married you except a ring on your finger. My suggestion if you would like to do it right this time is to let him know that and set a date that you would like to have the wedding by and if he can't do that then move out. He is then obviously not as committed to the relationship as you and you need to move on. Marrying you is a big commitment;not marrying you makes it easier for him to leave if things get difficult. If he really loves you and he is the one he will commit. If he can't commit at his age then there is a real problem and you can do better.
Hmmm. If you were both comfortable with either situation it would be fine, but you want marriage and he doesn't. Maybe you need to give him the ultimatum , either he starts seriously thing about marriage and lets you know in a reasonable (for you!) amount of time, or tell him you need to move on and be open for someone who is willing to make the commitment.
Theses days, there really isn't a stigma with "living in sin" or having children out of wedlock.
You mention living with him, but being a single mom. Are they his kids? I assume so, you say you've been with him for years.
On the other hand if you feel he is your soulmate, then you need to be in tune with his needs too. If you don't want to lose him, it may just happen if you put too much pressure on him. If you give him the ultimatum and it doesn't work out your way, you have to ask yourself if you'll feel free or devastated to lose him? Is it more important to be married, even if he's not comfortable with it, or go with what you have and accept it.
The couples counseling advice you've gotten sounds good to me. Might help work out issues he has with commitment. Might be a simple lack of confidence that he can make it work. I'm don't know if he had commitment issues, he was married before...
No, I don't think you are asking too much. But I don't think your significant other is ready, now or ever, to make a committment. There are people (both men and women) who will live together as husband and wife, but won't make the committment of marriage. There could be a lot of reasons that you mentioned for his difficulties. But the bottom line, in my opinion, is marriage won't happen. If marriage is what you want, you need to think about making a significant change in your life and get single again. You can continue dating, but with the understanding that you want to get married if you love one another. If he loves you, he will work through the problems involving his failure to commit. (Offer him couples counseling, or find a marriage seminar to go to) If he just breaks if off, well, it is better to find out at 25 than at 40, after you have more children together. If you take this step, be prepared for the worst, then hope for the best.
Also, is God in your life? If not, find him. He is looking for you and can help you should your "soulmate" move on.
L.
