Frustrated About Kids Not Taking Any Advice!

The age old question!

But, really, is it "advice" to brush their teeth or do homework?

It's a tightrope walk between rules and guidance and independence.

I recently read a quote on Mamapedia actually that I thought was really great: "Unsolicited advice is implied criticism." Even kids understand that.

If it's truly just "advice," don't bother. If you are telling them how to do something because they are doing it completely wrong without your guidance, that's another thing entirely. There's a difference between teaching and nagging. Just think about how you feel when your own mother tells you how to parent your kids. She's probably thinking the same thing, "Why can't she understand I raised kids once and know how it is to do certain things a certain way?"

Just because my kids do something differently than how I would do it, doesn't make them WRONG. Some people, even kids, need to learn the hard way, and learn from their mistakes. The sweetest thing in the world is when they finally come around and admit mom was right the whole time and you get to sit there and smile in triumph and think 'I told you so!!'

My son listens to me a lot.
I tell him stories of my mistakes (and other peoples), he thinks about it, and then makes some pretty smart decisions although it's not always what I would have done.
I tell him most people have the ability to learn from others mistakes - but some don't.
Some HAVE to make their own mistakes because that's the only way they can learn to decide to do something different the next time around.
And a very few NEVER learn and keep making the same mistake over and over and over again.

It only gets worse. It's like my grandfather used to say... You can always tell a teenager. You just can't tell him much!

When I've felt frustrated about my kids not listening to what I KNOW - I just think back to how it irritated me when my mom would tell me stuff when I was a kid. Experience and consequence are the best teachers. Of course, I still tell them, but generally it is with a warning like "Hon - life would be much easier if you would do it this way, believe me". In other words - put the ball back in their court. Tell them that because you've been there, done that, you know what is the easiest way or most desireable outcome - but they are welcome to do it their way to find out. Give them the grace to make the mistakes and learn the lessons!

I finally realized my parents and other adults knew what they were talking about "all this time" once I became a parent--and not a moment sooner. I made so many mistakes that I wouldn't have had I listened to them. One of them nearly ended my life. I was (am) a very intelligent young lady, but I had to make my own choices. What a dummy! : )

It never gets ANY better. I just had a conversation about this with my 11 year old. My 21 year old is stubborn as a mule. My oldest two are 24 and 27. One doesn't ask my advice except for very rarely. At least if she asks for it I know she really wants it. My 2nd daughter listens respectfully, makes all kinds of promises and then goes right back to the way things were. But she has always been my most determined girl and whens he sets a goal for herself she works very hard to achieve it. She drinks more than I like though. Being a mom is so HARD sometimes.

Definitely DON'T micromanage homework. I learned that lesson the hard way. Leave homework up to the teacher. And Jae's comment about "unsolicited advice is implied criticism" is GREAT, and it's exactly why you shouldn't micromanage homework.

I've found that kids listen more than we think they do, but we make the mistake of wanting them to acknowledge what we say. Especially the older they get, it is important to not expect them to acknowledge you, but know that they really are listening, and do care what you think, and what you say will have more impact if you don't try to ram it down their throats.

And my kids, now almost grown, especially my daughter, do occasionally ask for my advice now, so I guess I did something right.

I know what you mean. Unfortunately it doesn't get any better as they get older. I have a 20 year old daughter who still doesn't listen. Does things the hard way to only find out what I told her to begin with was true. She will even tell me sometimes, I hate it when you are right or I wish I would have listened. But does she think of this the next time around? NOPE. Kids sometimes have to learn the hard way unfortunately. But like someone else said, there is a fine line between what is considered to be advice and what is part of a rule or guidance. It's funny too that sometimes our little ones don't even realize we used to be little, to them, we've always been big so for them to understand that we've been there could be an impossible idea for them to wrap their minds around. :)

My son hates when I raise my voice. Sometimes though, it's the only thing that gets his attention. When he doesn't listen after I tell him to do something X2, I will then tell him that if he doesn't do this or that, that my voice will get louder, and I know he hates it. If he doesn't do something, I will also take away a priveledge. He loves to play on the computer, or watch t.v. So, this works for homework, and chores. If he doesn't brush his teeth or take a bath, I will tell him that he will end up with yucky cavities, or bugs. Giving them a consequence to their lack of cleaning, especially when it is something unpleasant usually helps. He has seen pictures of cavities, as well as rashes, lice,etc. He now does it independently.It worked with me when I was growing up. My parents are both nurses, so you can imagine the pictures and discussions.

I give advise when asked, but it does not bother me when they do not listen.. I do wonder why they ask if they have already decided what they are going to do anyway?..
Just like here on mamapedia..

The best way to "guide" your children is to model the behaviors you want them to follow..

My husband would get and still does get, frustrated with our daughter when she would put off work till the last minute.. Hmmm, I wonder where she learned that from?

I instead I made a "deal " with our daughter.. "If she needed help with homework, she needed to ask. If she needed supplies for a project, she needed to ask." Once she was in about 4th grade, I quit asking what and when homework was due.. She knew I was not a helicopter parent.. So she knew I was not going to stay up and help with anything she had waited till the last minute to work on.. And I was not going to drive around town late at night looking for poster board or making copies..